Time Divided
by TranquilityCity
Summary: Two stories divided: one follows Meredith at 16 years old in 2008 and the other follows Derek at 25 years old in 2014. One story follows first love and the other follows the aftermath of this love falling apart. One story is hopeful, the other desperate. In the end, the worlds collide and the stories fold together.
1. 2008, Meredith (1)

**Hi there, welcome! I hope you like my story. If you do, please leave a comment - I'd love to hear your thoughts! I'm planning on updating about once a week, or more if the demand is high. This story will transition every other chapter between Meredith's POV in 2008 and Derek's in 2014. I hope you enjoy it :)**

**Summary: Two stories divided: one follows Meredith at 16 years old in 2008 and the other follows Derek at 25 years old in 2014. One story follows first love and the other follows the aftermath of this love falling apart. One story is hopeful, the other desperate. In the end, the worlds collide and the stories fold together.**

***I do not own Grey's Anatomy or these characters.***

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><p><strong>2008, Meredith<strong>

I moved in on the hottest day of the entire summer so far. Dad and Susan were adamant about getting as much from the moving vans as possible before the sun went down, but I really wanted to just laze in the river that ran along our new property. Dad had told me there was a river, but he failed to mention that it was tucked away beneath a cool canopy of trees and moved freely with a bubbling chorus that cut through the sound of lawnmowers, fussing children, and car engines. I was instantly drawn to the river.

But Dad had his mind set, so I lifted boxes, carried them into our new house, and wiped sweat from my brow with the bottom of my tank top. The house was nice. Really nice, if I were being honest. But I already missed Seattle. California was so freaking sunny and I just wanted a bit of cloud cover or rain to match my mood. It was about to be my junior year of high school and I was ripped from my friends, driven almost 750 miles south, and left in a hot town to start anew.

My little sister Lexie wasn't too happy about the move either. She was 13 and permanently surly. She wanted nothing to do with California or her new school or her mom's new job. I didn't really mind that we had to move because Susan was taking a better job at the local community center. Dad was getting a good job too at a university two towns over. I was happy they were getting the jobs they wanted, but it didn't mean I was ready or willing to completely uproot. I tried to put on a brave face; I was too old to be pouting like Lexie, but that didn't mean I wasn't fully prepared to pout in the safety of my new bedroom.

The house had four bedrooms and just as many bathrooms. We had a lot of land and a nice long driveway. There was a porch that wrapped around the entire front of the house and most of the back, ending just below one of the bathroom windows. Susan and Dad were taking the biggest room on the right side of the house and Lexie's and my room were on the left with a shared bathroom in the middle. Lexie didn't put up too much of a fight when I asked for the room that overlooks the river. The fourth room was going to be Dad's office, which was located right off the foyer. The house was big and pretty, but it looked like a lot of the houses on the block. I was used to our beautifully appointed, and original, house on Queen Anne Hill. This cookie-cutter McMansion would take some getting used to.

After we unloaded one full U-Haul, Dad drove it to the local dispatch center, leaving Susan, Lexie, and I to begin unpacking. Susan was in the kitchen, clearly debating the best location for plates. She turned as I entered and smiled. Dad had married Susan not long after my Mom died when I was two. Mom was a brilliant surgeon, but had a heart condition that went undiagnosed until she fell dead during surgery. Dad said he and Mom were still in love when she died, but I don't believe him. He married Susan so quickly, I knew my parents were probably separated when Mom died. Sometimes I wondered what it would be like to have my biological mother and father still together, but then I remembered how good Susan was to me and I dismissed the thought.

"Hey there," she greeted and set down a stack of plates. "What do you think—plates to the left of the sink or the right?"

I glanced at each of the glass-fronted cabinets. "To the left. Put the glasses in the right, which is closer to the refrigerator. The plates will be closer to the food."

Susan grinned and patted my cheek. "Such a smart girl." She turned and began stacking the plates carefully. "What are you up to for the rest of the day?"

Her question gave me an out. Dad would have just mentioned something about sorting my room, but Susan was allowing me to decide. I had all summer to sort my room and go through my things, plus I was still sticky from sweating. "I was thinking about going to the river for awhile. I'll be back before dinner," I promised quickly.

"Would you bring your sister?"

Normally I would've said no, but I'm sure Susan was tired of watching Lexie skulk around the house. I decided my desire to float in the river trumped my desire to not spend any time with my sister. "Yes."

Susan grinned at me. "Thank you Meredith. Now head along before your dad gets back."

I knew exactly where my swimsuit was kept, so I pulled open the flaps on the box and changed quickly from my sweaty clothes to my favorite red bikini with little poppy flowers. I pulled on a white dress and a pair of black flip-flops and walked through the bathroom and into Lexie's room. Lexie was sitting on the floor next to her unmade bed blaring music from her iPod and staring at her phone. During the drive down, she kept staring at her phone and I knew she was waiting for her friends to call. Clearly, it hadn't happened yet.

I walked up to Lexie and pinched her arm with my toes. She pulled back violently and screeched at me. "Meredith!" She pounded her two fists to my thigh and I jumped back before I received any other bodily harm. "What the hell is your problem?"

"Language," I teased. She was glaring at me, but I knew she wasn't mad at me. "Come to the river with me."

"Ew, no. There are probably leeches." Lexie had been going through a "classic" movie phase and was making her way through 80s films. She'd watched _Pretty in Pink_ at a slumber party in the spring, so she followed it up with _The Breakfast Club_, _Ferris Bueller's Day Off_, _Weird Science_, and most recently _Stand By Me._ She was traumatized from the leech scene.

I pulled open one of her boxes labeled CLOTHES and looked for her bathing suit. "There aren't leeches. Come swimming or Mom and Dad will make you unpack things and move furniture."

Lexie was up in a flash, unpacking one of the boxes across the room. She pulled out her dark blue one piece and eyed the door. "Leave so I can change."

"Yes ma'am," I laughed and walked from her room, downstairs, and out the front door.

Our front yard was really well taken care of with flower beds, pretty flowering trees, and rocks placed precisely to make them look like they naturally formed there. Across the street was a house that looked just like ours, expect it was painted green instead of pale gray like ours. We also had neighbors to the right and left, but they were pretty far away—further than our neighbors at the old house. The people to the left had a jungle gym and swing set out back, so they probably had little kids.

Lexie barely took a minute to change and she went barreling past me towards the river. "Come on!" she shouted as she disappeared behind the house and ran through the backyard. I chased after Lexie and kicked off my shoes somewhere between the house and the tree line. As soon as I ducked beneath the dark canopy, I felt the cool air hit my face. It was at least 15-20 degrees cooler there. Lexie was already climbing down the rocks towards the bubbling water.

"Be careful, Lex," I called after her and made my way down, too.

I pulled off my dress and laid it on the rocks. Lexie was stepping into the water and gasped when her toes touched. "It's freezing."

"Of course it is. This water never sees the sun."

I stepped in beside Lexie and she was right. The water was really, really freaking cold, but it felt so nice. My skin erupted in goosebumps, but I ignored them and the shiver that ran through my body. I stepped in a little further. The riverbed was slimy beneath my toes, so I squished my feet through the mud and muck. Lexie wasn't far behind. The river must've been only 10-15 feet across, but it moved quickly. I reached out for her hand, but she shook her head. "No way."

Before we moved, Lexie was a sweet kid. She was helpful to Susan and Dad, offering to do the dishes, rake the lawn, or wash their cars every now and again. Lexie kept her room tidy and always did her homework. She was busy in a million clubs and sports, and had seemingly dozens of friends. But the day our parents sat us down to break the news, Lexie completely changed. She ended all her club and sports commitments, she stopped talking to most of her friends, and she stopped helping. Her room turned into a dark dungeon and she listened to a lot of emo music. I'd gone through the same phase when I was her age, so Susan asked me to keep an eye on her. I was trying my best.

I walked to the middle of the river and dipped low enough so my butt was in the water. "Shit," I gasped and stood up. When I turned back to Lexie, I noticed two guys walking from one of the lawns and into the forest. They were young, probably still in high school, and were laughing. The one pushed the other, who rushed back at him. They were both dressed in tee shirts and swim trunks, no shoes on their feet.

As soon as they cleared the tree line, the taller one noticed Lexie and me. His face broke into a large, wolfish grin that I didn't particularly like. "Hi there."

The other one looked at us, too and I suddenly felt really naked.

Lexie smiled. "Hi."

"What's your name?" The wolf asked.

"Lexie."

"Hi Lexie, I'm Mark." His voice was in a perpetual state of flirting and I didn't like it. He was _at least_ 18 and he was flirting with my 13 year old sister.

I stepped forward and grabbed Lexie's hand. She squirmed against me and tugged herself away. "Get off, Meredith," she glared at me and held her hand against her chest. "Chill."

The wolf named Mark raised his hands in surrender. "Hey, I'm just saying hi, no need to get all grabby," he teased, but I didn't care for it. He gave me the once over and all I wanted was my white dress, which was now dangerously close to falling right into the river if the other guy so much as took a step forward.

The second guy said something quietly to the first and I needed to get out of there. But as I took a step forward, my foot caught on something and after a second, I fell backwards beneath the water. I tried to tug my foot out, but it was seriously caught. I tried to sit up in the water, but it was moving too quickly. I began to panic. I couldn't see her, but Lexie was alone with two strangers and I was drowning. I was supposed to take care of her and now I'd left her to be hurt. I cried out under the water, still struggling, still panicking, when two very strong hands lifted me by the shoulders and I gasped for fresh air.

I looked down towards my foot and Mark was pulling at the rocks. I moaned in pain and he said, "Sorry, hold on." I looked up and the other guy above me was watching his friend seriously. Lexie was up on the riverbank staring right at me.

I winced again and the guy above me said, "Be gentle, Mark."

He nodded. "I'm trying."

I felt a pinch and then a rush of relief as my foot released from its hold and my legs swung out, pulling down the river. The guy above me held me close, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and dragging me to stand next to him. "Are you okay? How's your foot?"

I set my foot down on the riverbed and it barely hurt. "It's okay."

He smiled and his face transformed from someone average to someone extraordinary. He was so good looking, I was shocked I hadn't noticed it before. His lips pulled back to show perfectly straight, white teeth. His skin was lightly tanned and freckled and his eyes were the most surreal blue I'd ever seen. His hair was practically black and it was sticking every which way, which made me want to run my fingertips through it. Suddenly I barely thought about my hurt foot because all I could feel was his arms around me. I released a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding.

"Come on," he said and he helped me from the river and up onto the bank.

Lexie rushed to me and crouched next to my seated position. "Are you okay?"

I nodded slowly, keeping my eyes on the stranger. "Yeah, I'm good." I looked up at Mark and he was panting from rescuing my foot. "Thanks," I said to him.

Mark sunk down on the forest floor beside me. "You're welcome. I wasn't trying to be a creep when I showed up," he explained. "I was just teasing you guys. I'm sorry if I scared you." I didn't know this Mark guy at all, but something in me screamed that he wasn't one to apologize.

"It's okay. I'd work on your approach, though."

He laughed and so did his friend. I looked up at him again. "I'm Derek Shepherd, your rescuer." He smiled again and it made me feel…strange.

"I'm Meredith Grey." I nodded to Lexie. "Lexie's my little sister. We just moved in."

Mark and Derek looked back towards the house I pointed at. "The old Miller place," Mark said and nodded. "Well, you made a pretty good entrance." I realized that Mark wasn't a bad guy at all. He was a tease, a flirt, and he was probably harmless. "I live up the road and Derek's actually your neighbor."

I glanced up at Derek and his blue eyes were on me. He pointed to the white house next door with the jungle gym and swing set in the back. "That's me."

"Do you have little siblings?" I asked curiously.

"No, my parents just never took the set down. I do have a little sister, Amelia, but she's probably Lexie's age. Too old for swing sets." He grinned at my sister and I could tell by the way she rolled her shoulders back, she felt more mature near Derek. "I guess I don't need to warn you, but you should watch out for the river. It's actually pretty intense."

I looked down at my soaking wet bathing suit and felt the cold hair against my neck. "Yeah, I'll be more careful next time."

"Meredith! Alexandra!" Dad bellowed from the house.

Lexie turned her attention. "Uh oh."

I sighed and struggled to pull myself up, afraid I would hurt my ankle. Derek wrapped his hands around my wrists and helped pull me until I was standing. "Want me to help you back to the house?"

"No, I'm good," I said as I tested my ankle.

Derek dropped his hands from my wrists. "Okay."

"Do you need help moving in?" Mark offered and I watched his eyes cut to Derek's.

Lexie was nodding. "Yes, please! Our dad keeps barking orders at us and keeps making us carry all the heavy furniture with him."

"Lexie, we don't need help. Plus, Mark and Derek don't want to spend the rest of their afternoon lugging your boxes of toys up the stairs."

"I don't have toys," Lexie practically shouted. She looked between Mark and Derek, pausing on Derek. "I don't."

Derek nodded very seriously. "I know that."

Mark held his hand out to pull Lexie up, which she willingly took. "We're happy to help."

I was about to try to fight them off again, but they began walking towards the house. Dad had disappeared inside, probably sure his message had been heard. I glanced at Lexie and she shrugged. "They can carry the heavy stuff. Plus they're cute."

I rolled my eyes. "You're too young for them."

Lexie smiled knowingly. "Yeah, but you're not."

She walked ahead of me towards the house, leaving me while I gathered my white dress and pulled it up over my head. I needed a towel, but I didn't think to bring one. I stepped out from beneath the trees and the sun beat down on me. I found my shoes in the middle of the yard and slid them on. Derek and Mark had disappeared around the house and Lexie practically skipped inside.

For a minute I stood in the backyard, looking between my new house and Derek's family's house that looked well-lived in and pretty. He was cute, Lexie was right. I decided right then and there, California might not be so bad. Someone whistled from the house and I saw Derek waving from the driveway. "Your dad wants you," he yelled through his cupped hands.

_I want you_, I heard and smiled to myself.

Derek returned the smile and I don't know what was happening, but I felt my insides flutter and my head begin to spin.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading. -Anna<strong>


	2. 2014, Derek (1)

**Thank you so much to those of you who commented, liked this story, and set an alert for future chapters. I'm so pleased with the response and I especially want to thank CileSuns92 for her wonderfully long review - you made my day!**

**I am posting this quicker than I originally planned, but I really want you all to read from Derek's POV. I'm hoping to update again tomorrow.**

**I hope you like it!**

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><p><strong>2014, Derek<strong>

I hate this town. I haven't been here in six years, but I can still remember everything I hate about this small, boring, blip-on-the-radar town. Growing up, everyone told me I'd get out of here, move on to bigger and better things, but somehow I manage to fall back into this place. I can't get away. The pull is too great. The opportunity too perfect. But it doesn't mean I want to be here. No one wants be here. This place is the end of the line and nothing good happens here.

The drive from the highway into town is much too quick and before I can even blink, I'm staring at the storefront my father once owned. I put my truck in park and I idle before the store. My dad carved the most incredible wood furniture. I used to sit beside him on his tool bench, watching his hands move precisely across mahogany, birch, and pine, artfully crafting intricate designs on the legs of chair and tables, the surfaces of end tables, and beautifully appointed cabinets for kitchens. I always smelled of wood shavings and my mom would have to wrestle me into the bath to get them out of my hair. I never wanted to wash the smell away.

I haven't smelled anything as perfect as my father's workshop in a long time.

I drive away from the empty storefront and head down the main drag, noticing how so many places I once knew—Darcy's Diner, Steinway & Grant Cinemas, The Book Nook, and Charlie's Tires—have been replaced by—McDonald's, AMC Theater, Barnes & Noble, and STS Tires. The town I own knew has commercialized. If I thought I hated this place before, I loathe it now.

When I graduated from medical school late last month, I had three job opportunities: a podunk hospital in Maryland, a hospital in the middle of the worst parts of Chicago, or here, right in California, only three miles from where I grew up. I'd done fine in school, good even, but jobs were scarce and I wasn't top of my class. The only reason I chose St. Mary's Memorial over the other two was Mark was returning home to work as an intern as well. One year. All I needed was to survive this one year and I could become a resident anywhere. I would work harder than anyone else and before long, I could be working in my home-away-from-home Manhattan, or Chicago proper, or Philadelphia. Just one year.

Mark arrived home yesterday and was holed up in his parents' old place. My family had moved in 2008, but Mark's stuck around until 2011. They moved out to Wyoming, but left the house for renters. As luck would have it, the renters moved out in April and Mark and I were moving in.

I bypass my old street and head right to Mark's house, only three blocks up the road. His road looks about the same, as does the old house, save for the shiny new Mercedes in the driveway. I roll my eyes at Mark's ostentatious spending and pull my old truck up behind his black car. I stare at the house for a long minute and find myself surprisingly emotional. We spent all our summers trailing from house to house. Whenever Mark's parents were away (which was often), we'd steal sips of booze from the dusty bottles in the basement and play endless rounds of pool at the downstairs pool table. I usually used his house as my sanctuary from my four very loud, very needy sisters. Mark was my brother in all aspects except blood.

The front door swings open and he shouts, "Get your ass in here!"

I climb from the cab of my truck, grabbing only an overnight bag I packed. The rest of my stuff will arrive tomorrow via courier. I trek through the overgrown front yard and take the front steps two at a time. Mark greets me with a hug before stepping back to overlook his kingdom. "How does it feel being back?" he asks.

Mark knows it all, he lived it all with me, so he must understand what breathing the air here feels like to me. "Different," I say because I don't want to tell him the truth. _Terrible. Horrible. Worse than you can ever imagine. Like I'm drowning. No, don't think about that because then you'll think about_—

"It's only a year, right?" He claps me on the shoulder.

"Only a year."

We head inside and Mark brings me upstairs. He's chosen to stay in his old bedroom, which was turned into a guest bedroom after he left. The room has its own bathroom and walk-in closet, so he's set. I have a choice between his parents' old bedroom or the other guestroom, but the guestroom doesn't have an adjoining bathroom; I'd have to use the one on the first floor. I don't really want his parents' old room—which is still decorated in his mother's, ah-hem, unusual eye, but I pick it anyway.

"We can paint it," Mark says to my relief. "And we can take down some of the shit on the walls."

When I step in, I see a painting of a cat hanging above the bed. "Yeah, that's gotta go."

Mark laughs and tugs the painting from the wall. "Bless his heart." He meets my eyes. "My dad has put up with this shit for over thirty years." Mark tosses the painting aside and looks around the room. "This is bizarre."

I nod and set my bag on the bed. "Tell me about it."

"What do you want to do tonight?" he asks.

Knowing Mark, he wants to explore our former haunts—the high school parking lot, Big Steve's Roadhouse, the coffee shop shaped like a donut named Donut Hole, the river…but I don't think I can go to any of those places. Mark is watching me and he needs some sort of answer. "Can we just hang around here? Build a bonfire and get really, seriously drunk?"

Mark breaks into a slow grin. "You are a genius. You start the fire. There's some wood back by the shed and I'll go get sustenance."

Once Mark leaves, I head to the shed and carry harmfuls of wood from the shed to the old fire pit. Mark's parents were the king and queen of bonfires and we used to have one almost every other night in the summer. I lay down enough wood for a good, steady, 4-5 hour fire, grab some chairs from the deck, and carry down a cooler. I start building the fire, making sure to keep my mind on the task at hand.

Within 20 minutes, Mark is back with eight hotdogs and buns, chips, a 30 rack of beer, and two big bags of ice. We put the beer on ice and begin cooking hotdogs over the fire. He doesn't say much and I say nothing, so our bonfire is a quiet affair. Somehow I manage to plow through three hotdogs and two handfuls of chips, plus two and a half beers, in just 10 minutes. Mark isn't far behind me and cracks open his third beer to wash down his third hotdog.

We have three days before we have to report to the hospital for our first day—a long 48-hour shift. I plan to get really, seriously drunk the next two nights and then try to sleep on the third. After that, my life will be tied to the hospital.

"How your mom taking Amelia leaving?" Mark asks.

We've positioned ourselves so we're looking over the fire, through the backyard, with the river not far beyond. I can't hear the water moving over the sound of the crackling fire, but I can bet it's just as strong as it was six years ago.

I take a swig of beer. "She's okay. She's pissed Amy headed to San Diego, but what can she do?"

"I thought she was staying in Rhode Island?"

"No, she wanted to come back out west."

Mark nods slowly. "Must be hard on her. You're back here, Amelia's in San Diego, Lizzie and Nancy are in New York, and Kathy is in Pittsburg."

"What's your point?" My voice is harsher than I intended.

He shakes his head. "Nothing, just must be lonely."

"Well, I didn't get job offers in Rhode Island, so I didn't have a choice."

"Yeah, I know man."

We're quiet then. Mark gets up to grab another beer and relieve himself, and I sit by the fire staring at the river. I spent all my time back there during the summers. Mark and I commanded those woods as confidently as we did our own bedrooms. I knew every rock and tree between his house and mine. I knew every single dip in the river and the best places for swimming. I knew the river was high in the spring due to snow runoff, but it was low by the end of summer. The best time for swimming was late September, when the water was the warmest.

I'd spend nights lying along the riverbank with my feet in the water. My arms would be folded behind my head and I'd try to find the stars through the dense canopy. Sometimes, wildlife would explore the area around me. Twice I'd seen a mountain lion. But I wasn't afraid. The big cat had bowed to drink water, keeping its eye on me both times. I just watched it before it ran off, climbing up over the big rocks and disappearing into the forest.

Mark returned and I knew I had to go to the river.

"I'm going to the river," I announce.

Mark stares at me. "You sure?"

I nod even though I'm definitely not sure.

"Want me to come?" Mark asks.

I shake my head. "No, I'm good on my own." I finish off my beer and toss the can into the growing pile. I'll grab another one once I'm back.

As soon as I reach the edge of the property, Mark calls out, "Hey man." I turn. He's standing now not too far from where I sit. "She still lives back there. That's what my parents said at least, when I asked. So, if you don't want to see her, stay close."

I make no comment and turn away from Mark.

The grass feels the same beneath my feet as I kick off my shoes beneath the big oak tree. I step beneath the canopy and it's already colder. The sun is setting so the light is wavering, but I still know these woods. I walk down to the water's edge and step in, my toes curling beneath the cold. I sigh and begin walking down the length of the river. The water is slow from the hot summer sun, so it's weak against my ankles. I keep my eyes on where I'm walking though, just in case I step on something unfamiliar.

The forest is quiet around me. I slide over a precarious rock and keep my feet firmly in the mud. I walk past familiar homes—the O'Grady's, the Macintosh's, the Silverman's—but the houses all look different. Everyone left this place behind so many years ago.

As I round the bend in the river, I see my childhood home in front of me. It's exactly the same. Mark's dad told me no one had ever bought it or rented it after we left. I understand why, but it's heartbreaking to see it abandoned. I step up on the riverbank and step out of the trees to see the house better. My bedroom was in the back corner, overlooking the river. The view was perfect. And then she moved in and the view was even better. We used flashlights to communicate window-to-window that entire summer. I can still remember what she looked like illuminated by the yellow glow.

I sigh and look towards her house. It's exactly the same. Warm and inviting. Light spills from Thatcher's front office onto the grass below. Her old bedroom is lit up, but the walls are a different color now. She's probably just finished college, heading off to a big job somewhere. With any luck, she'll be gone before she knows I'm in town.

I take the chance to step up to the old swing set and I sit down on the swing furthest from her house. My legs are too long, but I kick off anyway. I pump my legs as I swing back and forth, feeling the wind rush along me. I notice a few toys at the edge of the play area—a dinosaur and a small Matchbox car. I smile to myself, remembering how the play area was always littered with toys, much to my mother's disdain. I slow down, letting my feet skim along the old mulch. I come to a step and dig my heels into the earth while I stare up at the house.

A door opens and closes to my right and I sit still. A voice calls out. "Hello?"

I don't move.

I can't run into her. I can't. This was stupid.

Someone is walking across the grass so I stand. "Who is that?" It's not her. I'd know her voice anywhere.

I turn towards her house and notice a little brunette standing before me. My eyes have adjusted to the dark back here, but her face is in shadows. "Derek?" she asks.

I know who that is.

"Lexie," I say quietly.

Suddenly I feel very self-conscious. I haven't showered in four days and I've been wearing the same outfit for 36 hours. I drove from Rhode Island, and I've been brushing my teeth using metallic tasting water from truck stops. There's no reason to feel self-conscious around Lexie, but she's an extension of her sister, so I feel like I'm under a magnifying glass.

She stands on the edge of the play area. She's so much older now. Long gone is the little girl I met next to the river. She's now a young woman and she's impossibly beautiful. She looks like her sister a bit, and it blindsides me.

"What are you doing here?"

I run my one hand over the back of my neck. "I just moved back. Only for a year. I'm an intern at Mary's," I add, in case she's wondering what would make me ever return here.

Lexie nods slowly. I can't see her eyes, so I don't know what she's feeling. If there's one thing I remember, Grey women carry all their emotions in their eyes, much like their father. "Were you going to stop by?" Her voice is shockingly hopeful. I never imagined Lexie would want to see me again after that summer.

I shake my head. "No. I don't think I should."

She teeters from one foot from the other uncomfortably. "Derek, you really should stop—"

"—I'd prefer if you didn't tell her you saw me." I cut her off.

"What?"

I drop my hand from my neck and bury them both in my pockets. "I can't. After everything…I can't."

"You have to. You can just be in town and not see Mered—"

"—Please Lexie, don't tell her."

Lexie wraps her arms around herself and I can feel her stare on my face. I'm so uncomfortable, and curious, and nervous, and worried. After all these years, I never really thought of Lexie again. It sounds cruel, but she and I spent the summer hiding from her little sister, not including Lexie in anything. We'd hide by the river, or out by the dairy fields. We were permanently ditching Lexie, so I never considered what leaving would be like for her when I left.

She clears her throat and takes a step back. "I can't make any promises."

I want to beg her again, but it's my own stupid fault for coming here. Lexie doesn't move, so I do. I step away from the play area and walk along the grass a few steps.

"Derek," she calls a little too loudly for my taste. I turn. "You look good." She offers me a half-smile.

I nod and find myself smiling in return. "So do you Lex. You grew up."

"That's what happens when six years pass."

"Seems so," I say and turn from her.

I walk back along the river, keeping my eyes training on the bubbling water. I'm emotional. I can feel my eyes prickling with tears and my throat closing around the pain. I shouldn't have come back here and I definitely shouldn't have gone there. The house was always so close, which I loved when I was a kid, but now, it was a huge risk. Seeing Lexie just reminds me of how much I walked away from. How much I probably missed out on. I can't even imagine what she looks like now. Probably beautiful still. Probably confident, and brilliant, and too good for me. She was always too good for me, which I proved to her that summer.


	3. 2008, Meredith (2)

**I want to thank everyone who left me comments on the last two chapters. It's very encouraging to receive feedback, and it makes me want to write more! I hope you like this next part. **

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><p><strong>2008, Meredith<strong>

Dad didn't let me out of the house until I finished organizing my room. I felt like a prisoner. Lexie was in the same boat, so we spent the better part of two days running between rooms through our bathroom and bitching about the injustice of it all. Dad didn't want to hear it and Susan was too busy unpacking an entire house. After a while, I realized if I wanted to go outside, I'd have to at least make it look like I'd unpacked. I flattened boxes and threw them into the hallway, I put away clothes and shoes, I set up my laptop, and I hung some posters on my walls.

By the time Dad came around on the third night in the new house, he nodded his approval. "Good work, Meredith. This place looks cozy."

I wouldn't have called it cozy. It was too big to be cozy, but I liked it. "Could we maybe paint the walls?" I asked with a smile, knowing my dad couldn't say no to my smile.

He liked to act stern, but really Dad was a big softie. "We could consider it, but only if you helped."

I nodded. "Yes, I'll help."

Dad opened his arms and I stepped in, allowing him to hug me close. He smiled against my hair and kissed me there. "I'm really proud of you, you know that?" I nodded against his chest. It was rare that my father showed me affection, so I took anything he offered. He wasn't a bad dad at all, but I think my mom and her death really ruined something in him. Susan was so patient with him, and me, and she was always so loving. Dad showed as much love as he could.

He pulled away and I stepped back. I was tired of being cooped up. "Can I go out?"

Dad furrowed his brow. "Out where?"

I shrugged. I didn't know anyone besides Mark and Derek and I wasn't about to go knocking on Derek's door. But I did know of a diner in town and when we got ice cream last night, Susan commented on how many young kids were inside. I figured I could loiter and make some friends. Or I could walk around town and talk on the phone to Cristina, to at least pretend I had friends locally.

"Just to walk around town. Please Dad."

It was still light out, which I knew would make the request easier for him to agree to. After a minute, he slowly nodded. "Fine, but I expect you back by nine. We don't know anyone here and anything could happen to you."

"Yes, I promise." I kissed his cheek and rushed from the house before he 1) changed his mind or 2) made me bring Lexie.

I liked it around here. The sun seemed to stay up forever and it was always warm. Even at 8 PM, the town was alive with people taking walks, swimming in pools, and carrying on. My neighborhood was full of families and there were kids running every which way. Parents sat on their porch keeping an eye out, but really just chatting because the area was so safe. I understood why Dad chose it.

There was only one way to town and it was via a road named Canyon Circle that ran perpendicular to the end of my street and ran a circle around town. I walked on the sidewalk on the left side, keeping my eye out for the now familiar view of the church steeple in the middle of town coming into view. I passed a few houses, not paying a lot of attention, before I heard someone yell out. It wasn't until someone yelled "Meredith!" that I stopped.

I turned and Mark was sitting on a porch of a big dark blue house. He was practically waving me down. "Hey, where you going?" he asked.

There was one other guy on his porch, but not someone I knew, much to my disappointment. "I'm heading into town."

Mark had a beer in hand and walked down the porch steps. I wondered how old he really was. "Come hang out," he motioned to the porch. The guy sitting up there looked harmless enough, but I didn't want to risk it.

"I should get going," I said vaguely.

"Derek's coming over," he said and I must've given him the reaction he expected. He grinned slowly. "He'll be here in a few. Come on up and have a drink."

I shrugged to no one since Mark turned his back to walk up the stairs and I said, "Okay," to myself.

Mark sat down next to his friend and kicked the cooler in front of him with his bare foot. "Grab a beer."

I stood at the edge of the top step. "No thanks." If I came back smelling at all of beer, Dad would never let me out again. I glanced over to the friend.

He nodded at me. "Hey, I'm Owen."

I smiled at him. "Hi Owen."

"New to town?" he asked and took a sip of his beer. He seemed nice and normal, which was a good thing. It meant I could relax some.

Mark grinned. "Derek and I rescued Meredith from the river. She took a bit of a swim."

"She practically drowned," a voice said behind me and I turned to watch Derek walk up the front walk. He looked casual and relaxed in the summer heat. He was wearing a gray tee shirt and a pair of dark jeans. He was wearing Converse sneakers and a broad smile stretched across his face. He scaled the steps and stood next to me, smiling at me, for me. "Good to see you again."

"You too." My voice was small.

Derek shook Owen's hand and then Mark's before opening the cooler to grab a beer. "Do you want one?" he offered and held out a can of Heineken to me. I shook my head, so he opened the beer for himself. "Mark, do you have soda or water for Meredith?"

"No, don't worry about it," I chimed in. "I can't stay long."

Derek sat on the loveseat even though there was a free chair next to Mark and smiled at me. "Well, take a seat before you have to head back." I looked at the free chair, but decided to take the seat beside Derek. He turned slightly to face me. "I realized the other day that I don't know anything about you."

"I don't know anything about you, either," I replied.

Mark laughed and shook his head. "You don't know anything about me either."

Derek shook his head. "She doesn't need to know anything more than what you already showed her." Derek returned to talking to me. "He's a flirt and predator, don't talk to him." He grinned the entire time. "He drinks beer underage, but he's a pretty good co-rescuer."

"You drink beer underage, too," Owen added.

"True enough," Derek took another sip of beer. "So, tell me all about you."

I felt my cheeks warm red. "I'm pretty boring."

Derek smiled. "I don't believe it, but I'll start first. Derek Christopher Shepherd. I'm nineteen. I have four sisters and my parents are still happily, grossly married. I can juggle really well." Mark laughed. "I'm in college for pre-med. I can wink really well," he showed me, "and can spit liquids through my front teeth." He thankfully did not show me. "I'm an Eagle Scout, I used to volunteer at the old folks' home near the hospital, I saved a dog once from an untimely death, and I am a terrible dancer."

"So the last part is to humble yourself, right?" The words left my mouth before I could stop them.

Mark burst out laughing and Owen began to clap.

Derek blushed a bit and grinned, turning to his friends. "I'm humble, right?" he asked and Mark and Owen continued to laugh. "I think I'm humble," Derek said to me only.

"I don't know about that," I teased him back, which felt natural and easy.

"Fine then, tell me about you."

I shrugged and pulled my one leg up under me. "I'm sixteen. I'm from Seattle. I only have one sister, Lexie, who you met." Derek nodded encouragingly. "I can't juggle and I've never saved a dog, but I'm a pretty good swimmer, not like I proved that the other day or anything."

Derek took a sip a beer. "The current is strong in the river and you were stuck. Even the best swimmer in the world would've struggled."

I felt confident and continued. "I like science a lot," I said and it sounded epically stupid. "Wow, I sound like a dork."

Derek laughed and shook his head. "Not at all. I like science, too. What subject do you like most?"

"Biology," I looked up at him.

"Me too. Maybe you're a future doctor, too."

I hadn't really considered what I wanted to do after high school, but since my mom was a doctor who never got to finish her work, becoming a doctor was always a possibility for me. "My mom was a surgeon." Derek's eyes grew wide. "She died when I was one, but she was a general surgeon up in Seattle. She is actually kind of famous for this method she started when she was like thirty-one or something. Her name was Ellis Grey."

Mark choked on his beer and sputtered, "Your mom is Ellis Grey?"

"Was," I corrected.

"She died during surgery, right?" Derek asked with sympathy in his voice.

"Yeah, she had some kind of condition. It's not hereditary, so I should be fine. She was undiagnosed forever and then just dropped dead from it. She was performing an appendectomy with a first year resident. The patient died on the table because when she fell, she nicked an artery. The resident also quit a few days later. It's a pretty incredible story."

Derek, Mark, and Owen just stared at me. I continued because I felt awkward. "My dad remarried Susan who practically raised me. Lexie is my half-sister. She was born when I was three. So, yeah, I'm pretty boring."

For a second Derek stared at me and I stared at him before he said, "You are anything but boring."

I felt myself go red again and I turned my head. Unfortunately, I noticed my watch and I needed to be home in fifteen minutes. I wanted to walk past the river before I headed in, so I needed to leave now. "I actually have to go. Curfew."

"Yeah, okay," Mark said. "You should swing by tomorrow. I'm having a party."

Derek looked at me. "I'll walk you home if you like."

I nodded because I did like that. I stood up and walked around Derek and Mark. "It was nice meeting you," I said to Owen.

"I hope to see you tomorrow," he responded pleasantly.

Derek followed me down the steps and called to Mark that he'd be right back. I headed towards the street, but could feel and hear Derek walking beside me. His steps were twice the length of mine, but he was moving slowly to match me. I wanted to bask in the last few minutes of sunshine before hiding out in my house for the rest of the night.

As we turned down towards our houses, I veered off towards the river. Derek didn't ask any questions and just followed me. We reached the edge of the forest and I stepped in under the canopy. I felt Derek's hand at my elbow, keeping me from falling head over heels into the water. "That rock is slippery," he said quietly, very close to my ear. Or maybe I just assumed he was close with how quiet the forest was at dusk.

I stepped over the rock, expecting Derek to drop his hand, but he didn't. His fingers slid down my forearm until he reached my fingers. I stopped walking as I felt his fingers thread through mine. He brushed against me, and my eyes fluttered closed. I could feel his breath above me, I could hear each inhalation. I decided to be brave. As his fingers played with mine, I grasped them tightly and his hand responded in turn. Our palms were pressed tight and our fingers threaded like string. He ran his thumb over the back of my hand. All the while, I watched the river in front of us.

After a moment, Derek pulled his hand to the side, making me turn to him. I looked up, first at his chest right before me, then his throat, then his mouth, and finally his eyes. I could barely see him in the darkness. Derek's free hand reached forward to touch my hair. He threaded his fingers along the tips and tugged playfully. I smiled at him.

I expected him to kiss me. I wanted him to. But he didn't. "Come on, you have curfew," he reminded me. Derek never dropped my hand as we walked along the water. In fact, his hand was the only reason I didn't fall four or five times into the river. He held my hip the one time when I nearly bit it and the feeling made me dizzy. "You're very clumsy," he observed as we began clearing the forest.

I glanced up at him. "I'm lucky you didn't let me fall."

He squeezed my hand. "I would never."

As we walked through the forest, Derek dropped my hand and turned to me. I wanted his hand in mine again, but I didn't dare ask. His fingers reached up and stroked along my cheek from temple to jaw. My breathing was embarrassingly irregular. He leaned forward and very gently kissed my cheek. My eyes closed and I leaned into him.

Derek was grinning at me as he pulled away. "Go on now. I'll make sure you get in safe."

I turned on my heels and walked shakily towards the back porch. It was 8:58. Before I reached the stairs, I turned and noticed Derek had been slowly following me. He was now standing only 30 feet away on his own property. "Will you be at Mark's party tomorrow?" I asked.

"Yes."

I smiled at him. "Good."

"Can I walk you there?"

I nodded.

"Good," Derek said.

Just as my cell phone began to ring in my pocket, letting me know I had only one minute until curfew, I stepped into the kitchen through the back door. The kitchen was dark, so I could still make out Derek's figure walking across the grass. He stared at the house and for a second I believed his eyes meet mine, but maybe I was just imagining things.


	4. 2014, Derek (2)

**Good morning (or afternoon or evening depending on where you live) everyone! I want to really, humbly, thank you all so much for the comments, story alerts, and messages I've received from this story. I am just so pleased you're liking it!**

**Here is the next part. I can't wait to hear your thoughts!**

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><p><strong>2014, Derek<strong>

My first week is hell. It's _supposed_ to be hell, so I didn't take it personally, but my first week is much harder than I assumed. On my very first day, my very first hour, I watched a patient die. She was dead on arrival, but she took a breath. Dr Speedman was excited as we began compressions, but she didn't make it. She died after 10 minutes of back breaking labor. My second day wasn't much better, but Mark is one of Dr Speedman's interns too, so at least I have someone on my side.

The hospital is riddled with hierarchy, drama, and inbred favors. I'm on the outside because I'm not the child of a legendary surgeon, or a bright young star, or even nice to the nurses. I've already learned the hard way that you should always be nice to the nurses. By my third day, everything seems a bit rosier. I get a really important chance to watch a lung transplant surgery. Dr Weaver watches me over his scope. He grills me with questions, of which I answer every one correctly. After the surgery, I feel incredible. I walk confidently along the halls of the hospital.

By day four, all of that is gone. I can't successfully find a vein on a patient and I hear an earful from Dr Speedman.

Days five and six are equally unimpressive.

Day seven is a blessing, first because I save a patient and second because once I leave, I won't have to be back to the hospital until 7 PM the next day. I have 34 uninterrupted hours of silence. I don't plan on sleeping in all day though. I have paintings to pull from the wall, walls to paint, and furniture to replace. Mark is off most of today, so he won't be around tomorrow which is all the better. He'll want to waste the day drinking.

By 2, I'm still stuck in surgery. By 3:25, I'm finally done so I head to the locker room. Mark is sitting by his locker on his phone. "Showing up would be really, really bad. No Lex-" Mark stops talking as soon as I step around the corner. I stare at him. "I have to go," he says and ends the call.

"Why are you talking to Lexie?"

Uncharacteristically, Mark looks embarrassed. "She called me, man."

"I don't care about that. Why are you talking to her?"

I can feel my blood boiling beneath the surface. Day one I knew Lexie and Mark would be friends, despite their age difference or maybe because of it. Mark did always act like a 13 year old. I didn't think when I stopped all contact he would too, but I definitely didn't think he'd be sneaky about it, hiding behind my back as he spoke to her. Pretending he never spoke to her. I wonder if they've seen each other. The thought makes me angry.

Mark stands and I'm inches shorter than him. "I'm allowed to talk to her."

"Mark, please stop bullshitting me. Just tell me."

He hangs his head. "Meredith is most likely going to be at the house when you get home." My mouth pops open with a snap. "I told Lexie it was a bad idea but after she told Meredith, there was nothing she could do."

"I told her not to tell Meredith," I grumble, realizing it's the first time I've said her name in years.

"You saw Lexie?" I nod. "She didn't tell me."

I begin pacing the length of the locker room. "So she can keep her mouth closed selectively, great." I run my hand through my hair. "I can't go home, obviously. I can stay at the Days Inn, but I need to get my things." I check my phone. "I wonder if Owen would bring them to me. No, she'd know why he's there. She'd know-"

"-that you're acting like a coward," Mark interrupts.

I stop in my tracks and face my best friend. "Are you kidding me?"

Mark shakes his head. "I've never been further from kidding in my life. I tell you Meredith is going to be sitting on your porch and your first response is to run the other way? How long do you think that'll last? This is a small town, man, and you're going to have to face her eventually. Running and hiding is what a coward does. You have a responsibility to her. You just left." He pauses and scrubs his hand over his face. "Look, I have rounds, but you know what you should do. You're not a coward, so stop hiding from your ex-girlfriend."

With that, Mark turns and leaves the room. I stand in the same spot, his words rattling through my brain. He's right, I know he's right, but that doesn't mean I want to see Meredith again. Seeing her…I allow my eyes to close and try to force the memories away. I've spent so long keeping all my thoughts of her tucked away in the furthest reaches of my brain, but being back here, seeing her, makes it so that I can't stop them from taking over my every thought.

I change out of my scrubs slowly and pull on a pair of jeans and a plain tee shirt. I check myself in the mirror, which is vein and stupid, but I want to look good if I'm about to be confronted by her. The problem is, I don't look good. I look tired, and rundown, and sad. I smile at myself in the mirror, but it's crooked, and forced, and looks nothing like me. I give up.

The drive from the hospital is only a few minutes and as I pull onto Mark's street, my heart is hammering in my chest. I want to see her first, despite the fact that I don't want to see her. I want my reaction to seeing her after six years to be private to me. Once I see her, I'll be able to mask my emotions again. But I have to see her first.

Meredith is sitting on Mark's front porch. I pull up slowly in front of the house and stare at her through the window. She doesn't see me yet. She's looking to the left and I'm given a perfect view of the right side of her face. She looks good. Amazing. Perfect. She's grown up into her looks and if possible, looks more beautiful today than she did that summer. Her skin is still the perfect combination of peaches and cream, but she's even a little tan now, too. Her hair is dark gold and falls just past her shoulders in soft, curly tendrils. She's still small and thin, and looks so breakable, but I know better than most how strong she is. Finally, after what seems like an hour, she glances towards my truck and her stormy eyes land on mine.

I cut the engine and reluctantly pull myself from the cab. I keep my back to her for a moment, trying to gather my thoughts, before turning and walking up the front walk. Meredith stands from her seat and I notice she's wearing a pair of blue shorts and a white top. As I reach the bottom step, I look up at her.

Meredith threads her fingers in front of her. "Hi Derek."

She doesn't smile or react at all, but something in the way she says my name is so very familiar. "Hi Meredith."

She smiles, just a bit. "Lexie told me she saw you the other night. I didn't believe her."

I sink my hands into my pockets and nod. "I'm back for my—"

"—internship," she interrupts. "I heard. You made it very clear you're only here for a year."

"That's right."

I watch Meredith nod slowly and then tuck her hair behind her ears. She used to tuck her hair as a nervous tick, so I can only assume she's as nervous as I am. Somehow, it comforts me to know I'm not the only one sweating under the pressure. "Congratulations on your internship," she says. "I remember you were working really hard towards your degree. I'm happy you're succeeding."

Her congratulations make me feel good and terrible all at the same time. She knows exactly who I've become, yet I know nothing about her. "What about you?" I ask. "Are you the next Ellis Grey?"

Meredith laughs softly and the sound carries through the wind. "Who knows? I'm on that path though." She meets my eyes. "I just finished my undergrad degree. Next stop medical school. I'm taking a semester off though."

"Why?" My eyes cut to her quickly.

She seems taken aback. "Life is busy. I need some time to catch up."

"The statistics on people who take time off and then return to school are low. If you don't go back in the fall, you probably will never go back. Life can't be that busy, Meredith. You have to go back to school."

Her eyes cloud over and I know the look well. She purses her lips. "You don't even know what my life is. You can't say if I'm too busy or not. You haven't been around."

She's right, of course. "I know that. I'm sorry for that, but—"

Meredith holds up her right hand and shakes her head. "I don't want your apology today. Maybe another day, but everything is too fresh and new and I just can't forgive you today. It'll sound half-assed and insincere and when you apologize to me, I need you to sound sorry."

"I am sorry, though."

"I believe you, but you don't know everything yet. When you left," she looks past me, across the street, seeing somewhere else. Seeing memories. "When you left, everything changed. You took so much away and I need you to understand everything before you apologize. So please, don't say you're sorry. Not until you know everything."

Meredith has so much conviction in her eyes, it's hard to say no to her. "I'll wait then."

"Thank you."

I feel awkward standing far below her, her eyes watching me. She used to look at me differently. During that summer, she had a glimmer in her eyes that I only saw when her eyes were turned to me. I could always tell how she was feeling just by looking at her. But the look on her face today isn't one I've ever seen before. During that summer, she never looked hurt or disappointed or sad to me, but today I think I can read each emotion on her beautiful face. I look away because it's all too much.

Before long, Meredith is walking down the steps in front of me. I look up and find her only a few feet away. "I wish you would've told me you were back. Hearing it from Lexie…" she shakes her head. "It felt shitty, Derek."

"As Mark so eloquently pointed out about an hour ago, I'm a coward."

"No you're not," her voice is strong. "Our history makes this difficult, but that doesn't mean you're a coward. Just, in the future, please don't ask my sister not to tell me things. She still doesn't fully understand everything that happened, and she still thinks you walk on water," Meredith laughs humorlessly. "I don't want her on your team. I need my sister to be there for me and she can't be there if she's keeping your secrets."

Knowing Lexie still likes me is shockingly gratifying. I just expected the entire Grey family to write me off the moment I left town, but Lexie in her youthful and trustful way, still was on my side. She hadn't written me off. Meredith, however, seems angrier and angrier with me as our conversation goes on. She's disappointed and hurt still, and I wish I could apologize, but the look in her eyes tells me I wouldn't get two words in before I was shot down again.

Meredith had been so shy that summer. The Meredith standing in front of me is confident and commanding. She demands to be heard and there's something to be said about finding her so much stronger.

"I wasn't trying to go behind you back," I say evenly, not wanting to rock the boat. "I was shocked when I saw Lexie and I panicked. I'm not going to ask her to keep secrets. I have no secrets. I just wasn't ready to see you yet," I admit.

Meredith nods slowly. "I understand. I just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page."

"We are." I don't admit out loud how good hearing _we_, in reference to Meredith and myself, sounds to me. I feel myself grow looser and less stressed. I lighten. For years I've been carrying this image of Meredith in my head, the moment when I left, and to see her now, doing so well, makes me feel better.

"I should go," she says and my instinct is to ask her to stay.

"Okay," I say, not asking her anything.

Meredith walks past me and I catch a whiff of something floral. The scent is wonderfully intoxicating. I turn just as she pauses midway down the front walk. "What are you doing tomorrow?"

"Nothing," I say and my voice sounds hopeful. "I mean, I have work at seven, but nothing until then." I can paint my new walls any day.

"Would you come by the house? Maybe at eleven?"

I'm suddenly afraid of what Susan or Thatcher might think if I just show up after so long. Clearly, they've taken their daughter's side, but does that mean they'll be outwardly rude and hostile to me or will they save face? It's hard to tell because half the time Thatcher seemed to really like me and the other half I was sure he was trying to find a rifle to shoot my face off. Susan was always unfailingly kind, so I sort of hope she'd forgive me.

I'm about to ask about her parents when Meredith says, "My dad and Susan are away on vacation. It's just Lexie and me. If you're worried," she adds.

I find myself laughing uncomfortably. "Is it that obvious?"

Meredith nods with a little smirk on her face. "I still know you." My eyes meet hers. "I can still read your body language. You're probably thinking my dad will shank you."

"Rifle, actually."

She laughs softly. "I have to admit, I wouldn't mind seeing my dad threaten you a bit."

"Save it for when he returns."

"I will. I'll make sure to have my camera ready." She turns on her heel and heads down the walkway. "See you tomorrow, Derek," she calls over her shoulder and heads back towards her house. I watch her the entire way. She never turns around, but something in the way she keeps her arms wrapped around herself tell me that she knows I'm watching. She's trying to hold herself together. Six years ago, I would've chased after her and hugged her until she told me what was wrong, but I'm what's wrong today and a hug wouldn't make any of it better.

For a minute, I stand dumbfounded in the middle of the lawn. I had expected so much from my reunion with Meredith: tears, screaming, accusations, anger, hostility, maybe even some bodily harm, but Meredith was calm and collected. She never raised her voice and she didn't even appear to blame me as much as I deserved. She's grown up, she's matured, and it's incredible to see.

I know I won't be able to focus on anything for the rest of the afternoon, so I decide to paint today. I climb right back in my truck and drive in the direction of the closest paint store. I like blue, so I'll pick a shade and walk out with two gallons today. Painting, keeping myself occupied, will help me piece together everything that just happened. I'll sleep with the windows open tonight so I don't sleep in paint fumes and tomorrow I'll go to Meredith's house.

_Tomorrow I'll go to Meredith's house._

I slam the breaks and press my head to the steering wheel. I never once thought I'd be in her house again. Never. I can't even begin to understand what any of this means, but for the time being, I'm going to paint and not think about it. I'll worry tomorrow, as I stand on Meredith's doorstep.


	5. 2008, Meredith (3)

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><p><strong>2008, Meredith<strong>

Susan liked to whistle while she cooked, which I always found funny as a child. I'd sit at the kitchen table in the Seattle house and listen to her whistle show tunes, and old 80s classics, and Disney songs while she made apple pie, spinach fritters, Thanksgiving dinner, pot roast, fingerling potatoes bathed in butter and rosemary, honey ice cream. Susan was an amazing cook. She made even the most basic meals interesting. Her macaroni and cheese was filled with herbs and vegetables, layered with cured ham. Whenever Susan cooked she was in the best mood, so I planned to ask her about the party as soon as she was elbows deep in a batch of blueberry muffins.

I edged my way into the room and pulled a container of orange juice from the door.

Susan smiled at me. "Hi there, what are you up to?"

I poured a cup and leaned against the countertop. "Not much. Lexie wants to go to the river."

"I hear it's very cool down there. You're being safe, right?" I didn't tell Susan or Dad about my fall. They didn't need to know.

"Yes, we're safe."

Susan pulled her fingers from the batter and wiped the excess on the edge of the bowl. "Can you turn the tap on for me?" I crossed the kitchen and pulled the faucet up while Susan washed her hands. She dried them on a dishtowel. "Thank you." She glanced at me. "Why are you so quiet? Did you break something?" she teased.

As clumsy as I was next to the river (which I really think was due-in-part to Derek's hand in mine), I was even clumsier inside. I knocked into tables and broke priceless heirlooms all the time. Susan had learned to practically glue everything down.

"No, I didn't break anything."

She fist her hands to her hips. "Then what's up?"

I took a deep breath and begin, "So you know Mark and Derek, the boys who helped the other day? Well Mark's having a party tonight. And there will be drinking, but I won't drink. I swear. Derek asked me to go. Well he didn't _ask_ me, but he's walking me. And I can be home by nine if you want. I'll even ask Derek to walk me back. But I really want to go. Can I go?"

Susan laughed and cupped my cheek. "When you ramble, you are just adorable. Now, let's talk more about this party. Drinking and boys?" she asked. I nodded. "Your father would hate that." I nodded. "You know, when I was your age, I'd just sneak out." She looked at me. "You're a responsible young woman. I appreciate you asking me."

"I can't sneak out. My bedroom is on the second floor," I smiled.

"That's very true," Susan laughed and began pouring the batter into prepared cupcake tins. "I'm not saying yes because your father is out of town, but it does make saying yes much easier. You can go, of course, but I'd like you home by eleven. I'm asking you not to drink and I hope you'll listen to me."

I nodded quickly. "Yes, yes, I swear."

"Alright. Take your sister to the river, but be back before dinner. If you want, I can curl your hair for the party."

I broke into a large grin. "Yes, thank you." I leaned in and kissed Susan's cheek before practically skipping upstairs to find Lexie.

Lexie and I walked down to the river in shorts and tee shirts, not inclined to go into the water again after my stumble. We kicked our shoes off near the edge of the woods and stepped inside. Lexie shivered and walked close to me. I looked around to see if Derek or Mark were nearby, but for all I knew, they never came to the river. The other day could've been a fluke. Lexie was looking around too and I was sure she was looking for Mark. He didn't talk to her like a little kid (which I hated), but I'm sure he made Lexie feel older (at least she wasn't so angry lately).

After a minute, we both sat down on the edge and dipped our toes into the water. Lexie laid back on the pine needles and rested her head in her hands. "My friends won't talk to me," she admitted.

I turned and glanced down at her. She looked so young. "Why not?"

She shrugged. "I tried calling all of them and they don't answer. I've text them and emailed them, but no one is talking to me. I mean, I don't care, but it's stupid. Like, Cara still has some of my CDs and she promised to mail them to me."

"Maybe they're busy," I said kindly.

"They don't want to be friends with me anymore."

I knew how Lexie felt, sort of. Cristina was the only one of my friends to keep in contact in the last four days. Alex texted me once, but it was short. Callie and Arizona had been MIA, but they were so wrapped up in their summer jobs, I wasn't worried. Cristina texted me almost every day. She missed me, I knew that, even without her saying so. I missed her, too.

Lexie, though, had a ton of friends at home. All girlfriends who were as involved as she had been. Yes, she'd cut a lot of them off back in the spring, but she still had six or seven close friends. I was surprised none of them were talking to her, especially after the scene they caused when they all said goodbye. I'm pretty sure they cried more tears than rain Death Valley saw any given year.

"You'll make new friends. Once school starts, you'll be so busy with activities and sports and friends that you won't even think about Seattle."

Lexie nodded. "I hope so. I was thinking of picking up volleyball again. Dad told me the team here is good."

I grinned at my little sister. "I think that's a really great idea."

"Will you practice with me? Dad says he'll put up a net in the backyard and dig out a sandpit."

"Yes, I'll practice as long as you only minorly make fun of me when I trip and fall and hit myself in the head with the ball."

Lexie laughed, probably imagining the last few times she'd asked me to help her practice her sports. "I'll only laugh for like three minutes instead of ten."

I reached my hand out, "Deal."

After a few hours, Lexie was hungry and I was anxious, so we headed back up to the house for dinner and for me to get ready. Susan told Lexie it'd be just the two of them for the evening, and I half expected Lexie to pout and ask to tag along, but she seemed pretty okay with it. When Susan offered to watch a movie with her, Lexie even nodded.

We cleaned up in record time and Susan dragged me into her bedroom. My parents' bedroom took up the whole right side of the house. The bedroom faced the river and woods, and then they had a "dressing room" with two big walk-in closets, and then a massive bathroom with marble on the floor and up half the walls. Susan took me into the dressing room and sat me down at her dressing table, something we'd never had before. I stared into the mirror, finding myself as average as before, before turning away and waiting for Susan.

She returned with a curling iron, a lot of hairspray, and little pins. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lexie peeking around the corner. "Can I watch?" she asked. Susan smiled and pulled up a second chair.

Susan took her time slowly curling the ends of my hair and spraying each strand with hairspray. Lexie helped, holding pins and handing them to her mother when she asked. Susan was talking about her new job at the community center, where she was now director. She chose which plays were put on, which musicals were sung, and which activities would be on the roster. It was pretty perfect for her and her happiness about going to work every day made the move more than worth it.

At eight, my hair was perfectly curled in a way where it looked effortless, my cheeks were lightly pink, and my eyes were lined and mascara-ed. I felt pretty. I changed into my favorite pair of black jeans, a pair of black flats, and a pretty dark blue top. "You're goth," Lexie complained from the doorway.

I turned and chucked a slipper at her. "Nuh-uh," I said very maturely. "Mom says this is classic elegance."

"Mom wears sweaters that are ten times too big."

"I heard that," Susan called from the hallway. "Meredith, I believe Derek is waiting outside for you."

My heart rate immediately picked up. I pulled open my door and Susan looked me over. "Oh, you look just wonderful," she said with a kind smile. She handed me a key. "A house key. I won't lock you out, but you may need it in the future."

I palmed the key and slid it into my pocket. "Thanks."

She reached forward and squeezed my hand. "Okay, off now."

I took the stairs too at a time and tried to act casual as I walked outside. Derek was waiting for me, standing at the end of my driveway with his head tipped up to the sky. He was watching the stars, that much was true, but it looked like he wasn't just watching, but reading them. He ran his finger along shapes I couldn't see and even muttered to himself. It was absolutely adorable. I hopped down the steps, drawing enough attention so he turned my way.

Derek looked good in a dark red tee shirt and jeans, which hung nicely on him. I admired the way his eyes swept over me and the smile on his face. I was sure at least Lexie was watching us, maybe Susan, and I hoped they wouldn't watch me make a fool of myself.

I crossed the grass as I made my way to him. He watched me for a second before walking forward to meet me partway. Derek grinned at me. He fingered my hair and thankfully his fingers didn't get trapped in my curls. "You look beautiful," he said and it was the first time anyone had ever said that to me besides my family.

"Thank you," I said quietly.

I wanted him to kiss me so desperately I actually thought about doing it first, but I was too afraid.

"Ready?" he asked. He held his hand out to me.

My fingers threaded through his. "Ready," I confirmed and we began the walk to Mark's house.

The night was beautiful, slightly cool and very dark. The only light we really had was from the houses. We walked past Derek's first and I noticed some lights on downstairs. "Who's home?" I asked.

Derek glanced at his house. "My parents and Amy. Amelia," he said. "I'm the only person whose allowed to call her Amy. She's leaving in a few days for camp."

"What about your other sisters?"

"Kate lives in Philadelphia. She's ten years older than me. Nancy, she's twenty-five, and Lizzie, she's twenty-two, both live in Manhattan. They're both in college. Well, Nancy's about to graduate with her double Masters and Lizzie just graduated undergrad. She's going to be moving to Chicago for grad school."

Derek's hand squeezed mine and I squeezed back. "You're all so accomplished."

He laughed steadily. "Mom pushes us a lot to be the best we can. Dad is also a big believer in higher education. He never went to college, but he went to trade school. He makes the most amazing furniture you'd ever seen."

"Really?" When I glanced up at Derek, his face was brimming with pride.

"Oh yeah. I'll take you to his shop sometime soon. He can draw everything in wood, just like paper and his tools are pencils. He's flawless." I could see how close Derek was to his father just watching him speak about him. His face was wide with happiness and his voice was strong.

"I'd love to see it."

Derek stopped short just shy of Mark's block and turned to face me. I could barely make him out in the darkness, but I could tell he was smiling. Even in the dim light, his eyes were shining. I wondered what I looked like to him. Did I look excited like he was? Did I look hopeful? I felt hopeful, and excited, and nervous. His other hand came down and threaded with mine and he took a half step closer to me. My breath caught in my throat. I turned my head to look up at him.

Incredibly slowly, Derek leaned closer to me. He dropped my one hand and wrapped it around the back of my neck. His fingers were warm against my skin and I broke out in goosebumps. Derek pressed his forehead to mine, his eyes never leaving mine. I could practically taste him on my lips as his breath washed over me. My eyes fluttered closed and a second later, he was kissing me.

I'd been kissed a few times before, but never like this. Derek's mouth was firm, but gentle again mine, soft, but greedy. He kissed me thoroughly, pressing his lips to mine, tasting my lip with his tongue, and sliding his tongue into my mouth. I opened for him, taking him in and tasting him. I shivered and sighed and Derek pulled away just enough to suck on my lower lip before sliding his tongue in again. His other hand had long since dropped mine and he held me tightly by the waist. For a minute, I just hung against him while he kissed me before reaching up and wrapping my arms around the back of his neck.

We clung to each other, pulling and pushing, dragging and holding. The earth was moving beneath us and the sky above us, and all I cared about was Derek Shepherd kissing me beneath the dark, star lit sky, holding onto me like he needed me as much as I needed him.

After a few minutes, he finally pulled away. I could've passed out from the kiss alone. Derek leaned in just enough to brush his lips to mine. "I like you," he said quietly. Darkness made everything easier to say.

I ran my hands across his chest and to his shoulders, boldly exploring him. "I like you, too," I whispered in return.

We were kissing again, devouring each other like our lives depended on it. I wanted so much more from him and the thought scared me. I'd never done anything but kiss a boy and now I was thinking of a big, scary future with one. Derek pulled away to kiss along my jaw and I made an embarrassing noise somewhere between a moan and a sigh. He laughed against my skin and then took a big step back from me. I reached for him, but he was far away.

"We have to stop."

I pouted, but he couldn't see.

Derek reached out enough to take my hand. "If I keep kissing you, I'll never stop."

"Don't," I said to the darkness.

I felt him shiver all the way down to his fingertips. "Tonight I have to."

I didn't say anything else about the matter, but I thought a few times about pushing him up against a car or a tree or a house and kissing him silly. Within a few minutes, we were walking up to Mark's house hand-in-hand. The party was inside, but the windows were open so the deep booming sound of a bass flooded the peaceful night. Derek kept me close as he stepped inside. There were a ton of people and I wondered where they even come from.

In the back, we found Mark reigning court over a keg. When he saw us he thrust his fist into the air. "You two!" he shouted and handed the beer spout to some guy. Mark crossed the space between us and threw his arms around our necks, dragging us into him. "I was waiting for you guys."

Derek and I grinned at each other.

"Where have you been?"

Mark pulled away and Derek fixed his shirt. "I was having a wardrobe malfunction." He winked at me. He'd been right; he is really, very good at winking.

Mark glanced me over once. "Why can't you have a wardrobe malfunction?"

My cheeks flushed. I didn't look at Derek. "You are very drunk, aren't you?"

He laughed out loud and pulled me into a hug. "I like this girl, Derek. Do you like her? Because I do. I'm going to marry this girl."

I pushed against Mark's ribs until I was free from his grasp. "You have to ask her first," Derek reminded him.

"Right, right! Okay," Mark dropped onto one knee in front of me and held out a beer can tab. "Meredith," he said and at first I actually heard some conviction in his voice. "You are desperately hot," I rolled my eyes and glanced at Derek, who was enjoying the entire display. "I want to have babies with you." I tried to tug my hand back, but he held me close. "Please marry me." He tried to shove the tab onto my finger, but it hurt and I pulled back.

Derek gently removed the tab from my fingers and shook his head. "I'd say that's a no, buddy."

Mark stood up on shaky legs. "Damn." Someone passed and Mark yelled, "Hey Allison! Do you want to marry me?"

"Fuck off," she yelled in return.

Derek's chest was pressed to my back and I could feel him laughing. He dropped his lips right next to my ear and whispered, "Mark likes you."

I smiled. I liked that Derek's best friend liked me. "He can be a—"

"—jerk, asshole, weirdo?" Derek supplied.

I laughed. "Jerk works."

Derek nodded. "Yes, he can be, but he tries." I agreed.

We walked around the party for the next hour or so. Derek drank a beer and I sipped on water, which happened to look like vodka, so no one bothered me about being stone cold sober. Derek introduced me to some of his friends and made sure to point out the people still in high school. I liked that he was looking out for me. I also liked that he kept touching me—my waist, my hand, my shoulders, my hips. He pressed two kisses to my temple when no one was looking and it felt nice to be noticed.

Around 10 PM, everyone was getting seriously loud, so Derek suggested we go outside. There was a fire pit in the back and only a few people sitting around. Owen was out there with some girl. He greeted me and I said hi. Derek and I sat down in the grass on the other side of the fire. We wrapped his arm around my shoulders and drew me close. "Is this okay?" he asked.

I had my arms wrapped around my knees and my body leaning into his. "Yes," I whispered.

He leaned in and kissed me briefly. "If anything is too fast or isn't what you want, tell me."

I nodded. I reached out and picked up his left hand, flipping it over so I could draw pictures across his palm. "I've never had a boyfriend before," I admitted. My eyes went wide and I shook my head. "Not that you're my boyfriend. I'm not assuming that. You're just…you're you and I'm me and we're just…having fun. Nothing more. But I like it. And you. But I don't want you to feel like I'm going to just tell everyone you're my boyfriend. Because I know you're not."

When I took a breath, Derek was watching me with amazement in his eyes. He was grinning. "You ramble when you're nervous." I nodded without saying a word. "I like it." He leaned over and kissed my nose. "And who says I'm not your boyfriend?"

I glanced up at him. "You are?" He nodded. "But I've only known you for four days."

"Yes and if I recall, you've already made out with me in public."

My cheek flushed and I turned away while grumbling, "No one was around."

He chuckled and I felt his laugh all along my left side. Derek's one hand squeezed my shoulder, dragging me to lay my head on his shoulder. "I like that you ramble. And that you blush anytime I say anything that scandalizes you. And I like how you kiss." I blushed and looked at him. "I like you. So, are you my girlfriend?"

Very slowly I nodded. I slid my palm over his. "Yes."

Derek smiled and it was like all the light in the world poured out of him. "Good answer." His mouth found mine and we kissed next to the fire, beneath the stars, transferring our light back and forth until it was time for me to go. When we reached my house, he kissed me against my back door. I didn't care if Susan was watching or Lexie would tease me tomorrow. Derek was holding me exactly how I never knew I needed to be held and he was kissing me like he never wanted to taste anyone's lips ever again.


	6. 2014, Derek (3)

**Thank you to those of you who have commented! Every single one makes me happy. As Rainbow Rowell said in her perfect novel, _FanGirl_, "comments were like gold stars, like May Day bouquets." Every comment is like a little gift and taking the time to send me words of encouragement is just so kind.**

**Enough babbling for now. I will have a postscript, though, you know, for more babbling.**

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><p><strong>2014, Derek<strong>

I didn't know what I'd feel when I stepped onto Meredith's front porch, but I wasn't ready for the wave of emotion that hit me square in the jaw. After I knocked, I turned my back on the door and stared out across the street, trying to compose myself. We spent endless nights sitting on this porch wrapped in each other. I knew her father was always watching and I always (mostly) kept my hands to myself. I can still hear Meredith's laugh ringing through the air while I told her countless stories about Mark, really terrible jokes, or just tickled her side.

The front door opens and I turn just as Meredith is shutting the door behind her. She looks even more beautiful today with her blond hair pulled back in a ponytail and dressed in a pair of shorts and a red tank top. Her skin looks buttery under the light and I can see freckles all across her shoulders.

"Hi," she says.

I don't know how to greet her. I can't shake her hand, or hug her, or touch her so I just nod. "Hey."

"Thanks for coming," she offers me a smile and motions to the front steps. "Will you sit with me for a minute?"

We move towards the steps and sink down together. Meredith rests her elbows on her knees and stares off towards my old house and I lean against the spindles. For a minute, neither of us say anything. Finally, after I've had too much time staring at her, remembering her, she says, "It's weird to see the house abandoned like that."

I glance at the old house, which looks more sinister in the daylight. "You're telling me. I'm pretty sure some of our stuff is still in there."

Meredith nods. "Lexie used to break in there with her friends." Her eyes cut to me. "She never touched anything. But they liked to explore. She said it looked like you all just got up and left."

"We basically did." She nods because she remembers. "Am I allowed to apologize yet?"

"No." She seems nervous. "There are things to discuss first."

I agree, "Okay. Like what?"

Meredith looks up at me. "What happened right after you left? I mean, I know you went to Rhode Island, but I don't know the rest of the story."

That time was such chaos. One moment we're mourning and the next my mother is packing up as much as she can, hiring a moving van, and pushing Amelia and me out the door. We drove 18 hour days to reach Rhode Island, where my mom's sister lives. Amelia cried the entire time, but I was too busy sharing driving and keeping Mom awake when she was driving to feel anything. I called Mark a few times from the road, but the news back home and in the U-Haul was bleak.

Meredith is watching me, so I say, "My mom was having a breakdown. She didn't even talk to us for weeks. We moved. I don't know what else to say."

"You didn't call."

I shook my head. "No, I didn't."

"I called you a lot. I left you messages."

I probably could still repeat each one word for word if someone asked me to. "_Derek, it's me. Where are you? I know you left and I know you said its over,_" she was crying then, "_but you can't just make that decision for the both of us. I love you. I know you love me. Please._" Every message was heartbreaking, every single one until the last one. Exactly a year after I left, she called me in the afternoon. I didn't pick up. "_You're a coward. You just leave, with nothing more to say than_ I'm sorry_ and you expect that it's better for me. You ruined my life, Derek. You're selfish, and a terrible person and I hope to never, ever see you again_." I could hear her gasping her air. Someone said something in the background. "_I hate him_," she cried and the line went dead.

"I listened to them all. I wanted to call, but I couldn't."

"Because you thought it was better for me."

I nod and stare at my hands. "I was messed up after everything happened. I almost failed out of school, I stopped talking to everyone, not just you—my sisters, my mom, Mark. I just couldn't deal. You wouldn't have even known who I was back then."

"I don't know who you are now," she says quietly. I glance at her. "You never smile anymore."

"Not a whole lot to smile about," I admit.

Meredith nods slowly. "A lot changed the day you left." She fidgets with a bracelet on her wrist. It's handmade with little purple and pink beads, nothing she would've worn before. "I kept trying to call you, to tell you everything in my messages, but I never could. I talked to Mark, I tried to call Amelia, but you were so completely cut off to me."

I hang my head. I'm ashamed by my own actions. "I told everyone not to answer. I was stupid."

"You were," she agrees. I smile a bit. "I didn't know how to tell you."

I look at her. "Tell me what?" When Meredith doesn't answer me for a minute, I sit up straight and watch her. She's scared. She's nervous. "Meredith, tell me what?" She still doesn't answer. "Are you sick? Are you okay?" I begin to panic. I've just seen her again and if she were sick, I'd have wasted six years shutting her off.

"No, no, I'm fine. I'm not sick."

"Then what is it?"

Meredith turns her eyes up to the heavens and her eyelids flutter closed. I'm reminded of our first kiss, standing along the street when her eyes closed the same way. I kissed her then, not wanting another minute to pass before I tasted her lips. She kissed me back so quickly. She held me and shivered while we explored one another. The moment was my favorite up until that point.

She drops her eyes to the street and I see her gaze soften. "The day of the funeral," I wince and she apologizes. "I came by afterwards. I don't know if you remember but—"

"—I asked you to leave."

"Yes and I did. I gave you time and when I came by again, you broke up with me, packed the U-Haul, and didn't look back. I tried to tell you, Derek, but everything was unraveling." I stare at her intently. I'm ready to shake her to get the answer from her, but I can tell it's not easy to talk about. "I was pregnant."

The second the words leave her mouth, my entire mouth goes dry. She'd been so desperate to talk to me that day. She was crying the entire time and I assumed it was because I was upset. When I ended it, she was near hysterics. I thought she was upset about me leaving her, about giving her such a poor reason for ending everything we'd shared. I never thought…

"How far along?"

"About five weeks." She swallows. "I was taken to the hospital after everything that day." I knew she meant the day my father died. "Remember I kept throwing up for that week?" I nod. "Well, that was why. I was pregnant."

"What happened?" Could I possibly be a father and not know it?

Meredith fiddles with her bracelet again. "After a few months, when I didn't hear from you again, and I began showing, I told my parents." I look away, imagining her telling them when I was across the country. "My dad was furious. Susan wasn't happy either. He almost kicked me out, but Lexie talked him down."

"Are you telling me…" my voice trails away as my heart races in my chest.

"We have a daughter."

I stand up and walk off the porch. I don't go far. I begin to pace the grass. I stare up at the house, trying to find any sign of a little girl living there, but I can't focus on anything but Meredith's words. _We have a daughter. We have a daughter. We have a daughter._ "Who is she? I mean, what's her name? When's her birthday? Does she know about me?"

Meredith watches me from the steps. "Her name is Caroline Ellis Grey. She just turned five. Her birthday is May 11th, 2009."

"We have a daughter," I gasp.

"Yes. She's beautiful, Derek. She has your eyes and smile."

The world comes crashing down around me. "We have a daughter and you never told me?"

She looks taken aback. "I just explained to you that I couldn't tell you. You wrote me off and told your family not to answer my calls. I even tried writing to you and—"

"—I threw away the letter."

Meredith nods. "Yes."

"Mark, does Mark know?"

She pauses and then nods. I want to rip my hair out. "He just found out, though. After I told my parents, I hid myself away. I took online high school classes and then went back to finish my senior year. No one knew I was pregnant or had a baby. And then you all were gone, so I didn't feel the need to hide anymore. The only reason Mark knows is he saw Caroline and me walking. He knew she was yours. He swore he wouldn't tell."

"Why?" I practically shout.

Meredith remains calm. "It'd been too long. Caroline is five now and you showing up in her life…" she shakes her head. "I regret it, okay? I should've told you the second Mark saw us, but I was so stunned he was here and I never thought you'd be back here."

"So you were never going to tell me."

She shakes her head no.

"I want to see her," I demand.

Meredith stands and crosses her arms over her chest. "No."

I stare up at her and I've never been so angry in my life. For five years I've lived my life not knowing that a little girl who is made up of half of me has been running around. Meredith kept her from me. "Are you fucking serious?" I spit out the words.

"You're not meeting her like this. You're mad. You need to cool down first before you so much as see her."

She's right, I know that, but it doesn't mean I agree. "Meredith," I say desperately.

Meredith walks down the steps towards me. She stands near me as I still pace. "She's smart, like really smart. She was reading on her own by three and can already do multiplication tables. She's funny. She tells this one joke about a cow and a duck and I laugh every time. She has the goofiest laugh and an infectious smile. She likes green and carrots. She wants me to read _The Little House_ to her every night and she asks about you."

I look up. "What do you tell her?"

"That her daddy had to go away for a little while, but will be back soon."

"Does she believe you?"

Meredith shrugs. "I hope so. You're here, aren't you?"

"I can't believe you didn't tell me," I say quietly.

"Derek, I couldn't. I tried and then you were gone. Then I learned you were at Colombia and you were doing exactly what you always wanted to do. Caroline and I were okay. Susan and Dad came around and fell in love with her. Lexie carried her around like she was hers. My family supported me."

"So you're saying because you didn't need me, I didn't have a right to know."

Meredith shakes her head. "No, I'm saying because I had support, I could let you live your life and I could live mine. You'd become some world famous doctor, save lives, and live exactly how you planned to and I would have Caroline, probably become a doctor a bit later in life, and raise my daughter—our daughter—to the best of my ability."

"That wasn't your decision to make."

"Just like leaving me wasn't your decision to make." I open my mouth to speak, but she cuts me off. "I heard you and your mom talking the day after the funeral. She said you could stay with me and you said no. You chose to leave."

I throw my hands in the air and point to the house. "I couldn't stay in that house! My father was murdered there, while you and I were fucking by the goddamn river. If I had been home like I was supposed to, he wouldn't have died!"

Meredith takes a step back and tightens her arms around herself. The girl I once knew flashes before my eyes. The scared, timid girl. "Fucking," she repeats. "So that's what that was to you."

"No, you know I didn't—"

"—mean it, yeah, I know, but you said it. You were fucking me and your father died. I knew you blamed me."

"I don't blame you. I didn't back then either," I explain. "But that summer, I was carefree and careless, clearly," I motion to her house and the little girl inside. "Everything about you muddled my thoughts and I was never clear. My dad told me he was roughed up by some guys the day before and I knew he was worried. If I'd stayed—"

"—you could be dead right now, too." She interrupts.

I shake my head. I'm drowning again, feeling the pressure above me and all around me. I never imagined Meredith would get pregnant. We were always so safe. She was on the pill. My mind is cloudy and my thoughts murky. Inside is a little girl who looks like me, likes the color green, and can multiply. Beside me is a house where my worst nightmares came true. In front of me is the girl I once loved, bearing her soul to me, as I struggle to force everything down.

I'm fraying at the edges, coming undone. "I have to go."

Meredith nods as if she knew this was coming.

"I'm not running like before," I clarify. She stares at me. "It's just, this is a lot, Meredith. I've been a father for five years and I've never even seen my daughter. You tell me she likes carrots and being read to and I can't even picture her in my mind. I know you tried to find me, I believe you, but you kept her from me. You denied her her father and it just…what I did to you was terrible and I'm so sorry for my part in all this, but I never kept something like this from you. I would never."

She's crying now. I'm crying. "One day you'll understand," she whispers. "I did this for her."

"No, you did it for yourself."

I turn and walk away, glad for the walk since I left my truck at Mark's place. I practically stomp my way from her driveway and up to the road, anger and fury coasting through my veins. My vision is cloudy and everything within me is ready to explode. A daughter. Caroline. A little girl who looks like me and looks like Meredith. A little girl who thinks her father abandoned her. I wipe away my tears in frustration and practically collapse where I stand. I waiver on my feet and as soon as I steady myself, I choke back on vomit. She kept her from me. She lied and hid and kept my own daughter from me. I ball my hands into fists and walk the rest of the way to Mark's house leaving a trail of fire behind me.

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><p><strong>Some of you guessed it, so bravo on you! You get a cookie! <strong>

**I do want to just make one comment before the tar and feathers are thrown. Both Meredith and Derek made mistakes - no one is blameless. But then again, neither of them can shoulder the entire blame. **

**Despite the high drama, I hope you enjoyed this update and the big reveal. Oh, and I know this plot line is probably tired, but I hope my own spin on it will help freshen it up.**


	7. 2008, Meredith (4)

**First, and most importantly, thank you for the comments! They are absolutely delightful and make me more excited than is really healthy.**

**Second, I received an overall good response from the last chapter and the "big reveal" so thank you to everyone who was so kind. I did receive an upset guest message about how Derek "broke" Meredith and how he made the reader "sick." The only two things I'll say to that is Meredith was not broken and still isn't. She's stronger than heartbreak and I think she's proven that by competently raising a daughter. The other thing is, I'm sorry if you think Derek is totally to blame. I don't, but I also have a very personal connection to aspects of this story and from my point-of-view, no one is blameless, not even Meredith.**

**Anyway, onto a new update!**

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><p><strong>2008, Meredith<strong>

The day after the party, Dad came home and eyed me as I walked out the front door, crossed our lawn onto the Shepherds' and knocked on their front door. Susan said she didn't see Derek and me together last night, but I didn't believe her because of the smug smile on her face. She saw him kiss me and let me walk over to see him. I didn't think she told my dad because he would've freaked.

I knocked on the door and waited as patiently as possible. I tied my hair back to keep it off my sweaty neck and dressed in shorts and a tank top. When the door opened, I was surprised to see a man who looked very much like Derek, only taller and more commanding.

"H-hello," I said uneasily.

The man broke into a grin and it was like an older version of Derek was staring at me. "You must be Meredith." My cheeks flushed because Derek had told his father about me. "So nice to meet you and gosh are you beautiful. Please, please come on in."

Derek's father stepped back and allowed me to pass. The Shepherd home looked a lot like mine from the foyer, a room to the left, a living room to the right and a grand staircase running up the middle. "I'm Michael, father to Derek and about fifteen thousand girls," he said with a surprising Southern twang and I laughed. He grinned at me. "My son is one lucky duck, if I were his age—"

"—I would keep you a hundred miles from my girlfriend," Derek said from the top of the stairs. He smirked at me as he walked down and wrapped his arm around my waist as soon as he reached me. "Hi," he whispered and kissed me chastely in front of his father.

Michael shook his head and held his hands up in a rectangular fashion. "A picture, you two are a picture of beauty! Carolyn, get in here and see these two beautiful creatures!"

Derek laughed and turned to me, his fingers warm and tight against my hip. "You look beautiful."

"I'm sweaty," I groaned charmingly.

He laughed again and kissed my cheek. "You taste good, though."

My face turned bright red just as Derek's mother walked in the room. She was shorter than Derek, but taller than me. She had the same commanding presence as her husband and an equally amused grin. Derek had her eyes and dark hair. "Meredith, so great to meet you." She closed me in a tight hug, not even minding her son's hands on me. Derek finally dropped his hand as Carolyn stepped back and took me by the shoulders. "Can I get you something to drink?"

I began to shake my head and Michael piped in, "Oh, you have to try her iced tea. It'll change your world. Come on," he waved them towards the kitchen and Carolyn followed, calling something after her husband.

Derek caught me by the wrist before I could follow his parents and ducked into the side room next to the steps. It was a spare bedroom, but it was probably once Kate's room or maybe Nancy's or Lizzie's. Derek mouth pressed to mine quick enough to take the breath from my lungs. His hand swept up my back, over my shirt, and to my sweaty neck, holding me tightly against him. I fisted my hands in his shirt and opened my mouth to him, leisurely dipping my tongue into his mouth to taste him. He tasted like butterscotch. Derek moaned into my mouth and gripped my hip with his free hand.

My head was absolutely spinning. I felt him press against me and I _felt_ him. He didn't shy away from his desire and in fact pressed in more. I wrapped my one arm around his back and gripped him to me. I released a bubbling moan, which is when Derek pulled away to kiss along my jaw and down my neck. I turned my head while he licked the underside of my chin and I practically fell to my knees when his lips suctioned onto the space beneath my ear.

A second later, someone was knocking on the wall behind me. "Okay kids, I'm going to need you to come on out now." Michael's voice was laced with humor, but Derek took the command very seriously.

Derek stepped away from me and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. I watched as his eyes slid over me and everything inside me lit up. He wanted me. "Sorry Dad," he said slowly.

Michael chuckled. You could even hear his accent even in his laugh. "No need to fuss, just get on out here before your Mama hears the god awful racket you two were making."

As he walked away, I felt mortified. "Oh my god, I have to go." I held my cheeks in my hands to keep Derek from seeing the blush.

Derek removed my hands from my cheeks and took one hand in mine. "Don't worry about him, he's just teasing. Dad walked in on Nancy having sex when she was only fifteen. I'm nineteen, he can't say anything to me."

"Yes, but you were just kissing your sixteen year old neighbor."

His fingers swept across my cheek. "Don't say kissing to me." His eyes glanced at my lips. "When you say kissing, I want to kiss you again."

"Kissing," I whispered.

"Evil." He leaned towards me.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd, so help me god!" Carolyn yelled from the kitchen.

Derek's cheeks burned red this time and he led me from the guest bedroom. When we walked into the kitchen, his parents were sitting at the table and while Michael was clearly amused, Carolyn was annoyed. I felt badly. I shouldn't have come over. But as soon as I sat down at the table with my iced tea (which really was incredible), Carolyn turned to me with a happy grin on her face. She continued to shoot daggers at Derek. "Derek tells us you moved from Seattle?"

I nodded slowly. "Yes. I grew up there. Born and raised. My stepmom got a good job around here and she couldn't pass up on the opportunity." It was always easier for me to talk to adults rather than kids my own age.

"That's wonderful for your stepmom. How long as she been your stepmom?"

Derek groaned, "Mom."

"I am getting to know your girlfriend. You leave here last night with a dopey grin on your face and come back with an even dopier one. You tell us you have a girlfriend, but nothing else. I want to know her." Carolyn turned back to me. "Ignore him."

I laughed at Derek's faux anger towards his mother. "My parents married when I was one. My stepmom and Dad, that is."

"Derek tells us you lost your mama when you were young," Michael said.

"Yes. Susan raised me so I call her my mom sometimes, especially when I'm talking to my little sister, Lexie. She doesn't actually believe we don't have the same mom because we're so alike. We're like our dad, though."

Michael sat back in his chair. "I met your dad, Thatcher?" I nodded. "He's a good man. A busy man. He told me he'll be teaching English literature at the university. A pretty good gig."

I nodded, enjoying that our families were already familiar. I felt Derek's hand close over mine under the table. I glanced at him and his eyes were on his father, but his thumb was gliding over mine. "He's happy. My sister isn't, but she's getting better. She just misses her friends."

"She'll make new friends," Carolyn said confidently.

"She already did. She thinks Mark is the best person ever."

Michael rolled his eyes. "Oh that poor child."

Derek and I laughed together. I squeezed his hand. It felt like we had our own language palm to palm. I liked being able to tell him everything just by feeling his hand in mine. "Speaking of that poor child, didn't Lexie want to go to the river with us and Mark?"

I'd wanted to go to the river, which was the main reason why I'd come over. But we were pounced on by his parents, so I hadn't actually gotten the words out. "Yes, she did."

"Want to go now?"

Michael and Carolyn shared a look. Derek rolled his eyes. "Meredith's sister is as good a chaperone as any. Relax." Derek stood and I followed. "We'll just go for a few hours," he said.

"Alright then. Meredith, it was so nice meeting you," Carolyn stood with a grin.

"Thank you, you too. Both of you." I smiled at Michael. He saluted me.

"You better come over again real soon," Michael added. "We like to have a lot of barbecues and you and your family are always welcome."

Derek wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I felt so comfortable in their home. The whole place was warm, loving and inviting. We said our goodbyes again and Derek led me out the backyard. He veered off to call Mark and I ran inside to find Lexie. As soon as I rounded the corner to head upstairs, my dad stepped out of the office. "Meredith," he said and I knew he meant business.

I stopped in my tracks. "Hi Dad."

"Who is that boy?"

I couldn't stop my grin. "Derek Shepherd. You know him. He helped us move in."

"He's older than you."

"Just three years."

"He's in college." For the first time, I realized I did even know where Derek went to school. But I nodded anyway because I did know he was in college. "I want to meet him."

"Can it wait until tomorrow? I'm going to the river with Lexie."

Dad perked up. We'd all noticed Lexie was getting better and each time we went to the river she seemed happier. "That's a great idea. Yes, it can wait. You'll invite him to dinner though." It wasn't a question. I nodded. Dad leaned down and kissed my forehead. "Alright now, be good. And be careful!"

Lexie was more than willing to go to the river with us, especially when she learned Mark would be coming. We both changed into our bathing suits, more confident if the guys were there, and stepped into shorts and tee shirts. I brought a towel this time for the two of us. When we made it outside, Lexie launched herself at Derek and he hugged her in return. I smiled at the two of them. We headed off to the river where Mark would meet us, Lexie yammering on the entire time.

Derek let Lexie go first into the forest and turned just long enough to kiss me. I leaned into him and he hugged me tightly. He turned with a smirk on his face and held my hand so I wouldn't fall. Lexie pulled off her tee shirt and shorts and walked into the water while Derek and I spread out towels and sat down on the edge of the water.

"My parents liked you," Derek said with a grin.

I leaned into him, my shoulder to his chest. "I liked them, too. Where is your dad from?"

"North Carolina. He swears he doesn't have an accent."

"He's a liar then."

Lexie splashed in the cold water. She called for Derek. "Come in. It's nice in here!"

Derek stood up immediately. "Yes ma'am," he laughed and began to tug off his shirt. I watched him with more attention than I should have. He tugged his shirt from the collar, pulling it up and over his head. His back was toned and trim and his stomach was flat. He wasn't ripped or overly muscular, but he looked good to me. He looked down, catching me blatantly checking him out, and gave me a small wink before heading off to the water, running in and splashing Lexie right in the face with the cold water. She cried out and began giggling.

Mark showed up after a little while and dropped down beside me. Derek and Lexie were now lazing down the river, allowing the current to take them away. They were chatting and I had no idea about what. I just liked seeming them interacting. "He likes you, you know," Mark said, which seemed very uncharacteristic.

I glanced at him. "I like him, too."

"He talks about you endlessly. It's really fucking annoying."

I laughed. "Well my sister talks about you endlessly. She has quite the crush."

Mark grinned like a wolf again. "She's a good kid." Mark bounced his shoulder off mine. "Don't worry, when she's eighteen I'll come swooping back into her life and then I'll sweep her off her feet, not a minute before."

"Thank you for your restraint," I laughed and pulled my legs up to my chest.

Mark didn't stay beside me for long. He removed his shirt, too (and I tried not to look hard) and took off running after Derek and Lexie. As soon as Mark arrived, Derek climbed up from the water and walked towards me. He stood over me dripping water on my shoulders. I shivered and pushed at his legs. "Stop it, you're so cold!"

Derek dropped onto the towel next to me and hugged me, making me cry out. He started tickling me and before long I was lying on my back, Derek above me, laughing like my life depended on it. "Stop it, stop it," I laughed and kept pushing at him. His lips pressed to me next, swallowing my cries and halting his hands. He cupped my cheek in his hand and slid his wet fingers through my hair. I touched my tongue to his lips before pressing through. Derek groaned and his hand slid down along my side and hip, wrapping around the back of my thigh.

I turned to him and pressed the length of my body to his. Derek pressed back and clung to me, not allowing me to move even an inch. I held his hair tightly and tipped my head back. He kissed along my neck and shoulders, paying special attention to my collar bones. My eyes fluttered open and I stared up at the beautiful blue sky.

Mark cleared his throat and when I sat up, he had his hand pressed to Lexie's eyes. "My eyes," she said loudly, "they're bleeding." We all burst out laughing.

Later that night, I was sitting in bed looking into Derek's window (he wasn't in there, I was just being a creep) when Lexie knocked on the bathroom door leading into my room. "Can I come in?" she asked.

I set down the book I wasn't reading and pulled back my covers. She crossed the room quickly and climbed in beside me. Lexie still used children's shampoo, so she smelled sweet like strawberries. She giggled as I sniffed her hair. "Get off, Meredith," she said and half-heartedly pushed at me.

"Why are you in here?" I asked as she settled next to me. She curled her hands up under her chin and stared up at me.

Lexie turned to stare at the ceiling. "Are you Derek's girlfriend?"

I looked down at her. Lexie looked so perplexed. "I am. Does that bother you?"

She shook her head. "I like Derek."

"Me too. So what has you so upset?"

"Is Mark too old for me?"

I moved down the bed until we were lying nose to nose. Lexie had our dad's dark hair and her mother's eyes. But our mouths were similar and our ears. I tugged on her ear. "You are now, but you'll be old enough one day."

"But then he'll be really old."

I laughed. "How old is really old to you?"

She shrugged. "Forty?"

"Well when you're old enough, Mark will be nowhere near forty, so he won't be really old."

She still looked sad. "I wish I were your age. Derek is old and he dates you."

"Derek is the same distance in age as you and me."

Lexie nodded, as if she'd done the math. "Do you think I'm pretty?'

I broke into a huge grin. "I think you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."

Lexie blushed and hid her face beneath the covers. "You're pretty too."

I smiled at the pile of blankets. "Thanks munchkin."

"Can I sleep here?"

I tucked myself in beside her. "Of course."

I flipped off the light and even though it was only 10 PM, I was exhausted. Lexie was always like a little furnace; I had to sleep with my legs out just to keep from sweating. Just as I began to relax, my phone buzzed on the nightstand. I kept one eye closed as I read the text: _My parents couldn't stop talking about you at dinner. They're in love with you. Will you come over tomorrow?_ I smiled and my heart raced. I didn't even know how he had my cell phone number since I hadn't given it to him. I glanced down at my sister, now completely asleep and making cute little wheezing noises. She must've slipped it to him. _I'd love to._

A minute later my phone buzzed again. _It's a date. Goodnight, Meredith._

_Goodnight, Derek._


	8. 2014, Derek (4)

**The comments, story follows, and messages coming my way have been very, very sweet - so thank you! Please keep them coming because they make me want to keep writing. **

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><p><strong>2014, Derek<strong>

I don't see Mark for two days and when I do see him, it's in passing. We've both been working nonstop and since he's been on a cardio rotation and I've been stuck on scut, our paths haven't crossed. I've also been staying at the hospital because I want to avoid running into Meredith.

When I do see Mark, he grins at me and heads my way. My anger from the last two days starts to build. He knew about Meredith and he knew about…Caroline. Her name still seems strange to me. I looked it up the other day online and Caroline means: strong, joy, a song of happiness, and a feminine version of manly. Meredith named her to be strong in this world. If we were speaking, I'd thank her for picking a good name for our daughter. _Daughter_.

I nod my head towards the locker room and Mark follows. I'm done for the day and by the looks of his pristine scrubs, he's just starting out. I quickly check the locker room to make sure no one is inside before turning to Mark.

"Hey man," he greets. "I'm dying to know how it went with Meredith." Mark is a horrible gossip.

"How it went," I say slowly. I wring my hands to keep myself from punching a locker, or worse, Mark. "Well, it went as awful as anything ever could've gone." Mark winces. "When did you know?"

He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Look, you have to understand, she told me—"

"—I don't care what she told you. When did you know?"

Mark nods. "April. When I came back here to settle up everything for the house when my parents were on vacation. I was walking into town and I saw Meredith. She was walking with a little girl who, damn, looks just like you man. I knew she was yours. Meredith begged me not to tell you. Trust me, I've felt shitty ever since. I wanted to tell you, I even tried a lot of times, but every time I thought about it, I heard Meredith's pleading voice."

I turn my back on my friend and close my eyes. "You should've told me. A friend would've told me."

"I am your friend, you know that, but I was trying to do right by Meredith. She looked so…sad and happy to see me. I think she was projecting what she'd feel when she saw you again."

"Oh, don't you textbook analyze this situation," I turn quickly. "What happened here is…it's…I can't even figure out a word for the level of betrayal. She had a kid and she never told me! I've been a fucking deadbeat dad for five years without even knowing. Did she tell you she asks about me? Our…daughter. She asks where her dad is and Meredith tells her I had to go away. If I'd known—"

"—you would've stayed?"

"Of course!"

Mark shakes his head. "No offense, but I don't think you would've." I'm two seconds from punching Mark. "Do you even remember what you were like back then?"

"Yes," I practically spit.

"Well if you remember, you know that you wouldn't have stayed here for anything or anyone. You were in love with her. Like seriously, grossly, stupidly in love with her and you left her. A baby, who you didn't even know, wouldn't have made you stay if Meredith couldn't. She did you a favor by not telling you because then you would've _chosen_ to leave, whereas she took away that choice."

"Yes, she did."

Mark nods. "But you don't get it. If she hadn't chosen for you, you would've been the bad guy. You would be the guy everyone talked about across the dinner table, shaking their heads and complaining about the loser who chose to leave his unborn child behind."

I sit down on one of the benches and press my palms against my eyes. "But I am the loser who left my unborn child behind."

"You didn't know," he says. "Meredith may have made some bad decisions, but so did you. You're both going to have to forgive each other for the mistakes, especially if you want any sort of relationship with Caroline. And believe me, you want to know her."

I look up at Mark, not even caring that I have tears in my eyes. "I do?"

Mark grins wide and leans back against one bank of lockers. "You really do. She's so gorgeous and smart. She tells this joke about—"

"—a cow and duck, Meredith told me."

He laughs. "It's hilarious. She's witty and funny and sweet."

"Wait, how many times have you seen her?"

Mark's face falls a bit. "A few." I eye him. "A half dozen or so. Look," he says when he sees my disappointment, "I was friends with Meredith, too. When you left and told us to stop talking to her, I did it out of respect for you, but I won't do it anymore. Meredith works her ass off in school and taking care of Caroline, she has no free time to herself, so I hang out with her and Lexie sometimes. We drink and unwind. Meredith never got to have a normal high school or college experience, so I'm trying to just give her time to be a twenty-two year old."

I scrub my hands over my face. "I'm so angry at her," I admit. "I'm angry that she didn't tell me, but I'm angrier because after everything we did that summer, every time I told her I loved her, she didn't trust me with this." I look up at Mark. "I have a baby and I never got to see her take her first steps. I don't know what her first word was. I missed everything. I'm missing everything and she didn't trust me enough to tell me." I look away when the first tears begin to fall. "I'm hurt," my voice sounds strangled.

The locker room door opens and loud voices fill the room. Mark snaps his fingers. "Out."

"What?" someone asks.

"Get the fuck out."

No one argues, but before Mark turns back to me, I've already stood up and wiped away my tears. "I have to go anyway."

Mark grips my shoulder. "No, they won't come back."

I shake my head and step away from him, feeling ashamed and weak and broken. "I can't be here."

"I'll go back home with you. We'll get drunk, and—"

"—You have to work. Don't worry about me."

Mark nods and takes a step back. "Okay. What are you going to do?"

I shrug and open my locker. "I have no idea." I nod towards the door. "You can let them back in. I'm just going to take a quick shower and get out of here." Before Mark can say anything else, I grab my bag from my locker and head over to the showers. As soon as I start the water, I hear voices in the locker room, but the water washes out the sound.

I take my time, pressing my face beneath the spray and allowing the water to wash away the hurt, confusion, and frustration. I'm frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated with Mark and Meredith and the people who killed my father. We all had a hand in this, especially Meredith and me, and I just wish I could turn back the clock to the day my father died. If I had been home, despite what Meredith says, I could've done something. I could've stopped them. And then I wouldn't be feeling this way. Meredith would've told me she was pregnant, we would've told her parents together, and we would've raised the baby together. My daughter would know me. I wonder if she even knows what I look like.

After a while, I turn off the shower, dry myself, and dress in my street clothes. I head out of the hospital without saying anything to anyone and drive the few minutes back to the house. I pull in, cut the engine, and head inside. I haven't been in my room since I painted the walls and the room still smells like paint. I pull open the windows to air it out and sit down on the bed.

I should call my mom. She should know she has another grandchild.

But I need to meet her first.

I gather myself and stand up, walking down the stairs with confidence. I'll walk over to Meredith's apologize as much as I need to meet Caroline, and get to know my daughter. I can spend the rest of time being hurt and yelling at everyone around me, but that doesn't get me any closer to my daughter. I pull open the front door and standing there, mid-knock, is Meredith. She steps back as I fling the door open and makes this small squeak sound. I would laugh if I weren't so determined.

Meredith drops her hand and stares at me. She looks different from the other day, sadder, or maybe more concerned. I'm sure all of this—me coming back, demanding to meet our daughter, living just a few blocks from her—is hard. It's hard for me. But despite the bags under her eyes and the pull of her mouth, she still looks pretty.

"I was just coming over to your place," I explain and my voice sounds uneven.

Meredith gives me a half-smile. "I needed to talk to you. Can I come in?"

I nod and step back, allowing her into Mark's house. We didn't spend much time under this roof, so I don't feel like I'm going to drown having her so close in here. I walk through the living room to the study in the back of the house. It's a warm, inviting room, and I figure it's the best place to talk, especially with the view overlooking the river.

"Can I get you something to drink?" I ask before sitting down.

Meredith nods. "Water?"

I nod and leave the room. I fill two glasses with water and quickly gulp down half of mine. I refill my glass and stare out the kitchen window. I don't know why it's so hard being around her. Six years ago, being near her was the easiest thing I'd ever experienced. She was inviting and warm, always near me, smiling at me, touching me, but now, there's this giant void between us. I don't know how to act around her.

I take too long, which I'm sure Meredith noticed. When I walk back into the study, she looks up at me, but doesn't say anything. I set the water down in front of her and sit in the chair across from her. Meredith sips her water.

"How's work?" she asks.

"Fine, good," I say and the words stick in my throat. "It's different than I thought it would be. I guess I assumed I'd be watching a lot of surgeries and learning more, but I just do a lot of stitches and put on a lot of Band-Aids."

Meredith laughs softly. "I read my mom's journals a few years ago and she said basically the same thing during her internship. It gets better."

I nod and lean back to cross my one leg over the other, propping my ankle on my knee. "I've heard that. I'm just impatient."

"You always were," she says and there's a familiarity in her voice.

"Look, Meredith, the other day—"

"—That's why I came here," she cut me off. "I came to apologize. I don't know if I can ever really explain what I was feeling at the time, but for the most part, it was abandonment. You were gone and I was hurt. I really did try to tell you, Derek." I meet her eyes and I know she's telling the truth. "I called your cell endlessly and called Mark and Amelia, but I couldn't get through. So eventually, I gave up. I had a daughter to take care of and I couldn't waste any more time or emotions on waiting for you to call me back. Caroline wasn't an easy baby and I was trying to finish school, and in the end, I guess I thought I'd never see you again.

"When I saw Mark back in April, I almost burst into tears. It was like I was seeing you. I just, I lump you two together, and I was shocked to see him. And then he saw Caroline and I knew he knew. It's my fault he didn't tell you. Don't be mad at him."

I shake my head. "I'm not mad at him."

"Good. He's been around some. I don't know if he told you."

"He did. I'm…glad he's been around," I say, but the words burn coming out.

If Meredith sees through me, she doesn't say anything. "I'm ashamed by how I acted the other day. I sprung this on you and I don't know what I expected. I didn't think I'd ever have to tell you about her. I guess I just thought maybe you knew."

"How would I know?" I furrow my brow.

"I have no idea, but I hoped you did."

"If I had known, I never would've left. I know it's my fault that I didn't know. I cut you off. But I want you to know that if you had been able to tell me, I never would've left. I would've stayed with you."

Meredith swallows and looks away. Her eyes glaze over and she takes a shaky breath. "Goddammit this is so hard," she whispers and her face crumbles. I want to cross the space and hold her as she falls apart, but I'm afraid to touch her. I don't know what will happen to me if I do. But she's breaking and I want to make it better. I'm about to stand up when she stands and rushes down the hallway, shutting the bathroom door behind her.

I lean back against the couch and squeeze my eyes shut. Our summer together was spent laughing, only the end involved tears and at that point, I was too wrapped up in my own grief to even comfort her. I wouldn't let her comfort me, so a ditch the size of the Grand Canyon cut between us. I don't know what to do. I stand from my seat and loiter near the hallway. She's crying in the bathroom, but she's trying to be quiet about it. I should just let her leave. We're not ready to talk about this.

Meredith opens the door and despite trying to wipe away the evidence of tears, her face is splotchy and wet. She smiles, but it never reaches her eyes. "I don't know how to say any of this to you without crying."

"Then don't," I say. She stands with her hands laced together in front of her, looking like she might break at any second. "I forgive you."

Her eyes cut to mine.

"Although there's nothing to forgive. You tried and I didn't give you an inch. I could blame you forever, but it was my own stupidity that kept you from telling me. It wasn't your fault." Meredith nods. "I'm sorry for a lot of things. I'm sorry for everything. I loved you so much," my voice breaks and Meredith looks away, "but after my dad died, the grief and regret and responsibility just swallowed me whole and I didn't know how to love you with all of that crushing me. My mom had to leave and I couldn't leave her alone. She loved my dad so much and she was so unstable when he died. I was…I was afraid for her." I stare to Meredith until she meets my eyes. "But I never, ever should have left you like that. I can't begin to apologize for it."

Meredith sighs. "I know. I could see you crumbling, but I was so scared."

I nod. "I also need to apologize for what I said the other day. You and me, what we shared down by the river was never—"

"—Derek, you don't have to apologize—"

I interrupt. "Yes I do. We weren't fucking," my voice is strong. "We never did. What we experienced," I sigh and look away because any time I think of the river, I imagine Meredith beneath me. I can still see her completely naked in my mind. The way she fit against me and the sounds she made when I touched her. "I'm sorry to have made you feel at all like you were responsible. You weren't. I wasn't responsible either," I try to stay strong, but my voice waivers. Meredith stares at me and I want to slink away. It's hard to admit any of it, but this is the hardest. "I know I'm not responsible for his death. I had no way of knowing what was going to happen. If I weren't with you, I probably would've been off with Mark. It was just easier to blame myself than face the fact that everything was out of my control."

Meredith wipes her fingers across her cheek. "I want you to meet her."

I snap my attention to Meredith. "Really?"

She drops her worrying hands. "Yes."

"Does she know I'm back?"

"No," she shakes her head. "But I'm going to tell her when she gets home. She's at tennis practice right now," Meredith explains. "I'd like you to come to dinner."

My heart is hammering in my chest. "Do you think that's a good idea?"

Meredith shakes her head no. "We have a lot to figure out, Derek, but there's one thing that's clear. You have a daughter who you've never met and I'm tired of hiding her from you. She wants to know you and you want to know her. I want you to come to dinner, tonight if you can make it, and spend some time with Caroline."

"I can make it," I say quickly.

"Good. Okay, right. I uh, should go. I have to pick Caroline up and then take her to dance. She's a ballerina, although I think this will be her last year. She doesn't really like it. She can be so fussy sometimes." I find myself grinning as Meredith rambles. "You should see her dance, though. It's very cute because she's so terrible. She has no rhythm. I think she gets that from you." Meredith's cheeks flush and I feel like I'm 19 again. "I have to go."

I nod, but I can't seem to wipe the smile from my face. "What time should I come over?"

"Oh," she's still blushing. "Is six too early?"

I want to tell her it's not early enough. I want to meet Caroline so badly, I think waiting until six will be the end of me. But I don't say any of that. "Six is perfect. I'll bring dessert."

Meredith offers me a slight wave, barely lifting her hand before she's running out the door. Actually running. I walk through the hallway and pause at the door to watch her. She's talking to herself, mumbling under her breath as she walks down the street. She runs her hand through her hair, but pauses for a second to look back up at Mark's house. I watch her smile slightly and then turn onto Canyon Circle. Before long, I can't see her behind the trees and houses, but she's left her lavender scent behind to cling to the walls, the furniture, and my skin.


	9. 2008, Meredith (5)

**Oh boy, what a response from the last chapter! Most of you were very sweet and kind with your reviews, even if you don't agree with what Derek did and what he's feeling. For those of you who wrote angry reviews, I'm happy to see you so fired up about fan fiction (that seems like a funny sentence to type!), but I do have a plan and just because Derek has certain angry feelings towards Meredith, that doesn't mean he's right. In fact, a very common narrator in fiction is the unreliable narrator. Please keep that in mind. Furthermore, berating messages aren't very helpful. I'd love to hear constructive criticism, but being negative and snarky isn't helpful for me.**

**I'm sorry for the long AN and apologize to anyone who just wants to read some fiction. Without further adieu...**

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><p><strong>2008, Meredith<strong>

Dad invited Derek to dinner a few days later, which Derek said yes to. He didn't seem nervous, but I was. I didn't know how to be around Derek without touching him or kissing him, and I knew my dad wouldn't be okay with how fast we were moving. Derek and I hadn't done anything but kissing, but I knew that wasn't going to last long. I didn't want kissing _only_ to last long. I blushed any time I thought about it, but I really wanted Derek to be my first.

But I couldn't think about things like that when I had to sit at a table with my dad, stepmom, and sister, oh, and Derek.

It was 7 PM when the doorbell rang. I rushed to get it, but Dad made it before I did. He grinned at me with his hand on the door handle. Derek wasn't even ready for the third degree my dad was going to hit him with. Dad opened the door and I peeked at Derek, who dressed up in a button-down shirt and a black belt that matched his shiny black shoes. I smiled at him and he returned the grin with a wink before holding his hand out to my father. "Good to see you again, Mr. Grey."

Dad reluctantly took Derek's hand. "You're right on time."

Derek handed Dad a brown box. Dad lifted the lid to reveal rows of cigars. "I saw you smoking one the other evening. My dad says these are some of the best."

Dad smelled the cigar, giving Derek a moment to look at me. His eyes slid down my body slowly, taking me in. I was wearing a yellow dress and I realized it was the first time he'd see me in a dress. I stood a little taller and held my full skirt out to the side, giving him a little curtsy. "These are fine cigars," Dad confirmed and Derek looked proud of himself. "Come on in."

If Derek expected my dad to give us a minute to greet one another, he was wrong. Dad waited until Derek was standing in front of him and basically corralled him down the hall and through the kitchen. I walked behind the two of them, trying not to laugh too hard.

Susan had gone above and beyond with dinner. She cooked lamb chops with a mint glaze, sweet potatoes, and a healthy pot of summer squash. She was just pulling the lamb from the oven when we walked into the room. Lexie was setting the table outside, one of the nicer things she'd done lately. "Derek," Susan grinned and pulled Derek into a friendly hug, "I'm so glad you're here. Meredith tells me you eat lamb?" Susan had been fretting for two days about the lamb.

"Yes Mrs. Grey, I do."

"Oh no, call me Susan," she waved her hand. "What can I get you to drink, Derek?" Dad was circling us like a hawk. Susan noticed. "Thatch, can you grab some sodas from the garage refrigerator?"

Derek opened his mouth, probably to tell them not to bother, but I quickly grabbed his fingers. Susan was giving us a moment to breathe.

Dad didn't look happy and he pointedly stared at Derek and me as he walked past. As soon as the garage door shut, Susan said, "Why don't you give Derek a tour?" as if our houses weren't set up exactly the same.

I loosened my hold on Derek's fingers so I was just holding them lightly and smiled thankfully at Susan while we walked out of the kitchen. I headed to the furthest reaches of the house first, the living room, which was dim, save for a single lamp in the front window.

"Your dad is intense," Derek said with a laugh.

"I don't want to talk about my dad," I said right before I kissed him.

Derek swept me up into his arms and crushed me against him, kissing me deeply. I don't think I would ever grow tired of his mouth on mine or his hands wrapped around my waist. He moved his mouth over my jaw and down to my neck, which made me gasp and clutch his dark blue shirt between my fingers. Derek's hands slid up my sides and along my ribs. I met his eyes as he pulled back just enough to look down at me. His thumbs were right beneath my bra, touching my underwire. I slowly nodded my head and his hands moved up to my breasts.

His mouth fell onto mine again while he cupped me, massaging me through the thin dress and my thick bra. The feeling was intense. I held onto his forearms, feeling his muscles move beneath his skin while he touched me. "Derek," I whispered between kisses.

He pulled away a moment later, dropping his hands and stepping away from me. He must've had great dad radar, because he asked, "Is this your old house?" about the painting on the wall right as Dad walked into the room and turned on the light. I'm sure I looked like a mess, but Dad only said, "Dinner," before leaving us alone.

Derek smirked at me and reached for my hand, which I gladly gave him. We walked outside and Lexie lit up as soon as she saw Derek. She hugged him and he gladly returned the hug. Lexie sat next to Derek on one side of the table (probably suggested by my dad) and I was on the other side with Susan and Dad at the heads of table. Susan plated food for all of us and we dug in.

Dad lasted exactly one minute and three seconds before he started grilling Derek. "You mentioned when you helped us move that you're a pre-med student."

"Yes, I am. I go to school in San Francisco."

"That's close," Susan said.

Derek nodded. "I like to be close to my family." His eyes flitted over mine.

"What kind of doctor would you like to be?"

"A surgeon," he said confidently. "I'm not sure which specialty, but I was thinking either cardio or neuro."

Dad took a sip of wine. I watched him to see if he'd say anything about my mother, but he continued with the questions. "I met your father the other day. He says you have four sisters?"

Derek ran through the names and ages. "Everyone is actually gone right now. My older sisters all live away and my little sister, Amelia, left for summer camp earlier this week. She'll be back next week so it's just me and my parents right now."

"You're lucky," Lexie said. "I wish I had four sisters."

"Thanks Lex," I wrinkled my nose at her.

Lexie rolled her eyes. "I'll keep you, but I want three more."

"Lexie, you would hate having three sisters," Susan said.

"Nuh-uh."

Derek leaned close to Lexie and bumped his shoulder to hers. "No, you would. I'm lucky because I'm a guy, but sisters steal everything. Only, they call it borrowing. If you had a pair of shorts you like, one of your sisters will steal them. Your hairbrushes will be full of their hair. All your nail polish will be left half open when they borrow it, so it'll dry out. Does Meredith do any of those things to you?" Lexie shook her head. "See, stick with her. She's a good sister."

I was probably glowing and making goofy faces across the table at Derek, but in that exact moment, I felt _it_. I didn't know what _it_ was, but _it_ was screaming through my body.

Dad continued to ask Derek 1,000 questions, including, but not limited to, if he liked sports ("I used to play baseball in high school."), where did he plan to live one day ("Probably around here. I love it here."), and his intentions with me ("I plan on being a good boyfriend to her and make sure she's always home by curfew.") I was sure Derek had won my dad over.

After dinner, Derek insisted on helping Susan wash the dishes while Lexie dried and put them away. I stood outside with Dad, cleaning up the table and sliding the chairs into place. "Will you take a quick walk with me?" Dad asked. I glanced back at the window and Derek seemed to be having a good time, so I nodded. Dad and I walked slowly down towards the river. My heart was racing. "I like him," Dad said.

"That makes me happy," I admitted.

"I'm glad. I'm glad my opinion matters to you, Meredith." He stopped walking but continued to stare ahead. "I expect you to be careful with him." His eyes met mine. "I mean in _all_ ways." I knew what he meant and it made me blush. "I'm not stupid and I'm not blind. I can tell the two of you are close and I'd be a moron if I thought nothing would happen, but I'm asking you to be safe."

I touched my dad's shoulder. "You don't have to worry about it, Dad. It isn't like that."

Dad nodded and covered my hand with his. "I believe you believe that, but time changes situations. I just want you to remember to be safe."

"I will be." I don't say anything more about the warning, because I really would never be able to face my father again if I started having the sex talk with him. Susan gave me the talk years ago and that was mortifying enough.

Dad leaned down and kissed my cheek. "He wore a pressed shirt."

I laughed. "He was trying to impress you."

"Well, it worked," he grumbled and I could tell he wanted me to believe he wasn't happy about it. "I'm going to head inside now, should I send Derek out here after you?"

"Yes please."

"Stay close and be back by ten."

I grinned up at my dad. "I will."

Derek walked down the lawn towards me with a cute grin on his face. I stepped out of my shoes as he approached. I knew Dad was watching, so I gave him a quick kiss and stepped back. Derek leaned down to take off his shoes and socks, and rolled his hand legs up. He took my hand and we headed into the forest, stepping across the dry pine needles and smooth rocks on the way to the water. Derek stepped down and took my hands, leading me into the water slowly. It wasn't yet dark out, so I could see him fine, but the hidden slippery rocks and quick tide were still unfamiliar.

We walked up the other side of the river quietly and Derek sank down onto the ground. He pulled me down to his beside him and we both leaned back onto our backs, staring up at the sky. Derek wrapped his arm around my shoulder and brought me closer to him. I sighed happily and entangled my feet with his. He slowly drew shapes on my shoulder with his finger. My eyes fluttered closed.

Derek's mouth pressed to my forehead and slid down over my nose. I laughed softly before his mouth pressed to mine. We made out among the leaves. He leaned over me as we kissed, his left knee pressing to the ground between both of mine. I tangled my fingers in his hair and gasped every time his tongue touched my neck. His hands slid along my breasts again. He squeezed me harder this time and I made a deep groan sound I never expected I could make.

His lips trailed along my skin, over my sternum and to the top of my breasts. I cupped his ears, watching his eyes meet mine while he explored me. I reached forward and plucked at the buttons on his shirt. I wanted to touch him the way he was touching me. Derek sat up enough so he could watch as I unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it from his pants. "You're so beautiful," he whispered and my heart fluttered in my chest. I gripped him by the back of the neck and pulled him back down on top of me. His skin was warm against mine.

Derek's hand slid up to the strap of my dress and he fingered it slowly. I nodded and he very slowly pulled one strap down my arm and then the other and tugged my dress down, down, down until it pooled around my belly button. His fingers skimmed over the exposed part of my tummy and then over my white bra. He laid down again until our mouths were pressed together.

We made out like that for a long time until my phone interrupted us. It was almost ten. Derek sat up and stared down at me. I probably looked like a wreck, lying half dressed, my skin bright red, and my lips puffy. But he didn't look at me like I was a wreck. He just stared at me for so long, like he was trying to imprint this moment in his memory. I shivered from his stare, which he took as me being cold. He reached for my hand and pulled me to sit up and into his arms. He just hugged me and it felt incredible.

We fixed ourselves. I pulled my dress back up and Derek picked pine needles from my hair. I rebuttoned his shirt while I stood before him, finding that moment to be almost more intimate than when I took it off. He kept kissing me and I kept kissing him back. We walked back through the water hand-in-hand and back through the forest. The porch light was on and I could see the light from Dad's study flooding the side yard. Derek walked me to the porch steps and cupped both of my cheeks. "I had a really good time."

I held both of his wrists. "Me too."

He dropped a kiss to my lips. "Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," I agreed.

I walked up the stairs and dropped Derek's hand when he was officially too far away. I turned to face him as I shut the door and locked it behind me. He was smiling at me and I knew I never wanted to see anyone else but him smile for me for the rest of my life.

Dad didn't bother me as I tiptoed past his office; he probably didn't want to see the state I was in. My parents' bedroom door was closed, so was Lexie's, so I went into my room and shut the door behind me. The bathroom door was open and I crossed from my room to Lexie's. She was passed out in her bed with the light still on. I turned the light off and dropped a kiss to her forehead. I shut her bathroom door and left mine ajar incase she wanted to come into my room in the middle of the night.

I changed quickly from my dress into a pair of black shorts and a white tank top. I could smell Derek's skin on mine and I decided I wouldn't shower tomorrow. I pulled back my curtains so I could see the moon, but I found Derek sitting along his window sill, staring across the way into my room. I flushed and sat down. My phone buzzed. _You're too far away._

_I know._

_I like kissing you._

My cheeks flushed. I looked up at him and he was grinning. _I like you kissing me. And touching me._

I could feel Derek's smile, but I didn't dare look up. _I like touching you, too. I like everything I experience with you. _

_You should know, I've never…before._ I wouldn't be able to bring it up in person.

_That's okay. We don't have to. I hope you don't think I'm pushing you for it._

_Not at all. I don't feel that way. But I want to. With you. Eventually and I just didn't want you to think I was like crazy inexperienced and lame, even though I am._

_You even ramble in texts. It's adorable._ Another one came through. _You're not lame or crazy for not doing it before. You have to wait until you meet someone you want to with._

_I did wait. For you._

_I like you so much._

_I like you, too._

_Do you want to go on an adventure with me tomorrow?_

_I'd like nothing else more than that._

_Goodnight, Meredith._

_Goodnight, Derek._

I stared at him then, resting my chin on my folded hands. He stared right back at me. He was grinning like a goof and I really wanted to kiss is smiling lips. I wanted to do more, but I knew I wasn't ready yet. My body was ready, more than ready, but my dad's words were in my head. I trusted Derek, but I didn't know him all that well so I had to be careful. I already knew that if he ended everything now, I would be heartbroken, let alone if he ended everything after we had sex.

Derek's door eventually opened and I saw his dad come in. He winked at me across the way and Michael waved at me. I felt my cheeks flush and I pulled my curtains shut as Derek headed off with his dad. I heard them outside a little later on, Derek laughing somewhere in the distance. I fell asleep to the sound of his laugh.


	10. 2014, Derek (5)

**I've received some really, very nice reviews and some great messages after the last chapter and I really appreciate them! I'm too excited for the next part, so I'm posting today. **

**Happy weekend! **

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><p><strong>2014, Derek<strong>

I pace for about 15 million hours after Meredith leaves. I don't even know what to do, so I pace and pace and pace and pace, until I realize I have to pick up dessert somewhere. I climb into my truck and force myself not to drive past Meredith's house in case she's home with Caroline. I don't want the first time I see my daughter to be in passing.

Luckily, unlike the movie theater, and tire place, and diner, Hailey's Cakes is still open and going strong. Hailey's us just a few doors down from my father's store front, but I park as far away as possible. I walk into the shop and everything smells of sugar. It's mouthwatering.

"Hi there," a young woman asks behind the counter. "What can I get you?"

She's wearing the same hat Lizzie used to wear when she worked here back in high school. It makes me smile. "I need dessert for dinner tonight." The girl turns to one of the cases which has cupcakes and cookies and brownies and other confections. She points out the cupcakes, specifically the black and white ones, which I remember Meredith loving. "I'll take six black and white cupcakes."

When I get back home, I have almost three hours before I'm supposed to show up. I think about calling my mom, since I haven't spoken to her since I moved back home, but too much is up in the air. I know she'd hear the concern in my voice and she'd pry. She'd know I was anxious just by hearing me and until I meet Caroline, I can't speak to her. Instead, I clean Mark's filthy house.

For the past few months, it seems like Mark hasn't done any sort of housekeeping. I'm not a stickler, but I do like to keep things pretty neat. I'm not touching his room, but the kitchen and living room are littered with takeout boxes, old newspapers, cans, wrappers, mail, and other junk. I work on the living room first, pushing anything that doesn't look important into a big black bag. Afterwards, I dust and vacuum and even open up some windows to air the place out. It hasn't gotten hot yet, but once it does we'll be living on air conditioning. I move to the kitchen next, which needs an incredible scrub. I spend an hour around the sink alone, washing pots and pans, cleaning countertops, and cursing my best friend for being a slob.

By 5:15, I'm sweaty and gross, so I head upstairs to shower. I try not to think about Meredith, especially when I'm naked, but it's more difficult than I thought. I dress in a white button-up and a pair of jeans. I grab the cupcakes at 10 to six and begin walking. I need to walk, because if I drive, I probably would crash the car.

Meredith's house is an ominous sight in the distance. I'm so incredible nervous. I swallow thickly and wet my lips. I promise myself I won't throw up. I walk down the yard and for the first time, I notice the toys in the backyard. A little girl's pink bike and helmet, a plastic slide, baskets full of Barbies and stuffed animals. The play area I loved as a child has buckets and pails. I wonder if Meredith takes Caroline to play there.

I reach the front door and I hear voices inside. Meredith and Lexie sound similar, so I can't tell who it is. But then I hear a little girl's voice—high-pitched and excited. She's chatting loudly and everything inside me shifts. The world is knocked out from under me because even though I've never seen her or spoken to her before, I know my daughter's voice. I close my eyes and listen, not even trying to find the words she's saying. She must be jumping or something because she's winded. She laughs and my heart crashes against my ribs.

I never, ever thought another girl's voice could get to me like Meredith's, but listening to her has me practically crying. I'm now officially late, but I can't move. Her voice quiets and a door shuts. I'm breathless and emotional. I take a deep breath and push the worry aside. I can't wait another moment.

I knock on the door and take a step back. I wonder if she'll hug me or is she too shy? Maybe she'll wave from afar. Or maybe she'll hide behind her mother's legs. I don't even wish for anything because if it doesn't happen, I'll be severely disappointed. The door opens and Meredith stands on the other side. I look past her, but she's alone. "Hi Derek," she greets and she looks better than she did earlier. Her hair is down over her shoulders and she's wearing a blue dress that looks beautiful on her. My heart is drumming for a completely different reason.

"Hi Meredith." Five days ago, I never would've imagined I'd be talking to Meredith as I stood on her porch. I hold the box out to her. She opens the lid and smiles slowly. "I remember you liked them."

"I do." She holds the box close to her. "Caroline and Lexie are in the backyard. She knows you're coming over and she knows who you are."

I nod and fist my hands. "Is she, I mean, is she excited or nervous or…"

Meredith smiles. "She's excited. She told all the kids today during dance class that her daddy is coming over." I can feel myself smile big and wide, so unlike the half-smiles I've been sporting for years. "She might be shy, though. Don't be surprised if it takes her a little bit. She talks a big show, but she's quiet around strangers."

I try not to let the word strangers hurt me too bad. "I don't expect anything of her," I admit. "She's young and she doesn't know me. I just want to know her."

"Come on then."

I reach out to stop Meredith, placing my hand on her shoulder for just one second before dropping it. "Meredith, before I meet Caroline, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. The last few days have been...eye opening and strange and hard for me, but I know none of that compares to your life these last five years. I've been angry, and I've directed that anger to you, to Mark, but neither of you deserve it. Everything that happened, leaving, not talking to you, asking my family and friends not to talk to you," I sigh and look away. "I was stupid and horrible and I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I do want you to know how very sorry I am. If I could change the past and my actions, I would."

"I know that," she says. "And what you did was horrible, but I'm okay. I have Caroline and you'll see that she makes things...better."

I'm not sure I'm done apologizing, but Meredith turns to walk towards the back of the house and I follow.

We walk through the house and everything is familiar except for the signs of a child: toys here and there, a blanket with stars on it over the back of the couch, children's cereal on the countertop in the kitchen. Meredith sets the cupcakes down and glances at me. Caroline screeches in the backyard. I walk around Meredith because I want to see her. Meredith steps to the side and lets me go. I walk up to the back door and standing beside Lexie, with her hands up in the air as she twirls, is a little girl who looks so much like Meredith.

Caroline stops twirling and stares at Lexie. She says something, but I can't hear it. Caroline has Meredith's golden hair and it falls almost halfway down her back. I'm too far away to see her eyes, but Meredith said they're like mine. But her smile, oh I can see her smile. She shows all her pearly white teeth as she grins, laughing again and jumping up to grab something in Lexie's hand. Caroline's smile is extraordinary. Light shines from her. She is the sun.

She's dressed in black leggings beneath a poofy purple skirt and a white tee shirt with some kind of character on it. Each time she jumps, or twirls, or moves, her skirt shuffles from side to side. Her skin is like Meredith's, fair and freckled. Her hands are so small, but her fingers are long like mine. I can see her nails are painted yellow. She runs her fingers through her hair and begins to run. She runs and runs, her feet barely touching the ground. She flies. Lexie catches her, wrestling her in her arms.

I don't choke down the cry fast enough and the noise ricochets through the kitchen. Meredith comes up to stand next to me. Her eyes are on my face.

"She looks like you," I manage.

Meredith smiles. "And you."

"We made her?" I ask.

She reaches out and touches my arm and I swear to god my life slides out from under me. I can see everything like I'm watching a movie: the first kiss beneath the stars, the first time I told her I loved her, the first time we made love on the bank of our river, all the laughter, all the late night texts, all the family picnics, all the adventures we took with Mark and Lexie, all the times we laid beneath the sun and pledged our lives to one another. And from all that comes the most perfect child to have even existed. Meredith touches me and the world open its jaws and swallows me whole.

Meredith's fingers tighten on my arm. I wonder if she feels it. "We did," she confirms. "Are you ready to meet her?"

I nod, but I can feel my own restraint. Meredith walks out first. Lexie stares up at the back door, waiting for me, and her face falls. Meredith says something and she brightens. I watch Meredith lean down to pick Caroline up, holding the little girl in her arms. She says something and Caroline's eyes stare at the back door. Meredith looks up.

I step outside and three Grey women stare at me. They all look alike. Lexie crosses the yard. "I know its not about me today, but I'm happy you're back," she says and pulls me into a hug. I squeeze Lexie before stepping back. "Caroline is excited."

"I'm nervous," I admit.

Lexie smiles. "So is she." But I know she's not talking about Caroline.

Lexie steps aside and I walk slowly towards Meredith and Caroline. As I get closer, I focus on her eyes, which are brilliant blue and look like a mirror to me. The breath in my lungs leaks out with a gasp, but I keep walking. As I step before them, I don't know what to do. I want to hug them both. I want to cry. I want to scream. Caroline reaches out, though, with her little hand, before I can do anything else, and touches my hand. I look at Meredith for a moment and her mouth is open. "Hi," Caroline says and her voice is more perfect than I could ever imagine.

"Hi," I whisper back.

"Do you like tennis?" she asks.

I laugh and I know I'm crying, but I can't stop either emotion. "I do, but I'm not very good."

"I could teach you," she offers.

I nod slowly. "I'd like that."

Caroline wiggles in her mom's arms. "Mama, let me down. I want to teach him to play tennis with me." Meredith sets Caroline down in the grass and she takes my hand. "Come on!" she runs forward and I run after her, headed towards the driveway. When I look back, Meredith's back is to me, but I can see she's shivering. Lexie is smiling, holding her sister.

When Caroline and I reach the driveway, she hands me a pink tennis racket which is made for children. "You have to be closer to the street because Grandpa won't let me go out there."

"Your Grandpa is right."

I can't even think. I can't process anything that is happening. She's so young, but so mature. She grabs the other racket and two tennis balls. She bounces one of the balls and steps to the other side of the net. Lexie and Meredith round the house and stand watching us, watching her. She bounces the ball again. "I'll go first," Caroline announces and throws the ball into the air before hitting it my way. I hit it back, but it barely clears the one-foot-tall children's net. "You gotta hit stronger and higher." She shows me with her racket. "Like that."

"Okay," I nod.

Caroline hits another ball my way and I hit it back. It lands a foot in front of her with a decent bounce. "That's good. Let's try another."

"Caroline?" Meredith asks and walks across the driveway. She drops before our daughter and brushes her blond hair from her face. "Do you remember what we talked about? Who he is?" Meredith looks at me.

Caroline nods, "He's my dad," she says as if the words don't hold the weight of the world on them.

"That's right. He's never met you. Can you stand still for a second so he can meet you properly?"

"Okay Mama."

Meredith stands and nods me over. I walk around the tennis net and stop right beside Meredith. Caroline looks up at me. I drop to my knees in front of her, eye level. Her eyes are so wide with curiosity. She reaches out and touches my nose. "Crooked," she says.

I smile and laugh. "I broke it. I fell from a tree."

"Mama won't let me climb trees."

"Your mama is a smart woman."

Caroline's eyes glide all across my face. "What's your favorite color?"

I swallow, still not able to believe she's mine. "Blue. Indigo blue."

"What's indigo blue?" she asks.

I look around and try to find something that's indigo. The sky is too bright and the sand pail next to the steps is too dark. "Oh, I know," I say and reach into my wallet. I pull out the picture of me and my dad when I was 15. I hold the picture out to Caroline. "My shirt is indigo blue."

Caroline wraps her hands around the picture and takes it from me. "Who is he?"

"My dad," I say softly.

"Is he here, too?"

I shake my head slowly and offer her a small smile. "No, he's not here anymore."

Caroline keeps the photo in her hands. "Can I have it?"

"Of course."

"Can we play tennis now?" her eyes are on her mother.

"Sure baby," she whispers.

I stand up and watch Caroline take the photo and hand it to Meredith, who slips it into her pocket. I go back to my side and watch Caroline set up again. She acts so seriously with the racket in her hands. She hits the ball with a child's gait, but it lofts high. I hit it back. We practice again and again. She gives me instructions, but doesn't say much else. She yells for "Aunt Lex" to grab the ball when it heads the wrong way and tells Meredith again and again to watch. "Mama, watch this one!" Meredith watches. Meredith never takes her eyes away from our daughter and me.

After we play for a half hour or so, Meredith tells Caroline to head inside for dinner. Lexie follows and Meredith and I stand on the driveway. I stare at the house even though I feel Meredith's eyes on me. She walks around the tennis net until she's right in front of me.

"I don't even know what to say."

I shake my head. "Me neither. I didn't think she'd even talk to me."

"She's chatty, which she gets from you."

I laugh. "She's amazing."

"I know." Meredith nods towards the house. "Come on, let's go eat."

Meredith, Lexie, Caroline, and I sit on the back deck and eat cheeseburgers. Caroline is too busy talking to eat and Meredith has to remind her again and again. Caroline talks about tennis a lot and trips her and Aunt Lex took to the grocery store to buy dinner. Caroline asks me questions: "Do you like pork chops?" (Caroline doesn't, I do.); "Do you know how to whistle?" (I do and Caroline tries but she mostly spits across the table.); "Can you juggle?" (I show her and she claps.) After dinner, Lexie and Meredith clean up while Caroline takes my hand in hers and drags me upstairs.

My mind flashes back to the summer before when Meredith and I would sneak up to her bedroom. Meredith was always laughing, always happy. Caroline blinks at me as I dawdle behind and pulls harder. "Come on!" Caroline's room is where Lexie's used to be. Her walls are painted a pale yellow and she has a big white bed in the middle of the room. Her toys are everywhere and I step on more than one Barbie as I make my way across the room. Caroline sits me down at her art table and hands me paper and some Crayons. She sits across from me and very quietly begins to color.

"I hear you like green," I say.

"Shh," Caroline brings her finger to her lips. "Coloring time is quiet time."

I watch her as she leans over her paper and begins to draw something large and purple which looks like a big blueberry. Her nose is practically pressed to the paper. She takes out a brown Crayon and colors vigorously. A floorboard in the hallway squeaks and Meredith leans against the door frame. I stare at her and she doesn't turn away. Caroline hums as she colors and the song is familiar. She smiles, too.

A little timer goes off and Caroline sets down her Crayon.

"Bedtime, baby," Meredith says quietly. "Go brush your teeth."

Caroline stands and slides the picture across the table. "It's you," she says and I see it. She's tried to put me in an indigo shirt. My hair is a messy flop of dark brown and my eyes are blue. She says nothing more and walks into the bathroom where the water begins running. I pick up the picture and place it into my lap.

Meredith walks in and busies herself with putting the Crayons away. "If you wanted that picture back—"

"She can have it."

"Okay." Meredith turns to look at me. I can't tell what she's feeling. For the first time ever, her eyes are too stormy to read. Everything about today paints her face. She looks relieved, but also terrified. I know that because I feel the same way.

Caroline comes back into the room with a bang, now wearing pajama pants with horses on it and a big tee shirt that I recognize as Lexie's. "_The Little House_," she says and climbs up into her bed.

"Okay sweetie, I'll—"

"No, you," she says and her eyes are on me.

I glance at Meredith and she nods. She pulls the book from the top of the pile. Meredith sits down on the edge of the bed while I sit beside Caroline. She scooches closer to see the pictures. I open the book and she holds the left side with her hand. Her nail polish is chipped. "_Once upon a time there was a Little House out in the country,_" I begin. I read the entire story to Caroline and Meredith. I learn to flip the pages only when Caroline lets me. She likes to add stories about minor characters, like the sad horse, the bad train car, and the mean lady. She tells me very seriously about the city and the hills. She names the flowers. It takes forever to make it through even one page, but I don't care.

When we finish, Meredith walks to the other side of the bed, sits down and pets Caroline's hair. "Go to sleep now, love." She leans down and kisses Caroline's forehead. Meredith's eyes flutter closed.

I stand up and put the book back on the pile. I step back, allowing Meredith to reach for the light, but Caroline's voice stops her. "I need another kiss."

Meredith laughs quietly and walks towards the bed. "No. From Daddy."

Everything floods from me. Meredith's eyes cut to mine and I see it again—the fear, the excitement, the reservation. I know Meredith and I know she's afraid I'll leave again. But everything is so different now. I cross the room and reach down to touch Caroline's cheek. She's soft. When I lean in to kiss her forehead, she smells like honey and toothpaste. I kiss her and my eyes flutter closed.

I step away and make it to the door before Meredith turns off the light. "Sweet dreams, baby," she whispers and pulls the door practically shut.

Meredith faces me in the hallway. I don't even know what to say, so I say nothing. Meredith takes a deep breath. "Do you want a drink? I think my dad has some scotch and I need a drink."

I nod faster than I expected. "Yes, a drink would be good."

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><p><strong>The first line of "The Little House" belongs to Virginia Lee Burton from her 1942 book. <strong>


	11. 2008, Meredith (6)

**I'm very pleased and thankful for the last chapter's reviews. You were all very, very sweet! I'm late on replying to some of your wonderful messages, but I'm getting to them now.**

**This next update is a bit more M-ish, but not really. I'm just warning you.**

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><p><strong>2008, Meredith<strong>

Lexie woke me up the next morning by jumping on the end of my bed and shouting "get up, get up, get up!" Since she turned 10 or 11, Lexie had been the last one to wake up every morning. On Christmas morning, when she knew there were piles of presents waiting for her downstairs, she'd burrow beneath the blankets, call me a jerk, and go back to sleep. Lexie never, ever got up early anymore, so when she was jumping on my bed, I should've known something was up.

"Alexandra Caroline Grey, I will murder you in your sleep," I groaned and rolled over.

"No you won't," she teased and bounced next to me. "You have to get up."

I fisted the blanket in my hand. "Why?" my voice was whiney.

"Because Mark and Derek are here to take us on an adventure!"

I shot up in bed and faced my sister. "You should've led with that!" I pushed her from my bed and stood up. "What are they doing?"

Lexie shrugged. She was wearing shorts and her hair was tied up. She looked like she'd been awake for hours. "Daddy's talking to them. He asked to see Mark's driver's license," she giggled.

I rushed into the bathroom and almost turned the light off. My hair was a tangled mess, my face had pillow wrinkles on it, and I had a fresh pimple on my cheek. "What are we doing?" I asked and quickly washed my face, brushed my teeth, and started in on my stupid messy hair.

"I don't know. All Mark said was we have to dress comfortably and wear sneakers. Derek is wearing Converses and he looks like a dork."

I laughed and smiled goofily thinking of Derek. I had imagined our adventure would've been just the two of us, but I liked that he involved Lexie. Plus, Mark would certainly keep Lexie busy since she followed him around like a puppy. I headed back into my room and shooed Lexie out, telling her to tell the boys I needed five minutes. I found a clean-ish pair of shorts on the floor and pulled them on. I chose a lavender tee shirt and my most comfortable sneakers. I stared at myself for much too long in the mirror, practically twirling. _Stop being such a girl_, I chided myself.

Everyone was outside when I walked downstairs except for Susan. She was in the kitchen putting beautiful yellow flowers into a vase. She caught my eye and grinned. "Derek brought me these." I walked into the the kitchen to smell them. "He's very sweet," Susan said.

I nodded. "He's nice. And funny. And he likes me."

Susan reached out and touched my cheek. "I'm sure your father already gave you a speech, so I won't, but if you need anything, or have any questions at any point, let me know."

"Okay." My body flooded with appreciation.

"Run along now because I'm sure that boy is anxious to see you."

Mark, Lexie, Derek, and Dad were standing on my driveway when I walked outside. It was blistering hot out and I wished I had put my hair up. Dad and Mark's backs were to me, but Derek's wasn't. He met my eyes and grinned so wide it made everyone else roll their eyes. Mark made a gagging noise and I saw my dad laugh a little. Derek stepped around everyone else and held his hand out to me, which I took.

I didn't really care that my father was probably glaring at us, but even so I didn't kiss Derek. I wanted to kiss him, but I held back, at least until we got into the car. Derek just swept his fingers through my hair. "I hope you don't mind our adventure includes Mark and Lexie."

"Not at all. I like that you include her."

Derek grinned. "I like her, but not how I like you," he teased.

"I should hope not."

"Okay, okay," Dad grumbled, "enough with the whispering. Get a move on before I change my mind about letting you two go."

Derek and I joined the group again, but didn't drop each other's hands. Dad hugged Lexie goodbye and I moved away from Derek to hug my dad, too. He whispered for me to watch out for my sister and I nodded. Dad could be so dramatic sometimes. Lexie and I climbed into the back of Mark's Jeep and Derek slid into the passenger seat. He glanced at me over his shoulder and smiled, which made me blush.

Mark drove away from the house with a beep of his horn and headed towards the highway. "Where are we going?" I asked over the roar of the wind from the open windows. Mark just shook his head.

We drove for about 15 minutes and then headed off the highway. Lexie was staring out the window, but I was too busy watching Derek's hair blow in the wind. I felt like a weirdo until he turned to me and stared right back at me. I wanted to kiss him so badly.

Mark pulled off the road and into an abandoned-looking parking lot. There was a big park sign and hiking routes mapped out around a huge lake. We'd driven towards the mountains and the air was noticeably cooler. "I hope you two like hiking."

We both nodded.

Mark jumped from the Jeep and opened the back door, pulling out two backpacks. Lexie followed him quickly, slamming her door behind her. "We have tons of food," Mark began as he opened one of the backpacks to show Lexie, but I effectively stopped listening. I undid my seatbelt and wedged myself between the front two seats so I was resting against the center console. Derek turned to me and his hands slid along my hair. I kissed him. He kissed me back.

The backdoor slammed shut and I wrapped my arms around Derek's neck, pressing my chest to his. He gripped my hips and slid his one hand beneath the back of my shirt. I loved every single moment.

"Come on!" Lexie shouted and I pulled away.

"Let's go hike," Derek said and we both exited the Jeep.

Mark and Derek wore the backpacks which had a picnic lunch packed away (made lovingly by Derek's mom), some maps, a compass, tons of water, extra socks in case we got our shoes and socks wet, some rain gear, and flashlights. I teased Mark about being overly prepared. He replied, "We got lost out here once. Can never be too prepared."

"Great, so we're going to get lost?" Lexie asked and she sounded anxious.

Derek laughed and punched Mark in the arm. "Don't be a dick. Oops, sorry, Lex." He grinned at her. She probably said worse to her friends. "We never got lost. We stepped off the path for ten minutes once and it took us fifteen to find it again."

"Well, we could've been lost."

The four of us started along the path that wove a huge circle around the lake in the middle. The trail was over six miles long, but would bring us right back to the start. All around us were tall red wood trees, low lying hills dotted with rocks and flowers, and the mountains in the distance. The ground was hard from the lack of rain and the pine needles covered nearly every surface. Lexie had decided to start collecting pine cones and every once and a while, she made Mark stop so she could shove more inside his backpack.

Mark took up the lead with Lexie behind him, then me, then Derek in the back. Derek stopped a lot while he hiked. He liked to touch the trees and investigate things. I liked stopping too so I could watch him. It meant we trailed behind the other two, but it also meant we had some privacy.

"My dad said maybe you and I should tie some string and cans together so we can talk across the yards at night," he said as he handled a particularly smooth rock.

I laughed. "That's not a bad idea. Or we could just call each other."

Derek blinked at me. "Where's the romance in that?"

"Oh because your texts are so romantic."

He reached for me and dragged me against him. "Are you saying they're not?"

I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned back in his arms. "Maybe I am saying that."

Derek growled and leaned in to kiss me. I pulled away before I lost my breath. "We're supposed to be hiking."

He acquiesced, took my hand, and we continued on.

The hike wasn't strenuous since the incline was not much more than a hill. Lexie kept up closely with Mark and he explained how to gut a deer to her, which I a) didn't listen in on, b) didn't particularly like him telling my little sister about it, and c) didn't want to know how Mark knew it. He didn't seem like the hunting type, but what did I know? By 11 AM, I was starving. I hadn't eaten breakfast and Mark said we still had an hour to our stopping point. I was growing cranky. I walked with heavy steps and a grumbling stomach.

Derek slipped me a granola bar with a little smile. "You're a god," I said and bit into the crunchy granola bar. The next 45 minutes were fine after I'd eaten. As we made it through the woods, I understood why Mark wanted us to wait. Ahead of us was the most extraordinary clearing with a perfect view of the crystal clear blue lake. The area was a small alcove with a picnic table, grill, a little beach, and some nicely placed rocks for sunbathing. Lexie sprinted ahead of us and took off her shoes. She walked down to the water.

Mark laid out his backpack and pulled out the food, Derek close behind. I walked down to the water with Lexie, also kicking off my shoes. The water was shockingly cold, but so incredibly clear. It looked like the sort of lake bottled water would come from. We wadded out to our knees before turning back in for lunch, which were sandwiches, chips, watermelon, and homemade cookies.

After lunch, Derek took Lexie down to the water because she had a question about a certain kind of fish, and I helped Mark clean up.

"You know, when we got here, Lexie was pissed all the time. She's not anymore and I think that's due in part to you." Mark glanced at me, but didn't hold my gaze. "You're good with her. You treat her like…I don't know, but you don't talk to her like a child."

"When I was her age, I hated being talked to like a kid, so I try not to."

"Well, thank you for it."

Mark grinned at me. "You're welcome. I like her. She's a cute kid."

I watched Derek take Lexie's hand and walk with her out into the water. "I like her, too."

We stayed at the lake for an hour. We all took turns walking through the water and splashing each other. It felt amazing to just be in the mountain air, not worrying about anything, and screwing around. Lexie was in her element. She ran when she was chased, laughed when Mark told a bad joke, and kept asking Derek questions. She thought he was smart, which made me happier than I cared to admit.

Derek and I walked along the lake barefoot. He kept finding ways to touch me, hug me, and kiss me. I'd always read stories about romances blooming in summer, but I never expected them to really be real. I never imagined I'd be the girl who ran through fields with her boyfriend, falling into the grass beneath the harsh summer sun and laughing my head off, but I was. I never expected to be kissed to the sound of tree frogs chirping in the distance, but I was. The fire in the air matched what I was feeling inside and I never wanted the fire to die down.

By 1 PM, we were hiking again, hiding under the cool canopy of the forest. I walked some with Lexie, who kept shouting at me to keep up. Derek and Mark walked together for a while and were chatting, but I couldn't hear them. I wanted to know what they were saying because I was pretty sure it was about me. Lexie ended up walking with Derek and Mark with me. It was nice and effortless.

We made it back to the Jeep by 3 PM and back to our houses by 3:30 PM. Lexie was exhausted and headed upstairs to nap and Mark drove back to his house, but I didn't really want Derek to leave yet. Dad was working and Susan was working, and I knew they wouldn't be keen on Derek and I being alone if they found out, but I decided I didn't care. We had about an hour before Susan would be home.

I took Derek's hand and walked upstairs. I didn't say anything because I was too nervous. I wasn't ready to have sex with him yet, but I didn't just want to kiss him.

Derek walked into my bedroom first and I felt self-conscious. My room was painted a light blue from the previous owners and I still wanted to cover it up, but I was too busy mooning over the boy next door. Derek headed to my bedside table where I'd stacked a bunch of books, most of them on my reading list for school next year—_A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich_, _The War of the Worlds_, _Anna Karenina. _He set the books back down. He looked at a framed picture of Lexie and me from when we were 8 and 11. He stared at the posters on my wall.

When Derek turned to me, he was grinning. "This room feels like you."

"Really?"

"Mm," he nodded and leaned over my bed to stare into his room. "I've been trying to figure out what I was seeing on the wall." He stood up and nodded to my poster from MoMA in New York City.

"We went there last summer. I really liked New York. Have you ever been there?"

Derek turned to me. "A few times. I want to go to school there one day."

"Right, I remember you saying that."

Derek crossed the room and stood directly in front of me. His fingers played with the hem of my tee shirt, but his eyes stayed on me. "So why did you invite me into your bedroom?"

My stomach fluttered with nerves. "Well, I, uh…" my voice trailed away. Derek's one hand held my hip tightly. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but if I started, I might never stop.

He leaned down and kissed my chin. "Yes?"

My breath came out in a rush. "I wanted to…I don't know." I was blushing so much I could feel my legs growing hot.

Derek stepped away from me for a second and walked to the bathroom door. He peeked in before shutting it and locking it. He walked to my bedroom door and did the same. "Even if we just kiss," he explained, "I don't want anyone interrupting us."

I nodded.

"Do you want me to take the lead? Not for sex," he said quickly. "I can…try some stuff and if you like it, then good. If not, tell me to stop."

I nodded again.

Derek cradled my face in his hands and kissed me then. I could kiss him all day without feeling self-conscious at all. It was like I was made to kiss him, made to have his arms wrapped around me. He walked slowly back to the bed and sat down in front of me. I had to lean down to kiss him, but I liked having the higher ground. Derek's hands slid up my sides underneath my shirt. I shivered and my mouth opened to him.

As his fingers moved over my stomach, I wondered how many girls he'd done this to. How many girls he slept with. The thought of Derek touching anyone else made me irrationally angry. I couldn't fault him for his past. I guessed I was just uncomfortable because I had no past to speak of. Derek was the first boy to even get inside my clothes.

He pulled away and stared up at me. "Are you okay?" I nodded. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head. "It's stupid." My hands were resting on his shoulders and I was running his shirt between my thumb and forefinger.

Derek stood. "Hey, it's not stupid. Tell me."

I looked up at him and turned away when I asked, "How many girls have you…been with?"

"Does it bother you that I've been with other girls?" I shook my head. Derek held me tightly. "Hey, I have been with other girls. Not a lot," he met my eyes when he said it. "Only three. But none of them matter because I'm here with you. I only want you."

"You want me?" my voice was small.

Derek laughed and kissed me thoroughly, holding the back of my head as his tongue slid over mine, his hands caressed me and he pressed against me. _All_ of him. I was breathless when he pulled away. "Yes, believe me, I want you."

I smiled then and kissed him.

We managed to lie down on my bed next to each other. I was playing with Derek's shirt again and he took it as a sign, so he sat up and discarded it. I reached out to touch his chest and shoulders. I sat up too and started to take off my shirt. Derek's eyes were on me the entire time. He leaned in to kiss me and wrapped his arms around my back. He laid me down below him and kissed over my throat, down my chest, and to the tops of my breasts. I gasped and fisted the sheets beside my hips.

Derek's hands moved over my bra and I watched his eyes watching me. I moved until he was lying on top of me again, our mouths fused together. His one hand moved over my butt and the other up my back. He stared at me as he touched my bra clasp and I simply nodded. He unclasped my bra and gently pulled it away. I didn't feel at all uncomfortable. Derek's mouth turned up. "You're so beautiful," he whispered and leaned down to kiss my breasts. I'd never felt anything like it and the feeling made my head fuzzy.

We continued like that for a while and then his hand was moving to my outer thighs and my hips were pressed up against him. I wanted to see more of him, but I was afraid. When Derek touched the waistband of my shorts, I knew I wanted him to take them off of me.

I reached for my button and Derek watched. I pulled down the zipper and lifted my hips. I was wearing purple underwear with a hole in the back, but I knew it didn't matter. Derek's hand moved over my inner thigh. I brought his mouth to mine and rolled my hips to give him a silent yes. When he touched me, I moaned, which he captured with his lips. His fingers moved into my underwear, sliding over me. I rolled my head back and he kissed my throat. He kept sliding along me, adding pressure that made my legs dance, before sliding a finger inside me. My eyelids were heavy and I jolted at his touch.

He kept doing it all to me and soon enough, he pressed his mouth to mine to stifle the cries. My entire body was shaking and he was holding me, kissing me, and petting my hair with his free hand. He pulled his hand away from me and leaned down for a soft kiss. I was so comfortable, I wanted to sleep. Derek smiled against my mouth. "I want to stay," he said, "but your parents will be home soon."

I nodded and watched him through hooded eyes. Derek grabbed my shirt from the floor and kicked my bra under my bed. He pulled the shirt over my head and settled my blankets up around me. For a minute, Derek lay beside me and I swear it felt even better than an orgasm. He kissed me slowly and then even slower stood up. As he walked away, I grabbed his hand. Derek sat back down. I sat up and kissed him. "You make me feel safe," I admitted.

His grin doubled. "I'm so glad because you make me so happy." We kissed but only for a second. Derek unlocked both my doors and paused in the hallway. I peeked at him through my lashes. "Call me when you wake up."

"I will."

I listened to his footsteps descend the stairs and the front door closing behind him. I sat up to look out my window and sure enough, Derek paused before walking up his front steps. He smiled at me and I swear I saw him blush a little bit. I fell back against my pillows and couldn't stop smiling.


	12. 2014, Derek (6)

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**I'm excited for the next part. Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>2014, Derek<strong>

Meredith meets me on the back porch with two tumblers of scotch in her hands and the bottle tucked under her arm. I take the glasses from her and set them down on the patio table between the two Adirondack chairs. Meredith sets the bottle on the ground and sits down in the chair opposite me. She holds up her glass to me and I take mine, "To Caroline," she says, which I repeat and we both take a sip.

"That's good," I nod to the bottle.

"It's funny, I spent my twenty-first birthday with my four year old daughter. Pretty pathetic, huh?"

I think back to my 21st, which should've been a wild night out, but I spent most of my time hiding from my friends at a crowded bar in Connecticut. I drank two beers, paid for my friends' rounds, and headed home by 11 PM. I shake my head. "No, not pathetic. I'd rather spend my birthday with her than anyone else."

Meredith smiles and I notice it's a smile I've seen a few times now. It's reserved for Caroline, only.

"Did you name her after Lexie?" I ask.

"Lexie and my mom." I nod, having realized the Ellis connection before. "You don't even know how helpful Lexie was when I was pregnant," Meredith says. "Lexie did everything. She read every pregnancy book and made sure I was hydrated and well-fed. She read remedies online for morning sickness and swollen ankles." Meredith smiles fondly. "Lexie was amazing and as soon as I saw Caroline, I knew I had to name her after Lexie. The two of them are like two peas in a pod. Caroline rarely goes anywhere without Lexie."

I nod because I saw that today. "Was the birth difficult?"

Meredith sighs and then takes a sip of her drink. "Very. I'd been on bed rest for almost seven weeks and when it was time," she shakes her head, "it was rough. Susan was there holding my hand the entire time. I even had an epidural, but nothing helped. The labor was twenty-two hours." My mouth pops open. She laughs softly. "Yeah. But look what I got for all of that."

I glance up at the house. "I didn't know what to expect today, but I never, ever thought she'd be so open to me."

"She caught me off guard, too. I mean, she seemed excited to meet you, but I figured she'd be shy. I never dreamed that she'd take your hand and run off to play tennis with you. And I _never_ expected her to call you dad." Meredith smiles at me and the memory alone gets me choked up.

I clear my throat. "I didn't even know what being called dad would feel like. It's incredible."

"Isn't it?"

"What was her first word?"

Meredith laughs, "Lex. She never calls Lexie Lexie, she's always Lex."

"How is she with your parents?"

"Oh she loves them. I've explained to her a million times what a step-grandmother is, but she doesn't believe it. Susan is just Grandma to her. Dad is Grandpa. They spoil her rotten, although my dad wouldn't admit it out loud. I never saw them coming around, especially after how difficult they made the first few weeks after I told them. But the second they saw her, all doubts were gone."

I feel strangled under the weight of missing so much. I should've been the one holding Meredith's hand and finding remedies online for morning sickness. But I can't change the past. All I can do is look forward to the future and I know, without a doubt, Caroline will be in it.

I take a long sip of my scotch. "What are your plans?" I ask. "You said you're taking a semester off. Then what?"

Meredith shrugs and looks a little lost. "I have no idea. I have to move out eventually, but I can't afford it right now and taking Caroline away from Lexie…" she shakes her head. "I don't think I could do it."

"I'm happy to pay for whatever you need paid for."

"No, Derek, I couldn't—"

"I owe you." I stare at her. We never discussed money before; we never had to. But when my father died, he left me more than comfortable and now I have a daughter to think of. "Five years. I have five years of child support to make up for. Anything Caroline needs, I'm happy to provide."

Meredith tightens her hand around her glass. "I don't want you to do that."

"She's my daughter, Meredith," I say gently. "Please let me help."

She looks far and away. I know she doesn't want charity or a handout, but this isn't either of those. The money would be for Caroline. I could pay for her activities and clothes and books she wanted. I've been sitting on a pile of money for years and now it can go to some good. Meredith finally nods, barely, but she nods. "We can talk about it later."

"Alright."

Meredith finishes off her drink and bends to pour another. "Can you answer one question?" she asks.

It's my turn to tense. "Yes."

She takes another sip. "If you didn't leave, and you knew about the pregnancy, what would've happened?"

I smile slowly. Ever since learning about Caroline, I imagined what life would've been like if I stuck around long enough to learn about her. I'd like to think Mark was wrong when he said I'd leave whether I knew about the pregnancy or not. I'd like to think if I had known, I would've stayed. I'd like to think learning Meredith was pregnant would've made me face reality and stick around. "After you told me about her, I would've gone with you to tell your parents right away. I would've held your hand the entire time. I would've been the one to relieve your morning sickness and I would've spoken to her through your stomach." I grin. "You would've been embarrassed by me. When you gave birth, I would've let you break my hand if you needed to." She laughs quietly. "We would've moved out together."

"Yeah?" her voice is so quiet, I have to turn to hear her.

"Yes. We would have a little apartment somewhere close. You'd finish school and I'd stay home with Caroline all day and when you came home, I'd take night classes. We'd make dinner together and sing her to sleep. We'd sit by her crib every night just to hear her breathe. I'd hold your hand and tell you how happy I was. Life would be perfect."

Meredith swallows and brushes her fingers across her cheeks. "That's a nice fantasy."

I nod. "Yes, but we can't change the past."

"No, but there could be a future." My eyes cut to her. Meredith smiles, "We have a lot of ground to cover, especially _us_, but you and Caroline? You two have a future. We'll figure everything out, but for now, don't worry because I want you in her life."

I break into a huge smile and I'm sure I look psychotic, but all my fears are gone. I never imagined Meredith wouldn't let me see Caroline, but being part of her life is big, huge, amazing, and it means setting up a future and making plans. "Meredith," I reach across and take her hand. "Thank you, thank you so much. I feel like…the last few days have been above and beyond what I ever expected. Thank you."

Meredith pats my hand and squeezes before we both let go. It's too hard and we both know it. "When I first saw you the other day, you weren't you. You were distant, unhappy. But today, with Caroline," she grins wide and turns away. "I saw you again."

"I'm happy now."

She looks at me. "Because of Caroline."

"She makes up a big part of it." Meredith blushes and looks exactly how I remember her, small, with a permanent gleam in her eyes like she knows something no one else does. "You look the same," I say, "but you're so different."

Meredith pulls one leg up underneath her and I flashback to us sitting on Mark's porch that first time, with Mark and Owen looking on. "How so?"

"That summer…you were so timid. I was afraid I'd scare you off. But now, you're commanding. You're assertive. It's amazing to see the change."

"Becoming a mom did that to me."

"Well, whatever it was, I like it."

Silence falls between us and it's not awkward at all. I'm reminded of the times I'd just sit in silence with Mark, staring out at the stars, thinking of my future. I'm so comfortable to allow the silence to roll between us. I stare out into the distance and try to imagine the next day, next week, next month, next year. A week ago, if you would've told me I'd be sitting on Meredith Grey's back porch, talking about our daughter, I never would've believed you. So who knows what's to come? All I do know is Meredith won't keep me from Caroline and I'll get to know my daughter.

I finish off my drink and set the empty glass on the table. It's nearly 11 PM and I have an early shift. "I should get going. My shift starts at five."

Meredith nods, but her eyes are still far away. I have no idea what she was thinking of, but I pulled her from some kind of deep thought. "Yeah, of course." She stands and I follow. "Will you be around tomorrow?"

I shake my head. "I have a thirty-six hour shift. I won't get off until the following day at five at night. I'm free then."

"When do you sleep?"

"Sleep is for the weak," I joke and pick up both the glasses while Meredith goes for the bottle.

"Then I am weak, because I need at least eight hours every night."

We walk into the kitchen and I set the glasses in the sink. Meredith puts the bottle of scotch back on the shelf. "Is Caroline a late sleeper?"

Meredith leans back against the sink and crosses her arms over her chest. "Not at all. As soon as she learned how to open her crib, she started getting up early and just wandering. I tried to stop her, but nothing worked, so I've just let her go. She's usually up by five or six and I'm usually up by six or seven. Tomorrow, though, that'll be tough. I'm up way past my bedtime."

"Sorry to keep you up."

"Not at all. I need to remind myself every now and again that I'm twenty-two, not sixty-two."

I grin across the kitchen at her. "You're definitely not sixty-two," I confirm. I know I said I was leaving, but something about the warm, quiet glow of the kitchen, and Meredith leaning against the sink just a few feet from me, makes me want to stay. I meet her eyes and I can feel the shift in the room. "Meredith, I never got a chance to apologize to you."

She smiles softly and tightens her arms across her ribs. "Yes you did."

"That wasn't everything."

She shakes her head no. "I don't need you to apologize again, Derek. I think you showing up here, taking an interest in Caroline, and opening up to me is apology enough."

I nod and look down at my feet. "I appreciate that, but for my own peace of mind, I'd really like the chance to get it out." To get the hurt out. To get the disappointment out. To get the years of hiding behind my textbooks and medicine so I avoided my past out.

"Okay." Her voice is strong.

"I have no excuse for my actions. I was in pain and when I should've turned to you, I ran. I hate how I treated you those last few days before I left. I never knew that side of me existed and if I had known, I never would've wanted you to see. I loved you," her eyes meet mine. "I loved you and I brushed you off like it didn't matter, like the perfect, amazing, wonderful summer we had didn't matter. I can't ever take any of that back, but I do sincerely apologize for treating you like that and for leaving.

"I've missed so much and I'm not even talking about Caroline." Meredith's eyes never waiver from mine. "You've become this incredible person and I missed it. You were always incredible, but you didn't know it back then. But now, you're flourishing and taking the world by storm, and I'm so proud of you." Meredith smiles and looks down at her feet. "I wish I had been around to watch it happen."

"Me too, but you're here now for Caroline. That's enough."

For a moment, I imagine what it would be like to live with her and Caroline. Having every night to kiss my daughter to sleep and then kiss Meredith. To wake up to the sounds of little feet on the hardwood floors and the smell of coffee brewing downstairs. Coming home from work and having them waiting on me, excited to see me. It was a life I'd imagined that summer, when I was young and naïve, but I never imagined my fantasy life would still be something I wanted six years later.

Meredith clears her throat and my thoughts focus on her again. "Thank you for that, Derek."

I nod and stand up straight, sliding my hands into my pockets. "I should go. So I'll see you in," I glance at my watch, "forty-one hours?"

"It's a date."

The warmth that spreads through my body is equally exhilarating and terrifying.

Meredith walks me to the door and lifts her hand to wave as I walk down towards the street. I wave back and add a small smile, trying not to show how…excited I am? Relieved? I have no idea. But I don't want to give away too much. The front door closes behind me and I walk over to my parents' house. The front porch is dark and dank, with a giant hole in the front step and an equally massive hole right by the front door. I don't know how safe the structure is, but I walk up the steps anyway, pausing by the rocking chair my mother used to sit in.

We spent hours on this porch, all seven of us. Dad and Mom would sit in the loveseat, their arms wrapped around one another watching Amy and I playing jacks, Lizzie and Nancy drawing on the sideway, and Kate watching over us while reading a book, like our little protector. We grew up on this porch. I had my first kiss here with Missy Anderson and met Mark here. Lizzie fell in love with the boy who used to live in Meredith's house here. My parents watched us go to kindergarten, then elementary school, all the way to leaving for college from this porch.

But now it lies in shambles, forgotten in the mess that fell upon us after my father died. When I close my eyes, I can still see his body. I can still hear the two gunshots. So often I find myself lost in my thoughts of him, but whenever I think of that day, I see Meredith lying beneath me, grinning up at me. She was pregnant then, but neither of us knew. Inside her was an amazing, beautiful, bright baby, who would never know her grandfather.

I run my hand over the door, my fingers coming back stained. I hate this house, but I miss it.

"Hey there," someone says behind me and I turn to see Lexie, dressed in running clothes.

I walk down from the porch, not wanting to make any new memories there. "Hi Lexie."

"How are you?" she asks and I know she's thinking back on the last 24 hours.

I could tell Meredith exactly how I feel, but I don't want to lie anything else on her plate. With Lexie, though, it seems easy to just unload it all. But I think back to Meredith's warning to not use Lexie against her. I don't want to cross any boundaries. "I'm good."

Lexie smiles and takes a seat on the bottom step of my house. I want to ask her not to, but I also want to join her. I'd always felt protective over Lexie and that feeling didn't just leave after my years away. "Derek Shepherd, I know you and I know you're not _good_. Everything you thought you knew changed today. I figured it might be hard for you to talk to Meredith, so talk to me."

"It isn't hard for me to talk to her," I defend. "I'm just afraid she might not want to hear what I have to say. My worries, my concerns."

Lexie pats the spot beside her. "I'm about to lay down some truth, so take a seat." I laugh at her, but sit down despite my concerns. "I have a bit of insider knowledge about worries and concerns. When Meredith found out she was pregnant, all she did was worry. First about Mom and Dad, but then about what to do with the baby, and then about how the baby was doing. I was worried, too, so believe me, no one here is a stranger to worrying about that little girl."

"I'm not worried about her, though. I'm worried about what she means to Meredith and me."

"To your relationship?" Lexie asks.

I nod.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Lexie grinning. "I might've been a kid that summer, but I was a perceptive kid. I'd never seen two people more in love." She meets my eyes.

"I did love her," I admit.

"And you still do. I know you're both concerned about everything, but the love and attraction is still there. That's not something that just washes away with six years of radio silence. But I'm sure you both need to figure out what that means now. You're both older and wiser and everything from that summer wasn't just some kind of a fluke."

I can tell by Lexie's words she's not talking about just Meredith and me. "Why do I feel like you have some vested interest in your own speech there?"

Lexie only grins.

"You should know," I say, stepping into my big brother shoes, "he's a good guy. He likes to make a show of everything, but he's got a level head on his shoulders."

"I know that," she says quietly.

I knock my shoulder to hers. "He'll probably screw up, but don't let that ruin everything. If you can, forgive him when it happens. You weren't the only perceptive one that summer. You might've been just a little kid, but you two had a connection. And I'm guessing the phone call I overheard the other day wasn't the first one you two have had."

Lexie blushes and looks remarkably like Meredith. "How did you turn this conversation around to talk about me?"

"Psych one-oh-one," I say with a laugh. I stand up and extend my hand, helping Lexie to stand. "I told Meredith I won't be around for almost two days. Work," I say regrettably. "But I'll see you in a couple of days, Lex."

She nods and heads towards the house. "Hey Derek," she calls to me as I reach the street. "I haven't seen her this happy in a long time."

I don't say anything in response and Lexie eventually walks away. If I had said something, I would've told Lexie that I haven't been this happy since that summer. But I am pretty sure I saw Meredith in the kitchen window looking out, and I really wasn't ready to make any declarations to her yet.


	13. 2008, Meredith (7)

**I am just floored by the really sweet responses I received about the last chapter. I'm so glad to hear you're all enjoying both stories and everyone seems to like the pace. Every time I write a 2008 chapter, I swear I like that time better, but then I write a 2014 chapter and like that time better. I can't win!**

**Thank you for your kindness! **

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><p><strong>2008, Meredith<strong>

Lexie had her first volleyball practice a week after our hike with the boys, which I found unfathomable since it was summertime. School activities shouldn't start until school started. But Lexie was excited and I think Susan was happy to have Lexie invested in something other than fawning over Mark Sloan and hiding in her room and listening to Dashboard Confessional.

I'd offered to walk Lexie to practice, even though she swore she didn't need a babysitter. I actually wanted to go because I wanted to see my new town. The school was only half a mile away, and it wasn't actually all that hot out today. Back at home, Dad was building Lexie her own beach volleyball court, which he hoped would be filled with Lexie and her friends soon enough.

As we walked, I made mental notes of all the places I wanted to go before school started—Darcy's Diner, Steinway & Grant Cinemas, and The Book Nook as frontrunners. I'd barely even walked through town in the last two weeks, so it was a good day to explore.

I dropped Lexie off at the middle school where she walked with confidence up to the gym. There were a bunch of girls standing around and they watched my sister curiously. Lexie never had trouble making friends, so I assumed she's been wasting hours on the phone chatting to all of them soon. I walked back into town and headed down Main Street. I liked town here because they didn't have all the commercial fast food places, big box stores, or household names. Every place was mom and pop.

Before long, I made it to the end of the street, which for a Tuesday was jam-packed with people. I arrived at a wooden sign that was beautifully carved to read _Michael's Wooden Creations. _Derek mentioned his dad was a woodworker. I pushed open the door and walked into a storefront that smelled so much like trees, I could've been in the forest.

Michael Shepherd peaked out from a backroom and his face broke into the most welcoming smile. "Well I'll be damned, if it isn't Meredith Grey!" He walked out from the backroom and was covered in wood dust. He wiped his hands on his worn jeans and crossed the showroom. "Now don't you look nice and tan? I'll bet it's that son of mine taking you on all those hikes and whatnot." He winked at me and I blushed.

"Hi Michael. I was walking by. I hope I'm not interrupting."

"Heck no! I was due for a break." He leaned against one of the tables and crossed his arms over his chest. "So why don't you tell me how everything is going? Is my son treating you well?"

I broke into my own wide grin. "Yes, he's very sweet to me."

"And sweet on you," Michael raised his eyebrows. "He talks about you constantly. I understand sure thing, with how beautiful you are," I blushed again, "but my son believes the sun shines from your you-know-what. Now I ain't gonna get anymore into that, but he does find you quite perfect."

I shuffled my feet along the wooden floor. "I like him a lot, too."

Michael clapped his hands together. "Well then, I've never heard anything better. So what can I do you for if you're not here to yell at me about my son?"

"Derek mentioned your work and I just…wanted to see it," I shrugged.

"I'd be thrilled to show you." Michael stood up and if not for his wide grin, friendly eyes, and open, caring face, his height would've been frightening. He had to be at least 6'3" or 6'4". "Come on along this way," he nodded and we walked to the front of the store. Right in the front window was a huge, 12 person dining room table with intricately designed legs. A vine wove up all four sides and splayed out over the table top and even appeared to keep growing.

I smiled down at the incredible beauty. "Can I touch it?"

Michael nodded. "Oh yes, go ahead."

I ran my fingers over the table top, feeling the soft ridges and indents from the leaves and vines. Each corner was different, which made it even more beautiful. "How do you do this?"

"I'll show you. But first, come this way."

We walked further into the showroom and passed more tables, just as exquisite as the first, but on a smaller scale, side tables carved to look like trees, kitchen cabinets, couch and chair frames, and even window frames. Towards the back of the showroom was a bed that was so beautifully crafted, I couldn't be sure if Michael carved it or not. The frame was a sleigh bed, with beautiful swirls carved in each side. The headboard and footboard had a scene of morning and night, respectfully. The sun rose over the headboard, scattering nocturnal woodland creatures back into the forest, waking the birds, and coaxing the flowers to open. The footboard showed the moon, bold but dim, in the sky with twinkling stars dotting the horizon. I reached forward and touched the moon, so sure I'd find it rough, but it was perfect soft.

Michael stood by, clearly proud of his work. "I just finished this bed yesterday. I don't think I'll ever be able to sell it. I like it too much."

"This is unbelievably beautiful," I smiled and wrapped my hand around the curved wood.

He nodded to the backroom. "Come on, I'll show you how I work."

Michael set me up at his back table perched on a stool. The backroom was double the size of the showroom and had dozens of piece of furniture already in the works. He was working on a set of kitchen cabinets that day. "I'd like to add a little finesse," he said with a laugh, "but they just want straight up boring cabinets."

"That's a mistake."

He grinned at me, "You're telling me." I watched him take his power tools and slide goggles over his eyes. "Keep back now. If I hurt you, Derek will kill me."

"I will."

And I did stay back because the wood shards started going flying as Michael worked. He moved slowly, methodically with each turn of his wrists. He carved out the actual cabinet and then started in on the door's inlay. He explained different woods to me between the sounds of the power tools, explaining why mahogany was so expensive and pine so inexpensive. He liked working with cedar and oak. He let me hold his saw at one point and I was sure I was going to cut my finger off.

Michael grew bored of the simple necessity of cutting out the cabinets, so he turned to an opulent table which we was carving a princess castle into. "For Kate's oldest, Sara."

"Kate has kids?" Derek talked a lot about Amelia since she was around, but rarely his older sisters.

"Two—Sara who is just about four and little Colin, who's two. Nancy is pregnant with her first, too. She says it's a boy, but I'm banking on a girl."

I tuck one of my legs up under myself. "How did you and Carolyn meet?" I ask curiously.

Michael set down his tools and pushed his goggles to the top of his head. "You know, I don't even believe my son knows how we met." He grinned and his eyes had this faraway look. "My family moved out West when I was about your age. I was born and raised in the south and California was a totally different animal. I didn't like it much. So when it came time to go to college, I chose Colorado. Well, low and behold, my first day at school, I meet this pretty little thing named Carolyn. She was a light all on her own and she was stuck outside her dorm without a key. Now, I didn't live in her dorm, but I waited with her for about ten minutes until someone came, but by then she was already in love with me, so we just kept talking." I smiled and laughed at his conviction. "I took her out to dinner that night and we got married one month after we both graduated. We had little Kathleen a year later and then the rest of the brood. And before you ask, no we weren't waiting on a boy, but we were above and beyond happy to have him."

"Your love story sounds like a fairy tale."

Michael grinned at me and picked up his tools again. "I don't know, we don't have anything on the boy and girl next door," he met my eyes and I blushed, which caused him to laugh. "Derek was right, you do blush awfully easy."

For the next hour, I watched Michael closely and was astounded by his patience. When he focused, the smile was gone from his face and replaced with complete control. He held his lip between his teeth as he carved and shook out his hand every now and again. He never made a mistake, or if he did, I never noticed. Wood shavings were everywhere, stuck to my shoes and my feet, in Michael's hair, all across the ground, but I liked the smell.

Around noon, I was getting hungry. I didn't want to leave yet, so when Michael began to shake out his hand I asked, "Are you hungry? I could go grab us some lunch."

"Aren't you sweet?" Michael asked. "I would love some lunch."

He started to pull out his wallet and I quickly stood up. "No, I'm happy to buy it."

"I have never heard anything so silly in my life. You certainly will not buy my lunch." He handed me too much money and I felt self-conscious. "Darcy's has the best cheeseburgers and strawberry shakes around. Although don't tell my wife," he said with a wink.

I pocketed the money with a conspirator nod. "I'll be back soon."

Outside was still remarkably beautiful, so I walked slowly from Michael's shop to the diner. Inside, the atmosphere was perfectly 1950s with the checkered floors, vinyl booths, and a jukebox in the corner. I walked up to the counter and ordered two cheeseburgers, French fries, and two strawberry milkshakes. I sat down and picked up on the discarded newspapers, reading the headlines (I half expected them to be from the 1950s, too).

After about 15 minutes, the food was ready and I paid, pocketing the rest of the money to give back to Michael the moment I saw him. The food smelled delicious and I was practically drooling when I walked back into Michael's shop. The bell announced my arrival and I heard voices from the back of the store.

"Michael?" I said to announce my presence in case he was making a deal or something.

Carolyn walked out from the backroom wearing a ridiculously happy grin. "Michael said you were here, but we didn't believe him!" She crossed to me and pulled me into a hug. I was taken aback by the familiar gesture, but quickly hugged her in return. As I looked over her shoulder, I saw Derek walk out from the backroom. Now it was my turn to have a ridiculously happy grin. Carolyn pulled back and took the grease-stained food bag from my hands. "What's this?"

"Lunch, for Meredith," Michael said quickly.

Carolyn's eyes cut to her husband's. She opened the bag. "You're telling me this tiny little girl is going to eat two cheeseburgers, two helpings of fries, and two strawberry milkshakes?"

"You like strawberry, too?" Michael grinned at me and I nodded.

"Mom, you should see Meredith eat, though. She can really pack it in."

"Derek Shepherd, do not talk about how or what a woman eats or you'll give her a complex. And you," she turned to her husband, "the doctor says no red meat, no fried foods, and no sweets. Where in the world is this meal okay?"

Michael shied from his wife.

Derek reached over and took the bag from his mother's hands. "Meredith and I will eat it." He glanced at me and my heart hammered in my chest.

Carolyn seemed happy with that. "Good, now darling, let's have the lunch I made for you. I even included a little mayo on your turkey sandwich," she said and walked past her husband, who was making a sign with his hands to show how little mayo she put on his sandwich. Derek and I laughed. "Don't head off after lunch, Meredith, I'd like to see your pretty face again!" she called and waved.

Derek pressed his hand to my spine and walked me from the shop into the town square across the street. He chose an outcropping of trees that were fairly private. Along the way, he whispered, "I'd like to see your pretty face first," in my ear and it made me shiver.

We sat down with our legs crossed beneath us. Derek opened the bag and pulled out all the food, setting it at our feet. "I'm not much of a strawberry milkshake kind of guy. I prefer vanilla."

I rolled my eyes at him. "You're a square." I took a sip of my milkshake, closed my eyes, and moaned. "Oh god that's good."

Derek's mouth was on mine before I even had a chance to open my eyes. His hand gripped the back of my neck and he parted my lips with his tongue. I pressed my back into the tree behind me and Derek pressed against me, moving the food to the side. I cradled him between my knees and kissed him without any thought, any worry, or any care. As he pulled away, he kissed me a few times with his eyes open, staring at me the entire time. "Maybe I do like strawberry," he whispered against my mouth.

He settled back in across from me and I fixed my shirt, which was riding up in the back from pressing against the tree. "God, I'm just trying to enjoy my milkshake and you attack me."

He smirked at me. "Attack you," he repeated and his eyes were expressive. "You can attack me like that anytime."

"Oh really?" I asked and I sat up on my ankles. Derek readjusted and leaned towards me. I brushed past him and grabbed a handful of his fries and added them to my pile. I grinned and sat back down. "I don't want to attack you because I'm too hungry."

Derek glowered at me before opening the wrappings to his cheeseburger. "You can be cruel Meredith."

I ate some of his fries. "But you like me."

"That I do." He took a big bite and I turned back to my fries. After a minute, he asked, "How come you were at my dad's place?" I could see he was just being curious.

"I was just walking around and I saw the sign. I went in and he was so excited to have me there." Derek smiled. "He showed me all his furniture and let me help him. You were right, his work is amazing."

"He built all the furniture in our house. Sometimes I forget and I look at a chair or an end table and I just think: 'How can someone be so talented?' He definitely has a gift. Plus, he likes showing it off."

The wind blew through the trees and Derek and I kept chatting as we ate. It was shocking to think two weeks ago I didn't know him. Derek tossed our bags after we finished and slid down between me and the tree and wrapped his arms around my waist. I laid my head back against his chest and press my hands to his. I'd slipped off my shoes and so had he, so our feet were tangled together. My eyes fluttered closed as I rested against him.

"Your dad told me about how he and your mom met. It was very romantic."

Derek hummed his agreement. "Our story is more romantic. The boy next door, the girl next door."

I pushed forward and turned so I could face Derek. "That's exactly what your dad said!"

"We're very similar."

I readjusted so I was facing Derek, pressing my feet against the tree roots on either side of his hips. I wrapped my arms around his neck. Ever since our hiking trip last week, and his hands exploring me, I felt bolder around him. I felt like I couldn't do anything incorrectly. He liked the person I was, but he also liked the body I carried around. He was always touching me and kissing me, so a rogue hair in a weird place or a pimple wasn't going to deter him. That realization made me free to show him more of me, both mentally and physically.

Derek wrapped his arms around my back. "Mmm," he leaned in to kiss my neck. "You are so hot."

I giggled and slapped his chest. "You're supposed to call me beautiful, not hot."

"You're beautiful, too, but you're brutally hot." His hands slid over my butt.

"You're hot too. Like super hot. I'm surprised you weren't swooped up by some sophisticated college girl. Instead you're slumming it with a high schooler."

He kissed my lips. "Age is just a number, baby."

I rolled my eyes and then kissed him back. We weren't exhibitionists, so we left our kissing to a minimum in the park. After a decent amount of time, and with my lips pleasantly bruised, we headed back to Michael's store hand-in-hand. Carolyn was still hanging around, manning the cash register as someone bought a chair, and I could hear the drill going in the back.

Carolyn handed the woman her change and turned her attention to Derek and I. "How was lunch?"

We shared a smile. "Good," Derek said.

"Meredith, when will you come over again? We'd love to have you and your family for dinner."

"I could ask Susan. I'm sure she'd love it."

"Oh, please do. How about on Thursday night? There are supposed to be fireworks in town. We could have dinner and then go up to see them together."

I grinned and nodded. "I'll ask her, but I'm sure she'll say yes."

Carolyn clapped her hands together. "Wonderful! Now, I hate to tear you two apart, but your father needs your help with some deliveries, Derek. Meredith, I'm happy to drive you home or somewhere else." And then she added quickly, "And please don't think we're kicking you out. We just need to close down for deliveries for an hour."

"I should get back anyway. My sister is probably home by now and she's probably bored."

I looked up at Derek. "I'll walk you out."

I raised my hand, "Bye Carolyn. Tell Michael I said goodbye and thank you."

She leaned in and gave me a brief hug. "I will, darling. See you Thursday!"

Derek walked me down a little ways until the end of the street, where I'd need to turn right to head back to the house. He turned to me and raked his fingers through my hair. "Can I swing by later?" he asked between kisses. "I think we're overdue for a river trip."

I nodded. "I'll invite Lexie. Invite Mark so we can sneak off into the woods to makeout without my sister drowning."

"Deal," Derek whispered and leaned in to kiss me again. "Get home safe."

I untangled myself from him. "I will." I headed right and peeked over my shoulder a few times. Derek was standing just at the end of the street until I could no longer see him.


	14. 2014, Derek (7)

**I'm really so happy with your responses. Thank you a million times over for being so sweet and leaving me messages and reviews! **

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><p><strong>2014, Derek<strong>

I'm exhausted by the time I reach my car, but I have two very important things to do: call my mom about Caroline and visit with Caroline again. I plug my phone into my car charger and change the settings to handless calling. I dial the number. I have no idea what I'm supposed to say. How do you break the news that your mother has a grandchild over the phone?

The phone rings two, three, four times before my mother picks up. "Hi Derek, it's good to hear from you!"

In the past nearly two weeks, I've been terrible at calling my mom. "Hi Mom, how are you?"

"I'm doing really well. I've been keeping busy. What about you? How is the internship?"

"The internship is going really well. It's hard, you know? Long, tiring hours, trying to be on point at every part of the day, but I think I'm doing well. And before you ask, Mark is doing well, too. He's already decided he wants to go into plastics. I have to admit, I never really considered Mark's specialty before, but as soon as he told me, it seemed to fit."

Mom laughs on the other end of the line. "It _does_ fit. How's it living with Mark?"

I can hear some of the edge in her voice. I know it's hard for her to have me out here again, but to her it's all temporary. It's going to be more difficult to tell her it probably won't be temporary any more. "Mark's place is good. I don't spend a lot of time there since I'm always at the hospital."

"How's the town look?" Her voice is small.

"The town's changed," I admit. "Darcy's is gone and the movie theater. Dad's shop is empty," I say just as quietly. "The house is so sad looking."

Mom's voice hitches. "Yes, well, no one wants it."

"What if I did?" I ask. Since being home, I'd thought about my old house a lot. It sits completely abandoned while I sleep three blocks away at Mark's place. It's so close to Caroline that I could see her more often. I could put the work in. I could transform it.

"No Derek," Mom stops my thoughts right in their tracks.

"Why not?"

Mom is quiet for a long minute. "That house…" her voice carries away. "I don't want you living there."

"It's just sitting there."

"And sit there it'll stay. I don't want you having to live through those memories again, Derek, and you know you will. You've just gotten your life together and I don't want anything to spoil that. Plus, as I understand it, the Greys still live next door. Wouldn't you be afraid of seeing Meredith?"

In the six years I'd been back East, my mom never once spoke of Meredith and how I left her behind. She knew, of course, but we just didn't talk about it. My relationship was just one other casualty from the worst day of our lives. I think Mom sort of liked that everything ended between Meredith and myself. If I'd stayed with Meredith, she would've definitely been alone and I don't think my mom could've ever handled that.

Now is the moment to tell her. I sigh and pull off to the side of the road, just a few blocks from Mark's place. "Mom, that's actually what I'm calling about."

"Meredith? Why? Are you two back together?" I can almost hear panic in her voice. I don't understand it, though. Maybe she's afraid I'll choose to stay and the only way she'll see me is if I visit her or if she comes back here. I can't imagine Mom coming back to California.

"No, nothing like that. It's actually about me leaving before." I pause and it feels like a second, but it must be longer because my mom urges me on. I continue, "When we left, and I broke up with Meredith, I didn't know at the time, but, uh, she was…pregnant."

Mom gasps on the other end. "Are you sure?"

I laugh a little, despite the fact that it's not funny at all, but because if she'd known where I was two days ago, meeting my daughter, she'd think the question was absurd, too. "Yes, I'm sure, because I met my daughter the other day."

The call ends and I don't know if Mom just dropped the phone from shock or if she ended the call from fear or anger or disappointment. I sit in my quiet truck for a minute, waiting for her to call back because I know she will. Even when she's madder than anything at me, Mom always calls back. A half minute later, I pick up her call. "I dropped the phone," she admits.

I lay my head back against the seat. "Okay."

"Derek," she starts, but says nothing more.

"Her name is Caroline. She's five. She was born on May eleventh. She looks like me."

"She does?" Mom's voice is shaky.

I smile to myself. "Yeah, she does."

"Derek, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around all of this."

"Me too, Mom," I laugh and close my eyes. "But it's reality. Meredith had Caroline five years ago and has been raising her ever since. She couldn't get in contact with me and eventually gave up." I don't mention the fact that I wouldn't let her get in contact with me. If my mom knew the lengths I went to cut all ties to California, especially to Meredith, she'd probably feel guilty since I did it for her. "Her parents and sister have helped her. Caroline is brilliant. She's bright and funny and she called me daddy the other day." Saying it out loud makes me tear up all over again.

Mom sighs. "Oh Derek, I'm so happy she's letting you meet your daughter."

"Meredith wouldn't keep me away."

"Of course not," Mom agrees. "But parents are protective and Meredith Grey is probably no different." She pauses and then continues, "I have to meet her."

I nod, knowing this was coming. "I know, but not yet. I just got here, just met her, and I'm still trying to figure everything out. I'm going over there now, so I'll talk to Meredith."

"Is she giving you visitation? How will your relationship work?"

"I have no idea. I just met Caroline two days ago. We have a lot to figure out. Do you mind if I call you back tomorrow, early, before my rounds? About six your time? I can tell you what's going on."

"Okay sweetheart, but can you do me a favor?"

"Sure Mom, anything."

"Can you send me a picture of her?"

I didn't know what to expect from my mother, but already treating Caroline like one of her beloved granddaughter was not it. I smile and nod, even if she can't see me. "Of course, Mom. I'll talk to you later. I love you."

"I love you, too."

I sit for a few minutes in my truck before pulling back out and finishing the drive. I was going to go right to Mark's but I don't want to waste another minute without seeing Caroline. I pull into Meredith's driveway, leaving enough room to play tennis if Caroline chooses so, and I hop from the cab. I walk up to the front door and knock, waiting as patiently as I can.

The door opens tentatively just as I hear Meredith shout, "I told you not to open the door!"

Caroline is standing on the other side wearing tennis whites, an adorable pink headband, and little pink shoes. "Hi Daddy," she says and walks forward to squeeze my legs. Meredith comes walking out of the kitchen with her hair tied on top of her head in a bun, a pair of sweatpants, and a small tank top. Her eyes go wide when she sees me.

I grin at Meredith before dropping onto my knees in front of Caroline. I hold my arms open and she walks into them, pressing her cheek to my shoulder. She smells like oranges and sunscreen. "Hi there, Caroline."

She squirms away. "Did you come to play tennis with me?"

"I did."

I stand up and she grabs my hand. "Come on! Hey, what do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?"

I look at Meredith, watching her smile as Caroline tells me her joke. "What?"

"Milk and quackers." I laugh and laugh because she seems so proud of herself.

We walk outside and I go to the further end of the net while Caroline stays close to the house. I try to ask her questions about herself while we play, but she's so focused and serious, she can't answer any of them. Instead I let her instruct me. She tells me how to hold the racket right and how to serve better. She even comes to my side and I crouch beside her while she shows me how to hit again and again. She looks so much like Meredith when she focuses and it makes me want to squeeze her to me and never let her go.

After a while, Meredith comes out to join us. She's let her hair down and put on a pair of shorts with her tank top. She sits in the grass beside the driveway, watching us volley the ball back and forth.

"Can I play?" Meredith asks and I'm about to hand my racket over when Caroline hands hers to Meredith. She sits in the grass and Meredith gives me a knowing look. "Be nice to me, okay?"

I remember fondly how terrible Meredith's always been at sports. "I'll try."

I serve and Meredith hits the ball back to me. Neither of us think about our pretty pink rackets or the seriously short tennis net. We play like we're in Wimbledon and this is the match to end all matches. Meredith's improved, greatly, and I'm just as terrible as I've ever been. I'm down by, a lot, when a car driving down the road distracts me. "That's match point," Meredith says proudly.

"I want a rematch."

"Shake!" Caroline shouts. "You have to shake."

Meredith smiles at our daughter. "You're right, baby."

We both approach the net and I take Meredith's hand across the driveway. We shake slowly and I can feel how soft her hands are. I meet her eyes and for the first time since coming back here, I want to pull her into my arms and kiss her silly. Of course I've thought of it before, but in this moment I believe she wouldn't pull away from me if I tried. I don't try, though, because kissing her won't figure out everything else.

I drop Meredith's hand and turn back to Caroline. "So, what do you want to do now?"

"Can we color?" she asks Meredith.

"Of course. Why don't you go ahead and I'll talk to Daddy for a second?"

Caroline obediently runs ahead and into the house. I can hear her running upstairs. Meredith nods to the front porch and I follow. We sit down in two of the chairs and Meredith tucks her legs up underneath herself. "How is everything?" she asks.

"Good. How about you?"

"I'm good. I'm still trying to process everything."

I nod, "Yeah, me too. I told my mom about Caroline. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all. She should know."

"She wants to come out, but I don't know if I'm ready for that. I'm just getting to know Caroline and I don't want to overwhelm her. I was thinking maybe in a few weeks. If that's okay with you."

Meredith smiles and she looks like I remember her. "Of course. I'd love for Caroline to meet her grandmother." Meredith sighs. "Speaking of grandparents, my dad and Susan will be back this weekend."

"Oh."

"I've spoken to them, but I don't even know how to broach the subject, you know?" she looks at me helplessly.

I nod. "I do."

"They're not going to be happy."

"No," I agree.

"They're going to yell."

"Yes."

Meredith tips her head back against the chair. "Ugh, I hate this. I hate that my dad is going to make this so difficult. I just want to pre-apologize for anything he says. He might bring up how I was after you left and throw it in your face. If he direct quotes me in saying how much I hated you, just remember I was an angry, sad sixteen-year-old with incredible pregnancy hormones sliding through my veins."

"I won't be mad, Meredith. I expect that sort of response and I don't fault Thatcher for having it. He's trying to protect you and Caroline."

"He's a good grandfather."

"I have no doubts."

She sighs and stands up. "Okay Daddy, let's go color." Her cheeks break out into the deepest red I've seen in a long, long time. I can't help but burst out laughing. Meredith scrubs her hand over her face. "Oh my god, that sounded so much more innocent in my head!"

I stand up beside her. "That was the filthiest thing you've ever said to me."

"I know," she gasps and looks mortified. "Seriously, I am so sorry."

I shiver and shake my head. "God, I'll never get that out of my head." I walk past her, still laughing to myself as I walk up the stairs.

Meredith follows and whispers, "Stop it, Derek." I laugh all the way into Caroline's room.

Caroline and I sit at her little table and she colors pictures of bugs and snakes while I draw her a picture of a dinosaur fighting a dragon, although neither really look right. My dinosaur is too small and my dragon sort of looks like a bloated lizard. Meredith pops in while she does laundry and waits for the pizza she ordered (which I insisted on paying for). She looks at our works of art and just laughs, leaving me and Caroline in our own happy bubble.

I don't speak since coloring time is a quiet affair, but I do watch my daughter. She pins her bottom lip between her teeth while she colors. She hums, but the song isn't familiar. She scribbles so hard I'm shocked she doesn't break the crayon. Her bugs are all blue and purple and red and her snakes are browns and blacks. She hands me a pink crayon at one point and whispers, "You have to give your dragon a pink bow so everyone knows she's a girl."

"How do you know she's a girl?" I whisper back.

"Because in _Shrek_, the dragon is a lady dragon."

Her reasoning seems fair enough.

The doorbell rings downstairs and Caroline and I are called downstairs for pizza. Meredith's opened the box (like a champ) and set out a glass of milk for Caroline and a beer for Meredith and me. We all sit down at the kitchen table and it feels so normal, so domestic. I look at Meredith across the table and she looks away from me. I understand because I, too, feel that embarrassment. I'm not really embarrassed, but the emotions that undulate through the room are so heavy.

After dinner, I clean up while Meredith gives Caroline a bath. I wipe down the countertops with a sponge, take out the garbage, and arrange Caroline's shoes in a straight line by the door. Meredith looks over the banister and asks, "Will you come up for a story?"

I nod without a word.

Caroline is cuddled in her bed with _The Little House_ resting on her lap. As I pass Meredith, she touches my arm. "I'll give you two time alone." She smiles and the gift of time with my daughter is better than anything else.

I sit down on the bed next to Caroline and she scooches over. She lays her head on my shoulder and holds open the book on her lap and mine. I begin, "_Once upon a time there was a Little House out in the country__." _Caroline tells me all the stories from before, but adds a back story to the angry horse about his horse family living on a farm in Montana and his horse baby (colt, I tell her) leaving to go to another horse family. I read the story twice and after the second time, Caroline's hands have curled into a ball beneath her chin and she's breathing deeply.

I close the book and set it back on the nightstand. I wrap my arm around Caroline and squeeze her shoulder. My eyes slide closed as I grin. I can do this. I can be a father. I can be present in my daughter's life. I'll talk more about the old house with my mom and I'll clean it up. In the mornings, I can see Caroline off to school and eventually, when I'm no longer an intern, I can be home more evenings to tuck her in and read her a story. I can do this.

I fall asleep and when I wake, there's a blanket pulled up over Caroline and me. She's still curled into my side, beautiful in her sleep. I lean down and press a kiss to her hair before sliding from the bed. I wipe my eyes to push away the sleep and tuck the blanket around Caroline's shoulders. She sighs but doesn't wake up. I walk from her room and close the door over. I feel awkward to be creeping through Meredith's house.

Downstairs, the light in the kitchen is still on. I check my watch and its 12:04 AM. Meredith is sitting at the kitchen table with her laptop in front of her. She looks up at me when I walk in. "Hey there, sleepyhead," she smiles.

"Hey, sorry I fell asleep. She's like a furnace and I guess I just sort of lost where I was."

"Don't worry about it. She does that to me all the time."

I stretch my shoulders and roll a crick out of my neck. "I should get going."

Meredith nods slowly. "You can stay, if you wanted." I glance at her and hold her gaze. "The couch is comfortable."

I look into the living room and see the familiar cream-colored couch. I remember that couch vividly. More importantly, I remember the one time Meredith and I made out on it. She was sitting on top of me, her hands pinning my shoulders to the cushions. Her mouth moved like the Road Runner, kissing my neck, my throat, my jaw, my chin, across my cheeks, and fusing to my mouth. My hands had touched her everywhere.

And then we were caught by her father. Thatcher walked in right as my hands moved away from Meredith's breasts (thank god!) and all I received was a quick, "I don't want to see you over here for a while." Meredith and I still met by the river and still crept out of our bedrooms at night.

I grin to myself, finding myself in the present, looking across the kitchen at Meredith. "I remember that couch very well."

She looks into the living room with confusion and then realization. Her cheeks flush and she looks away. "Well, yeah."

I chuckle to myself. "I'd be happy to stay, but home really isn't far and I have to be up in four hours anyway."

"When are you off again?"

"I have about six hours between shifts tomorrow night. I get out at eight and I'm back on at two in the morning. I can come by to read her to sleep."

Meredith's gaze softens. "You're going to run yourself into the ground with this schedule."

I know that. I've thought of it a few times, but I can do it. It's just a year. "I don't want to miss even a minute with her."

Meredith stands and walks around the table to face me. "I know that, but Derek, you can't not sleep. Stay at the hospital and sleep those six hours. Come by later in the week."

"I don't want her to think I've left," I say softly.

Meredith smiles at me. "She won't. I'll tell her you have to work. She'll understand."

"You sure?"

"Positive."

Reluctantly, I shake my head. Meredith is right, I can't continue working how I'm working, sleeping how I'm sleeping, or even eating how I'm eating. I need to treat myself better because I'm no good to my job or my daughter if I'm half asleep all the time. "Okay, I'll come back later in the week. I have almost two full days off this weekend."

Meredith grins. "Maybe we should plan something."

"I'd like that."

"If Mark and Lexie are both around on Saturday, we could get the whole gang together, plus one." Her eyes lift to the ceiling. "And a happy bonus, that's the day my parents are back, so we can avoid them like the plague."

"Now that's an idea."

Meredith and I walk down the hallway to the front door. I turn to her as I take the doorknob in my hands. "Hey, what are you working on so late?"

"I'm taking an online class. I have a big paper due tomorrow."

"It's summer, shouldn't you be off?"

She shrugs and says, "I'm behind. I have my undergraduate in pre-med, but I was supposed to be prepping for med school. I couldn't do it with Caroline's schedule, so I'm about a semester behind already. If I take some online classes, I won't have to bother with them come spring when I return to school. By then I'll have a lot of clinicals to make up."

I think back to my time in college and medical school. It was all a breeze for me. I went to class when I needed and didn't when I didn't have to. I never had to take classes between semesters. I did my clinicals when everyone else did. "You're amazing, you know that?" I say before I can even think to stop myself.

Meredith smiles and looks down at her feet. "Well, not really. I just have good time management."

"No, that's not it." I pull the door open and step out onto the porch. "Can I call tomorrow after my shift?"

Meredith nods, "Of course."

I grin, "Goodnight, Meredith."

She leans against the door. "Goodnight, Derek."


	15. 2008, Meredith (8)

**I received a really great outpouring of new readers, great reviews, and lovely messages after the last update - so thank you! **

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><p><strong>2008, Meredith<strong>

The Shepherds and the Greys are having a barbecue which meant Derek, Mark, Lexie, and I were hiding by the river. Susan had this wild look in her eyes all morning and I was waiting for her to ask me to peel or chop or _prepare_ something, so I grabbed Lexie, texted Derek, and met him and Mark down, down, down river, far from the excited voices of Susan and Carolyn. I appreciated they were excited to blend our families together for the afternoon, but I really didn't want to do any prep work. If they wanted to hold a barbecue, they could, but I was going to hide from the scorching sun all afternoon.

We picked a spot that was actually a bit more open than our spot, so the sun filtered through the trees. Derek and Mark walked ahead of us and found the perfect little grove of trees to stow our things. Lexie was already pulling off her shorts and heading towards the water in her purple one piece. I'd been shy around the water since my tumble two weeks ago, but I was ready to climb in today.

Mark followed Lexie down to the water in his swim trunks. The river was wider there.

Derek removed his shirt as he prepared to go in and my eyes flickered to him. He grinned at me. "Are you checking me out?"

I tucked my hair behind my ears. "So what if I was?"

He stepped in front of me and slid his fingers beneath my shirt, along my stomach, and up, up, up until he'd pulled it off. His eyes drank me in and I shivered under his stare. It felt so intimate to have him undress me, and a little wrong, since my sister was only fifteen feet away. But Mark was probably keeping her busy, so I didn't stop Derek. He reached down for my shorts next, and pushed them from my hips. I rested my hand on his shoulder to steady myself as I stepped from the shorts. Derek pressed himself to me and ran his hands down my back. "I like that you check me out."

I turned my face up to him and he kissed me. "Then I'll make sure to do it again, when you're watching."

"Mmm," he pressed his mouth to mine again. "You're such a minx."

I laughed and slapped his chest. "And you talk like an old man." I wiggled free from him and headed towards the water.

Derek wasn't far behind me and he offered me his hand as I stepped in. The water was cold, so I gasped, which Derek echoed a minute later. "Shit," he muttered under his breath and puffed his chest out. "It's colder than I thought."

"Me too," I shivered and walked on tiptoed through the water until it hit about mid-thigh.

Lexie was already wet head-to-toe and Mark was up to his shoulders. He glanced at us and I saw a scheme building in his eyes. As long as I'd known Mark, I knew he was scheming, always. I was happy because most of the time the schemes had nothing to do with me. As I met his stare and nodded to Derek and I was pretty sure I caught on. Mark waded slowly back towards us and I tiptoed up behind Derek and wrapped my wet arms around his stomach. He shivered.

Derek's hand pressed over mine. "This is new," he said happily and I kissed his warm shoulder. I could see Mark approaching and I sort of felt bad about what we were about to do, but then I thought of the look on Derek's face afterwards and it felt completely necessary.

I took Derek by the shoulder and edged him around so he was facing me. I grinned up at him and wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing against him. "I like your bikini," he whispered in my ear and his fingers moved over my blue bikini-ed butt. I could just see Mark over Derek's shoulder and he was in place.

"I'm sorry, Derek," I said, half-serious, half-laughing.

"Sorry?" he asked and I jumped back out of his arms.

Mark was on Derek's back in a flash, pushing him beneath the water. For a second I could only see limbs flying through the air as Mark and Derek wrestled beneath the water, but then Derek surfaced, dripping with wide eyes. "You!" he said and pointed me with a glimmer of revenge in his eyes.

Mark leapt from the water and tackled Derek again.

Lexie skirted around the action and waded next to me. The river was a bit slower here, so we weren't sliding downriver much. "You started this," she said to me.

"Nu-uh, Mark did. You should've seen the look in his eyes."

She giggled and fluttered her feet beneath the water. "He's a troublemaker."

I splashed Lexie a bit. "You're a troublemaker."

Instantly she was standing up and she threw her wet body at me, hitting me by surprise and knocking me off my feet. Lexie and I went tumbling and a second later I was beneath the water, trying to untangle my arms from Lexie's legs and my legs from Lexie's arms. We tumbled in a ball beneath the water before finally breaking free. I was taken down by the current, but I slammed into either Mark or Derek, which stopped me.

The next feeling were hands on my hips and I knew I'd run into Derek, which was both good and bad. Good because I loved him touching me, but bad because he was seeking revenge. I broke over the surface of the water and coughed. Derek held me against him and when I met his eyes, I saw the same look beneath the surface: payback.

I tried to pull away from him, wrestling and trying to slide away, but his grip was firm. "You're in so much trouble," he teased.

"It was Mark's idea!" I yelled and began to laugh as Derek's hands tickled my sides.

"Way to throw me under the bus, Grey."

Derek was relentless. His hands seemed to be everywhere to once, my hips, my sides, under my armpits, tickling, tickling, tickling. I kept squirming and laughing until tears came to my eyes and finally he stopped. I was breathless, panting against him. The look in his eyes shifted and I saw the same look from last week, when his hands explored between my legs. If it weren't for my sister and Mark just up the river, I might've explored more of Derek. But we couldn't, not here. Instead I kissed him deeply before pulling away.

"Am I forgiven?" I asked to break the stare.

Derek nodded and grinned. "For now."

We laid in the river for the next hour or so. Derek and Mark formed a basket with their arms and tossed Lexie into one of the deeper parts of the river, which made her scream every time. I was so happy. I had never been so happy in my life. And it wasn't just because of my relationship with Derek, although that was a big part. It was everything: watching Lexie find herself again, listening to Mark's bad jokes and gross innuendos, finding Susan talking in the yard to Carolyn, and watching Michael make his beautiful furniture. But above everything, it was the look Derek gave me whenever he caught me staring.

I was sure, despite only being 16 and probably too young to everyone, that Derek was the one. Maybe I was naïve and silly, but what I felt for him was _real_. What we had was so perfect. He was a good guy and he liked me. I'm not sure if I was in love in that moment, but I had definitely fallen hard for Derek Shepherd and I didn't want to live my life without him in it.

After the fun and games in the water, we all headed home. The Shepherds' backyard had two big picnic tables which were now covered in heavy cloth tablecloths and tons of food. Susan shooed us inside to get out of our suits before joining the group. Michael and Carolyn were doing all the grilling and Susan had made cold salads, which she asked Lexie and me to carry out once we were dressed. I wore a green sundress and Lexie wore a yellow one, much to my shock.

Carolyn hugged me when she saw me and I officially introduced her to Lexie. "You two look so similar," she said with a grin and hugged Lexie, too. Michael made a point to leave the grill for a second to meet Lexie and give me a hug. It felt nice to be so warmly welcomed.

Derek presented Susan with flowers, which she went inside to grab a vase, but only after giving Derek a tight squeeze. She winked at me on the way inside. Dad shook Derek's hand and for once I didn't think he'd squeezed Derek's hand too hard. He was growing.

For a second, I hugged Derek, enough to feel him against me, but not long enough to piss off the parents. Mark joined us because he was permanently hungry with his parents gone, plus he was an extension of the Shepherd clan.

Once all the food was out, we dug in. I sat at a table with the Susan, Mark, and Michael and Derek sat beside Lexie with Dad and Carolyn across from him. I couldn't meet his eyes from the angle without hanging from the bench and being super obvious, but I could hear him laughing, so my dad was behaving. I never thought I could find someone funnier or more inappropriate than Mark Sloan, but Michael was just as hilarious and while he kept the innuendos to a minimum, "in front of you ladies," he said with a wink, I knew he was thinking of every joke Mark punched out.

Dinner was really good and I spent most of the time laughing. Susan seemed to be enjoying herself and I even caught Dad smiling a few times.

Afterwards, we all cleaned up, packing the leftovers for Mark and gathering materials to roast marshmallows over the fire. Derek found me in the small crowd and wrapped his arm around my back, sliding his hand subtly over my butt. "I love when you wear dresses," he whispered into my ear, which made me blush. He grinned at my reaction.

I ate two 'Smores and Lexie had three. Mark won by eating six, which made everyone feel a bit sick.

The fireworks in town were to begin at nine. It wasn't the Fourth of July yet, but the town liked to do a big display of fireworks every other Wednesday night. At 8:30, we started walking up into town as a group. Derek and I held hands and dragged behind so we could have some privacy. I knew my parents would rather I be fully present and not sneaking off to kiss my boyfriend, but I just wanted a few minutes.

"Tell me what you were like back in Seattle," Derek said.

"There's nothing to tell. I was the same, just wet." He raised his eyebrow. "Shut up," I murmured and blushed.

"Come on, there has to be something. I hardly know anything about Seattle Meredith."

"I had a small group of friends, but my best friend was—is—Cristina. She's from California originally and moved to Seattle when she was seven. I'm quiet in school, I guess. I was a swimmer, so I had a lot of meets and activities with the swim team, but I didn't go to many of their parties."

Derek said, "What did you spend your time doing when you weren't in school?"

"Cristina and I liked to go hiking. I spent time with Lexie." I paused. "I don't really know."

"Do you miss it there?"

"Not at all," I said honestly. "Although, I might be singing a different tune once the fall comes and I'm back in school and you're away."

Derek stopped us in our tracks. "Hey, listen to me," he tipped my chin up. "I want you to have a million friends in school and I want you to be a swimmer again, and to go to dances with your friends, and to be in activities, but I also want you to know that I'll be here as often as I can. Weekends, holidays, random Wednesday nights when I feel the need to kiss you." His lips turned up. "I won't be far."

"Further than fifteen feet," I said grumpily.

"Yes," he laughed, "but you'll be tired of me by then."

"No I won't."

Derek leaned down and brushed my lips with his. "I hope not."

"If you keep kissing me like that, I won't be."

He wrapped me into the warmth of his arms and kissed me silly. If not for my father whistling for us at the top of the hill, I was sure we'd never pull apart.

We joined the rest of the group and all eight of us found a good spot to watch the fireworks. Derek wrapped his arm around my waist and I leaned into him. Lexie leaned her head into my lap, wanting to sit as close as we could so she could watch the fireworks with her head lying back to the sky. Mark was on Derek's other side. The parents sat in a neat row behind us and I could feel my father's eyes burning into the back of my head.

The fireworks show started right after nine, when the sky grew dark, and the first firework was big and white. The next 20 minutes was filled with brilliant silver, gold, white, blue, red, green, yellow, purple, pink, and orange lights in the night sky. We saw Roman candles and the kind that looked glittery as they fell to earth. The show started out good but progressively got better and better. Once or twice, Derek pressed a kiss to my cheek or my temple and both times my eyes fluttered closed.

The show was amazing and fun and I was happy to have experienced it with mine and Derek's families. Afterwards, we all walked back together and Lexie kept talking about her favorite parts. Mark separated from us and headed home. Once we reached the properties, I didn't want to go in yet; after all, it was only 9:30. Lexie went in with Susan and I looked at my dad. "Can I have an hour?"

"If you stay on the front porch."

I looked at Derek and he nodded. "Of course."

"Fine then." Dad walked forward and kissed my hair, but kept his eyes on Derek.

After he went inside, Derek wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "God your dad can be scary."

We sat in the little loveseat on the front porch and I stared up at the stars. My legs were across Derek's lap and his hands were moving up and down my skin. I was so happy I'd shaved my legs. "When we were going to Mark's party," I said, "you were talking to yourself when you looked at the stars." I turned to him. "What were you doing?"

"Memorizing the constellations," he said like it was completely normal.

"Why?"

He shrugged. "I like memorizing things. I like to see how much my brain can hold. When I was seven or eight, I learned all the US presidents in order. George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe, John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, Martin Van Buren, William—"

I pressed my fingers to his mouth. "Stop."

He grinned at me and I dropped my hand. "Do you not find that sexy?"

"I do," and I did, "but I want to know what else you memorized."

"State capitals, all the countries and their locations in Africa, the timeline of diseases that have been eradicated, the battles of the Civil War, pi until number one-hundred and fifteen."

I leaned in and kissed him. "You're smart."

Derek pulled me closer. "Didn't you know this before?"

"No," I teased and kissed his jaw.

A second later, a hand slapped against the window of my dad's study and I pulled away just as quickly as Derek. I broke out laughing. "Maybe you should start listing something for me."

"Three point one four one five nine two six five three five eight," Derek said and he really could list off the first 115 numbers of pi.

Dad interrupted a half hour later and told Derek to head home. I gave him a quick kiss at the bottom of the porch steps and headed inside. Dad didn't say anything to me, but I didn't know what he could say. I was old enough to be dating a boy. And we weren't having sex, yet, so he couldn't be mad.

When I got upstairs, I kept my light off and changed quickly. Derek's light was off too, but he was sitting by his window with the light from the moon shining on his face. He grinned at me and placed his phone to his ear. A minute later, mine was ringing. I smiled at him and answered my phone. "We're gross," I whispered. "We're those people everyone hates because we're gross and can't stay away from each other."

"I don't care," he laughed. "I'll gladly be gross with you."

We both paused.

"Now _that_ was gross," he groaned and slid out of view.

I laughed at him. "You're cute when you're embarrassed."

"Right back at you."

"We're not going to stay on the phone until we fall asleep, right?"

He laughed. "No, it would be too _gross_."

We didn't fall asleep talking, but we did talk for a long time. Mostly about nothing. When I was finally too tired, Derek whispered goodnight to me and I said it back. I wondered what it'd be like to share a bed with him, where I could feel him breathing beside me as we slept. It was a nice thought and it carried me through my dreams.


	16. 2014, Derek (8)

**I am so, so behind on all your lovely reviews from the last chapter, but I'll get back to you all right now. Thank you a hundred million times for your wonderful comments! **

**I'm making a blanket comment right now, as not to spoil anything later, that upcoming chapters will be rated M. You are forewarned. Stop reading now-ish if you're offended by sexual content.**

**Onto the next chapter...**

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><p><strong>2014, Derek<strong>

For some reason, I'm nervous. I've seen Meredith and Lexie, together even, and I'm living with Mark, but the prospect of the four of us back together, with Caroline of course, is making me nervous. Back in 2008, our foursome was so effortless. Lexie and Mark were always drawn to each other; Meredith and I were always together; but even as a group, we had little pockets of moments when Meredith and Mark would spend time together or Lexie and me. I have no idea if this dynamic still exists six years later, but I'm damn happy to find out.

Mark is loading his car with provisions for the day. We're going to hike Loon Lake, which we spend hiking years ago. I haven't been up there since a few days before my dad died. Meredith and I went up there for the afternoon. She must've been pregnant that day. I never would've dreamed it. Lexie is going to drive us, which sounds practically alien to me. I can't imagine Lexie driving, or in college, or doing anything but tagging behind Mark in the warm summer air.

We drive over to Meredith's just after eleven. Lexie is already packing her Jeep. I climb from the car and keep a careful, watchful eye on Mark and Lexie. I'm sure something is going on. Lexie greets Mark with a smile and he offers to help her. He takes some blankets from her arms and sets them in the back of her Jeep. She thanks him. It all looks innocent, but the tone of Mark's voice and the way Lexie keeps peeking at him through her eyelashes confirm something is going on.

"Hi Lexie," I call and she nods at me with a small hello. She turns right back to Mark.

I head inside and find Meredith crouched at the foot of the stairs, trying to tie on Caroline's shoes. "Hi!" Caroline screams and jumps up.

"Care!" Meredith says in frustration as Caroline plods across the foyer towards me, her arms out wide.

Caroline steps on her untied shoelaces and almost goes flying, but I catch her by the armpits and pull her up into my arms. "Hey there silly girl." She squeezes my neck. "Let's get those shoes on your feet." I set Caroline down and she goes running back to Meredith.

"Hi," I greet Meredith.

She grins up at me. "Hi, Derek. Are you excited?" she ties Caroline's shoes quickly and picks her up, holding her in her arms.

I stare between Meredith and Caroline and I'm awed. It's still a shock to see them like this, with Meredith holding our daughter so comfortably on her hip. Caroline looks so much like Meredith with her honey blond hair, her porcelain skin, and the freckles dotting her nose, her cheeks, and her little arms. Even their facial expressions are similar. I stare at Caroline's eyes, though, and I see myself looking back. Her grin is all me, too. I worry about the boys she'll inflict that grin on someday. Or girls. I don't care who she loves, but knowing her parents, she'll love hard.

Meredith is still waiting on my answer so I say, "Yes, I'm very excited."

She smiles at me and I feel a fluttering in my stomach. "Me too."

Mark trots up into the house like he owns the place. "Mark!" Caroline shouts and pushes from Meredith's arms. She runs down the hallway to hug Mark just as she had with me. I try not to let it bother me.

"She does that with everyone," Meredith explains. "She's always excited."

I nod. "Well I'm glad."

"Don't take it personally," she says quietly, for me only.

"I won't. Okay, I'm trying not to."

Meredith smiles kindly at me. "I can see that."

"I figured," I whisper back with a small grin.

Mark is staring at us. He's watching us just as I had been watching him and Lexie. He hasn't seen Meredith and me together since that summer, and based on the pinched look around his eyes, he's trying to find any sort of connection. We have a connection and it's in the little girl who is currently running outside to find her Aunt Lex.

I feel a tension in the room, but I can't explain it. Instead, I push my hands into my pockets and ask, "Are we ready to go?"

"Yes," Meredith says and grabs a bag from the hallway table.

Mark narrows his eyes, "Sure."

The three of us head outside and Meredith locks the door behind her. Lexie is busy getting Caroline settled in the backseat, so Mark shuts the trunk door. I don't know where to sit, but I know I want to be near Caroline. Luckily, Mark calls shotgun, glances at Lexie, and Meredith and I take the seats opposite Caroline. Once everyone is secure in their seats, Lexie pulls the Jeep from the driveway and I try not to grimace the entire time she drives down the street.

Mark puts on obnoxious music, which Caroline knows all the words to, and the two of them duet. Meredith smiles at me across the seat and I can't help but grin in return. The windows are down and the day is already beautiful. I'm reunited with the three most important people to me and I have a new favorite person. Life is good.

When we reach the entrance to the lake, Mark gathers our things from the back and I help. The previous times here, we'd just hike until we found a good spot, but now we've parked behind a picnic area and are going to spend lunch there and then hike part of the way and come back. Meredith's told me Caroline is a good hiker, but she's little so she gets tired.

Mark carries the cooler with drinks and cold food and I carry bags with more food and plates.

"So what's going on?" Mark asks.

The girls are trailing behind, mostly because Caroline is too excited and is pulling Meredith every which way.

"What do you mean?"

"With you and Meredith."

"There's nothing going on."

"I call bullshit."

I glare at Mark as we set everything down on one of the picnic tables. "What's going on with you and Lexie?" I ask.

"Stop deflecting." I glance at Mark and he actually looks serious for one. "There's obviously something going on. You two are like…I don't know, dizzy around each other."

"Dizzy?" I laugh.

Mark shrugs. "I don't know what else to call it."

I unload the bags. "Well, you're wrong. Nothing is going on. We're just feeling through all this. With Caroline and the past and everything, we're just trying to stay above water while we figure everything out."

"As true as that may be to you, there's something going on."

I roll my eyes, "Whatever Mark."

Meredith, Caroline, and Lexie reach us finally and Caroline is pulling Meredith towards the lake. "Come on, Mommy!" she yells in her perfectly high voice. She looks adorable today, dressed in khaki shorts and a dark blue tee shirt with a whale on it. Her hair is up in a ponytail, which matches her mother's.

"I'll take her," I offer.

Meredith looks relieved. "Thank you." She hands Caroline off to me and the two of us head down to the river's edge.

Caroline drags me behind her and I'm shocked by how fast she can move for being so little. "Did you know there is a kind of shark who can swim in fresh water?" she asks as we reach the clear blue lake. Nothing has changed up here in the mountains, which is a small comfort.

"Yes, the bull shark."

Her eyes snap to mine. "You're smart," she says in awe.

"So are you." She grins at me.

I hold Caroline's hand as she sets out onto one of the rocks. I follow her and the two of us stand there with the water gently lapping against the rock. "Has Mommy ever brought you here before?"

"No, but she talks about the lake in the mountains she likes."

I smile at the flood of memories. "I like this lake, too."

Caroline crouches beside the water and I hover. I wonder how parents begin to allow their child to run off and experience things without them because I can't see myself separating from Caroline long enough for her to go off on her own. I feel the need to follow her, to make sure she doesn't come in contact with something that would hurt her. For Meredith it must be worse. She's watched our daughter grow up before her eyes and if she were to get hurt…I can't even think of it.

In the water, Caroline finds a smooth rock. She lifts it to me like a prize. "Can you skip stones?" she asks.

I nod and take the rock from her. "My record is four skips."

"Show me."

I palm the stone and wipe off some of the water. I test the weight, balancing the rock in my hands. I crouch down beside Caroline. "It's all about the throw," I say and glance out at the water. "You have to put enough strength behind it without just tossing it into the water." Caroline nods seriously. I pull my hand back and let the rock go mid-air. It skips one, two, three times and then drops. "Almost."

Caroline looks for more rocks. She hands me lumpy ones and thick ones and I try, but I usually just toss those into the water on one throw. She tries to and gets one rock to make two skips before sinking.

"Good job," Lexie says behind us. Caroline turns and bounds for her. I want to reach out and grab her so she won't fall into the lake, but she's sure on her feet and goes right into Lexie's arms. "You did a good job, cutie."

"Aunt Lex, Daddy is really good at skipping stones."

Lexie is grinning at me with a look of wonder in her eyes. "Yes he is. Go on up and grab some food now before Mark gets it all." Once Caroline is on her feet, she's running up the little hill. "She calls you daddy," she says and I'm reminded of Meredith's same thought just a few days ago.

"It's weird," I say crossing back onto dry land, "I thought it'd take her a while to say it. It's taking longer for me to process it, really."

"I guess that's normal. I don't really know."

"Me neither," I shrug. "I wanted to thank you, for everything you did for Meredith while she was pregnant and since then. I know you're her sister and one of your jobs is to look out for her, but everything you did, especially talking to your father into not kicking Meredith out, well, it feels like you went above and beyond."

Lexie stares out across the lake. "My dad can be irrational," she says with a little laugh. "He's hotheaded and I just think he was afraid that she'd throw her life away to keep the baby. That by keeping her, Meredith would have the last piece of you. But that's not why she kept Caroline. She kept Caroline because she loved her, even before she was born. I didn't do much. I just told him what he already knew."

"Well I appreciate it either way."

She nods. "I couldn't imagine not having her here."

"I've only known her for a week and I couldn't either."

"Food!" Mark yells from up the hill.

I glance at Lexie and she's smiling. "You two are so transparent," I tease her.

"So are you two," she says and when I look up, Meredith is staring at me.

We eat and then hike. Mark takes the lead with Lexie and Meredith, Caroline, and I fall behind. Caroline runs ahead, picking up leaves and sticks. She's excited, so she's talking quickly. She tells us all about bears and how brown bears aren't really grizzly bears and how grizzly bears aren't Kodiak bears, although she confirms there aren't grizzlies or Kodiaks in the area, just big brown teddy bears. Caroline runs up to Lexie and Mark every once and a while and tells them about appaloosa horses and how they used to run through these mountains.

I keep my eye on Caroline, but I'm also very much aware of Meredith beside me. She stays quiet save for a small giggle every now and again, laughing at something Caroline says or does. I stay mostly quiet, enjoying the day, but I break our 10 minutes silent streak to ask, "How does she know so much?"

"My dad," Meredith says fondly. "He teaches her all about nature and animals. She took an interest in all that when she was two, almost three. She wanted to know all about the strangest animals—alligators, porcupines, whale sharks. Dad would print out pictures of animals and Caroline would choose which she wanted to know about, which was usually all of them. He'd sit with her and discuss eating habits and migratory patterns, hibernation, what their coats felt like. Her mind is like a steel trap and nothing slips out, so she remembers it all. She's a lot like Lexie in that regard."

"Sounds like it." Meredith trips on a rock and I reach out to steady her, taking her one arm in my hand. She grabs my forearm and settles herself. "You're still just as clumsy."

Her cheeks redden. "I blame you."

"Why?"

"You make me nervous."

I glance at her. "Really?"

She nods. "Always."

I feel myself break into a large grin. I wasn't about to admit that being around her made me nervous, too, but it did. I'm always afraid I might say the wrong thing or overstep my boundaries. Or maybe I'll fall back into old habits that would make her uncomfortable around me. I didn't want that.

"Stop grinning like that." The corners of her mouth are turned up.

"Why?"

Meredith tucks her hair behind her ears. "Because you look goofy."

"Who's goofy?" Caroline asks, bounding into my legs.

"Daddy," Meredith says and meets my eyes.

Caroline looks up at me with wide blue eyes. "Are you?" she asks.

"You better believe it." I reach down and scoop her up into my arms. She allows me to hold her for the rest of the hike. Lexie takes Mark's hand. Meredith smiles beside me.

When we make it back to the Jeep, I'm feeling…sentimental? Nostalgic? I have no idea what, but it's making me remember how much I used to love it here. And not just in the mountains, but here in this part of my life. I liked being surrounded by these people and going on adventures with them. I liked hearing them laugh and I liked making them laugh. I miss it.

Meredith rounds the back of the Jeep and puts a few bags inside. Caroline is already buckled in her seat. Mark and Lexie are taking their sweet time with the cooler. I feel bold or foolish or something. "Meredith," I say.

She looks up at me. "Yeah?" I say nothing. "Derek?"

"I think we should talk about us," I practically blurt out.

She blinks at me.

"Look, I know you probably don't trust me—"

"I trust you," she says in a small voice.

I nod. "Okay, that helps." I laugh nervously. "I'm not asking anything of you. I'm not asking to revisit the past or force you into a...relationship, or anything, with me, but the fact of the matter is we have a daughter and I keep tiptoeing around you, afraid to step on your toes."

"You don't have to tiptoe."

"I don't?"

Meredith shakes her head. I can't help but find the scent of her hair, which washes over me with the movement, intoxicating. "Please don't tiptoe. You don't have to. I don't know where any of this puts us, but I've told you I want you to be part of Caroline's life, which means you're part of mine. Do you need something more concrete than that?"

I shake my head. "No, no that's fine. I just wanted to be sure you weren't thinking I was hanging around for Caroline only. I still care about you, Meredith. I always will." She looks away from me. "I'm sorry if I'm being forward or overbearing."

"You're not," she says. "I mean, you are, but it's okay. And you're right. We need some kind of guidelines. I wonder if there's a book for this."

I laugh and run my hand through my hair. "I don't think so. The title alone would be too long: _A Guide to Being Around Your Ex Who You Have a Child With_. Doesn't really roll off the tongue."

"_How to Make It Work: A Handbook for Dealing with Your Ex Around the Kid You Have Together_," Meredith says.

"_Your Ex and Your Kid: An Illustrated Guide._"

Meredith laughs loudly and covers her mouth with her hand. "We should both stick to medicine."

"Agreed." I grin at her and I can't really pinpoint what the emotion is, but the closest I could say would be relief. We still have to much to figure out, but our relationship feels more relaxed now, more effortless.

Mark and Lexie approach from the woods, which breaks our spell. Meredith walks around to the other side of the car and I take the bags from Lexie's hands to add them to the back of the Jeep. I don't say anything as I climb in, but I do glance across at Meredith. She's staring out the window and Caroline is leaning into her mother's side with her eyes closed. They both look so incredibly similar. Meredith glances to me, catches me staring at them, smiles softly at me, before closing her eyes and pressing her head against the window. When Mark pulls from the spot, I roll my head back against the headrest to rest my eyes. I take Caroline's hand in mine.


	17. 2008, Meredith (9)

**Happy Halloween, kids! I'm dressed as a bumblebee. And yes, before you ask, I am too old to dress up, but who cares? **

**Thank you all for the incredible messages last chapter! I hope you like this one as well **

* * *

><p><strong>2008, Meredith<strong>

My phone was ringing way, way too early for a summer morning. I'd stayed up too late painting Lexie's nails and waiting for them to dry, and I was exhausted. But my phone was insistently ringing on my nightstand. I pulled the blanket up over my head. _Please go away_, I thought.

Everything went quiet and I rolled over. I had been having a really great dream. I was in college and it was autumn and wherever I was living had leaves that changed color. I was drinking Starbucks and walking from my dorm room to my first class of the day. I was snuggled warmly in a big gray sweater and had on tall brown boots. There were boys playing football on the lawn and girls watching them, despite the early hour. I walked along the street and I saw Derek standing in front of me. He also had a coffee and was wearing a warm sweatshirt. I practically skipped to his side. He held me close and pressed a kiss to my mouth. He made me gasp. I wondered if I could spend my life always feeling this way.

My phone started to ring again. I was going to murder the caller.

I reached for my phone and flipped it open, pulling the blankets up over my head again. "Hello?"

"Are you seriously sleeping right now?" a familiar, irritated voice asked me.

I sighed. "Cristina, it's early."

"It's ten."

"Early."

"You're so lazy. If you still lived here you would've been up two hours ago."

"Lexie kept me up."

"Yeah, like I believe that. You have a boyfriend."

My eyes sprang open. "How do you know that?"

Cristina laughed on the other end of the line, but it was basically humorless. "You talked to me the first day you get there and now, three weeks later—almost a month!—I haven't heard from you. You posted a ridiculously sappy lyric on Facebook and you became friends with two guys two weeks ago: a suspiciously good-looking guy named Mark Sloan and a very friendly-looking guy named Derek Shepherd. So tell me, Meredith Elise Grey, have you and Derek Shepherd sealed the deal."

"How do you know it's Derek?"

"First, because your voice just got higher when you said his name and second, Mark Sloan looks like he eats women alive for breakfast. You're too sweet and caring and shit for him."

"Lexie likes him."

"Of course she does."

I sighed. "I'm sorry I haven't called."

"Eh, I figured you were having a good time so it didn't matter."

"It matters."

Cristina was quiet for a second. "Whatever. Tell me about your boyfriend. And you didn't answer my question: has he deflowered you?"

My cheeks blushed a hot red and I was glad I was hidden beneath my bedding. "No Cristina. We just started dating."

"His profile says he's in college. College guys don't wait."

"Well he is."

"I want details. My life is dry."

"I'm not telling you details."

"Has he at least given you an orgasm?" I bit my lower lip and say nothing, remembering Derek's hands on me. "Your complete lack of reply means yes. Have you given him an orgasm?"

I shook my head. "No."

Cristina made a noise and I couldn't tell if it was a good or bad one. It was hard to judge those sort of things over the phone, which is probably why I ignored the phone as much as possible. I couldn't ignore Cristina though because calling me was proof that she missed me. I missed her too, when I thought about her, but I'd been so busy that I didn't have time to miss her, which made me feel guilty.

"Tell me about him."

I tried to compile everything Cristina needed to know and not just the things I wanted to tell her, like how he moaned a certain way when I kissed his neck or the way he looked at me when we weren't touching, because I could tell he wanted to touch me just by the look in his eyes. I wouldn't tell her any of those things.

"He is in college, up in San Francisco. He's pre-med."

"Fancy," she deadpanned. Cristina was going to school for medicine too once she graduated.

"He has four sisters, but I haven't met any of them. His parents are nice. His dad has a Southern accent. His best friend is Mark and he's basically harmless and he's nice to Lexie."

"None of that is about Derek. What is _he_ like?"

I sighed and it sounded ridiculous. Cristina made a gagging noise. "He's sweet. He's thoughtful and funny. He laughs a lot and is always smiling. He's super smart. Like he memorizes things, just like Lexie, and can repeat them back. You know, like the presidents and pi."

"Impressive." Cristina wasn't impressed.

"Whatever, I like him. And he's a good kisser."

"_Now_ we're getting somewhere. A lot of tongue, too little tongue. Handsy?"

"Cristina, no."

She laughed. I knew she didn't actually want to know. She just wanted me to feel embarrassed. "I'm glad you like him," she said uncharacteristically.

I thought about sitting up and peering across the lawn into Derek's window, but I had to tame my bedhead first. "I do like him. But enough about me, tell me about your life."

"My life is awash with sameness. Same place, same people, same boring town."

"You live in a major metropolitan area. You live in _Seattle_. How can you be bored?"

"Because all it does is rain here. And my mother is driving me crazy. All I wanted was a nice, quiet summer to teach myself surgeries by the book, but no. My mother has decided I'm depressed without you—which isn't fucking true—and we're _redecorating_ my room. Me, redecorating! She wants me to pick out a color palate, and then new bedding, and then terrible drapes and things for my wall. You have to move back here."

I ignored her moving comment, since it wasn't a possibility. "Tell her no."

"Have you met my mother?"

I didn't answer that, either. "So get out more. Pretend to be busy. If you're not around, she can't harass you."

"Genius plan, Meredith, really. Except I already did that and she _followed_ me."

"Then come visit," I said before I'd really thought it through. Not that I didn't want Cristina to visit, but if she was bored in Seattle, she'd hate this small town in the middle of nowhere California. Plus I wasn't really sure I wanted Cristina to meet Derek. She was opinionated.

"Really?"

I paused. Susan and Dad wouldn't care. Lexie would be happy since she looked up to Cristina. I was being stupid. I missed my best friend. "Yes, really."

"When?"

"Whenever. I mean, I'd have to ask my parents, but they won't care."

Cristina paused and then said, "Next week then?"

I smiled. I liked the idea of Cristina being here, even if she'd be complaining by day two about being bored to tears. I'd ask Derek what there was to do around here. Maybe we could all go to the ocean for a day or up to Lake Tahoe. "I'll ask the parentals and get back to you."

"Perfect. Save me from this hell."

"I'll do what I can."

I lazed in bed for another thirty minutes, wondering what I'd do with myself that day. Derek was helping his dad all day and then he and Mark had plans with Owen and some of their other guy friends, so I wasn't invited. I was okay with it because I really hadn't spent any time without Derek since I moved here. I liked that I spent so much time with Derek, but I still didn't feel all that settled. The house was unpacked and already looked lived-in, but my closet was still half in boxes.

Before I dug in, I checked Lexie's room and she was gone. I washed my face quickly and headed downstairs for something to eat before I locked myself in my room all day. Susan was in the kitchen on the phone, papers spread out in front of her. She waved at me and pointed emphatically to the oven. I pulled open the door and found a broccoli quiche. I grinned at her and cut a piece.

"I'd like to have the summer play outside," she said into the phone while I reheated a plate in the microwave. "I understand that, but this is Northern California. It never rains here in the summer." I took a bite, burned my tongue, but didn't care because it was so good. "Yes Leonard, but…no, that's fine. I'll be here. Bye now."

Susan sighed as she hung up the phone.

"Bad time?" I asked and crossed the room to sit across from her anyway.

"They want to host Shakespeare's _A Midsummer Night's Dream_ inside. _Inside_. We have a perfectly beautiful stage in the park, which would make _Dream_ come alive, but no, it may rain."

"It doesn't rain here in the summer."

Susan threw up her hands. "_Thank you!_ I feel like Leonard and Sophia and the rest of the team hired me thinking I was just going to sit back and twiddle my thumbs. They assumed I'd just keep everything the same, but Shakespeare cannot be performed inside when there's an incredible stage outside. Could you imagine how beautiful it would be at seven at night, as the sunset, and the actors took the stage?" She sighed. "I will not back down."

"Don't," I agreed. "They hired you this job."

"Exactly."

"If they have a problem with that, they can fire you."

"Well, I hope they don't go that far. For now it's just a simple disagreement."

I finished my food much too quickly. Susan took the empty plate from my hands and walked over to the oven. "No more," I groaned, petting my full stomach.

She laughed. "Fine, but you need some water. Water keeps you hydrated and it makes your skin sparkle." She set a glass of water in front of me. "Not like you need help in that department," she said kindly, affectionately petting my cheek. I turned away to hide my happy blush. "Now, what's on your agenda today?"

"I'm going to unpack my closet."

"Finally," Susan said with a wave of her hands. "I was wondering when you'd find time."

"I've been busy, sorry."

Susan was now cleaning up, packing away leftovers, wiping down counters and putting the dishes into the dishwasher. I'd try to help, but she always waved me away. "Don't be sorry," she said kindly. "You've been very busy." Her eyes flickered towards the Shepherd's house and I looked that way, too. "Where is Derek today?"

"I won't be seeing him today."

"No?" she glanced at me.

I wondered what Susan really thought of Derek and me. She'd raised me and she was my mom for all intents and purposes, but did she feel worried like my dad or was she rooting for Derek and me? Or maybe it was a mix of both. "He's busy today."

Susan leaned back against the counter and looked at me. "Meredith," she began and I really didn't want the sex talk again. "He likes you."

I couldn't stop the smile that stretched across my face. "He does."

"He's a good guy, right?"

"I think so."

"Good then. I won't pull the mom card on you, because I know your Dad is holding the dad card over your head, but I just want you to be careful."

"I will be, so don't worry."

Susan nodded. "I'm talking about being careful over your heart." I met her gaze. "I'm going to tell you a story you've never heard before." She crossed the room and sat back down across from me, her hands clasped together on the table. "I'm going to tell you about the first boy I loved."

"Uh oh, does it end badly. Is this a cautionary tale?"

Susan shakes her head. "It's not a cautionary tale. My relationship with that boy ended badly, but I met you father, so my story has a happy ending. I'm not trying to scare you with this. I just want to tell you. Can I?"

"Yes."

"When I was fifteen, a new boy started in my school. His name was Rich. He was from Montana and had this little accent." She grinned to herself. "I fell in love with him even before he asked me out. But he did, right around Homecoming. We went together and then we started dating. It was all very innocent, but my emotions were all over the place. He was sweet and funny and he seemed to really like me. We became very serious." She looked at me pointedly. "I really loved him and he loved me. He said so all the time.

"The next school year started and Rich was distant. We'd spent the summer apart. He was in Montana and I was in Seattle and we hardly talked. This was before technology, so you actually had to pick up the telephone or write a letter. He wasn't good with words, so he never wrote me. We only talked on the phone a few times. When the school year stared, he wasn't interested in me. We still hung out some, but for all the big things, he blew me off. He was always too busy. When it ended, he never even properly dumped me. One minute I was with him and the next he was dating another girl. I was heartbroken and depressed. For months and months, I cried.

"I'm not trying to steer you away from Derek," she said with a smile

"It sort of feels like it," I admitted.

Susan reached out and patted my hand. "Rich wasn't a good guy, that's what I'm trying to say. He wasn't ever going to stay with me exclusively. Derek isn't like that. I can tell."

"How?"

"Just trust me. Anyway, everything with Rich doesn't matter now. I met your father, fell in love with him—and you—married and had Lexie. I've had a great life so far with the three of you. I also learned through Facebook that Rich is doing well. He's married and has four kids."

"Ouch," I winced.

"Yes, well he didn't birth them. Stupid men," Susan muttered with a grin. "What I'm trying to say, very poorly unfortunately, is that I want you to be cautious. Derek is your first boyfriend and I worry. Just be careful."

"I will. I swear."

Susan smiled and gently nudged my shoulder as she stood. "Okay then, you're free to go. I won't keep harassing you with blasts from the past. Get out of here. Go unpack."

"Oh, before I forget, can Cristina come visit?" I asked and stood up.

"Of course. We'd love to see her. When?"

I held onto the countertop. "Next week?"

Susan smiled and shook her head. "You two can't be apart for long, can you? Of course she can come next week. Let me know when you have the details, okay?"

"I will. Thanks Susan. For everything."

"You're welcome. Now stop dawdling."

I laughed and then stopped in the doorway of the kitchen. "Where's Lex?"

"Volleyball."

"Again?"

"She loves it."

"She does."

Susan took the one dish towel and whipped it in my direction. "Now, for the love of god, get upstairs."

As soon as I got into my room, I grabbed my phone and lay down on my bed. I had two text messages, one from Cristina and one from Derek. Cristina's said, _Talked to my mom, she doesn't want me to come, but I will anyway. Let me know if it's all clear_. I text her back that it was and checked Derek's message. _Hi there—I hope you're having a good day. I'm going to pop by really quickly tonight before I go out. Will you be home?_

_Yes. Come by whenever_, I texted back.

I could've laid my by phone all day, but Susan would probably kill me if I didn't put all my things away, so I slid down to my floor and started going through the last few boxes. I had unpacked mostly everything and the leftovers had been shoved into my closet. I unpacked some books and my winter clothes, not that I really needed them here, along with my old yearbooks, a box of letters and cards, office supplies, and my old dead laptop I wouldn't give up, but should've probably thrown out. I found a spot at the back of my closet for my winter clothes and hid my yearbooks under some oversized sweaters. I broke down the boxes and put them in the hallway for my dad to take.

After everything was properly put away, I lay down on my bed and stared up at my ceiling. I'd been here for a month now, but my room really never felt like home yet. I guess I didn't spend much time in my room—not as much as I did back in Seattle. But I wasn't upset about it. In fact, I liked that I was always too exhausted at night to really think of this room and how I'd live here for the next two years or longer. I liked being busy, especially if it meant being busy with Derek.

The late morning turned into afternoon and Lexie came home only to leave again with two friends. She popped into my room first and found me reading on my bed.

"Where's your other half?" she teased. I could hear other voices in her room. I was happy she'd made some friends.

"Derek's busy today. He's coming by later."

"So what are you doing?" She was still dressed in her volleyball clothes.

"I'm knitting a sweater," I said sarcastically. "What does it look like I'm doing?"

Lexie rolled her eyes. "No need to be sassy. Tell Derek I said hi."

"I will."

Lexie left a little while later with two blond girls and a stream of perfume following them. I heard them tell Susan they were going to the mall. I rolled my eyes and turned back to my book.

I guess I fell asleep, which was pathetic since I slept so late. I didn't dream, but I felt really good while I was sleeping. My phone woke me up (again, ugh) and I squinted at the screen. I smiled to myself.

"Hi."

"Hi. Are you okay?"

"Yes, why?"

"You sound different."

"I was napping."

He said nothing and then, "Oh. I woke you?"

I stretched along my bed. "A little bit."

"So you're home?"

"Yes."

"I'm coming in."

"In where?"

The line went dead. I sat up and looked across the lawn towards his house. No lights were on anywhere. I couldn't see the street, but I also couldn't see Derek, so I figured he was on his way. I text him, _Where are you?_ but he didn't reply. I slid off of my bed and walked to my bedroom door and when I pulled it open, Derek was standing on the other side. I gasped and then smiled, which he returned.

We kissed and he tasted heady.

"You're here."

He laced his fingers in mine. "Just for a second. Mark and Owen are waiting on me."

I could hear Susan walking around downstairs and I was pretty sure she was pacing just below the stairs, probably making sure no doors where shut and locked. I blushed remembering the last time Derek was in my room. "How was your day?" I asked.

"Long, but it's good now." He tipped my chin up and kissed me again. "So I forgot this was happening," he said between kisses before pulling back to look at me, "but my sister Lizzie is getting married here in three weeks and I want you to come with me."

I felt my face break into a wide grin. "As your date?"

"No, as my cousin," he teased.

I wrinkled my nose. "Yuck."

He laughed and kissed me once more. I never thought I'd grow tired of him kissing me. "Will you go with me?"

"Of course."

Outside a car horn honked. Derek sighed and pulled me into him, hugging me. I was surprised, since we hadn't really hugged before, but it felt so nice, almost as nice as kissing him. I pressed my cheek against his throat and his fingers played with the tips of my hair. He sighed and I closed my eyes, loving feeling his chest pressed to mine, his heart beating against mine. I squeezed his middle and pressed one soft kiss to his neck. Derek pulled back and grinned at me. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

I leaned into him. "Please. I was so bored today."

The car honked again. "I hate them." He leaned down to kiss me. "I hate them. I hate them." He kissed me again and again before finally untangling himself from me. He walked backwards towards the stairs. "One day I won't have to ask if I'll see you tomorrow. One day we'll live together and tomorrow will be inevitable."

I leaned against my door frame. "Really?" I couldn't stop the pounding of my heart in my chest.

"Really, really."

"Well, until then, just assume that you always have tomorrow with me."

Derek paused at the top of the stairs and gripped the banister. He stared at me and I saw a lot of emotions happening at once. I wondered if it was too much, too soon. "Come here," he whispered and I obliged, pushing from the door frame and walking towards him. His fingers swept into my hair and he stared into my eyes. It felt…amazing. He cupped my other cheek with his hand. "I'd love to have every tomorrow with you."

And then he kissed me again. His words were an 'I love you' without really saying it. And I felt it. Oh man did I feel it. I loved him and he loved me and I could've told him right then, but I didn't. I wanted to wait. I wanted to wait until another tomorrow. Because I wanted every tomorrow and I didn't want to scare him away. I wanted tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and I love you could wait until then. I kissed him back as he kissed me and I was pretty sure we kissed until tomorrow.


	18. 2014, Derek (9)

**Hi everyone! A few things: 1) I am delayed on getting back to your wonderful, terrific, phenomenal comments, but I will get back to them very soon! 2) You may notice I am updating about once a week now. I am participating in NaNoWriMo, which is where you write a novel in the month of November (50,000 words, actually). So far I've written almost a fifth of it, but it means I'm not writing this as much. HOWEVER, I do have a bunch of updates banked, so I'm just using those for the time being. 3) I'm not going anywhere and this story will probably be wrapped up by the end of the year. 4) THANK YOU!**

**Onto the update...**

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><p><strong>2014, Derek<strong>

Caroline is long asleep when we pull up in front of Meredith's and Lexie's place. She looks so much like Meredith when she's sleeping, her perfectly pink cheeks, her small, dainty nose. She curls her hands beneath her chin and her light lashes dust her cheeks. I can't stop staring at her. I glance up and Meredith is watching me gaze at Caroline. I grin, having been caught.

"Sometimes," Meredith says quietly, "I just sit in her room and watch her. Not like a weird, sparkly vampire or anything," she smiles and I chuckle. "But I just like to watch her."

I reach down and sweep my fingers through her fine hair. "She's a sight to see, that's for sure."

Meredith nods and sweeps her fingers across Caroline's cheek. "I should get her inside."

"Let me help."

I open my door and turn back to unbuckle Caroline from her seat. Meredith grabs her bag and the one she carried for Caroline while Mark and Lexie begin to remove Lexie and Meredith's things from the back trunk. I take Caroline beneath her armpits and pull her as gently as possible from the car. She sighs and settled against me as I shut the door behind us. She tucks her arms into herself and rests her cheek against my shoulder. I walk around the side of the car and meet Meredith's eyes.

Mark calls my name and I turn. "Should I wait for you?"

I shake my head. "No, I'll stay for a bit." I look at Meredith and she nods.

Mark turns back to Lexie and they share a look. He smiles at her. It warms me.

Meredith and I head up the front walk. "I shouldn't let her sleep much longer or she won't sleep tonight, but the bad mom part of me wants her to stay up so she sleeps late tomorrow." She smiles at me over her shoulder. "I know that's terrible, but—"

"It's not terrible, but it'll probably backfire. She'll be up just as early."

She sighs, "You're most likely right."

We walk into the foyer and I see two suitcases right away. For a second, nothing computes. I stare at the suitcases and then glance at Meredith. Is she going somewhere with Caroline? My mind begins to race. I tighten my arms around Caroline. I cut my gaze to Meredith and she's staring at the suitcases, too, and then she looks at me. Can she really just take Caroline away with no explanation? But then realization hits me like a brick. These aren't Meredith's suitcases.

Meredith reaches forward to take Caroline. "They weren't supposed to be back until eight."

"What are you doing?"

"If they see you, they'll flip."

"So I'm supposed to just hide?"

Meredith shakes her blond hair and grabs Caroline beneath her armpits. "No, but I should be the one to tell them before they see you," she whispers harshly. I release my hold on Caroline and Meredith holds her close. She pushes me by the shoulder towards the door. "I'll tell them and you can come by when the smoke clears. Believe me, Derek, I'm doing this for you."

"I don't mind them seeing me, Meredith."

"You will," she says. "Please Derek, just—"

"Meredith!" Susan calls from the doorway to the kitchen and I know it's her because her voice is as familiar today as it was six years ago. Meredith turns with Caroline in her arms. "Who's your—" her voice cuts off as she meets my eyes. "Oh shit."

I round my shoulders so I don't look as small as her gaze makes me feel. "Hi Susan."

Susan Grey was always nice to me. She always seemed to be on my side that summer—when Thatcher wanted Meredith's curfew to be 9 PM or when he forbid her from going out. Susan stuck up for me. But the look in her eyes right now makes me think she won't be sticking up for me. It also makes me think I probably shouldn't have addressed her so informally.

"Hi Susan," Meredith greets and crosses the living room. "Where's Dad?"

Susan looks away from me. "He's out back looking for you, Caroline, and Lexie at the river." Susan plucks Caroline from Meredith's arms. "I'm surprised to see you, Derek. Didn't you move to the East Coast?" Her voice is casual, but I can tell she probably wants to rip my head off.

"Yes, but I got a job here."

"Hmm," Susan looks at Caroline's sleeping face. "I can put her down for you?"

Meredith shakes her head. "Actually, I was just going to wake her up. She's been napping for too long already."

Susan presses a kiss to Caroline's head. "I'll do that." Her eyes flick to mine. "Will we see you again?" She's dismissed me and judging by her frosty demeanor, it might be best if I don't see Thatcher today.

I look at Meredith and she's watching me for my response. "Yes, you will," I tell Susan, but say to Meredith.

Susan says nothing more and heads upstairs with Caroline. I want to kiss my daughter goodbye and let her know why I've left without saying anything, but I'll come back tomorrow and explain. Maybe when Thatcher and Susan are at work. Meredith crosses the room and I follow her out the front door. The air feels incredible in my lungs, especially since I don't think I've taken a breath since I first saw Susan.

Meredith runs her hands across her face. "She's pissed."

"You think?"

Meredith turns to me. "I've never really seen her like that. She's not mean to anyone."

"She wasn't really _mean_. She was just cold."

"Well she isn't cold to anyone. She's going to tell my father."

I nod, knowing it's true. "I should go then."

Meredith nods and I can't really tell what she's feeling, but I know she's unhappy. "I'll talk to them. Once they know about you coming back and how good you've been with Caroline, then they'll relax."

"And if they don't?"

She shrugs. "You're her father." She says it simply, like that fact is enough to make my position important in our strange family.

I glance towards the driveway and Mark's car and Lexie have disappeared. I wonder if they've gone off together, which is probably the case. "I have to be at the hospital early, but I'm done at a reasonable time, I'll come by after."

"Good. If all else fails and my parents are still pissed, call me when you get home and we'll come to you." She offers me a smile and it makes me feel better. I'm used to her father antagonizing me, so at least that's not any different, but seeing Susan's cold gaze freezes me to the core.

"Thanks for today Meredith. I had a really wonderful time."

She continues to smile, but its shyer. "I did, too. So did Caroline."

"I'm glad."

We share a look, a brief smile, and then I walk down the steps. I'm already thinking of ways to get Meredith's parents on my side—showing them how responsible I've been, letting them see me with Caroline, apologizing until the end of time—but nothing seems good enough. And then I make the mistake of stopping at the top of their driveway and turning back. From around the back of the house, with Lexie trailing behind, comes Thatcher Grey and the man has never looked bigger or more imposing to me.

Meredith practically runs down the steps to stand in front of Thatcher, her hands raised. "Dad, he's leaving."

"Just like before," Thatcher barks and his eyes glare into mine. "What are you doing here?" he asks me.

I walk back down the driveway, reminding myself to stay focused. _Stay focused on why you're here_. _Don't get defensive_. _Don't get angry_. Thatcher looks much older than the last time I saw him while Susan looks the same. His hair is definitely thinning and his eyes look tired. I wonder if he's still teaching and feel badly for having not even asked Meredith before.

Meredith is staring at me as I approach and I watch Lexie walk to the other side of their dad. "I received a job offer here. I'm doing my internship at St. Mary's with Mark Sloan and live at his house. I didn't plan on interrupting your lives," I say honestly. "But now that I know Caroline, I'm planning on staying. On being around. I'm sorry for the past. As I've told Meredith," I glance at her, "I was a stupid kid and there's no excuse. If I had known she was pregnant, I wouldn't have left." I try to sound as sincere as I've ever been, but the dark look in Thatcher's eyes makes me nervous and I'm afraid I sound complacent.

I wait for Thatcher to say something, but he doesn't.

I continue, "I have a one year contract on my internship, but I should be offered a spot to do my residency here. That's another year and then my fellowship. I can stay here for my entire medical training and then take a job in a specialized department. The point I'm trying to make, sir, is I'm planning on being around."

"Planning," Thatcher repeats. "That's a passive word."

I forgot Thatcher is an English professor. Of course, he's notice the passive tense. "Will, then. I will be around."

"So you say, but I can't help but believe you'll stay until it's inconvenient to you. You'll stay while Caroline is cute and adores you, but as soon as life gets too hard, you'll leave again."

"I won't."

Meredith takes her dad's arm. "Come on, Dad, let's go inside. Caroline is probably awake now."

Thatcher shakes free of Meredith. "How could you just let him back into your life? Do you not remember the heartache he caused you? Do you not remember what he put you through? Do you really want to go through that again?"

"It's not like that. Derek and I aren't…together." I look at her just as her eyes dart from mine.

"Oh, so he'll just leave Caroline behind this time. He's done it before."

"That's not fair," Lexie says. "Derek didn't know about Caroline. And he won't do that this time, Daddy. He's sticking around. Plus, he has a contract at the hospital he can't break, so it's not like he can leave," she says with a laugh, but no one joins her.

Thatcher won't look away from me and I can feel his stare in my bones. I deserve the third degree, I understand that, but even insinuating I'd leave Caroline now, after everything, is insane. "I'm not leaving anyone. One mistake made at nineteen doesn't just set me up for a lifetime of errors. I can't change what I did, but I can work towards a good future with this family and I'd like you to try to accept me being around now."

"I won't." Thatcher says immediately. "When you left, you completely broke my daughter."

"No he didn't," Meredith disagrees.

Thatcher glances at his daughter and his expression softens. "You cried for weeks."

Meredith blushes and it's so familiar. "Maybe so, but that wasn't just because of Derek. I was pregnant and scared and didn't know what to do. I was in pain. And yes, I was sad, but that doesn't mean he broke me. No guy can break me." Her shoulders set and she looks beautiful and strong. Her eyes are clear of hatred and fear. She looks more confident, more incredible than I've ever seen before. "Derek's right, he's going to be around and you can either be mad about it, or you can try and be civil."

"Meredith, you're smart, but right now you're acting like a lovesick girl. You're letting him cloud your judgment, again."

"Dad, I'm not a child and Derek isn't clouding anything. Look, I'm not having this conversation with you. If you want to be angry with Derek, go right ahead, but he will be in my daughter's life. I appreciate everything you've done to help me, but you're wrong here. Derek will be around. He will be in Caroline's life. And you're going to miss out on so much if you don't try to accept him."

Thatcher glares at Meredith now, but she doesn't back down. "I'm a big girl. I can make my own decisions."

"You're an adult now, great," Thatcher says unenthused. "But while you live under my roof, I don't want him here."

"Dad," Lexie sighs and I can tell she's as fed up with her father as I am.

"I don't have to live here," Meredith says quickly.

I step towards Meredith and shake my head. "No, don't say that. It's not worth it. We can work around it. I can visit Caroline in the park or you can bring her to Mark's place."

"That's a fine idea," Thatcher says and I hate how smug he sounds.

"The hell it is," Meredith says and turns back to her dad. "You will not keep the father of my child from my child. You can't do this, Dad."

The front door slams shut and I glance over my shoulder to see Caroline running towards us. She sees her grandfather and Thatcher sees her and he kneels down for her. But as she launches herself towards us, it's my legs she wraps her arms around. I glance at Thatcher and I see a vein in his neck begin to pound. Caroline smiles up at me. "Grandma told me you left."

"I'm still here," I say and run my hand over her hair. "But I am leaving."

"No Daddy," she says and squeezes me harder, as if she can keep me rooted in this spot forever.

"Derek needs to go now," Thatcher says and his tone is for me only.

I crouch down in front of Caroline and smile at her. I take both of her little hands in mine. "I'll see you tomorrow. Your mom is going to bring you to my house. Would you like that?"

She nods quickly. "Can I bring my stuffed animals?"

"How many do you have?"

"Fourteen million," she says.

I laugh and nod. "Bring them all. I want to meet them."

Caroline grins. I lean in and kiss her on her nose. She hugs me. I close my eyes and bask for a second before pulling away. I nod at Lexie and smile the best I can. "Thanks for everything, Lexie." I glance at Meredith. "I'll call you a little later on." She nods in return. I stare at Thatcher. "You can be mad at me, but don't take this out on them. I love her," I glance down to Caroline, who's already found something to play with in the grass. "I'm not going anywhere." I glance once more towards the house and I catch Susan's gaze and she doesn't seem as mad. There is such a thing as small miracles.

I walk up the front yard and turn onto the sidewalk. I don't look back. I do glance up at my parents' house as I walk past and wonder how much time and money it would take to make the house livable again. I wonder if my mom would even change her mind about letting me live there. If Thatcher continues to make everything difficult, living next door might be the only way to stay active in Caroline's life.

"Hey," Meredith calls behind me. I stop and she's running along the sidewalk, much to her father's disdain based on the frown on his mouth. "Come by tomorrow."

"But your dad said—"

"I don't care. He's mad and fired up, but tomorrow, after he thinks it through, he'll be okay. He'll cool down."

"It might be best if I'm not around."

Meredith shakes her head. "No it wouldn't. Caroline's young, but she knows something is going on. If you stop coming over, she'll know something's up."

I figure she knows better than I do. "Okay, but I don't want to ruin your relationship with your father and I don't want you and Caroline moving out. Really, I'm not worth it."

"You are. And don't worry about my father. He's harmless mostly. He'll get over it. I just said the moving thing because he doesn't want that. I figured it'd make him back down some."

"Well, either way, we'll figure it out if we have to. I don't have to be around as much."

"But I want you to be around."

I smile at her. "For Caroline, I know, but—"

"Not just for Caroline," she says slowly.

The air crackles around us as Meredith meets my eyes. I expect her to blush or look away, but she doesn't. She holds me gaze. The late afternoon light is brilliant around her, but it pales in comparison to the light in her eyes. She blinks at me and I stare at her. I feel it all, everything I'd been trying to push down the last two weeks. Hell, the last six years. I thought I'd come back and I'd see Meredith from afar with a new boyfriend, or fiancé, or husband, and I'd know she was better off. I wanted that for her. But standing in front of her, I know every feeling I once had for her because they're still alive within me, burning as bright as the sun that radiates from her cheeks.

I think about reaching out to touch her cheek, the perfect landscape of warm, dotted in freckles. I'd like to feel her smile beneath the palm of my hand, her cheek rising to meet my fingertips. I'd like to hold her in my arms, hug her against me. I'd like to kiss her mouth.

I am so in love with her.

I look away before I make a fool of myself. I look at my feet. Meredith shuffles in front of me. "Okay," she says and begins to back away.

"Meredith," I say and she stops. "I want to be around you, too."

The corner of her mouth lifts just an inch, but it looks like one hundred miles to me. She says nothing more and walks off, rejoining her sister and father, before the three of them, plus Caroline—now wrapped in her grandfather's arms—and Susan head back inside. The door shuts and I head home.

Mark is waiting for me in the kitchen. He has a takeout menu in front of him and a beer cracked in his hand. "Do you feel like pizza? I know it's nothing like New York pizza, but I just want something greasy." He looks up at me and straightens. "What's up?"

"Thatcher and Susan were home."

"No."

I sigh and sit down on a barstool in front of the center island. "Can I have one of those?" I nod to the bottle. Mark opens the fridge and sets a bottle before me, uncaps it, and I take a long pull. "They both looked at me like I was gum stuck to their shoes."

"Even Susan?"

I nod. "I know I deserve it, what I did was awful, but now Thatcher is telling me I can't come around and Meredith is saying she'll move if he bans me from the house. And then Caroline comes running out of the house and goes right to me, even though she hasn't seen her grandfather in two weeks."

"I'm guessing Thatcher wasn't a fan of that," Mark says and takes a sip of his beer.

"No, definitely not."

Mark leans back against the countertop. "Everything is pretty fucked up, isn't it?"

I nod and then remember the moment I had with Meredith. The moment when I was able to imagine possibly being with her. Where maybe she'd let me be with her again. The moment is bright and sunny in my mind, which helps quell the acid pooling in my stomach from Thatcher's outburst. "Somethings aren't too bad." I glance at Mark. "Like Caroline." I grin.

Mark nods. "Cheers to that." He takes another sip of beer. "And Meredith," he adds knowingly.

I don't say anything. I just take a long pull of beer and stand up. "Don't order pizza. It sucks out here. Let's go for tacos at that stand right off the highway."

"Pete's?" Mark brightens.

"I'll drive." I grab my keys and Mark follows.

We drive the five miles mostly in silence and I can only assume Mark's mind is where mine is, at that house just three blocks away, where two amazing, confusing, beautiful women live and a bright, intelligent, gorgeous little girl, who is beginning to feel like the glue to bring us all together. I can tell by the way Mark's mouth is set that he's thinking back to the summer we met the Grey girls, when life was as carefree as it needed to be and loving those girls was enough to make our summer interesting and fun and memorable. We never talked about that summer after it passed, so we dream about it. We remember moments like scenes in a movie, pausing when Meredith smiled (for me) and when Lexie held her hand out for Mark to take. It's easy to get lost in the Grey girls, which seems more and more apparent each day I spend around them.


	19. 2008, Meredith (10)

**Thank you a million times over for being really sweet and sending me lovely messages, reviewing, and just being the best. I hope you like this next, very long part!**

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><p><strong>2008, Meredith<strong>

Cristina arrived the following week and Susan drove me to the airport to pick her up. I was going to ask Derek if he'd drive me, because I knew he'd say yes, but I decided against it. Cristina had always been a force of nature and she was used to being my number one, but with Derek around, the lines were fuzzier and I didn't want her to feel left out. Plus, Susan really liked Cristina and wanted to see her before I whisked her away during a week of adventures.

I didn't have a lot planned (because I still had no idea what to do around here), but when I told Cristina that, she said she didn't mind. "I just want to be far away from the reaches of my mother," she had told me on the phone when everything was set in stone. Her flight was due to arrive in just a few minutes and she'd be staying with us for eight days. Lexie was excited, although she wouldn't let me know really. Lexie liked Cristina a lot and Cristina pretended to hate my little sister, but I knew she liked her, too.

The airport was busy, so Susan had to park far away. As we walked, I checked my phone for any sign of Cristina, but she was still landing. Derek had text me, though. _Party at Mark's tonight, you in? Bring Cristina. Also, it's a beach-themed party, so wear a bikini_.

I rolled my eyes and text him back: _Are you sure you're not trying to just get me in a bikini again?_

He text back a winky face.

Susan and I waited by Cristina's gate. I was too excited to sit so I stood. Susan was knitting. "You know," she said as I made another pass in front of her, "knitting is good for surgical dexterity." She looked up at me over wire-rimmed glasses. "If you wanted to be a surgeon."

I shrugged. I didn't really know what I wanted.

"What do you like?"

I stopped pacing. "What do you mean?"

Susan smiled kindly at me. She was always so much better at these big talks than my dad, not like I really wanted to have a big talk standing in the middle of an airport. "Well, you should figure out what you like. Or better yet, what you don't like. If you don't like working with people, being a doctor might not be such a good idea."

"Why would I want to be a doctor?"

"To follow in your mother's footsteps."

I hated when Susan didn't act like she was my mother. Sure, I called her Susan instead of mom, but I always had. But she acted like my mom and I treated her like my mom, so she was. I didn't even know Ellis Grey. "I don't think I want to be like her," I said and I didn't. She didn't seem like a very nice person.

"You have time to figure it out," Susan nodded. "In the meantime, we could go look at some schools," she said hopefully. "Maybe if you know where you want to be, it'll be easier to choose what you want to be."

"Isn't it early to look at schools?"

"No, it's never too early."

A flood of people rushed from Cristina's gate, which was the perfect excuse to stop talking about my wishy-washy future. I stood on my tip-toes and stared through the crowd, trying to find Cristina's familiar jet black curly hair. Susan stood up too, standing beside me with her knitting now tucked away in her knitting bag. Everyone coming from Seattle looked happy to be in sunny Northern California, although this was Seattle's high season. The rainy season would be showing up in just a couple of weeks.

After a minute, I was anxious. What is she didn't get on the plane? What if she was being held for some reason? What if—and then Cristina stepped out behind a larger man with a grin on her face. Cristina's grins were few and far between, but whenever I saw one, I knew she was really, truly happy, which meant she couldn't mask her feelings.

As soon as Cristina was through security, I rushed to her and hugged her, even though I knew she didn't like hugging. Surprisingly, she hugged me tightly back. "You look like shit," she told me.

I laughed. "No I don't."

We pulled away and Cristina allowed Susan to hug her. "How are your parents?" Susan always referred to Cristina's stepfather as her parent even though she was older when her mom remarried. I wondered if it had to do with the fact that Susan was a stepparent, too.

"They're good, driving me crazy, but good."

"Wonderful. Come on girls," Susan put her arms around our shoulders, "let's get out of this stuffy airport."

Susan let Cristina and I sit in the back even though she hated when she taxied people around. Cristina had a million questions, most of them about Derek, but I only answered a few. Susan was watching from the rearview mirror, a smile on her face the entire time. I pushed back and asked Cristina about our old friends, of whom I hadn't heard anything from since I moved. "Alex is Alex," she said. "I haven't seen much of him. He's been rolling around with sweaty guys." She rolled her eyes, always finding Alex's love of wrestling as disturbing as anything. "Everyone else is the same. I don't know, I've been hiding out."

"You should call Alex to hang out."

"Why?"

"Because you're friends."

Cristina shrugged. The truth of the matter was, she really didn't have friends besides me. I wasn't being mean or judgmental, it was positively the truth and Cristina knew it. She didn't get along with a lot of people, which is why I was nervous for her to meet Derek. He was sweet and kind and friends with everyone and Cristina was his opposite in every way. Mark and Cristina, on the other hand, would probably get along really well.

But it made me nervous leaving Cristina all alone in Seattle. It already sounded like she wasn't spending time with anyone and I didn't want her to burn all her bridges with our friends, even if they weren't being particularly good friends to me. (However, it wasn't like I was calling them, either.) "Just call Alex. Didn't you take up jogging? Ask him to jog with you."

Cristina rolled her eyes, but agreed.

We pulled off the highway and Susan drove down Main Street even though it was busy with traffic so Cristina could see my new town. "Jesus, this is like _Leave It to Beaver_."

Susan laughed, "A little bit. Everyone is very neighborly." She met my eyes in the mirror and I could tell she was grinning.

"Do you have like block parties and yard sales where everyone shows up?" At that moment, we drove past a yard sale. "Oh god, you do."

"We don't have block parties, though."

"Actually," Susan said, "the block behind us is having one next weekend."

"I guess we're not in Seattle anymore," Cristina said and we pulled into our driveway.

Cristina was the first out of the car and stared up at the house. Our house in Seattle was big, but compact. You wouldn't know from the street how big the rooms were or the nice yard, but this house lays it all out. Cristina's eyes go wide. "How many families live here?"

Susan laughed and grabbed Cristina's suitcase from the trunk. "Thatcher always wanted a big house."

"Well, some dreams do come true."

We walked inside and I gave Cristina the tour. Lexie was at one of her friend's houses and wouldn't be back until the next day, but Dad was home and he greeted Cristina with a firm handshake. Cristina liked my dad because he was reserved around people, much like her, and he didn't go for the hug like Susan. They exchanged pleasantries and then Dad carried Cristina's suitcase upstairs. We followed so I could show my room off.

As soon as Dad had left, Cristina plopped down on my bed. "So spill."

I sat down beside her. "Spill what?"

"Do not play dumb with me, Meredith Grey. You have stars in your eyes and birds probably dressed you this morning. You're all a tizzy with love and romance. It's gross."

I couldn't help but smile. "It's not gross." I picked at my bedspread.

"Yes it is. When do I get to meet him?"

"Tonight. His friend Mark is throwing a party and I think we should go."

Cristina looked at my ceiling. "I need to have sex," she announced.

"What?"

"I haven't had sex since that first time with he-who-shall-not-be-named, so I need to have sex."

"You're going to have sex at Mark's party?"

"Aren't you?"she asked.

I shook my head. "No, we're not…yet."

"Wow, he must really like you. He's in college, after all and you've been dating for what, a month?"

I shrugged because it didn't really feel like I was holding Derek back. He seemed to be okay with our pacing. "He does like me and we're not in a rush. He invited me to his sister's wedding," I added, so maybe Cristina would realize how serious I was about him and him me.

"Fancy. When is it?"

"Two weeks. I'm going to meet all his sisters. Apparently they're pretty judgmental."

"Great. Drink a lot before."

I rolled my eyes since Cristina's solution was always to just drink a lot. That's how she ended up sleeping with he-who-shall-not-be-named, who I was pretty sure was this guy Cliff we went to school with. He was a big, meaty, dumb jock, but something he said must have won Cristina over because everyone saw the two of them coming out of the woods after a bonfire. Cliff bragged all night about bagging the "token Asian" (even though we lived in Seattle and like half the population of our class was Asian) and told everyone how he popped her cherry. Cristina denied it to everyone, but admitted it to me. She said he didn't take advantage of her or anything, she knew what she was doing, but she still didn't seem happy about it. Plus, Cliff lasted like 45 seconds, which meant Cristina barely registered she was having sex before he finished.

Cristina had been better since then and while I wanted her to find some guy she actually liked to have sex with this time around, I was weary to even have her around Mark and some of the other guys they hung around with. Especially if she was drinking.

I didn't say anything because I didn't want to ruin our time together.

In the late afternoon, Lexie came home and walked into my room. Cristina and I had been binge-watching _The West Wing_, which was Cristina's favorite show. "Lexbian," Cristina said fondly, which had been her nickname for as long as I could remember.

"Tina," Lexie practically sneered. They liked each other, really, but there was always this weird sisterly thing between them, where they pretended to hate each other. Plus, Cristina hated being called Tina. "I'm going to the river," she said to me. "You guys want to come?"

Cristina hated the outdoors, but she nodded.

We all changed into our bathing suits and grabbed some towels and headed to the river. It was miserably hot out, the worst kind of heavy heat that you could taste at the back of your throat, so as soon as we reached the cool river, we all climbed in. I was careful as I waded through the water, making sure to not get caught on a large stone, or stick, or anything else that might drown me. Lexie decided to tell my story of meeting Derek and him rescuing me right at that moment. I just glared at her across the water.

The afternoon was spent so nicely in the water. Cristina and Lexie continued to tease each other and I mediated and it sort of felt like we were still in Seattle. Not that I wanted to be in Seattle, but I wanted Cristina closer. She planned on going to college at Stanford, so I figured we'd be in the same state (although Stanford was about as far away from me now as Seattle was).

Susan called us later on for dinner and we wrapped ourselves in towels and headed inside. She made black bean burgers and spicy fries, just like Cristina liked and we ate in our bikinis at the picnic table in the back. Dad asked Cristina about the job she'd taken as a candy striper at the hospital, which she seemed to like (even though she hated the stupid outfit). "I get to see people brought into the ER covered in blood. Seriously Mer, it's the coolest."

I took a bite of food so I wouldn't have to respond. Cristina knew she wanted to be a surgeon, but I was still unsure.

"Maybe we can save the blood and gore talk for dessert?" Susan so kindly suggested. I shot her a thankful look.

We didn't talk about the hospital over dessert because Lexie was too busy telling us all about volleyball and the girls on her team. "Sophia is from Laguna Beach, but her dad lost all his money, so they had to move here. And Bridget's mom cheated on her dad and is now living with her twenty-year-old boyfriend and he never wears a shirt."

"Lexie, this really isn't dessert conversation," Susan scolded.

Dad nodded. "Honestly Lexie, maybe we shouldn't let you go to volleyball practice any longer. And haven't you been spending a lot of time at Bridget's house?"

Lexie went red and Cristina and I had to choke back our laughter. Susan and Dad cut us a look.

"She has a really good trampoline," Lexie defended.

"Does the twenty-year-old bounce on it?" Cristina asked.

Dad's eyes narrowed and Susan bit her lip to keep from smiling to herself. "I think we're done here," Dad said and I knew he was a little bit mad, but not really.

We cleaned up from dessert and Cristina and I headed upstairs to get ready. Derek had been texting me off and on all day and his last text said: _I'll come pick you both up at 8. I've warned Mark to keep his hands to himself_. I'd answered: _Please do. Lexie would be devastated if something happened between C and M._ Cristina changed in the bathroom while I changed in my room, very conscious of the fact that my blinds were open and I could see right into Derek's room. He wasn't there, but I sort of liked the idea of him seeing me from afar as I changed. The thought made me blush.

When Cristina came out of the bathroom, she was wearing jeans, a white tee-shirt, and a leather jacket even though it was scorching out. Her bikini was hidden beneath. I picked out a pair of jean shorts, a dark purple tank top over my favorite purple bikini, and decided to wear my hair in a ponytail. I had Cristina put on eyeliner for me and we both wore mascara. Around eight, I heard the screen door slam next door and I knew Derek was crossing the lawn. I smiled and Cristina rolled her eyes.

Dad already had the door open and Derek was standing in the house. He grinned up at me. He looked good in a dark green tee-shirt and some board shorts which actually looked like regular shorts. "Hi," I said to him.

He leaned in and kissed my cheek. "Hi," he whispered into my ear. I had to hide the fact that his voice on my skin majorly, majorly turned me on. My dad was staring at us.

"Your curfew is eleven."

I smiled wide. He was being generous. "Thanks Dad."

Cristina stepped out from behind me and looked at Derek. She was assessing him. "You're taller than I thought," she said.

"Thank you?" he asked and grinned. "Nice to meet you, Cristina."

"Yeah, you too." She said, which surprised me.

"We should go. I'll have them home by eleven, sir."

Dad made some kind of gruff noise and the three of us left. Cristina walked ahead of Derek and me even though she didn't know where to go. She paused at the top of the driveway. Derek wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me to him. I looked up and we grinned at each other. "Hi," he repeated.

"Hi," I whispered as his lips pressed to mine.

We didn't even kiss for that long, 10 seconds, maybe, and Cristina was making gagging noises. "You're both the worst. Where is this party? I need alcohol."

Derek laughed and led the way. "Meredith tells me you're going to be a surgeon."

"Cardiothoracic surgeon," she corrected.

"Wow," Derek said, clearly impressed. "I have no idea what specialty I want to persue."

"You don't?" she asked and glanced at him.

He shook his head. "Not yet. They frown upon that at my school."

Cristina nodded slowly. "Sounds like a soft school."

"I wouldn't go that far," Derek teased and squeezed me against him.

Mark's party was as loud as his last one. I had no idea how it got away with it since his neighbors lived so close, but maybe he offered one of his big smiles and a 12 pack of beer. Either way, mostly everyone was outside at this party, surrounding the fire with red Solo cups in hand and smiles on their faces. I could see Mark through the crowd, talking to a tall blond girl who whispered into his ear to talk. Mark looked up and saw us and broke into a huge grin.

Derek, Cristina, and I headed in Mark's direction. I could see him checking out Cristina and I really just wanted to punch him in the face. Why couldn't he just, for once, not check out someone I know?

"My people have arrived!" he yelled and pulled all three of us into an awkward hug. As he pulled away he grinned at Cristina. I could see why a girl would fall for Mark with his easy charm and his great smile, but luckily for Cristina, she wasn't so susceptible. "Who are you?"

"The girl who won't be sleeping with you tonight."

Derek laughed loudly and nodded at Cristina. "She's smart."

Mark frowned and finished his drink. "Don't worry, everyone says that and everyone comes back."

"Keep dreaming. Now, get me a drink."

For a second I thought he'd refuse, but Mark went off and started pouring another beer. Derek and I walked hand-in-hand to the keg and took the cups Mark offered. I wasn't much of a drinker, but I liked the atmosphere around us, so I decided to have a beer. Mark handed Cristina her beer and gave her a look. She turned away from him. Mark looked dejected for a second, but then the blond girl came back and he was occupied again.

"So why do we hang out with him?" Cristina asked over the music.

Derek shrugged. "I've been friends with him forever. Plus, he's actually a good guy."

Cristina shrugged. "Whatever. I'm going to mingle."

"Mingle?" I asked. "You hate mingling at parties."

"Parties where I know the people. No one knows me here. Plus, you two look like you might explode from sexual tension if you don't start making out soon and I don't want to be around to witness that. I won't go far," Cristina said and headed off.

After Cristina headed off, Derek turned to me and wraped his one free arm around my back. "I like her."

"You barely know her."

"So? I'm a good judge of character. I like her."

"She probably doesn't like you."

"I don't care. _You_ like me."

I grinned up at him and wrapped both my arms around the back of his neck. "I do like you."

Derek leaned down and kissed me just a bit before reaching down to thread his fingers with mine. "Do you want to mingle with me or do you want to go inside?"

"What's inside?" I asked, even though I knew the answer.

Derek leaned down again and kissed me harder this time. I gasped against his lips as he drew me tightly into him. His hand was splayed along my spine and his fingers moved down, very slowly, until he was touching my butt. I held tightly to him, opening my mouth. We kissed for a few minutes before he pulled away some. "That," he whispered.

"Inside," I said against his lips.

We pushed past the people and made it inside, which had just a few people sitting around the living room. Luckily, the staircase upstairs was on the other side of the house, because I was pretty sure I would've burst into flames of embarrassment if anyone saw us running upstairs. Derek walked down the hallway and opened a door which must've been a guest bedroom. He shut the door behind us and locked it. I felt nervous.

Derek took my beer from my hand and set it down on the dresser before turning on the lamp there. The room was washed in soft light. Derek stood in front of me. "We're not having sex," he said honestly.

"We're not?"

He shook his head. "Not here. Not now. I don't want you to think I expected that from you, or anything from you, but I know how this looks. I just wanted to be alone with you. If you want to go back downstairs—"

I stood up on my toes and kissed him. "I said I wanted to come inside with you."

Derek grinned at me. "Okay."

"Okay, so makeout with me."

Derek laughed and threaded his fingers through my hair, "Yes ma'am."

We made out standing up and then sitting down and then laying down. Derek pulled me against his chest and wrapped his arms around my back as we kissed. I touched his back, feeling the way his muscles moved beneath my palm. I kissed his jaw and then this neck, exploring him more than I normally would. Derek made a really sexy sound when I kissed beneath his ear, so I did it again on the other side with the same result. It made my stomach flip.

Derek also kissed my neck, which made my eyes roll back in my head. He held himself above me and kissed along my tank top straps until he reached the top of my tank top. I met his eyes as my fingers searched beneath his shirt and a second later, he'd removed it. I stared at his skin, which was pale, but defined. He had a little bit of chest hair between his pecs and I leaned forward to kiss him there. Derek groaned again and I smiled, lying back against the pillows.

He lay on top of me and I felt him. He was turned on and it felt incredible to know that was because of me. I pulled my shirt up and over my head; my bikini top was kind of revealing and Derek's eyes were immediately on my chest. He leaned down and kissed me softly before removing my top.

We made out like that for a long time, with our chests touching, our hands wandering, and our minds clouded by the feeling. At least my mind was clouded, and frantic, and excited. I wanted more of him. I wanted all of him. I couldn't help but think of him pressing into my thigh and I wondered what would happen if I touched him. When he had touched me, it felt amazing, and I wanted to give that to him. But my hands were shaky and I was nervous. I swallowed as he kissed my chest and I couldn't fight the fear and the dryness of my mouth.

I thought about it and kept thinking about it and eventually Derek sat up on his heels. "Are you okay?" he asked. I must've been acting spacey. I nodded. He stared at me. "Meredith, I—"

"I want to touch you," I blurted out and immediately covered my face with my hands.

Derek leaned forward and took both of my hands carefully from my face. "Hey, don't hide."

"I'm really embarrassed," I admitted, my eyes screwed shut.

Derek's mouth touched my cheek and I opened my eyes. "Don't be embarrassed," he said and he was smiling differently than before. It warmed me. "You can do anything you want to do, but you don't have to do anything."

"I want to," I whispered.

He swallowed and I watched his Adam's apple move beneath his skin. "What do you want to do?"

I knew what I wanted to do, but I also knew I didn't want him watching me when I did. I'd lose any amount of confidence I was clinging to. "Can you turn out the light? Do you mind?"

Derek shook his head. "I don't mind." He got up from the bed and turned the light out so the room was plunged into darkness. For a second, I couldn't see anything and then I felt Derek climb back onto the bed. Immediately I realized this was probably worse. All my senses were heightened. I could hear my own ragged breath louder, and my hands were so much shakier. Derek was right beside me and I could feel the heat of his body on my skin.

"Meredith," he whispered and I found his hand.

"Lie down," I said.

I was pretty sure I felt him shiver. Derek was lying on the bed when I reached for his jshorts. I'd wished I'd kept the light on for this part because it was hard unbuttoning and unzipping someone else's clothes. Derek helped me without saying a word. He was still hard, so at least I hadn't ruined the moment with my freak out. My hands were still shaking and I couldn't stop them, but I reached for him anyway. Derek hissed when I found him with my hands. I didn't know what to do, not really, but I figured I couldn't really do anything wrong. I pulled his boxers down enough for him to spring free and then I grasped him. I could see, barely, in the light from the fire downstairs, and Derek looked big. I had no frame of reference, but it seemed big.

For a few minutes, I just moved my hands up and down and he seemed to like that. He made these little noises and I smiled to myself. He fisted the sheets in his hands. The darkness made me bolder. I leaned forward and licked him and I knew I felt him shiver this time. I had no idea what I was doing, but for the next few minutes, I did it. Derek was encouraging. He whispered when he really liked something, so I knew to do it again, and he made those noises and I knew he really, _really_ liked something, so I did that twice as much. It felt nice to have someone who would teach me. I was always afraid the first guy I gave a blowjob to would be rough and bark instructions at me, but Derek was sweet.

Derek warned me that he was going to finish, so I just used my hands. He gasped and I felt him come. I kept moving my hand until it seemed like I should stop. "Amazing," Derek muttered and I felt so happy and strangely proud. I got up from the bed because my hand was a mess and found the en suite bathroom. I rinsed my hand and brought back some tissue for Derek. He was sitting up now and I could almost make out his grin. He wiped down his chest and walked into the bathroom to toss the tissue away. When he returned, he still didn't have his shirt on, but his shorts were now buttoned. He climbed up onto the bed next to me and crushed his lips to mine. "Thank you," he muttered.

"It was okay?"

"Fucking incredible," he said and I don't think the smile left my mouth all night.

After we redressed, we joined the party downstairs. Mark was beyond drunk, so we went to find Cristina. I checked around the fire, the people sitting inside, even the front porch and I couldn't find her anywhere. And then when we walked along the side of the house, I saw her there pressed against the wall. Then I saw a flash of red hair as the guy she was with kissed her neck. "Owen," Derek whispered in my ear. He took my hand and squeezed it. "Let's wait for her by the fire. We still have about twenty minutes until we need to leave to make your curfew."

We did wait by the fire and Derek kept his arm around me the whole time. It felt good to be held by him, especially after what we just experienced together. I knew Derek had had sex before I knew he'd probably had a blowjob before, but never by me. He kept kissing me and touching me and if possible, he was more affectionate than ever.

Cristina found us with five minutes to spare and plopped down besides Derek. "Owen," she said with a grin.

Derek laughed. "He's a good guy."

"Yes, he is," she said pointedly and both Derek and I laughed. "What have you two been up to?" Derek grinned at me. I couldn't help but smile at him. "Oh gross," Cristina groaned. "Let's get home before Thatcher comes looking for Meredith and finds her partaking in adolescent debauchery."

The three of us walked back together and it felt like the perfect night. Cristina and Derek were actually chatting, holding an entire conversation, and I listened, happy that they were getting along. The music was blaring behind us, but as we reached Canyon Circle, the quiet night fell around us. We walked slowly and I tipped my head up to watch the stars for just a second. As we reached the house, Derek said goodnight to Cristina again and kissed me soundly. He couldn't stop smiling either. We walked inside and I paused at the door to watch Derek. He was headed back to Mark's and he stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. I couldn't see his eyes, but I knew he was looking at me. I smiled at him for a long minute and then shut the door.


	20. 2014, Derek (10)

**I can't believe this story has made it to 20 chapters already! I am so excited about this chapter and the next few and I think you'll really like them as well. I've received such beautiful messages from the last two chapters - so thank you all so much! I'm going to be responding today to every review from last week.**

**Happy Monday!**

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><p><strong>2014, Derek<strong>

I can't stop thinking of my less-than-warm-welcoming from Thatcher and Susan the day before. Of course I completely understand where he's coming from, what I did was horrible, but it's also been forgiven by Meredith and that should be enough. But it's not enough. The rational part of me knows I have to make it up to Thatcher and Susan as well, but the irrational part wants me to say "screw you" to Meredith's parents; Meredith's accepted my apology, I don't need their forgiveness. I decide to have a healthy balance of the two—apologize again to the Greys, but also know that they don't have to approve of me. I will be Caroline's dad for the rest of my life.

I step onto the elevator after a quick shower at the hospital and press the button for the ground floor. There are two nurses in the elevator with me. I watch the numbers and try not to think about Thatcher tarring and feathering me when he sees me. I've tried to dress the part of a responsible adult, a collared shirt and all, but I'm guessing what I wear will have no affect on Thatcher.

The elevator stops at the third floor and another nurse steps on. "Doctor Shepherd," she greets.

I glance at her. She looks familiar.

"Erica," she points to herself. "I was in that eighteen-hour surgery you assisted with on Tuesday."

I nod. "Right." I offer her a smile. "Nice to see you again."

"It's probably the face mask. When you can't see someone's mouth, it's hard to distinguish them. I knew you were you because of your eyes." I glance at her. "They're really blue."

"Right, well, yeah. Thanks."

"You don't really hang out with anyone but Sloan. You two live together?" she asks.

"Yes." She stares at me. "Oh, but we're not gay. Just friends."

Nurse Erica smiles slowly. "What a relief. You're both too attractive to be gay."

"I'm not sure that's how that works."

She laughs. "Probably not, but it is good for me."

"How so?" This is the longest elevator ride ever.

"Well, when I ask you out, you can't say no."

The nurses behind us laugh a little and I'm too afraid to look at them because this is embarrassing enough. Nurse Erica is looking at me, but I'm looking at the numbers as we reach the first floor. I don't have any interest in dating Nurse Erica. As the door opens, the other two nurses step out. I hold the door open and look at Erica. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to say no."

"Oh. Okay."

"I'm flattered, really, but I'm sort of seeing someone." I smile to myself because as soon as I say the words, I think of Caroline. Truth be told, she has most of my waking thoughts, most of my happiness, and she was the last person to kiss my cheek.

"Well, it doesn't hurt to try, right?"

"No, it doesn't. Goodnight Erica."

"Goodnight Doctor Shepherd."

I drive home and park at Mark's. He's home and I offer him a quick greeting before heading off towards Meredith's. It's after seven, so Caroline's probably had dinner and is now coloring or spending time with her grandparents. I thought about calling Meredith earlier to see if she thought it was still a good idea for me to visit, but I was so busy at work. I decide if she didn't contact me, that means we're still home free.

The front and back yards are quiet as I walk up the steps. Inside I can hear a TV on. I knock on the door and wait nervously, much like how I felt when I was first about to meet Caroline. The door opens a few seconds later and I'm so relieved to see Meredith standing before me. She smiles and steps onto the porch in front of me, her hand on the doorknob behind her back. "Hey."

"Hi," I greet. "How are you?"

She shrugs. "Good, I guess. My dad's still being difficult."

"Should I go?"

"No, definitely not. Caroline's excited to see you. I was thinking we could be out of the house, though, if that's okay. I hate all this sneaking around, but Dad's still pretty pissed off at you, and me, and Lexie, and I really just need a break. Maybe we could go to your house?" she asks hopefully.

I shake my head. "I have a better idea. Let's go to the river."

Meredith's mouth turns up into a grin. Her shoulders relax. "I'd love that. We'll meet you out back in a few minutes, okay?"

I nod and head off the deck and around the side of the house. I notice Thatcher is sitting in his office as I pass the window. He stares through the glass down at me and I feel infinitely small. He always made me nervous before, but now that I've given him a reason to hate me, he feels so, so much bigger and intimidating. I wait by the back steps for Meredith and Caroline. It's definitely been a hot day, so visiting the river will help take the edge off before settling Caroline down for the evening.

The sun is lowering behind the tree line along the edge of the Grey's property, which always creates the most beautiful light in the woods around the river. I wish I'd brought my phone so I could take a picture of Caroline playing in the light. I don't have a single picture of her yet.

The back door opens and I turn to grin at Caroline, but I find Susan standing near the door instead. My grin turns sour. "Oh, hi."

Susan walks down the steps and stands before me. She studies my face. "Hi Derek." I don't know what to say, so I just stand there. "I asked Meredith to tell me about your return. She says you've been very open and that Caroline really likes you."

"I love her. Caroline," I clarify.

Susan smiles softly and I can almost see the woman who liked me a lot six years ago. "I can tell you do and I can tell Caroline loves you, too. I know I only knew you for a few months," she says and it sounds like a bit of a burn, "but I'd like to think I knew you well enough to say Caroline's very much like you. She's very personable. She's very funny. She likes to make people feel good. I think she got those qualities from you."

I swallow thickly. "Thank you for saying that."

"I'm not happy that you left, Derek, but I know you being back is good for both of them. Caroline's never really known your absence, but Meredith has for a long time now and having you back is good for her. But I want to impress upon you the importance of you not leaving again."

"I won't."

"I want to believe you, Derek, but it's pretty impossible with your track record." My cheeks burn beneath her accusation; once again, I'm ashamed of my actions. "You cannot just up and leave them, especially Caroline. It'll devastate her."

I nod slowly. "Yes, I understand and I won't be leaving. I can't leave again."

"I always liked you, Derek. I look forward to feeling that way towards you again."

The small hand she's given me makes me feel infinitely better. Being forgiven by Meredith has felt great, but knowing at least both of her parents don't _hate_ me, is a blessing. Hopefully Susan will calm Thatcher down too so he'll just minorly disapprove of me and not all out hate me.

The back door swings open and Caroline comes bounding out. "Daddy!" she yells and launches herself at my legs. I pick her up and hug her. I smile at Meredith over Caroline's shoulder. "Did you know the reason monkeys can't talk like us is because their vocal cords are alllllllll the way up in their throat like babies? But babies' vocal cords move down as they get bigger, but monkeys' don't, so they can't talk."

"Well that's good. I wouldn't want to see a talking monkey."

Caroline grabs my ears and makes them stick out on the side of my head. "Puff your cheeks," she says, and does it herself. She then makes a monkey noise. I puff out my cheeks and make the noise back before tickling her sides. She screeches.

"You're a little monkey," I say and she giggles and squirms until she's on the ground running away from me and into the backyard.

I'm about to run after her when I see Meredith run past me, chasing Caroline from the Grey's yard to my family's former yard. Meredith gets close and Caroline darts the other way. They both have the biggest grins on their faces, which makes me grin. I glance at Susan and she nods. "I'll talk to Thatcher. If he saw this, he wouldn't be so hard on you."

"I don't mind him being hard on me," I admit. "I just wish he wouldn't be so hard on Meredith."

"It's been hard for him."

"It's been harder for her."

Susan nods again and reaches forward to squeeze my shoulder. "I knew you were going to change her life. I just didn't know you'd give her someone as amazing as Caroline." Without another word, Caroline heads inside, leaving me with her kind words and warm smile.

"Derek!" Meredith shouts from my old yard. She nods towards the stream. "Come on."

The three of us head into the forest with Caroline's hands in both of ours. We pick her up and swing her as we walk, which makes her laugh and beg us to do it again. We walk into the quiet of the forest and Caroline heads out in front of us. She's picking up everything, collecting things in her pockets and hands. "Stay close, baby," Meredith says and Caroline listens. "What did Susan say to you?"

"She just wanted to make sure I wasn't going to leave again." Meredith nods. "I told her I wouldn't. I couldn't now."

"Good."

"Yeah."

Caroline runs up to us with a bunch of twigs and leaves in her hands. "For you, Mommy."

Meredith takes them gladly and presses the bouquet to her nose. "Mmm, beautiful!"

Caroline hands me a rock. "Because you skip them really good."

I palm the rock and smile. "Thank you, Caroline."

She heads off again, walking down along the river. She throws things into the river and turns to look at us for approval, which we give. Meredith is quiet besides me and I can't stop thinking about last night, when she said _she_ wanted me to be around. I can't help but wonder what it means for us. We've yet to really discuss our relationship, but it needs to be discussed, especially now that Thatcher and Susan are back and it seems like they'll at least accept me.

I know now is not the time to bring it up, but something about the silence of this forest and the way we've always been so open in the quiet here makes me want to say something. But I don't.

We reach my favorite part of the river, this little outcropping of trees we found the day Meredith, Lexie, Mark, and I were hiding from the parental barbecue, so I call Caroline back. She comes trudging through the leaves. I squat down to be at her level and I point towards the trees due West. "Look through those two big trees. Do you see the sun peeking through?"

She nods.

"If you watch that spot, the sun will perfectly line up between the trees and all you'll see are the rays of sunlight without hurting your eyes. Just watch," I say softly.

For the next few minutes, the three of us are quiet while the sun slowly slips through the trees. I look at Meredith, who is now standing behind us and she's grinning to herself, probably remembering the day I instructed her to look through the trees. She meets my eyes and her grin grows. She looks away and stares back at the sun. Caroline leans against me, her small shoulders pressed against my chest. She barely blinks, her eyes straining to see the magic.

"Here it comes," I whisper and just a few seconds later, the sun lines up perfect. "Make a wish."

Caroline stares and stares and then closes her eyes, probably making her wish. I close my eyes, too. If I looked up at Meredith, I was sure she'd have her eyes closed, too. After a minute, Caroline is pulling on my hand. "Can I tell you my wish?"

Meredith crouches next to me and shakes her head. "No, keep it to yourself or it won't come true."

Caroline nods very seriously. "I won't tell anyone."

Meredith and I stand up at the same time and take Caroline's hand again, walking a little further down the river. We reach a bridge and we cross to the other side. Caroline begins to spin beneath the canopy, the sun setting faster now behind her.

"I was thinking," I begin and glance at Meredith. "I'd like to take Caroline out for a day. We wouldn't go far or do anything dangerous or anything, but I'd like to spend some time just the two of us. If you'd be okay with that."

For a second I think Meredith's going to say no because her brows are furrowed, but she surprises me when she nods. "I think she'd like that."

"Really?"

"Yes, definitely."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. The only time you wouldn't be able to take her out is when Lexie and she have their weekend away." I furrow my brow and glance at Meredith. "Oh, right. I haven't told you. Every summer, Lexie takes Caroline away for the weekend. Well, the last summer and this summer. It's going to be a tradition, so this year will make it one. Caroline's really excited, but she doesn't know where she's going."

"Where is she going?"

Meredith leans in very close to my ear. "Lake Tahoe."

I grin as she pulls away. "Sounds like fun. When is it?"

"Not this weekend but the one after. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier."

"You don't have to apologize."

Meredith nods. "I know that, but she's yours, too now, so I want you to be included."

"I am included. I feel included."

"Good."

Caroline spins her way back to us just as the sun sets and we all walk back to the house like a strange, geographically broken family, but a family just the same. I've already decided I won't read Caroline to sleep with Thatcher lurking downstairs, but Meredith shakes the idea away when I try to say goodnight. I feel myself tiptoeing through the house behind Meredith and Caroline, my senses on full alert. After she brushes her teeth and straightens some of her toys, Caroline jumps into bed and wants both of us to read her a book. Meredith reads _The Little House_ and I read _Chicka Chicka Boom Boom_ (I actually read it three times). After we read to her, Caroline snuggles down under her sheets, we both kiss her goodnight, and I turn off the lights.

Meredith walks me out the front door and I can feel Thatcher's eyes through the window. I nod at Meredith. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yes, but let's just assume you have every tomorrow with us, okay?"

My heart hammers in my chest as I remember her words to me during that summer, her words during the day I was working for my father and I could only just stop by. We kissed that day and we hugged for a long, long moment and everything felt so right and I knew I was in love with her. I'd asked if I'd see her tomorrow and she said almost the same exactly thing to me. I stare at her and I want to kiss her, but her father is watching. I can't kiss her with her father watching.

"Meredith," I say simply, quietly.

She swallows and smiles just a bit. "Goodnight Derek." She's gone before I can say anything else.

When I get back home, I feel like I've been punched in the face by my own emotions. My head is reeling and I'm shaky. I also feel like a coward. But honestly, I'm afraid. I really don't want to make a move on Meredith and ruin everything, but I also can't stand this will we or won't we feeling. I can't be the only one who feels it. Or maybe that's just the problem.

Mark is sitting in the living room when I walk past, his feet up on the couch and the Yankees playing against the White Sox on the TV. He nods. "Hey man. Your phone was going off like crazy about a half hour ago."

I nod. "Yeah, thanks."

"You okay?" he asks.

I nod again. "Let me check my phone and I'll grab us some beers." Mark finishes his beer in anticipation.

When I'd gotten home, I left my phone in the kitchen. I check it now and I have three missed calls from my mom. I'm used to her being a bit demanding, but three calls makes me worry. I call her back immediately. She picks up just as quickly. "Hi Derek," she says breezily, calm, collected.

"Hi Mom, you called me. A lot."

"I wasn't sure if the call was going through. I got a new phone and it's too smart for me," she jokes.

"So everything is okay?"

"Yes. Well, no, actually, you haven't sent me a picture of Caroline yet!"

I sigh and lean against the countertop next to the sink. I'd half expected my mom to tell me something horrible had happened, so hearing her razzing me about the photo makes me feel infinitely better. "I know, Mom, but I haven't taken one yet."

"Why not?"

I laugh and imagine my mom pacing through her kitchen, trying to make her cell phone work, and begging me for a photo. "Every time I'm with Caroline, I'm too busy chasing her around. I'm actually going to be spending some time with her alone this week or next, so I'll get a photo of her then, okay?"

"Yes, that's fine."

"How are you, Mom?"

She sighs softly. "I'm fine, Derek. Don't worry about me."

"But I do worry about you."

"I worry about you, too."

She pauses for a second and then says, "I was thinking more about the house next door to the Grey's. Now that you have Caroline, I can't stop thinking about how good it would be for you to be so close to her."

"I've thought about that, too."

"It scares me, thinking of you in that house alone. I don't want the memories to be too much."

"I understand that, but Mom, leaving the house as it is…I think it'd hurt Dad if he could see it. It's cold and dark and mistreated."

She's quiet for a second. "Yes, I know. I feel really badly about that."

"Well don't. If you're serious about this, I'll buy the house from you. I'll give you a fair price, whatever price you think, and—"

"I don't want you buying the house from me, Derek. It's not the money that's important. I have plenty of money. I'll just sign the deed over to you."

"You don't have to."

"I want to."

Happiness floods me. "Thank you, Mom."

"Can I just ask one thing?"

"Anything."

"You can update the house all you want. Paint, new floors, new windows, anything, but could you keep the furniture your father built? Not all of it—you can sell the bedroom furniture and the spares in the attic—but the living room and dining room and that beautiful bed frame in the master bedroom, could you keep them?"

I smile to myself and nod. "I wouldn't dream of getting rid of any of it."

"I'll send you the keys, then."

"Do you want me to update you on the progress of the house?" I already begin thinking of paint colors, a fresh porch out front, and a new roof.

"No. I'll see it soon enough. Did you speak to Meredith about me visiting?"

"Yes and she'd love you to meet Caroline. The next two weekends are busy, but how about the following week? Caroline will be coming back from Lake Tahoe that Sunday, so maybe you could fly in then and meet her on Monday."

I can hear Mom flipping through pages, presumably her calendar. "Yes, that sounds perfect. How long should I stay?"

"As long as you like."

"I'll email you my agenda, then. I really can't wait to see you, Derek."

"I can't wait to see you either, Mom."

We finish our conversation on a high note, although the whole thing feels high and happy to me. I'm imagining my childhood home being turned to its former glory. The furniture my dad built is perfect and beautiful and with fresh paint on the walls and refinished floors, the house will really, truly be a home. I wonder, briefly, what Meredith would think of me living next door, but more frightening is what Thatcher might think of me living next door. It'll be best for Caroline, and to me, that's all that matters.


	21. 2008, Meredith (11)

**Thank you for all the support and sweet messages; you're all too kind to me! **

**I like this next part. **

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><p><strong>2008, Meredith<strong>

My week with Cristina went too fast. After the party at Mark's, we went hiking the next day with Lexie and Derek, then we went to the beach with Mark and Derek, and then we explored my new town just the two of us. I liked mixing Cristina in with my new friends and I liked Mark and Derek knowing a bit more about my life before California. Cristina was full of stories of my awkward middle school years and my even more awkward early high school career. The two of them couldn't get enough of the stories of me trying different sports with the same general outcome—pain, humiliation, and a complete sense of failure. Cristina also disclosed to Derek the juicy details of my first boyfriend—Connor Spencer—a big sixth grader to my little fifth grader. We danced at two school dances together and he tried to touch my butt before I broke up with him.

By Thursday, Cristina and I were exhausted from having something planned every day, so we vegged at home on the couch. I painted her toe nails while we watched _How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days_.

"I just hate this! What does this movie say about feminism when _Andie_ fucking _Anderson_ works for a fashion magazine, is shamed for eating a cheeseburger, and can almost get rid of a guy because she's too annoying?"

I'd missed Cristina's rants. "You chose the movie," I reminded her.

"Well I changed my mind. I can't watch this shit."

"My dad has _300_. Or _V for Vendetta_."

She sighed and settled on _300_. I wasn't a fan of the brutality, but the cinematography was pretty amazing. "God, look at their bodies," Cristina sighed.

"So you can stare at their abs and pecs, but you can't stand a woman being shamed for eating a cheeseburger. Isn't the point of feminism to be equal?"

"Yes, and I equally will stare at both a man and woman's abs, but I don't see any women in this movie, really."

I rolled my eyes. "Your double-standard is glaringly bright."

Cristina grinned at me. "Just shut up and enjoy the abs."

On Friday, the two of us plus my parents and Lexie went out for a nice dinner. Thatcher and Susan had always been impressed with Cristina's life plan and I'd always felt a little bad because I hadn't known from the age of nine that I wanted to be a surgeon or a teacher or hell, a garbage collector. So anytime they got the chance, my parents grilled Cristina probably with the hopes that some of her good decisions would rub off on me.

"So what kind of surgeon do you want to be?" my dad asked, as if knowing at sixteen was important.

"Heart or maybe brain. I want to fix the organs that really matter."

"And the liver doesn't?" I teased her. I thought that if I were going to be a surgeon, I'd do general, like my mother.

"The liver matters, of course, but it's the brain and heart that really keep you alive. Without your brain, you'd be so dead, deader than dead. Without your heart, you'd have no blood, and also, deader than dead. But your liver can regenerate. Your stomach can be shrunk and still work. It's the brain and the heart that really matter."

I always felt badly about my shaky future when Cristina went on like that.

"I agree! Any surgery worth doing lies in the brain and the heart," my dad said.

I was already a failure and I hadn't even made the decision to go to med school yet.

On Saturday, I was still grumpy and unhappy, so I snuck out early in the morning after texting Derek. I knew he was up because I could hear music coming from his room. He met me at the backdoor and snuck me into his quiet house. The sun wasn't even up yet. We walked upstairs into his bedroom, which thankfully was all the way on the other side of the house, so we didn't have to whisper too quietly.

We sat on his bed and I kissed him before he could ask what was wrong. Derek's hands wrapped around my back and he pulled me to him. I straddled his lap and threaded my fingers in his hair. His mouth was still sour from sleep, but I didn't care. I pushed Derek back to lie down. I wanted to taste him again.

But Derek sat up and caught me by the cheeks, holding my face tenderly in his hands. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head and tried to kiss him again, but he pulled back. "Meredith, please tell me."

I sat back on my heels with a sigh. "I don't know what I want to be."

Derek took my hand and ran his thumb over my skin. "What do you mean?"

"When I grow up. Cristina is going to be a heart or brain surgeon and I have no idea if I even want to be a surgeon, but it's expected of me because of my mom. Ellis," I clarified. "And I'm sitting at dinner last night and Cristina and my dad are going on and on and on about how the only surgeon worth having is a brain or heart surgeon and everyone else is like replaceable. And all I really want to do if I were a surgeon would be general, because of Ellis. And now I just don't feel good about any of it. How am I expected to make this decision now?"

"You're not," Derek said to me.

I looked up at him. "But Cristina has."

"Cristina is a freak then. You're not supposed to pick your specialty until your residency, before then, you're learning your strengths and weaknesses."

"But you know you want to be a brain surgeon."

He shook his head. "I _think_ I want to be a brain surgeon, but I have no idea."

"Oh."

"Knowing this now isn't your job, Meredith. You have so much time to figure this all out. Don't rush it."

"I don't want to disappoint my dad."

"You won't." He leaned in and brushed his lips to mine. "You couldn't ever disappoint him."

A door opened in the hallway and Derek's eyes went wide. I jumped up, which seemed like the thing to do, and knocked over the bedside lamp, which crashed fantastically on the floor. Derek jumped up too, stepping on a piece of glass. "Shit," he groaned and hopped onto one foot.

"I can't be here," I whispered and looked around for an exit, knowing the only two were impossible.

"The closet," Derek whispered and we both rushed towards it. He made sure to kiss me, softly, because shutting the door closed.

I listened hard for a second, waiting for the bedroom door to open, and it did. "Derek?" Michael's voice was muffled by the closet door.

"Hey Dad, sorry. I kicked the lamp over."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just stepped on some glass." There was a pause. "I think I got it."

Derek's closet smelled of him and I decided I never wanted to leave. His shirts and dress pants hung around me, tickling my shoulders and the back of my neck. I pressed my face into a familiar-looking casual gray t-shirt and could smell the sunlight left behind. His shoes were neatly arranged on the floor and up on the shelves were boxes labeled: PICTURES, MEMORIES, JUNK. I wanted to look through each of them.

"Do you want to come to the store with me since you're up? Or do you have a little lady to visit with?"

"Dad…" I could hear the embarrassment in Derek's voice.

"No need to turn that bright red, son. I want you to spend time with Meredith. She's good for you."

"Can we not have this conversation right now?"

"Why? Is Meredith listening in? Is she in the closet or under the bed?"

My breath caught in my throat and I pressed myself further into the closet, trying to hide completely, or maybe fall into Narnia or something. I felt the back wall and held my breath with my eyes closed.

"No, no, nothing like that." Derek sounded guilty.

"Well then, since you're so convincing and don't at all sound guilty, I'm going to leave now. I'd suggest you to clean up this lamp and maybe go for a walk with Meredith instead of hiding her in your closet. It isn't very gentlemanly." It was silent for a second. "Oh, and I'd like both of you to know that while I support this relationship, I don't appreciate being lied to. I expect this won't happen again."

"No sir."

"Sorry," I said under my breath.

A second later one door closed and another opened. Derek's fingers met mine and I could feel his reservation. I was humiliated. "I'm sorry," Derek said and pushed his shirts aside so he could see my face.

I shook my head. "It's just not a good day."

"We could make it better," he suggested with a wonderful smile.

"I can't do anything today. Cristina's leaving so Susan has a plan for the entire day and then the airport at six. Maybe tomorrow."

Derek leaned in and kissed me soundly. "Don't be sad. I can't stand it."

"Well then, come find me tomorrow. Maybe I won't be sad then."

We waited a few more minutes until we were sure Michael was gone and Derek walked me outside. He stayed on his back porch while I crossed our yards and headed up my back porch. I gave him a little wave, and I already missed him.

I stood at the airport waving to Cristina as she headed to the plane that would take her back to Seattle, but I couldn't shake the feeling of finality. And it wasn't just because of her comments the night before—I was used to her putting down my shaky future plans. From the moment she landed, it felt so different. Our friendship wasn't so easy. She had changed. Or maybe I had changed. Some conversations felt forced while others were breezy and simple. But I couldn't stop thinking about the moments of silence that were too quiet.

When we returned home, I texted Derek. It was getting dark and my curfew was soon-ish, and I had told him I'd see him the next day, but I didn't want to wait. He was at Mark's, but promised to meet me by our spot along the river in a few minutes. I grabbed a blanket and one of those electric camping lanterns and headed into the woods. Susan looked at me funny, but she didn't stop me. Lexie was too busy with her new volleyball friends to ask to tag along. I crossed the river to the clearing on the other side and laid out the blanket and turned the lamp on low. I lay down and stared up at the sky. I started counting the stars.

I heard Derek arriving on the other side of the river and then splashing through. I looked over at him as his legs dripped onto the fallen leaves. "Hi."

I reached my hand up to him, which he gladly took. "Hi," I said as he lay beside me.

"Are you feeling better?"

I shrugged and laid my head on his shoulder. "Cristina left and it just feels like the end. I don't think I'm going to see her again for a long, long time."

"Why do you think that?" he asked.

"I think we're just too different."

"That's not always a bad thing."

"No, but we also have the distance to think about. Before it worked, but now, seeing her in these short, really condensed visits, seem like too much. She felt overbearing to me."

Derek ran his fingers through my hair. "I'm sorry to hear that."

I wrapped my arm around his stomach. "It's okay. I'm sorry about everything with your dad this morning. I hope he's not too angry."

"He's not angry at all," Derek assured me. "He was disappointed, but I went to his shop and explained everything. He understands, but he doesn't want us to hide like that."

"I feel bad."

"Don't." Derek kissed the side of my head. "He loves you and he loves us together. He just doesn't want us sneaking around."

I nodded and leaned in to kiss Derek's chin. He smiled at me and I drew lines over his cheekbones and down along his jaw. "You're very good-looking," I said.

Derek laughed at me. "You're so polite."

"You're good to me. You're sweet." He grinned at me. "I don't know what I did to end up here with you like this, but I'm glad I did. I'm happy to have you."

"I feel the same way about you. From the moment I saw you, I just knew."

"Knew what?"

Derek's face grew serious. He stared into my eyes and his fingers moved feather-soft over my skin. "I knew I'd fall in love with you." I felt myself swallow. Hard. "I'm in love with you," he whispered and his face broke into the most beautiful grin I'd ever seen.

I gripped his shoulder and I stared deeply into his eyes. "I love you, too."

The flood gates between us opened and Derek's smiling mouth pressed to mine. I kissed without fear or resistance, opening my mouth to him and spreading my legs for his body to nestle between. He hovered above me, his hands pinned next to my hips, his hips pressed to mine. We made out ferociously, grabbing at one another and taking every single inch we could. My thoughts and fears from our previous sexual encounters, and my reservations, were completely gone because we loved each other and I had no reason to be scared of him or how I was feeling.

Derek had removed my shirt in just seconds and I removed his not long after. His naked stomach pressed to mine felt like heaven. I slipped off my flip-flops and ran my bare feet over his naked calves, feeling his velvet-soft leg hair sliding over the bridge of my foot could've been my undoing. I moved beneath him, unable to stop myself from feeling as much of him as possible. I realized, then and there, that I wanted him to be my first. Right now.

I reached for Derek's pants and unbuttoned them. We broke apart for a second, our eyes glued to one another. Derek was hard beneath his pants, pressing painfully against the rough material. I unzipped his jeans and began pushing the rest of his clothes from his body. Derek took over and removed his pants slowly, tugging them, his boxers, and his shoes off until he was wonderfully, blissfully naked in front of me. He looked amazing: toned and strong, a man if I'd ever seen one. I removed my clothes while he removed his, taking off my bra and unbuttoning my shorts. As I pulled my shorts and panties down my legs, Derek helped. His eyes trailed over my skin, but I couldn't even muster embarrassment, not when he was looking at me like _that_.

Derek leaned down and kissed each one of my knees, the insides of my thighs, each of my hip bones, each of my nipples, and either side of my neck before pressing his lips to mine. We were slower now as he settled between my knees. I could feel the length of him against my inner thigh and the feeling was incredibly erotic. His hands explored me, running over my skin, causing me to shiver with each pass. I kissed him leisurely, tasting him on my tongue and lips. I explored him, too, touching his back and shoulders, drawing my nails down his spine, feeling his butt beneath my palm. I made him shiver, which felt like a huge victory.

We stayed like that for a long time, kissing and touching, but I wanted more and I knew Derek was trying to be respectful. I moved my hips against him, causing him to hiss through his teeth, and I knew he wanted me. So I reached down between us and touched him, causing him to groan. "Meredith," he whispered into my ear.

I wasn't nervous, really, but my hands shook. I wet my lips and whispered back, "I want you."

Derek's eyes immediately fell on mine. He looked surprised. "We don't have to."

"Yes we do. I want you. I don't want to wait any longer."

Derek's hormones betrayed him and he glanced down my body again. I knew I was supremely average, but he looked at me like I deserved to be loved and cherished, which is how I knew he was the one. He leaned down again and kissed me tentatively. He ran my hand over him again and he gasped. "You'll be the death of me."

I laughed and pressed my face into his neck. "So you want to?"

"Are you kidding?" His eyes swept over me. "Yes, I want to."

"We need protection," I said awkwardly. If I knew anything, I knew I couldn't sleep with him without a condom, or birth control. I'd already sort of talked to Susan about the second option, but I hadn't been to the gynecologist yet.

Derek sat up some and I worried that he'd be one of those boys who said no. "This is going to sound terrible," he started and I braced myself, "but I have a condom in my pocket. My dad gave them to me weeks ago and I found it in my jeans this morning and it didn't mean like I expected this to happen," he said quickly.

I laughed at him. "I'm glad you have one. And it's okay if you expected this. _I_ expected this."

"You did?"

"Mmmhmm."

Derek leaned down to kiss me. "You're perfect," he whispered against my lips. "You're beautiful. I love you." I could've cried just from his words. Derek leaned back to grab his jeans and pulled out a condom. I had no idea how to put one on (we never had a banana or cucumber demonstration in my health class), but I watched Derek carefully so I could try next time. He pinched the top and rolled the rest along himself. For some reason, he looked more imposing now.

I reached for him, running my hands up his arms and over his shoulders. He settled between my legs. He held himself with one hand and slid the other behind my back, resting his forearm against my ribs. "If you want me to stop at any point, just tell me."

I nodded. "I will."

Derek pressed himself against me and then drew back. His eyes were on mine, but it didn't feel awkward. He ran his thumb across me and I gasped. Next, he slid a finger inside me. The next few minutes felt wonderful. I had no basis of comparison, but Derek's hands and fingers on me and in me was more incredible than anyone touching me. He was careful and slow, but also moved enough to begin to drive me crazy. I gasped and held tightly to his forearm, feeling his muscles and tendons working beneath the skin. He made me come and then kissed me, which felt incredibly intimate and really, very giving.

After a minute or two, I felt him against me again, but his fingers were holding onto my sides. He moved very slowly forward and I suddenly felt myself adjusting to him. It didn't hurt at first, but it felt odd. He pushed in more, which began to hurt. I winced. He pulled back. "No," I reached for his hips. "Keep going." I knew I had to be strong for at least the first little bit and then it wouldn't hurt. Derek was slow but not torturously so. He sunk into me and I felt incredibly full.

"Are you okay?"

I nodded and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "Yes. I'm good." I smiled at him and he began to move. I couldn't say it felt good, but it wasn't bad. It just felt strange and weird, but as he continued, it began to feel better and I understood it. I understood why sex was so complicated sometimes and how it made you feel closer to the person because I never felt as close to Derek as I did as when we made love. He kept looking at me reverently, touching me gently, and whispering sweet words to me. I realized I had made the right choice. He was careful and giving and patient with me.

I held onto Derek tightly as the warmth of him washed over me. He whispered he was close into my ear, so I kissed his neck and grabbed onto his skin, feeling a sheen of sweat beneath my hands. Derek made the very noise he had a week ago when he finished, but I could feel him twitch inside me, which was more amazing. He breathed heavily into my neck, his lips finding mine, drinking me in, as if he were lost in the desert and I was the water mirage. He moved his fingers down between us and with him still inside me, he rubbed me, causing me to come again. I cried out only for his mouth to cover mine and swallow the screams.

Afterwards, we lay naked and wrapped in each other for a good long while. Derek kept whispering to me, trying to make me laugh. "What do you call a group of unorganized cats?"

"What?"

"A cat-astrophe."

I groaned and rolled my eyes.

Derek laughed and kissed my neck. "Why don't they play poker in the jungle?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"There are too many cheetahs."

"You know the worst jokes," I said with a giggle.

Derek kissed all over my face. He settled until he was eye-to-eye with me. He looked different to me. I wondered if I looked different to him, too. "I've never felt like this before."

"But you had previous girlfriends." I wasn't trying to stir anything up; I was just making a comment.

"Yes, but it's different with you. I thought I loved them, but I know I didn't. Not after feeling what I do for you." He ran his hands along my hair. "I find you to be brilliant, and funny, and witty, and strong, and beautiful. I like how you blush when I make you nervous or embarrass you. I like that you laugh at my terrible jokes. I like the way you look at me. I love making you happy."

I pressed my cheek to his and dragged my nose along his skin. "You make me happy. You make me so happy. I love you."

"I love you, too."

We'd wanted to lie there all night, but our parents were probably waiting, so we reluctantly redressed and tried to pull ourselves together. I looked a mess, but Derek looked worse. He was flushed and glowing. We walked from the woods hand-and-hand and I cursed our ages because if we were older, we'd share a bed tonight and maybe make love again. I hated the idea of sleeping away from him.

As we reached my back porch, Derek kissed me oh so deeply. He clearly didn't care if my dad was watching and I didn't either. I kissed him without doubts and without decorum, pulling him to me and gripping him tightly. Everything felt different now. I was no longer afraid of my feelings or hiding behind what I wanted. He brought that out of me and I basked in the glow of my newfound freedom. Derek pulled away with a groan. "If you don't go inside right now, your father will ban me for life." He leaned in and whispered, "I want you right here and now."

My face burned. Derek laughed at me. I walked up the stairs and paused at the door. I turned to look at him. He was smiling. I ran back down the steps and threw myself into his arms and kissed him again. He kissed me back with enthusiasm. I could've stayed there all night, but Susan opened the back door and cleared her throat. "Your father just got home, Meredith." She was smiling warmly at us.

I stepped away from Derek, who ran his hand over the back of his neck. After all, my stepmom had just caught us with his hands on my ass. I took the stairs two at a time and didn't look back because if I had, I was sure I wouldn't be able to leave him.

"You love him," Susan said as she shut the door behind me.

I plucked a pink tulip from the vase on the counter and grinned at Susan. I didn't say anything and headed upstairs to replay the evening over and over again in my head.

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><p><strong>Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed this update :)<strong>

**I just wanted to let you know that one of my lovely readers, Doctor Lexie Sloan, was inspired by my version of Mark and Lexie in this story and she's written her own spin-off that's really lovely and just a nice love letter to Mark-Lexie shippers. Please go check out her story _When You Find Me_ today and leave her a nice comment. What an amazing community to be apart of!**


	22. 2014, Derek (11)

**The reviews I've been given are just so nice! I'm so happy for those of you who have stuck around since the beginning and I love hearing from those of you who are a first time commenter/reader. I really appreciate the feedback because it helps me write better chapters for you, so keep it coming!**

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><p><strong>2014, Derek<strong>

I text Meredith the day before my outing with Caroline to run my idea past her, which is received with a bunch of smiley faces and some exclamation points. I also tell Meredith to meet me at my parents' house at 9 AM with Caroline. I figure I might as well tell her I'm probably moving in next door and see what she says before I start the major construction. It's not like I'd change my plans to move back into my childhood home if Meredith didn't like the idea of me living next door, but maybe I wouldn't be so vocal about it.

I get to the house just after 8 AM and begin cataloging what needs to get done. My mom sent me the keys a week ago and a deed, which she did sign over to me for a whopping charge of $1.00. My name is printed neatly across the property deed, which I sort of want to hang in my father's old office. Since I received the keys, I've been over a few times to check everything out. I've already spoken to a contractor about the front porch and I've called roofers to replace the shingles. Inside, I have to paint every room and redo the hardwood floors. I'll also have to redecorate, but maybe I'll see if my mom has any input when she's here. I really am a miserable decorator.

Around 9 AM, there's a knock at the backdoor. I open the door and find Meredith and Caroline on the other side, both sporting grins. I bend down to pick up Caroline, hugging her. "Hi Daddy," she says sleepily, but happily.

"She'll probably nap the whole way there. She couldn't sleep last night because she was so excited."

I grin at Caroline who rests her head on my shoulder. "Well, the drive is nice and long, so she can sleep. Do I need anything?"

Meredith holds up a plastic bag full of bandages, tissues, some snacks, a book, chap stick, and other necessities. "You can put it in a backpack or something. I usually have it all in my purse and realized you might not be so well stocked."

I take the bag from her. "No, I wouldn't have been. Thank you."

"You're welcome." Meredith reaches forward and runs her hand along Caroline's back. Her fingers brush my wrist, but I try to ignore the feeling. "Okay baby, you're going to have a really nice day today with your daddy. You have to do what he says, okay?"

She nods softly.

"I need you to say okay."

"Okay Mommy."

"Good. Now give me a kiss." Caroline turns and kisses Meredith with a smack on her lips. She turns back to me and rests against my chest. "Don't worry, by the time you get there, she'll be awake. She just needs another hour."

I nod confidently. "I believe it. We'll have a fun time."

"Yes, you will. So, I'll see you both around dinner time?"

"Yup."

Meredith looks at Caroline once more and then excuses herself. I realize I should've asked her about the house before we went off, but she's already on her porch and heading inside. I can do it later. Caroline is already asleep against my chest, so I carry her back around the house and to my Jeep. I put a booster seat in last night, so I sit her down in it and buckle her in. I deposit the bag from Meredith onto the passenger seat and run back inside to grab a backpack for everything.

For the first 30 minutes, I keep checking in the rearview mirror to make sure Caroline is actually back there. I know she is because she has nowhere to go, but I can barely believe that she even exists, let alone that I'm spending an entire day with her. As she sleeps, she looks even more like Meredith. I grin to myself and turn on the radio low. I hum along as I drive the highway towards the coast. After an hour, Caroline begins to stir. She's kicks her legs out and tips her head back. She has a small smile on her face. Just outside San Francisco, she wakes up, her eyes heavy with sleep. She rubs them and blinks at me. I wonder if she's going to remember her mom's not here and have a fit, but she ends up smiling.

"Where are we, Daddy?"

"San Francisco. Your mom said it's your favorite."

She stares with wide eyes out the window. "I love it here!"

"What have you done here before?"

"Aunt Lex brought me here last year and we went to the aquarium and we ate bread and we went to an island with this big scary prison on it and we went shopping and we ate clams, which I didn't really like. And she bought me lemonade. We had the best time!"

I pull off the highway and find myself in San Fran traffic, starting and stopping as we reach a light, which I turn left at. We zip along the water of the Bay, the sun blaring for us and twinkling along the choppy water. "Well, we're going to do some of those things today, but new things, too."

"Like what?"

"Do you know what the Golden Gate Bridge is?"

Caroline shakes her head.

"Well then, you'll have to wait and see." We pull up and into the lower parking lot for walking the bridge. I park the car and grab my backpack before opening the door for Caroline. She takes my hand immediately as we walk up the small slope towards the pedestrian walkway for the bridge. As the Golden Gate comes into view, Caroline's eyes go wide and she stares up at the massive suspension wires. "The Golden Gate Bridge connects San Francisco to Marin County," I say and point across the water to the land in the distance. "We can walk across the bridge and the view from the other side is really pretty. Do you want to do that?"

She nods quickly. "Are we walking over water?"

"Yup, we are."

"Will we see dolphins?"

"Maybe. They like warmer water, but you never know."

We walk up to the pedestrian walkway and start at the lowest part of the bridge. The day is beautiful, so people are coming out in droves. Ahead of us is a family, a husband, wife, and daughter, all holding hands. I smile down at my own daughter. Caroline walks on the inside, making sure to touch everything she can. She runs her hand along the railing and looks through the open slats to the water below. And she asks tons of questions. "Is the water cold?"

"Yes, very."

"Is that the ocean?" She points to the bay.

"No, that is." I point to the other side of the bridge to where the Pacific Ocean sparkles in the sun.

Caroline nods seriously and continues walking. "Have you ever been to the ocean?"

"Yes, this ocean and the Atlantic."

"What's the Atlantic?"

"The ocean on the other side of the United States. The Pacific is on the west coast and the Atlantic is on the east coast. That's where New York City is," I say, wondering if that will help her figure a point of reference.

"Can we go to the Atlantic?"

I smile to myself. "Yes. We can go swimming in the Atlantic."

"Cool."

We walk in silence for a while and I kept Caroline close while taking in everyone around us. People are chatting loudly and pointing towards Alcatraz Island, to the water below, and back towards the city. Caroline seems excited about everything, too, but she seems to be cataloging everything, which reminds me of me. I was always like that as a little kid; I kept mostly to myself and noticed things to talk about later. I wasn't shy, I just wanted to save my stories until I had all the information.

At the middle of the bridge, we stop and I pick Caroline up so she can see more of the bay and the city. I hold her tightly to my side and she takes everything in. "Do you like it?"

Caroline grips my neck tightly. "Yes. I've never been on a bridge before."

"Never?"

"No." She reaches out to touch one of the cables, barely wrapping her hand around a quarter of it. "Are all bridges like this?"

I shake my head. "No all. There's different kinds. This is a suspension bridge, which is why it has those big cables. There are tons of bridge types. I'm not good at naming them since I don't build them."

"What do you do?" she asks with her eyes turned to me.

"I'm a doctor."

"I have a doctor!" she says excitedly.

"I'm not that kind of doctor. Your doctor is for kids like you, but I'm the kind of doctor who does surgery. When someone is hurt inside and the only way to fix them is by surgery, that's what I do."

Caroline looks thoughtful for a second and then asks, "Surgery is cutting people open?"

I think about lying, but then I remember Meredith will be a surgeon soon so Caroline probably knows. Plus, lying to your own kid is pretty low, even if it does save her from the trauma of hearing about people being cut open. "Yes, I cut people open to help them. Your mommy is going to be a surgeon, too."

"Doctors are the good guys, right?"

"Yes, doctors are the good guys."

Caroline doesn't want me to put her down as we finish the rest of the bridge, so I carry her happily the last half mile. On the other side of the bridge, I take her to Vista Point across from San Francisco so we can really see the city. I take out my camera phone and snap a few pictures of Caroline running around, chasing the seagulls, and laughing as she twirls. I sent one to Meredith and the other to my mother. The caption is the same: _We're having a great time in San Fran_. Afterwards, we walk the mile back to the city and Caroline never complains. She has tons of energy and I spend most of my time trying to keep up with her.

Back in the city, I drive down towards Fisherman's Warf and park so we can get lunch. When I ask Caroline what she wants, she says a hotdog. She's clearly picked up her mother's eating habits. I manage to find a diner and we sit overlooking the water. Caroline orders a chocolate milkshake with her hotdog and I order a turkey club, no mayo, with unsweetened iced tea. Caroline draws happily on the back of the menu.

"What are you drawing?"

She moves her arm so she can see. "My family." In the picture are Caroline and Meredith holding hands, Thatcher and Susan and Lexie and then me, in the back, grinning widely.

I smile at her. "Caroline," she looks up at me. "I'm really glad to know to you."

She smiles at me. "I like you being with us."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"Mommy said you had to leave before I was born. Will you leave again?"

"No," I say sincerely. "I won't leave again."

"What about if you and Mommy have another baby? Do you have to leave before the baby is born?"

I feel myself blushing. This really is something for Meredith to answer, but as I know from my nieces and nephews, you can't ignore a child's question. They'll keep asking, growing louder and louder as they do. "Your Mommy and I won't be having any other babies together. Your Mommy may have another baby, but not with me."

"Why not?"

"We're not a couple like that."

"But I want a brother."

"Your Mommy might have another baby someday."

"Will you have another baby?"

If I am being honest, I've always seen myself with a big family like the one I grew up in. I want at least three kids, but preferably four. But the idea of having another family, outside of Caroline, seems wrong. I don't like the idea of juggling my time between one child who lives in one house and other children who live elsewhere. I want a cohesive family. But that's probably no longer in the cards for me.

I smile at Caroline and nod. "Yes, I'd like to have another baby."

Caroline continues to draw, adding a baby in my open arms. She pushes the picture across the table to me with a grin. I don't know why, but the drawing alone makes me long for a baby to sleep in my arms.

After lunch, we walk down towards the water to see the sea lions. About a dozen of them lay on warm docks sleeping and Caroline can't get enough of them. She runs along the railing, shouting at the sea lions to wake up, by they must be used to tourists and little kids, because they completely ignore her. When a man selling ice cream bars passes, Caroline is momentarily distracted and begs for an ice cream sandwich. I buy us each one and we sit Indian style of the dock munching and trying to stir the sea lions awake.

Caroline is a ball of energy and babbles (endearingly, like her mother) on and on about sea lions. Apparently this is one of the animals Thatcher taught her about. "Sea lions are different from seals because they have little ears. See." She points to one of the closest sea lions. A little girl and her mother stand close and listen to Caroline. "They can be really mean, but mostly they just like to sleep in the sun all day. They laugh, too."

"They laugh?" the little girl asks.

Caroline nods enthusiastically. "Yup!"

"Your little girl is very smart," the woman says. "How old is she?"

"Five," I say and fold my hand over Caroline's shoulder to keep her from climbing over the railing to get closer to the sea lions.

"My Penny is four now," she says and pets her daughter's hair. "I'm Maggie," she says and holds out her hand.

"Derek."

Maggie's eyes stare into mine for a minute too long. "Where is your wife?" she asks.

"No wife."

She grins. "Oh no? Shame." Her voice couldn't be less sorry. "Well, Penny and I were just going to head towards the Golden Gate Bridge for a little stroll to work off our lunch," she pats her flat stomach. "Would you care to join us?"

"We did that this morning," Caroline pipes up.

Instantly, I love my daughter more. "She's right. Plus, we're about to head back home. We have a long drive."

Maggie's face falls. "Well then, it was nice meeting you." She turns away briskly and I'm sure we've offended her, but I saw her wedding ring glinting on her finger and I really don't need to get twisted in a messy relationship.

"We're leaving?" Caroline asks.

I nod and stoop down to her level. "We are because your Mommy misses you. But I hope you had a fun day."

Caroline beams at me. "I had a really fun day, Daddy." She throws her arms around my shoulders and I hold Caroline close to me. The scent of the ocean sticks to her hair and her arms are tight around the back of my neck. I never, ever want to let her go.

The drive back home is long, but Caroline falls asleep only a few minutes in. As I sit at a stop light, I text Meredith quickly to tell her we're on our way and should be there in an hour. I replay the day fondly in my mind and begin thinking of other trips we can take—maybe weekend trips to Disneyland and the Grand Canyon, or even week long trips. I'd love to take Caroline to New York and Rhode Island to see her grandmother. I also like the idea of maybe visiting Chicago, which I've never been to, or even going to the Florida Keys.

As we pull off the highway and head into town, I'm happier than I've been in a very, very long time. I park my car at my parents' house—_my _house; I keep forgetting. I open Caroline's door and rouse her awake. She whines that she's tired, but she allows me to lift her up. I shut the door behind us and cross the yards and head onto Meredith's porch. I ring the bell and as if she were waiting for us, Meredith opens it only seconds later.

"Hi," she says and smiles at me.

"Hi." I want to kiss her. I shake the thought away. "She's been sleeping the entire time back, but doesn't seem to want to wake up."

Meredith sighs and reaches for Caroline, who I pass over reluctantly. "My little girl," she whispers into Caroline's ear and meets me eyes. "Wake up and tell me about your day."

"It was so much fun, Mommy."

Meredith smiles and kisses Caroline's forehead. "I'm so glad. You need to wake up now."

"We walked really far," Caroline sighs.

I nod in agreement. "We walked the entire Golden Gate Bridge there and back."

"Is that right?" she asks Caroline.

"Mommy, can I sleep?"

Meredith relents. "Fine, but only for twenty more minutes." She looks at me. "I'm going to go put her down. Will you wait here?"

I nod and take a seat on the bench below the front window of Thatcher's office. Inside, I can hear Meredith's voice cooing to Caroline and then what I assume is Susan. They chat for a minute before the front door opens and Meredith walks out. She looks good in a pair of jean shorts and a white tank top, very reminiscent of her 16-year-old self. Meredith sits beside me on the bench, tucking her one leg up underneath herself.

"Did you have a good time?" she asks.

"Yeah, I had an amazing time. Thank you for letting me take her out for the day."

"You're welcome. She seems to have had fun."

"I have to admit, she's easily amused. We hung out by the sea lions for almost an hour."

Meredith grins and pulls her other leg up against her chest. "I think she gets that from you."

I laugh. "Probably."

Meredith glances at me. "Are you moving back in next door?" She asks abruptly.

"I wanted to talk to you about that. If it makes you uncomfortable, we can discuss it, but it just makes sense to me. The house is abandoned, yet my mom is still paying taxes on it. I'm rarely at Mark's because I'm always over here. I'd be closer to Caroline. I could see her more. I hate seeing this house just standing here, falling apart, and gathering dust inside. I can't stand it any longer. But if you didn't want me living next door—"

"I'm not going to stop you, Derek. You can live wherever you want."

"You're unhappy though."

Meredith sighs and slowly shakes her head. "No, not unhappy. Just surprised, I guess. That house holds bad memories for you, for us, and I guess I expected you'd never want to step foot in it again."

"Yes, that house holds bad memories for you and me, but I grew up in that house. I celebrated nineteen birthdays there, eighteen Christmases, I held Amelia in that house for the first time, and watched Lizzie get married in that backyard." I smile through the memory. Meredith smiles, too. "I fell in love with the girl next door in that house." I meet her eyes. "I'm sorry if it'll be difficult for you if I'm so close, but I love this place and I want it to be a good place again."

"It won't be difficult for me," Meredith admits. "I just don't want it to be difficult for you."

"It will be, but time heals all wounds."

She smiles softly, more to herself, and nods. "So you're my neighbor again."

I laugh and then shrug. "I guess so."

"My dad is going to hate this," Meredith says brightly.

"I think I'm going to have to have a civilized conversation with Thatcher sometime soon."

"Let me know when you do so I can make some popcorn and get my 3D glasses."

I nudge her shoulder with mine before standing up. "I'll make sure to talk to him when you're _not_ around. Or Lexie. When you two are around, I think your dad goes more postal than normal."

"Wouldn't you? For Caroline?"

"One-hundred percent." I grin. "Have a good night, Meredith."

"Goodbye Derek."

As I walk down the front steps, Meredith calls my name. I stop at the bottom of the stairs and look up at her. "She really loves you, you know? All Caroline's been talking about for a month now is her Daddy. She's happier." Meredith pauses and picks at the paint on the railing. "I'm happier, too." She blushes a furious red. Before I can say anything more, Meredith has darted inside and I'm left with a silly smile on my face.


	23. 2008, Meredith (12)

**Happy Monday! To all those who celebrated Thanksgiving, I hope you had a good one. I'm still stuffed with pumpkin pie and turkey, but in the Christmas spirit already :)**

**Thank you, as always for reading and for those who review, you're all wonderful. I can't say it enough, but your comments make me want to continue writing and writing and writing. I'm happy/sad to say I have just wrapped up writing the next to final chapter, so the end is near. I'm going to try to update twice a week so I can have this all finished for you by Christmas.**

**I hope you enjoy! xx**

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><p><strong>2008, Meredith<strong>

The Shepherd's yard had been turned into a beautiful oasis with a billowing white tent, purple flowers covering every single surface, twinkling lights wrapping every pole and spindle, and an ethereal archway for Lizzie and her future husband, Ben, who arrived two ago, the very same day Amelia returned from camp. I met half of Derek's sisters in one go, which seemed like a better option than meeting all four at once. Amelia was nothing but nice when she opened the door after I knocked earlier that morning. I'd expected Derek or maybe Carolyn, but I was happy to meet Amelia.

"You're Meredith," she said.

I nodded hesitantly. Derek had told me Amelia was 14 and a bit louder than the rest of the Shepherds. She certainly was cheerful with a big grin, very close to Derek's grin. She looked like him too, dark hair, bright eyes, the same coloring. I decided I was going to like her a lot. "I am. Are you Amelia?"

She nodded and practically dragged me into the house. "My brother talks about nothing but you."

I blushed and changed the subject. "How was camp?"

"Ah-maze-ing!" Amelia dragged the word out. "I don't know how much Derek told you about my camp, but it's really cool. For two weeks, we have one major activity, and then one week of another, and then two weeks of another. The first two weeks was camping and hiking, which I lovvved. And then I had a week of survival training straight out of _The Hunger Games_. Have you heard of that book? It doesn't publish until September, but my friend at camp had a copy and we all read it. It was super good. Anyway, my last two weeks were canoeing and kayaking, which sounds boring, but really, really isn't."

Derek saved me not long after, and I was happy to see him, but I liked hearing Amelia get so excited about her camp. It reminded me of how Lexie always got worked up about everything.

Later that day, Derek and I sat on the front porch. I had my legs across his lap and he had a funny grin on his face. I felt like I hadn't stopped blushing for three days, the amount of time which had passed since we'd first had sex. Derek had a goofy look, too, so I didn't feel so bad. His hands were resting on my knee and his eyes were on my lips as I spoke. We hadn't had sex again, but I desperately wanted to. With everything going on, though, it was impossible.

A car pulled up and Derek broke into a huge grin. "Lizzie," he said to me and I stood up so he could run down the front yard to wrap his sister in his arms. Lizzie also had the familiar Shepherd dark hair, but she had dark eyes like her mother. "I missed you," Derek said into his sister's shoulder. She was a few inches shorter than him. Ben, her fiancé, grinned and hugged Derek as well. He was extremely tall and super built, not that I noticed.

"Meredith, right?" Lizzie asked. I nodded and she hugged me. "It's so nice to meet you!"

I hugged her back and met Derek's eyes over her shoulder. He was grinning at me.

"Congratulations on the wedding," I said even though they still had two days to go.

"Thank you!" Lizzie pulled back and glanced at Ben with a smile. It reminded me of the smile Derek granted me whenever we saw one another. "Isn't he handsome?" she whispered.

"I don't think I should answer that," I admitted.

Lizzie broke into peals of laughter and turned to her brother. "She's a keeper."

"I know," Derek grinned at me.

I had dinner that night with most of the Shepherd clan. I learned Kate wouldn't be in until the day of the wedding—she'd be leaving her kids behind, but her husband, Grant, would be coming—and Nancy was arriving on Friday with her husband Rich and her three kids: Grace, Elliott, and Marcus. I'd never seen Michael and Carolyn more lively than when their children were gathered together. Michael entertained us all with stories of Lizzie growing up believing Santa Clause was real until she was twelve, of Derek never allowing them to cut his hair so he had a big afro (which I was dying to see), and Amelia's insane stuffed animal collection, which was so big she turned her closet into a stuffed animal hospital.

Carolyn seemed in her element, taking care of her mostly grown children, refilling water, even though she didn't have to, filling their plates, even when they told her to relax, and just preening her children. It was nice to see her so happy and excited to have Lizzie visiting and Amelia back home.

On Friday, I didn't see Derek once. Derek, Mark, Ben, and his groomsmen and best man all headed up to Lake Tahoe for the night for Ben's bachelor party while Lizzie, Amelia, Nancy, and the bridal party headed to a day of relaxation and a night of fun. Derek text me a lot and I couldn't wait to spend the day of the wedding with him.

The morning of the wedding, a bouquet of pink roses showed up early. Susan knocked on my door and carried the fragrant bunch into my room and set them on the bedside table. "Someone really likes you," she said and handed me the card.

I sat up in bed and read: _Can I have the first dance? xo DS_

Susan read over my shoulder and grinned, "He's going to love your dress."

I looked up at the pretty blue dress that hung on the back of my door. Susan, Lexie, and I had picked it out last weekend. He loved blue, so I was sure he'd like it. "Will you still be able to do my hair?"

Susan nodded, "Oh yes and Lexie wants to help with your makeup."

"Did you say my name?" Lexie bounded into my room and sat down on the bed next to me.

"I did, but we don't need you yet."

Lexie shrugged and lay back so she was lying next to me. "I can just wait here."

"I don't have to get ready for like six hours."

"Are you kicking me out?" Lexie frowned. "I'm like super comfortable."

I rolled my eyes at Susan and relaxed back against my bed. Susan smiled at the two of us, the same smile she always had when Lexie and I bonded, and turned to leave. I hadn't been spending a lot of time with just Lexie, but she hadn't seemed to mind. She'd been busy the last few weeks with her new friends and I was busy with Derek. I thought of the other day again and blushed. It was wrong to have these feelings as I lay in bed besides my sister.

Lexie looked up at me. "Are you thinking about Derek?"

"Shut up."

"You're so embarrassing. And you're so in love with him."

"I am."

"Did you tell him?"

I nodded. "Yes and he said it back. He said it first, actually."

Lexie stared up at my ceiling. "Wow. You love him."

I smiled to myself. "Yup."

"And he loves you."

"Yup."

"And you've probably done it."

"Yu—what? No." My face turned 15 shades of red.

Lexie pressed herself up onto her elbow quickly and narrowed her eyes at me. "Oh my god, you've totally had sex with Derek!"

"Shut _up_!" I threw myself from the bed and shut my door so Susan didn't hear. "It's none of your business."

"But you have!" Lexie bounced up into a seated position on my bed. "When?"

"I'm not talking to you about this."

"_When_?" Lexie demanded.

I stared out the window towards the wedding preparations below and I caught a glimpse of Derek as he helped Michael carry a big box into the backyard. He was laughing and smiling, but his eyes flitted up to my window. He couldn't see me, but he was thinking about me.

Of course I wasn't ashamed to have had sex with Derek; I felt the opposite, actually. I knew I'd done the right thing and Derek was the perfect person to lose my virginity to. But talking about it out loud sort of ruined the magic of it all—the secret the two of us shared. I didn't want the memory to diminish at all by telling Lexie and I definitely didn't want her to have any details.

"It's none of your business," I said more firmly.

"Oh, but you did have sex, right?"

I nodded a bit.

Lexie smiled, but it wasn't lecherous, more like understanding. "Was it okay?" she asked and she sounded so young.

I nodded again with a smile this time.

"I can't wait for my first time."

"Yes you can!" I sat back down beside her. "You should wait. I waited. I wanted to be with someone who really cared about me, and Derek does. You should wait because I think if I didn't, I'd be really, really mad at myself right now."

Lexie rolled her eyes. "I didn't mean I was going to have sex right now. Chill, _Mom_."

I shoved Lexie lightly. "You're such a pain sometimes."

"And you're a trollop," Lexie said and jumped up from my bed.

"Who uses the word trollop anymore?"

"The people in _The Scarlet Letter_."

"The movie or the book?"

"The movie, duh."

"Oh Lexie," I sighed and lay back on my bed dramatically. She'd moved past surly teenager and walked right into typical teenager. I guess one was better than the other, but I hadn't figured out which yet.

In the afternoon, Susan and Lexie preened me like that scene from _Miss Congeniality_. Lexie groused about my eyebrows and Susan straightened, then curled my hair before pinning some of it back. Lexie did my makeup, but I reminded her to keep it light. I was sure she'd put too much eyeliner on, but when they both stepped back to let me see, everything was just right. My makeup was light enough, but also a little dramatic with a subtle cat-eye and strong mascara. My hair had gentle curls that rolled along my shoulders with just the pieces in the front pinned back.

Susan and Lexie left me to get dressed. I pulled on the beautiful blue dress that had delicate straps, a tight waist, and then flowed from my hips and along my thighs. The dress was soft and beautiful and I felt really good in it. When I opened the door, my sister and step-mom ohh-ed and ahh-ed, both making me feel even better about the choice. I twirled a bit and stared at myself in the mirror.

At four, the doorbell rang downstairs and Susan told me to wait while she answered the door. I felt like I was going to prom. After a minute, Susan called up the stairs. Lexie was busy sitting on my bed eating ice cream from the container and humming Christmas carols to herself even though we had five months until Christmas. "I'll see you later, Lex."

Lexie looked up from her ice cream and said, "You look really pretty."

I smiled at my sister. "Thank you."

As much as I wanted to just run down the stairs towards Derek, I took it slow. Plus I was wearing four inch heels, and knowing me, I'd fall and break my ankle. As I rounded the corner of our stairs, I saw Derek at the bottom wearing a tuxedo. I'd never seen him in anything but jeans and a t-shirt, or shorts and a t-shirt, or completely naked (blush), but seeing him in a tux was like an entirely new world. He looked so confident, so attractive. Instantly, I wanted him. He had a mischievous look in his eye and I knew he wanted me, too.

Derek met me at the bottom of the stairs and took my hand. Susan discreetly left the two of us, heading off to the kitchen, leaving Derek and I blissfully alone. "You look beautiful," he said and leaned down to kiss me.

I could've died by his kisses.

"You look brutally hot," I said.

"That's my line."

"I stole it." We kissed again and I could feel it to the tips of my toes.

"I'm beginning to rethink letting you go," my dad said from his office.

Derek and I jumped apart and my cheeks flamed red. I pressed my fingertips to my lips. I thought my dad was working.

"Sir," Derek said formally.

I expected to hear my dad yell or at least curse Derek out, but instead he reached for to shake Derek's hand. "Good to see you," Dad said. "Have her home by midnight."

Midnight!? I smiled kindly at my dad and stood on my tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek. "Thanks Daddy," I whispered to him.

"Midnight it is, sir."

"You can call me Thatcher."

Dad headed back into his office and Derek and I stared at each other in awe. He reached for my hand and the two of us left the house with the silliest grins on our faces. We walked down between the two houses and I could already see the chaos of the group in Derek's backyard. But he didn't head towards the crowd, but instead pulled me into the shadow of my house, where no one inside could see us, and pressed himself against me. I opened up to him, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck and kissing him deeply. Derek groaned against my lips.

I kissed along his neck and fisted my hands against his lapels. He was excited and so was I. "I want you," he whispered to me and I could've combusted.

"Do we have to go to the wedding?"

He laughed and kissed my neck. "Unfortunately. But we don't have to stay at the reception the entire time."

"Nothing you have ever said to me has ever sounded sexier."

Derek laughed again, kissed me chastely, and took a step back. "Let's go now before I take that dress off your gorgeous body and scandalize all the guests."

I blushed at the gorgeous body comment and followed him along.

The reception tent was nestled against the woods with tables and chairs and catering tables set up beneath. A dance floor was laid just outside the tent and a small stage, presumably for a band, was just off to the right. Walking down from the back porch was the aisle, laid with white fabric and white chairs on either side. The chairs were dotted in flower petals and the entire set up was extremely gorgeous.

Michael was helping to put the final touches on the cake table, which it looked like her carved for the occasion and Carolyn was fussing over one of the nieces, setting her hair and spraying it. Amelia was sitting with who I assumed were her cousins, little boys all dressed in black tuxes and blue shirts. The band had started to assemble and a single violin cord played over the group. The wedding guests were arriving and everyone was picking seats, setting gifts on the gift table, and chatting loudly.

Derek turned to me. "I have to go line up with the groomsmen. Are you okay on your own?"

I kissed him briefly. "Yes. Go be handsome somewhere else. I can't even look at you."

Derek squeezed my side affectionately before winking and heading off inside.

I didn't have long to wait on my own, because Carolyn found me and pulled me to the bride's side, making me sit directly next to her. She was happier than I'd ever seen her. Amelia joined us and sat on my other side, leaving the seat at the end for Michael. Two women who looked very much like Derek walked up and greeted Carolyn and Amelia. Clearly these were Derek's other sisters. The one eyed me closely and the other smiled. "Hi, I'm Kate."

"Meredith," I said with my best smile.

"I'm Nancy," the glaring one said.

"It's nice to meet you both."

"Mom, how long is the actual service?"

"Don't call it a service, dear. You make it sound like a funeral. I think Lizzie said it'd be just fifteen minutes." She checked her watch. "Speaking of Lizzie, I should get back there and so should you girls." Carolyn smiled kindly at me. "Stay here. I'd like you to sit with the family."

I blushed. "Oh, thank you."

The band began to play quietly, something familiar and classical. The groomsmen began to come out, lining up with Derek in the middle. He smirked at me and I felt like I was the only person sitting there. After the groomsmen lined up, the band began playing Pachelbel in Canon D. Everyone turned to the back of the house and I did too to watch Amelia, Nancy, and Kate, along with other girls I didn't know, all walk down the stairs in soft lavender colored dresses. People began to stand and out walked Lizzie, dressed beautifully in white silk, floating down the aisle between her two parents.

Lizzie was right when she said the ceremony would be short. Within 10 minutes, the bride and groom were saying 'I do' and everyone was throwing confetti in the air to celebrate the couple. Carolyn turned and hugged me as did Michael. Derek was supposed to walk down the aisle with the couple, but he made a beeline for me instead and pulled me into a warm hug. We kissed and I didn't know why I felt so happy for two people I barely knew.

The reception started right away with the band heading into an upbeat song my dad liked to listen to sometimes. Derek removed his tie and hung it on the back of his chair. He also undid the top two buttons of his shirt, most likely to drive me insane. I was happy to be sitting at the family table. Amelia sat down with a sigh next to us and Nancy sat beside her with, presumably, her husband Rich. He was a tall man, but a little rounded in the middle. He was very nice though. When Lizzie and Ben made their grand entrance, everyone stood and clapped. One of the violin players stood and said, "Please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Thomas!"

Lizzie and Ben made their way to our table after greeting and hugging numerous people along the way. When Lizzie reached her dad, she was in tears, hugging him tightly. Ben hugged Carolyn and then the two of them made their way around the entire table. Lizzie hugged me next to last. She squeezed me once for good measure. "I'm so glad you're here."

"You look beautiful," I gushed.

I was surprised when Ben hugged me, too, but it was the happy sort of surprise.

Lizzie and Ben took their seat at an intimate round table at the head of the tent and waves of people walked to them to offer their congratulations. The band was playing softly. Derek's hand squeezed mine and I turned to him. I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair. He grinned at me. "I love you," he said and it made my heart stutter.

"I love you," I whispered and out of the corner of my eye I saw his mother grinning. She'd obviously heard us. Derek kissed my mouth to seal the words between us.

The violinist, who I learned was Ben's uncle, announced the first dance and Lizzie and Ben took the floor to an instrumental version of Elton John's "Your Song." They looked happier than any couple I'd ever seen. She floated across the dance floor and he kept grinning at her, pulling her closer, and whispering into her ear. When Ben's uncle announced for other couples to join them, Derek stood up and held his hand out to me. I didn't waste a second in taking his hand.

We walked to the dance floor and Derek pulled me close, his one hand pressed to my spine and his other folded over mine. I gripped his shoulder and swayed with him. We stared at each other as we danced and I tried to figure out everything I had yet to discover in his bright blue eyes. I thought he was trying to do the same. Neither of us waived, neither looked away. All I could see was the endless blue and then the crinkles beside his eyes as he smiled. Derek broke first and kissed me firmly. I kissed him back without restraint. He laughed against my lips and pulled away, but first he kissed along my cheek and whispered into my ear, "I've never felt like this before, Meredith. I can't even…" his voice broke and I clutched his hand in mine.

"I know," I whispered back. "I love you so much."

Derek's mouth pressed to mine again and I felt every emotion he was feeling. I clung to him as he pulled away. The song finished with a flourish and we broke away to clap. I watched Derek and I wanted him. He met my eyes and he must've understood, because he leaned in and whispered, "Go inside to use the restroom, but go to my bedroom. I'll be there in a few minutes."

My stomach fluttered and I nodded as I walked away. Once I made it inside, I took the stairs quickly, anxious and excited. I looked around Derek's room as I walked in and it felt like him, smelled like him, and I was comforted just being in his space. I looked out his window that looked into my room and smiled before dropping the shade. When Derek made it upstairs, he shut the door behind me and tipped me back onto the bed faster than humanly possible. We were frantic and rushed, but the sex was even better than the first time. He was still patient and reserved, I could tell, but he was also wonderfully attuned to what I wanted and I had to stifle my moans in one of his pillows.

Afterwards, we lay together for a while. We redressed and opened the door in case anyone was suspicious and I rested my head on Derek's chest while he played with my hair. "I don't want this summer to end," he admitted and I nodded against him. "I can't stand the thought of not seeing you every day."

I pressed myself up onto my elbow. "You'll come home on the weekends, right?"

"Yes, definitely, but it won't be enough."

I leaned in and kissed his chin. "I can visit you."

He smiled at me and I realized it was a smile reserved for only me. "I can't wait to show you San Francisco. You're going to love it." He squeezed my side.

"I can't wait."

We were kissing again or maybe we really never stopped kissing. Of course Amelia walked in then, just as Derek pressed me back into the mattress. "Mom says," we both pulled away, "if you don't come down now, she's going to sic Mr. Grey on you."

Derek turned a cute shade of red, which probably matched me. "We're coming."

"Right now," she said.

We stood up from the bed and followed Amelia from the room. She walked down the steps and as Derek followed her, I tugged him back a bit. He stood below me on the stairs and I leaned down and pressed my forehead to his. "Thank you for inviting me."

He pressed his nose to mine. "You're my girl, of course I invited you."

Amelia cleared her throat at the bottom of the stairs and we followed, our laughter ricocheting off the walls behind us.


	24. 2014, Derek (12)

**I am here to confirm there will be a total of 32 chapters which will all be posted before Christmas, so be prepared for multiple chapters a week. I hope that's okay with you! :)**

**Please enjoy and write me a little review if you have time. Thanks!**

* * *

><p><strong>2014, Derek<strong>

I could hire someone to paint the house for me, but I actually enjoy the work. I've never been good at just sitting around doing nothing, which might make sense for why I've chosen such a demanding profession. On my days off, I need something to do, so today I'm going to paint the living room and dining room and maybe slap a fresh coat of paint onto the kitchen walls, if I have time. The electricity to the house was reinstated today, so I can paint until the wee hours of the morning if I want.

After I move the furniture to the middle of the room, cover it in drop cloths, and wash down the walls, I tape the molding and gather my painting supplies. I put my phone into a glass to act as a makeshift speaker and I turn on Johnny Cash, my dad's favorite. I crack open a beer and dip the roller brush into the gray paint.

The music helps drown out my thoughts of Meredith, but not so much my thoughts of my dad. If I lean back far enough, I can see into the kitchen and the very spot my dad was gunned down. The blood was cleaned up, but I can still see it, dark and thick against the white tiled floor. I remember the EMTs lifting his body and putting him on a gurney. I remember the sound my mom made when she saw him, cold and dead. Dead, dead, dead. She went with the police outside and I sat inside staring at the blood while the crime scene people poked around. I was asked to leave eventually and I did, but that blood stain remains cemented in my mind.

I set the roller down and change the music. I turn on The Beatles, my go-to study music. I paint wide, vivid lines along the walls, covering the white walls with a soft, but warm, gray. The living room is full of my dad's heavy, ornate furniture, which I'm keeping, but I think I want to have the couches reupholstered in a deep gray. Maybe even a black. I thought about doing white, but with a five year old running around, white might not be the best choice. I'll let mom help me pick out a fabric when she comes to visit. She likes decorating and she likes being involved.

The left wall is good and painted with the first coat and I move onto the back wall which cuts the dining room from the living room. My brain is running through thought after thought—mostly about Caroline being in this house, if I'll have enough time to finish all the painting I want tonight, and if I'll ever forget the blood stain in the other room. I also think of Meredith. She said she had plans to keep busy tonight, but somehow I know she's lying. Not lying, really, but just hiding. I'm sure having Caroline away for an entire weekend makes her sad. It makes me sad.

I finish the back wall and pull my phone from the glass. I turn off the music for a second and place a food order. I order dumplings, lo mein, beef and broccoli, spring rolls, sesame chicken, and lots and lots of soy sauce. When I get back from work tomorrow, at least I'll have leftovers. I turn the music back on and start in on the right wall.

About 10 minutes later, there's a knock at the front door. My stomach grumbles because I figure it must be my food. I turn off the music, grab my wallet, and pull open the front door. Meredith stands on the other side with a small smile on her face. "Am I interrupting?"

I shake my head and take a step back. "Not at all. Come on in."

"I heard the music."

"I'm painting."

Meredith reaches up and swipes her finger along my cheek. She holds it up for me to see: it's gray. I look at her and smile even though my heart and stomach are doing strange things in my body. I realize this is really the first time we've spent any time together alone since the first time I saw her weeks ago. Caroline has been around every corner, in every conversation and suddenly I don't really know what to do or how to act. Meredith seems relaxed though. "I can tell," she says. She peaks into the living room from the foyer. She shivers. "It feels like a haunted house in here."

I smile and wipe at my cheek with the back of my hand. "Well, the place is probably haunted."

Her eyes widen. "Oh, Derek, that was stupid."

I shake my head. "Not at all. Don't worry about it. Are you thirsty? I have some half-cold beer."

Meredith relaxes again and nods. "Sounds better than the complete lack of beer I have right now."

We walk through the living room and Meredith stops, so I head on to grab her beer. She was here when I found him and I'm not sure what she'll feel being back in my kitchen again. I crack open her beer and walk back into the living room. Her arms are wrapped around herself when she turns to me and takes the beer from my hand. "I like the color."

I look at the walls. "Me too."

"So your mom really came around?" She takes a sip.

"Sort of. She still doesn't want me living here, but I expressed to her how much I do want to live here. Yes, one really terrible thing happened, but this house is my entire childhood. I hate seeing it so rundown and I know my dad would hate it if he saw it."

Meredith grips her beer tightly in her hand. "It's weird being back," she admits.

I nod and lean against the door frame leading into the dining room. "Believe me, I know."

She smiles sadly before setting her beer down and righting herself. "Can I help?"

"You don't have to. Isn't today your day off to do nothing?"

"I can't do nothing. I lied, Caroline being gone drives me crazy. She's probably having an amazing time with Lexie, which is good, don't get me wrong, but I'm jealous. _I_ want to take her to Lake Tahoe. _I_ want to spend this weekend with her. But its Lexie's thing, so I'm left behind and it's lonely. And my parents are driving me crazy and I just hate doing nothing. So please put me to work, Derek."

I grin at her, watching her lips move the entire time she babbles. I push off the door frame and pick up one of the other rollers. I hand it to her. "You're babbling," I say.

She meets my eyes and grins slowly. "Yeah."

I nod to the front wall. "You can paint there."

Meredith heads to the front wall and sets up a step ladder so she can reach. I try not to pay attention to the way her t-shirt raises as she reaches up, but I can't help it. I force myself to look away. _She's your ex-girlfriend who you unceremoniously broke up with. She's not here for you to stare at like a creep._ I turn the music back on, quieter this time, and take my spot on the other side of the room. Even if I shouldn't stare at Meredith, it doesn't mean I won't, so I give myself as little opportunity as possible.

We paint in silence for the next few minutes and the room feels like its closing in. There's so much to say, so many years lost, so many moments missed and I'm not even thinking of Caroline. I told Meredith before how I missed her grow up and it's true, but the fact of the matter is, she's still so young. We both are. And I'm in Caroline's life for the long haul, so I'll see other big moments. I hope to watch Meredith successfully make it through medical school and watch her open envelops for medical programs. I'll be supportive, even though I know at the end of the day I won't be the man she spends her life with.

I'm not stupid; I know Meredith is going to find some great guy to sweep her off her feet. I wish it for her because all I want is for her to be happy. I'm not saying I'll sit by and root for some other guy, but the fact of the matter is he'll show up one day and it'll hurt. It'll hurt like hell, but I'll smile and act supportive until I feel supportive. And then maybe I'll fall in love with someone else and we'll be one big, strange, happy family.

I finish my wall and set down my roller. I glance at Meredith and she's finishing up, too. I head into the dining room and begin covering the furniture with drop cloths.

"Hey," Meredith says from the doorway.

"Finished?" I ask.

She nods.

I walk past her to check out her wall. She's not a very good painter. There are some runs and some splotches where they don't belong, but I sort of like that the walls aren't perfect. Plus, I still have a second coat to do.

"I suck," she says.

I shake my head. "No, not _suck_. Just not very good." I grin at her.

Meredith takes the roller and hits me in the arm with the squishy, paint-filled brush. "You're an asshole," she says, but smiles the entire time.

I'm about to retaliate, sprinkle paint in her hair or roll her cheek with my brush, when the bells rings. I narrow my eyes at her. "Saved by the bell." I set my painting things down. "I ordered enough Chinese food for one hundred people if you're hungry."

"Starved."

I open the door, pay the delivery man, and carry the food into the kitchen where Meredith has already opened the refrigerator and cracked two beers open. Neither of us say anything about this room, the room our relationship began to implode, but I can feel the tension. "Let's sit outside," I say and Meredith follows me out. We set our food on the table and I break apart two sets of chopsticks. Once Meredith is settled, I hand her some chopsticks and begin to open the containers one-by-one, pointing out the different meals I ordered.

We're quiet during the beginning part of the meal, but it doesn't feel awkward. After weeks of running around after Caroline, talking only about Caroline, and making plans surrounding Caroline's life, it feels sort of nice to just be silent with one another. We never were silent, even during that summer, except when my mouth was on hers.

Meredith goes for the spring rolls and I wonder if I ordered them for her. I've never been a fan, but I remember Meredith loves them. She eats them both and looks up guiltily. "Oops."

I shake my head. "Don't worry, I hate them."

She narrows her eyes at me. "Why did you order them?"

"I have no idea," I admit.

For a beat too long, Meredith stares at me and then turns back to the beef and broccoli. I drink half my beer and one long sip. Suddenly, I feel awkward again.

Meredith breaks the moment. "Remember when we went hiking and you asked if we could discuss us?" I glance at her for a second and then nod, turning away again. My stomach tightens. "I'd like to do that. Tonight."

Her voice is authoritative. "You've thought about it?" I ask.

Meredith nods. "Yes. Often."

"You have?"

"Yes. She's our daughter and we need to have something planned out for her. I want us to be stable parents for her, even if we're not together. I don't want her to feel like she's being handed off every other week."

I look at Meredith. "Every other week?"

Meredith sits back in the chair and brings her beer with her. She rests the bottle lip to hers and pauses. "Maybe." She takes a sip. "I don't know if it'll work like that because of your schedule, but now that you're closer, I want to figure something out. I'm sure you're tired of the random visits."

"The truth is: I'm not though. My work schedule changes weekly and I never really know when I may or may not be around. But if you're tired of me just popping by every day or whenever I can—"

"I'm not," she interrupts. "If you're okay with it, I am."

I nod and push my container of lo mein away. "Once my schedule is better, during my residency, I'll have more stability. We can work an official schedule out then if it helps. Especially if you want stability for Caroline. I can't really offer that right now, but next year I can."

"We can always ask Caroline. See what she wants."

"That's not a bad idea," I agree. I think about my old room upstairs, the one that overlooks Meredith's room, and ever since I took over this house I wondered if it'd be a good room for Caroline. Maybe it's ridiculous to expect her to sleepover here when she has a perfectly good room just 50 feet away, but I like the idea of hearing Caroline wandering the halls as I wake up, since she's always up before the sun. I like the idea of her helping me make pancakes on the mornings I have off. I look at Meredith and wonder if the suggestion will be too much. All I can do is ask. "If you're finished, I wanted to show you something."

Meredith's gray eyes meet mine. "Okay."

We walk silently into the house and upstairs. Meredith was only in my room two or three times that summer, but it feels strangely familiar to have her following me upstairs now. I head to my bedroom door right off the landing and pause. I walked in here yesterday and it felt like the ghost of my former self was still wandering around. I didn't like it. Now with Meredith so near to me, I like it even less.

I push open the door anyway and step in. I turn on the light. Meredith pauses in the doorway. My bedroom hasn't changed at all except for my clothes being gone. The bed is still the very same one my father carved when I was a kid—stars and planets at both the head and footboard. The bedding is the same dark blue with white stripes. The walls still hold posters from The Clash and Bob Dylan. My bookshelves still hold Harry Potter paperbacks and bad mystery novels. I glance at Meredith. She sees my ghost, too.

"Wow, this place looks the same."

I nod and run my hand over the back of my neck. My room is too small for the two of us and the tension leaking from my pores. "We didn't take anything."

Meredith nods. "Yeah, Lexie told me." She meets my eyes. "When she used to come in here." Meredith shifts from one foot to the other. "Why did you want me to come up here?"

"I was thinking, if you were okay with it, I could turn this room into Caroline's room. I know she lives with you, but if she wanted to sleepover here. She'd still be close and I would always be happy to walk her home, but I sort of like the idea of her staying over. Sometimes," I clarify.

Meredith steps into the room, like my bed, and walls, and memories no longer bother her. She walks until she can see out the window, right into her bedroom. She smiles. "We spent a lot of hours at these windows." Her voice is small.

"Yeah, we did." I smile to myself. "If you think it's a dumb idea—"

"I don't." She meets my eyes. "I think she'd like that."

"Really?"

Meredith nods. "Especially if you let her pick the paint color."

"I will. Definitely. But maybe I'll paint it for her since I have a sneaking suspicion, based on how she never colors inside the lines, that she picked up her painting abilities from her mother."

Meredith breaks into an overwhelming grin. "Most definitely. I've taught her everything I know so no one ever asks her to paint a room."

"You volunteered."

She looks at me. "I did."

Something settles within my chest, something large and palpable. My heart beats two times more than normal and my stomach feels full of…something. Meredith runs her fingers over my footboard. She brushes her fingertips across the moon carving. She smiles a little to herself, sadly. "I really liked your dad, Derek." That something in my chest opens wide and floods my veins. "When we found him," she whispers, "I never thought I could see you so devastated. I didn't know what to do. The next few days, it was like I was in love with a zombie. You wouldn't even look at me."

"I'm sorry."

"No, I'm not telling you this to make you feel badly." She walks across the room to stand before me. "I just want you to understand how it felt. I knew I should've backed off, given you just a few minutes to piece everything together, but I was freaking out. I was pregnant and I knew, I just _knew_, you were going to leave. I understand you being upset and lost and hurt, but I was too."

I've thought about those few days after my father's death thousands of times and the funny thing is, I don't really remember how I was feeling about my dad. The sadness and pain came from the fact that I knew I'd have to leave Meredith. I remember feeling the pain swallowing me whole. My mom was a mess and she kept saying how she had to leave. She _had_ to. Amelia was all in. She was just as lost as I felt, so she was going with mom. Half of me wanted to stay, but the other half couldn't imagine standing in this house and pretending everything was as it had been.

I felt like I didn't even know how to love Meredith any longer. I'd learned everything about love and relationships from my dad and he was dead. It felt like all the love I had inside me died, too. And as Meredith stood next to me at the funeral, her hand in mine and her tears streaming down her cheeks, I knew I had to leave. I was a zombie, even I knew that then. I couldn't love her like she deserved. I was weak and sad and broken and I wanted better for her. I never imagined what state I was leaving her behind in.

"There aren't excuses," I say. "I wish I could fix everything, make it better, but I really do think I did what was best at the time. It took years for me to move on. Years where I would've dragged you down with me. You've always been too beautiful, too brilliant, too bright for anyone to hold you back and I couldn't do that to you. You said you didn't even recognize me before I left, but it got worse. I got worse. I loved you too much to watch your light dim."

Meredith nods and I know she wants to believe me, trust in me, but the hurt is still so real. "I understand. One day, I'll be over it—all of it—but being in this room with you, seeing you every day, somehow it still feels so fresh."

"I know what you mean."

Meredith smiles sadly at me. "I should go."

"You don't have to."

"I want to."

"Alright. Let me walk you out."

We walk down the stairs to the front door, which I hold open for her. She pauses beside the door, her hand pressed flat to the frame. She looks up at me with a question in her eyes, like she's trying to figure me out somehow. I look her face over, trying to read her secrets. I find so much of her in just one look - the scared girl at the river with her foot trapped, the beautiful girl who tasted like sugar the first time I kissed her, the brave, confident girl I fell in love with. All of her stands before me and all of her, in one perfectly slow movement leans into me and kisses me.

Meredith's lips are soft on mine and it feels like centuries since I've felt them. She takes half a step closer to me and opens her mouth. Her tongue tastes of beer and sesame sauce, sweet and tangy all in one. I feel my head swirling, my body reacting. My mind can't catch up. My mind can't figure this puzzle, where Meredith Grey kisses me with such passion and possession. My limbs move of their own accord. I reach forward and take her by the waist—my hands circling her skin, feeling her body move beneath her thin t-shirt.

Meredith takes my advancement in strides and closes the space between us. I'm embarrassingly aroused, but she seems not to care. Her hips line up nearly with mine and her hands reach up to fist my hair between her fingertips. She tugs on my bottom lip with her teeth and I gasp. I crush my arms around her back, drawing her in and sweeping my one hand down across her butt and the other up into her hair. Our noses knock together and our hands grip and touch and take. I feel her everywhere all at once. And then her hand reaches between us, slides along my erection and I know. I know everything.

I step backwards into the house, bringing Meredith with me. She stumbles over the door jam, but I hold her tightly so she doesn't go far. I kick the door shut behind us and the slam reverberates through the house. Windows shake, furniture quakes. My hands explore down her arms and beneath her shirt, touching her belly and the edge of her bra. She gasps. I smile against her mouth. I reach down beneath her and grab her by the backs of her thighs. Meredith goes willingly into my arms, folding herself into me.

I carry her towards the stairs. I somehow make it upstairs without tipping us both over and I take her to my childhood bedroom. She lands on the bed and a cloud of dust explodes beneath her. For the first time in five minutes, my mouth isn't pressed to hers and I meet her eyes. She's full of desire and longing. Her lips are red from kissing and her skin is flushed. She reaches for me, her hands meeting mine. She pulls me down atop of her.

Our limbs are tangled, her foot over my ankle, my arms dancing with hers. She sits up enough to take the hem of my shirt in her hands and push it up over my stomach, my chest, and my shoulders. Her hands touch my skin and then her lips. I rush to rid her of her shirt, pulling it from her. She looks different, but good. Her stomach is lined with stretch marks from Caroline growing inside her. I lean down to brush my lips over the marks, tasting them with my tongue. She shivers. She removes her bra before I even have a chance to see what color it is and her breasts shake free. They're bigger and I immediately take one of her nipples into my mouth.

We discover each other above the waist, her hands and nails trailing over my back and shoulders, across my nipples, and over my stomach. I explore her, too, tasting the place beneath her breasts, dipping my tongue into her belly button, and feeling her smooth shoulders under my fingertips. Before long, she's reached for my pants and I've reached for hers. We kick and wiggle to remove the last shreds of clothing until we're naked. I press against Meredith and kiss her again.

"Condom," she says against my lips.

I pull away and find my wallet in my pants. I find my emergency condom which hasn't been replaced in over a year, but is still good, and walk back to the bed. Meredith is completely spread on the bed, exposed and completely confident. She looks beautiful. I lean down just to kiss her. I kiss over her neck. "You're impossibly beautiful."

She blushes and I can nearly feel the leaves of the stream beneath my knees, as if this is our first time together all over again with the river behind us and the sun setting in front of us.

I open the condom wrapper and sheath myself. Meredith bends her knees and I kneel between her legs. She meets my eyes as I push inside her. The first few seconds feel amazing and perfect. I close my eyes tightly and fist the comforter beside her hips. I feel her hands on me, her fingertips sliding over my chest, her nails trailing along my shoulders, and every touch drives me closer to the edge of oblivion. I lean down and press my chest to hers, my lips to hers, my hands to hers and I move. I start slowly and she matches my pace. She picks up and I do. We're completely in sync. Everything about her feels amazing, her hands on my skin, her lips on mine, her eyes watching me. I want to share everything with her, give her everything. I love her.

Meredith pushes up against me, her arms wrapped around my neck. We move and readjust until she's on top of me. Her fingers grip my chest and her lips find mine. We've never been like this before with her taking control. All during our summer of exploration, we never made it this far and now it feels criminal. She's confident and the way she moves is driving me mad. I lean up and kiss her, deep and slow. I taste her. She moans against me. I sit up until she's in my lap and we move together eye-to-eye. We hold and gasp and finally, _finally_ when we reach our climax, the world erupts around us. She makes the same small noises I remember and I groan, dropping my head to her breasts. She threads her fingers through my hair and I taste the salt on her skin.

When we finally extricate ourselves from one another, Meredith curls up in the bed and I follow. I spoon her, feeling her breathing against me. I don't want to close my eyes because then the moment will pass. Meredith takes her one hand in mine and squeezes. I kiss her shoulder.

"We won't talk about it again," she whispers into my arm.

"Talk about what?"

"You leaving. It happened, we're over it. We've put it to bed."

"Pun intended?" I whisper into her ear with a grin.

"Oh shut up." I feel her smile against my skin.

I run my hand down her side. She sighs and after a few minutes, I know she's sleeping. I slip out just for a second to clean up the paint downstairs, tossing the brushes into the utility sink in the garage and closing the paint cans. I smile the entire time. I toss the leftover food away since it's been sitting outside for hours. By the time I make it back upstairs, Meredith is deeply sleeping. I turn off the overhead light and climb into bed with her, a luxury I've never experienced before. We always made love and then redressed, heading back to our parents' houses with goofy grins on our faces. But now, I'm allowed to sleep next to her naked and it feels exquisite. She curls into my open arms facing me and I brush the hair from her face. I lean down and kiss her forehead, secretly promising to never, ever disappoint her again.


	25. 2008, Meredith (13)

**I can't begin to thank you all for your wonderful reviews of the last chapter (which I'm going to respond to right now)! You're all too kind - thank you! I hope you had a wonderful weekend. Enjoy this next part :)**

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><p><strong>2008, Meredith<strong>

Derek held my hand while we ran through the woods, probably trying to make sure I didn't fall on my face, but also to keep me near to him. I'd realized in the days it'd been seen we'd first had sex that all I ever want to be is perfectly near him, touching him, holding him and the feeling is mutual. Derek's hands were always finding me, clinging to me, and I never wanted the feeling to stop.

We found our spot in the woods and Derek kissed me, pressing my back to a tree. I wrapped myself around him, holding onto him, and let myself melt into him. His kisses were desperate and his hands were sure, reaching beneath my shirt and inside my shorts. I gasped against him and moaned something unintelligent, my voice choking in my throat. I stared into his eyes and we shared a long look that made me feel more desirable than anything else.

Our clothes were gone quickly and I stopped him while he reached for a condom. "I'm on the pill," I whispered against his skin.

He looked at me. "You are?"

I nodded and ran my hands along his warm, tanned skin. "For about a month now. It takes a month to kick in. My doctor says I'm good to go."

"We can still use condoms."

"I don't want to."

Derek cupped my cheeks in my hands. "If you're sure."

I reached for him and he groaned."I am."

Afterwards, we lay beneath the canopy together. I rested my cheek on his chest and listened to his heart beating beneath his skin. We'd been sleeping on and off for an hour and I could tell by Derek's heavy breath that he was asleep. I smiled against his skin and allowed my eyes to close. We couldn't be like that together in a bed, so I took every moment I could curled up beside him, his arm tucked around my back and his lips poised just above my head.

The day was picture perfect: the sky was a blue sea with no hint of clouds at all. The wind was soft and blew in a gentle heat, much calmer after a brutal July. August began the next day and Derek would be leaving in just five weeks for school. I didn't like thinking about him being away, but it was coming soon. We'd promised each other we'd see one another all the time, but I couldn't help but feel the distance already. I squeezed him closer, just to remind myself that he was really, truly there.

He stirred awake and groaned, stretching his arms above his head. I looked up at him, watching his face go from scrunched up to relaxed. He looked down at me and wrapped his arms around my waist again. "What a nice way to wake up," he said and pressed a kiss to my forehead. My eyes fluttered closed. When Derek pulled away he touched my cheek. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head. "Nothing really. I'm just going to miss you."

"I'll miss you, too. More than you can ever know. But we'll see each other. I promise."

I leaned in to kiss him and he pressed me back into the pine needles. I wrapped my legs around his back and we had sex again, this time slower, gentler. He whispered he loved me again and again and I said it back, never moving my eyes from his. It was all so intimate, so incredible to be near him like that. I could feel myself handing my heart over to him, allowing him to hold it close and make sure to protect it. Maybe I was being silly or immature, but I could never see myself loving anyone as much as I loved Derek Christopher Shepherd.

We walked from the forest, redressed and pretty much put together, and continued our hike around the lake. Lexie had wanted to come, but I knew what Derek and I needed from one another, so I told her no. Derek held my hand as we walked down to the water. He picked up a handful of stones and flicked them easily across the water. I watched him unabashedly and when he caught me, he dropped the stones and swept me into his arms to kiss me deeply.

The sun was setting by the time we made it back to his car. We drove straight into town, changing out of our hiking shoes for more comfortable ones, and parked in front of his dad's store. "This shouldn't take long," he promised. Lexie, Mark, Derek, and I were going to the movies at a drive-in and we didn't want to miss the first show which just so happened to be _Jurassic Park_.

"We have time," I said climbing from the Jeep to follow him inside. "Why are you delivering this so late?" I asked stepping into the air-conditioned shop.

"Because my son is insistent," Michael Shepherd said from the back counter. He smiled warmly at me. "Hi there Meredith," he greeted and crossed the space to hug me. It felt strange to be hugged by my boyfriend's father, but it also felt nice. Michael pulled away and grinned at me. "Did y'all have a nice hike?"

Derek and I shared a look and Derek said, "Yes," although his voice sounds heavy in his throat. I simply turned away and blush.

"I'm glad to hear it. You need fresh air in your lungs and with all the cars and things around here, you can't get much of it. That's why I miss the south. Big skies, tall trees, and sweet air."

"Dad, we live in the middle of nowhere. It's not like we're in a city."

"Close enough." He gestured outside. "San Francisco is only an hour away."

Derek laughed quietly and I joined him. Michael seemed not to notice or care. "Alright, Derek, why don't you come help me? Meredith, it'd be great if you could keep an eye on the frame and make sure we don't hit anything with it, alright?"

I nodded. "Okay, but what frame?"

Michael led us back to the bed he'd shown me almost two months ago. It was the sleigh bed with the sun at the top and the moon at the bottom, so beautifully crafted. I ran my fingers over the scene, smiling at the woodland creatures running and playing in the sun and the nocturnal ones moving lazily and hunting beneath the moon. The picture was so warming and lovely, I couldn't believe I'd forgotten about this bed.

"Who bought it?"

Michael smiled at his work of art and shook his head. "No one."

I stared at him and then looked at Derek, who was smirking at me. "Well, then why are you moving it? I thought you said you loved it too much to sell it."

"I do. This might be my finest work of art ever, so I'm giving it away." He leaned into the frame and I saw so much of Derek in him then. The grin, the easy lean, the open, happy face. I wondered if Derek would look like his father when he continued to grow older. I hoped so. "I'm bringing the bed to your house, actually."

I shook my thoughts away. "What?"

Michael smiled at me, just like Derek. "I've given it a lot of thought and having this here collecting dust is just silly. I spoke you your mama and she said you have a bad hand-me-down bed and we decided you're too old for something like that."

"I can't accept this."

Derek's hand enclosed mine. "You have to, it's a gift."

"No, Michael, please, this is too big."

Michael walked around the bed and took my free hand in his. He squeezed my palm and Derek squeezed my other. "Meredith Grey, do you understand the gift you've given my son?" We both glanced at Derek and he was grinning. "I have never seen him so happy in all my life. You've brought something special to all our lives by you knowing my son and that's a gift I could never repay. I wanted to do something nice for you and this is it. I think it pales in comparison, but I wanted to give you something beautiful since you're such a beautiful person."

I couldn't help but feel tears prick my eyes. Derek pressed a kiss to my cheek and I laughed softly, stepping forward to hug Michael again. "Thank you," I said softly.

"Thank you," he said back.

The three of us navigated the bed from Michael's shop, out the front door, and into the waiting truck. I rode up front with the two of them to my house. Susan was waiting for us on the front porch and I jumped from the truck and into her arms. "Thank you!"

"You're so welcome, Meredith, but I didn't do a thing," she said and hugged me back.

Susan had already moved my bed out with my father and my things had been shifted so the new bed could be put in. I watched with excitement from the doorway to my shared bathroom as Derek and Michael moved the bed into place. Lexie stood beside me with her arms crossed over her chest. "I want a new bed."

Michael grinned at her and winked. "Yours will be next young lady."

Lexie turned an adorable shade of red.

After the bed was in place, Susan and I pulled new sheets onto my mattress and tucked my duvet into place. With my endless pillows propped up on the headboard, the bed was perfect and looked beautiful in my understated room.

"I can't thank you enough," Susan said and I nodded.

"As I mentioned to Meredith, the pleasure is all mine."

Derek smiled at me from across the room and I went to him, closing my hands in his, leaning in to kiss him. It didn't bother me that his father, my stepmother, and my sister were in the room. I knew he had a hand in this and I would never be able to thank him properly. Derek pressed his forehead to mine and for a second, I closed my eyes and pretended we were alone and this was our room and our bed.

Michael cleared his throat and we both pulled away. "Are you riding back with me to get your Jeep?"

Derek nodded and slowly moved away from me. "I'll pick you both up in twenty minutes, okay?"

Lexie and I nodded and Derek left with his father. I ran my hands along my bed and laid in it until Derek came. Lexie lay beside me and we both stared at the wooden carvings. Neither of us said anything. I didn't know why she was so quiet, but I was still overwhelmed from the day. Between making love with Derek twice in the mountains and been given the most amazing gift ever, I just couldn't think straight.

When Derek arrived, I could tell something was wrong. He didn't come in to get us, rather he leaned against his car with his arms crossed over his chest. Mark was in the car and only smiled a little as we approached. I reached for Derek. "What's wrong?"

His jaw worked beneath his skin. I pried my fingers between his arms, breaking them from the aggressive pose. "I'm so mad."

"At me?"

He softened. "No. No, definitely not." He leaned down to kiss me briefly. Lexie walked around the car and climbed in behind Mark, probably giving us a minute alone.

"What happened?"

Derek sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "When Dad and I got back to the shop, there were some guys there. Two of them. They wanted to shop but my dad told them he was closed for the day. They looked like drifters or something, dressed in dirty t-shirts and old boots. They both had these big backpacks on. When my dad told them to come back the next day, they got in his face." He blew out an angry sigh.

"Is he okay?"

"Yeah, he's fine. I stepped in and we both told them to leave, but they were so pushy. I'm sure they wanted to rob us or something, but my dad didn't think so. He thought it was just a power play thing, but it didn't feel right."

I walked forward and wrapped myself around Derek's middle. "But you're both okay."

Derek's hand slid over my hair. "We're fine."

"That's all that matters."

Derek seemed calmer after our talk and he was chatty on our drive upstate to the drive-in theater. Lexie couldn't stop talking about the movie and how excited she was. I was excited too, but I kept my eye on Derek, making sure he was okay. He smiled at me a few times, probably trying to be reassuring, and it generally worked. I wondered, though, what might've happened if Derek wasn't there. Michael wasn't a small man by any measure, but he was a forgiving man and if Derek had been right, maybe there would've been a bigger problem.

I forced myself to think of anything else as we drove into the drive-in, parking pretty close to the screen. I didn't want to ruin our evening. Mark and Lexie hopped out for snacks and Derek and I unloaded the blankets and lawn chairs he'd packed in the back. Derek was still thoughtful, so once we had everything laid out, I curled my hand along his arm, waiting for him to look at me. When he did I leaned into him, running my free hand over his shoulder. "I love you."

Derek grinned wide and pressed his forehead to mine. "I love you."

Lexie and Mark returned some time later with too many snacks and drinks for the four of us. Derek and I settled down onto the blanket, two cheeseburgers, two orders of French fries, a corn dog, and onion rings before us, plus two huge sodas. Lexie was already eating her burger, seated next to Mark in a lawn chair. She stared at the screen, waiting for the movie to start.

"So I'm thinking of having one last huge party before school starts up," Mark said. "Are you two in?"

Derek looked at me and we nodded. "Yeah," I said. "Sounds good."

"Can I come?" Lexie asked.

"No can do, Lex. You're too young."

She pouted at Mark. "Too young for what? Drinking? So are you."

Mark laughed and reached out to steal some of her fries even though he had his own. "Yes, but we're closer to the legal age than you are."

"Meredith isn't. I mean, she's closer than I am, but she's only sixteen."

"Leave me out of this," I said.

"Plus, she barely drinks," Derek said with a grin.

"I want to come to your party."

Mark leaned back in his chair and folded his arms behind his head. I was sure Mark was attractive to someone, but I just didn't see it. Lexie did, though, I knew that much. "What if I had a pre-party and invited you? How would that be?"

"A pre-party?" Lexie asked.

"Sure. It'll be earlier and we can do all the party stuff, just without the drinking."

"That sounds terrible," Lexie groaned.

Derek laughed and I could feel it reverberating down my arm. "It really does."

"Well you can't come to a party where everyone is drinking."

Lexie crossed her arms over her chest defiantly. "Why not?"

"You're too young."

"That's bullshit."

"Hey, Lex, language," I scolded like a mom.

Lexie narrowed her eyes at me and I could see it would take a lot for us to win this fight. If Lexie didn't get to come, she'd probably rat us out. She'd gotten better over the last few months, but she was still my little annoying sister. I sighed and pulled my legs to my chest. "Maybe she can come just for a little while," I said to Mark. "I'll bring her and then we'll leave after an hour." I looked at Lexie. "How does that sound?"

"Two hours," she bartered.

"My parties don't even start until nine. Isn't that your bedtime?" Mark teased.

"Don't treat me like a little kid," she said and I could tell she was upset.

"Mark, make your party start at eight. Lexie, you can have until nine-thirty, latest, but you have to run it by Mom and Dad first."

Lexie looked pretty pleased. "Okay," she said brightly.

"She runs a hard bargain," Derek said quietly to me.

"She's a Grey. It's in our blood."

I watched Mark reach out and take Lexie by the shoulders, drawing her into him. The gesture was strictly platonic and comforting, but it didn't seem that way to Lexie. She smiled reverently, much as I did when Derek put his arm around me. Lexie and I shared a lot, our strong personalities, our noses, and a love of the men in our lives. Maybe I should've warned her to move away from him, but Mark was a good friend to Lexie and I didn't want to come between that.

The movie started and Derek pulled me close. I'd seen _Jurassic Park_ countless times, but there's something about seeing it on the big screen to really pull you in. I could feel Derek's breath on my skin as he watched me watch the movie, and we were probably supposed to make out like the teenagers we were, but I was so invested. During a lull, I heard him laughing and I glanced at him. "What?" I asked.

"You're very cute when you're watching a movie."

I rested my hand on his upper thigh. "I'm not supposed to be cute. You're supposed to find me sexy and alluring and mesmerizing."

"Oh I do. But I also find you cute." He kissed my cheek. "And adorable." He kissed my nose. "And completely endearing." He kissed my mouth. If it weren't for Lexie throwing popcorn at us, (seriously, how did she eat so much?) I would've kept kissing Derek all night long.

By the time the movie was ending, I was exhausted. Lexie and I sat in the back seat on the way home and I slept most of the way. I woke with Derek opening my door, his face close to mine. "Wake up," he whispered and I smiled sleepily at him. Lexie was being coaxed from the car by Mark and the two of them walked up to my front door.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Nearly midnight."

"What time exactly?"

Derek checked his watch. "It's 11:42."

"Let's go on the swings."

He laughed at me. "Really?"

I climbed from Mark's car and waved to him as we passed. Susan was watching and I motioned to the swings in Derek's backyard. I was still tired, but the cool evening air felt good and I wasn't ready to leave Derek yet. I sat down on one of the swings and Derek sat on the other. We both began pumping our legs, reaching higher and higher with each pass. I grinned at Derek and he laughed with joy.

As we reached the absolute top, Derek jumped high and far from his swing. I watched his legs kick out and the brief look of fear before he landed on his feet with a shout. I shushed him, reminding him how late it was.

"Jump," he called.

I shook my head. "Heck no."

"Come on. I'll catch you!"

"Are you crazy?"

"A little bit." He held his arms out in a wide circle and waved me forward. "Trust me."

I continued to pump my legs, going as high as I could. I stared down at Derek and I figured there was no way he could ever catch me. But I decided to trust him. I moved my arms around the ropes and as I reached the top, I leaned forward, propelling myself towards Derek. I screamed and closed my eyes, waiting to fall to the ground with a broken arm or leg. But no. He caught me. Derek's arms wrapped around me and I hit with a hard thunk. I winced and he made a noise, but neither of us was actually hurt.

Derek put me down onto my feet and smiled at me. "You trusted me."

I nodded. "I did."

He walked me back to my house at 11:59 and kissed me goodnight at the back door. Susan and Lexie had gone to bed and my dad was busy in his office, so I headed right upstairs. Derek was already in his room, changing in front of the window with his lights on. I paused to watch him pull his shirt off, feeling like a voyeur. And then Derek looked over at me and grinned.

I removed my clothes while he watched, reveling in the intimacy of it all. After I'd changed into my pajamas and Derek had changed into his, he called me. We lay in our own beds and whispered to each other for another hour at least. I fell asleep with his voice in my ear.


	26. 2014, Derek (13)

**Another day, another update. I hope you're not upset they're coming so quickly! ;) **

**I do want to mention one thing: just because Meredith and Derek weren't together doesn't mean either of them stayed celibate. They're young and attractive people, and they both experienced a lot apart from one another. Just because Meredith had a child doesn't mean she's never been on a date besides one with Derek and just because Derek left doesn't mean he was screwing everyone around. I hope that's clear!**

**Thank you as always for the wonderful comments on the last chapter! xx**

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><p><strong>2014, Derek<strong>

When I wake up, it's barely morning. Outside is still dark and the house is still cold and shadowy. But beside me lies Meredith, warm and very real. After years of dreams like this, it seems impossible that I have her here. I reach out and touch her smooth back, feeling the plain from her shoulders down her spine. The moonlight spills across her and I can't help but lean down to kiss each of her shoulders. She stirs in her sleep, pushing back against me. I wrap my arms around her, drawing her nearer.

I remember one of the last times we'd made love before everything ended. We'd been by the lake in the mountains and my dad and I were plotting to gift her the bed frame she'd loved so much in his shop. That was the day the two men who'd ended up killing my father first showed up. But before that, everything was good and happy. Meredith and I had lain together in the forest for hours. It'd been our first time without a condom and I wonder if that was the moment Caroline was conceived. It made sense because everything after that was close to my father's death. It must've been that day.

In her sleep, Meredith rolls over so she's lying on her back but she's facing me. She curls her hand around the blanket and pulls it up to her chin. She shivers. I pull her into me, warming her and she sighs.

I am so in love with her.

I close my eyes, listening to the rhythmic sound of her breathing which puts me to sleep. But not for long. My alarm goes off less than an hour later, blaring from my phone in my pocket. I groan and reach for my pants, pulling my phone out. Meredith sighs and rolls away from me. "Loud," she mutters.

I turn off my alarm and drop my phone to the ground. I roll back into her and Meredith finds me, curling against my chest. "We shouldn't have done that," she sighs.

"You're right."

She smiles against my skin. "I like being right."

I run my hands up and down her back and I thread my fingers into her hair. I can't keep my eyes open, but if I could I'd be blinded by how beautiful she is. Meredith presses a kiss to my chest. "What do we do now?" she whispers.

When I open my eyes she's looking at me. I meet her gaze and shrug. "I have no idea."

Her fingers sweep over my hip and along my lower back. I love feeling her hands on me. It's so different than it was six years ago. First, because we'd never woken up together, but mostly because she was so shy then. She'd touch me, but only in the most innocuous places. But now she runs her hand over my butt and slowly up my side. She touches the tuft of hair just below my belly button. She isn't helping me with the concentrating thing.

"Is this a onetime thing? Revisiting the past and all that?"

"I don't want it to be," I say honestly.

Meredith relaxes. "Me neither."

My alarm chirps again and she grumbles. I stretch down and turn off my alarm for good, figuring I won't be going back to sleep now. I find Meredith again and run my fingers through her hair. "I don't want to leave you like this, but I have work."

She nods and caresses my back. "It's okay."

"You can stay here as long as you like."

"When will you be back?"

"Tonight, but I'm picking up my mother at the airport."

Meredith frowns. "I forgot."

I lean in and press my forehead to hers. "Tonight is the two of us and then tomorrow she'll meet Caroline. I don't know if I can get away."

Meredith fists my sides in her hands, dragging me closer to her. "Okay," she whispers and kisses along my neck, nipping a few sensitive places along the way.

"After everything settles down, can we figure this out?"

"Yes, please," she says along my skin.

I laugh softly. "If you keep doing that I'll never leave."

Her arms tighten around me. "Then don't."

I lean down to kiss her and she holds onto my jaw as I do. Her mouth tastes warm and inviting, her skin is flushed beneath my hands. I press into her until her back is on the mattress and I'm above her, holding onto any part of her I can. Her mouth opens to me and I take her, prodding my tongue along hers. I could make love to her again, I'm ready, but I have no time and I don't want to rush a single second with her.

While we kiss, I imagine how life can be between us. Maybe this could be our every morning. Maybe we could live together, in this house, and our daughter could wake us up with her pattering feet running down the hallway. Maybe life could be simple together. We'd imagined it once, a long time ago, and the fantasy is still very real and desirable. Just as real and desirable as she is right now.

I pull myself away and look into Meredith's heavy-lidded eyes. "I have to go."

She nods and pulls the blanket tightly over her body. "You really don't care if I stay a while longer?"

"Not at all," I smile softly.

I stand up and I'm acutely aware of Meredith's eyes on my naked body. I peek at her and she grins guiltily. I pull on my clothes from yesterday, having not brought anything from Mark's place since I didn't plan to stay over. Meredith tosses me my shirt and I pull it on. I lean over her and kiss her soundly, running my hand through her hair and down along her shoulder. She shivers beneath my touch.

"I'll call you at lunch."

"You better."

I hold her hand in mine. "Let's promise each other not to freak out today."

She laughs a little and squeezes my palm. "You know me so well. I was already panicking a little."

"Don't. We'll talk about this."

"Okay."

"We'll figure it out."

"Okay."

I grin at her and I force myself to look away because she's too alluring right now. I pick up my shoes from the floor and cross to the bedroom door. Meredith yawns behind me and I turn to look at her once more. She blinks sleepily at me and every inch of my skin screams for her. "Go," she says softly and I nod. Her eyes flutter closed and I leave the room before I can imagine her naked above me once more.

When I get to work, I'm immediately thrust into a big case, so I can't think of anything except medicine, dosages, and symptoms. I see Mark in passing, but our conversation is a greeting, a nod of the head, and an "I'll see you later." By lunch, I don't even have a second to breathe, let alone call Meredith, so I text her. _I hope your day isn't as busy as mine. I can't call._ I think about all the things I want to write to her. _I love you; You're the most incredible woman I've ever known; I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you_, but all of it would be too much too soon. So I end the text with: _I wish I were in bed with you right now._

By mid-afternoon, I'm going into surgery, which arguably is one of my favorite things. I wash my hands meticulously, breathing deeply through my paper mask. These are the moments I looked forward to in medical school; the moments I could hold a scalpel and make a cut. The moment when you think you might lose the patient, and then he or she bounces back, the heart beating strong beneath the skin. I long for the day the OR will be mine, but it's still just a high to even be in the room right now.

While Dr. Fields operates, I take in every moment of her hand, every description she offers me, and every piece of advice. But my thoughts are cloudy. I keep picturing Meredith. I try to stop myself, but she's there, washing over my every thought. The way her voice sounds in the middle of the night. How the skin between her shoulder blades taste. The way her mouth quirks up into a smile as I kiss her inner thighs. I thought I'd known everything there was to know about her when we were younger, but there's still so much to learn.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Dr. Fields interrupts my thoughts.

I shake my head of the images. "Yes ma'am?"

"Is my craniotomy boring you?"

I stand tall and alert. "No ma'am."

"Good. Now, can you tell me, from start to finish, how a appendectomy should be performed?"

I take a deep breath and begin.

I only wait at the airport for about 15 minutes before I see my mother. She still looks beautiful and warm, but there's a sadness behind her eyes that didn't show up until my father died. She tries to mask her hurt with smiles and jokes, but it's always there. In the few months since I've last seen her, she seems infinitely smaller, but her bold stride as she walks towards me makes me think she's stronger now. Maybe that's what she needed all along: to be alone long enough to really come to terms with her loss.

My mom walks into my open arms and I hold her close, smelling her familiar perfume of balsam fir—the holiday candles she insists on burning all year long. Her grip is tight on me.

"Derek," she sighs as she pulls back. She looks up at me and cups my cheek with a gentleness only a mother can bestow upon a child. "You look so good. So happy."

I immediately smile wider. I have so many reasons to be happy, but the two main girls in my life are my number one reasons. "You look good, too. How have you been?"

She waves my question away and I take her carry on bag from her hand. "I'm the same as always. Now tell me about you. How has everything been?"

"Good," I say immediately. "Really good," I grin.

"Derek, please give me a bit more," she says as we walk from the gate towards baggage claim. "You have a daughter. Your life is irrevocably different. Give me an inch at least."

I laugh at my mother's theatrics. I put my arm around her as we wait for her luggage. "Having Caroline in my life is strange to be honest. A good strange, not a bad one. She's so much like me, but also so much like Meredith." I feel myself warm just saying her name. "She's chatty and brilliant and beautiful. She has so much life in her, so much energy. She's curious about everything and everyone. She tells awful jokes, but has the most infectious laugh. Mom," I look at her, "you're just going to love her."

My mom smiles up at me and the look in her eyes is something I've never seen before. I wonder if this is how she looked at my sisters when they had their first babies. "I can't wait to meet her."

After the airport, I drive slowly because I can only imagine my mother's reaction when she sees the house again, but as we pull up front, she doesn't look sad. She looks horrified. The front porch is still in shambles and the roof still needs repairs. I remember how sad I was when I first saw the house, but seeing someone else react to it feels wholly different.

We both step from the car and Mom walks to the front porch, touching the cracked and splintered wood. "Oh Derek," she sighs.

"I know. I have a carpenter coming this week to look at it. He should have it repaired by the following week. It's just temporary."

She nods and tips her head up. "Did you wash the windows?"

I laugh a little, knowing my mother so well that it seems completely normal for her to notice the clean windows. "Yes and I've done some painting. Just the living room, but it's a start." The cans of paint wait for me in the living room. I should've gotten more done last night, but I can't feel too badly about leaving more work for later this week.

We walk around the side of the house and my mom smiles at the swing set. "I figured it'd be torn down by now."

I touch the rusted metal chains holding up the swings and shake my head. "Caroline plays here a lot." She looks up at me. "I'm going to safety proof it and leave it up. Caroline loves it."

"I think that's a good idea." My mom glances to the Grey's house next door. "How does Meredith feel about you living next door?"

"She's fine with it. She understands I want to be closer to Caroline."

My mom nods and we walk up the back steps and into the house. Everything is quiet and I know by the fact that Meredith's car is gone from the driveway next door that she's not here, but I can almost hear her voice in the walls. I step into the kitchen with my mom beside me and we both stop and stare down at the floor. She takes my hand and I can feel her shaking.

I pull my mom into me and close my eyes. "It's okay. It passes," I say softly.

She nods and I hear her gasp. "I feel it all over again."

I squeeze her hand harder. "I know you do. I do, too."

"How can you stand it?"

I tug her from the room, through the dining room, and into the living room. The walls are a nice shade in the waning afternoon light and the scent of paint lingers in the air. "Because of this room. I can still remember Dad making fires in the fireplace on Christmas morning even though it wasn't cold enough out. I remember all my birthday parties in here, where Amelia would be chasing all my friends. You and Dad used to sit on the couch together, wrapped in a blanket, and I'd listen to you talk about your memories. This room is why I can stand it."

My mom wipes tears from her cheeks and smiles sadly. "I like the color."

"Thank you."

We walk through the house and Mom stops in certain rooms. She smiles at Amelia's room, which still looks like a fourteen year old lives there, and pauses at hers, before moving on quickly. I'm sure seeing the room she shared with my father is too much. We walk to my room and my heart begins to hammer in my chest. Will it look like I had company last night? Should it really matter if my mom sees either way? But the room is clean and the bed in made. I smile at the memory of the morning.

"You're sleeping in here?" she asks.

"I didn't want to sleep in your old bed. I think I'll move in there eventually, but his clothes are still in the closet and…" I sigh. "I just need a bit more time."

She nods knowingly. "I get it now. I understand why you wanted to come back here. It won't be easy, but this house shouldn't be in the state it's in. He had too much pride in this house to let it fall away."

"I agree."

There's a knock on the backdoor then and I wonder if Meredith's back. I can't say I want her to be here in this moment, because I'm sure the smile on my face will give us away, but I also do want her here. I want her right beside me. "I'll be right back," I say and walk down the stairs towards the backdoor. We used to have a curtain hanging over the glass in the door, but it was ruined the day my father died, so now the window is wide open to the backyard. And as I walk into the kitchen, I find Thatcher Grey staring at me.

_Shit_. I release a breath and pull open the door. "Hi Thatcher."

"Derek. Do you have a minute?"

I can hear my mom upstairs and I wonder if she needs a minute alone in the house. I did when I first came back, so it'd only make sense that she needs a minute as well. I nod and Thatcher steps back, making it clear that we'll talk outside. I'm very much aware of how funny this situation would probably be if not for the hatred in his eyes.

Thatcher and I walk down the steps to the picnic table on the back patio. I remember sitting here with him once before, when our families came together for a barbecue before the fireworks. It's a fond memory, despite the anger between us.

Thatcher doesn't sit. He faces me with his arms crossed over his chest. "I don't want you around my daughter. Either of my daughters."

I knew this was coming. "I don't believe that's possible. Meredith and I have a daughter together."

"You can't just be a father now after five years."

"I'll remind you I had no idea Caroline existed until two months ago."

"And whose fault is that?" He grins at me, as if he's won. Which, he sort of has.

I nod. "My fault. Believe me, sir, I know that. But it doesn't change the fact that I didn't know I was a father, so I couldn't be one until now. I think if you saw me around Caroline, you'd agree that I'm a good father to her."

He looks away from me. "This isn't about Caroline."

"Alright, then what is it about?"

"Meredith!" he throws his hands up in frustration. "You're not good for her."

"Thatcher, your daughter is twenty-two years old. Shouldn't you leave that for her to decide?"

"Her mind clouds when she's around you. You confuse her."

I can't help but laugh, although I try not to so I can be respectful. At the end of the day, this man is Meredith's father and my daughter's grandfather. "I hope you don't really believe Meredith is so easily confused. We both know she makes up her own mind."

"Not when it comes to you."

I feel a flicker of anger. "Are you saying I have some way of making up her mind for her? Because that's the furthest from the truth. Meredith has always and will always have complete free will around me. I have no way of swaying her. Especially not now. She's stronger than I've ever seen her."

"You're right about that."

My anger slips away and I remind myself that Thatcher Grey is a father to a daughter just like I am. He's protective and wants what's best for his girls. I wonder if I'll be the same way some day. It seems impossible not to be when you're a father to a daughter. "Look," I sigh and drop my arms to wipe away the defensive pose. "None of this was planned. You have to understand that I never wanted to leave."

"But you did," he says simply.

"I did. My family had been my family for nineteen years at that point and I couldn't just abandon them. I was the man of the house and my mom's heart was broken and my sisters were devastated. I did what I had to do to keep my family afloat. I can never take back how much that hurt Meredith, but I also don't know what state my family might be in right now if I hadn't chosen them. If I had a choice, my father wouldn't have died and I would've been standing beside Meredith's hospital bed when she had Caroline, but we can't choose things like that.

"What I'm trying to say, sir, is I'm still the kid who fell in love with your daughter six years ago. I haven't changed that much and if you trusted me back then, please try to trust me now."

Thatcher sighs and shakes his head. "You'll learn one day, when Caroline is fifteen, or sixteen, or maybe twenty-five, what it means to watch your daughter fall in love." His eyes meet mine. "It's difficult and painful sometimes and all you want to do is lock her in a room so no one can hurt her."

"Are you saying you expect me to be around for that long?" I ask, my voice wavering.

"I believe you when you say you won't leave again. I'm not saying leaving Caroline would be harder than leaving Meredith, because the relationships are so different, but I know you won't leave her." I feel myself smiling. "This doesn't mean I trust you, Derek. And this definitely doesn't mean you and my daughter should continue to have sleepovers."

My face heats. "Yes, well, Meredith and I have a lot to discuss."

"I'm sure you do."

The backdoor opens and my mom steps out. She stares at Thatcher for a second before smiling softly. "It's been a long time," she says and walks down the steps. They embrace and I'm reminded that they were friends that summer. Susan, Thatcher, and my parents spent time together and my mother's leaving must've shaken the Greys up as well. "It's good to see you."

Thatcher pulls back and grins at my mother. "You too, Carolyn. How are you?"

"Better."

"I'm glad to hear it."

I back away as they begin to catch up and head back inside. Thatcher's given me a lot to think about and for the most part, it's good news. The only dark spot is he can't trust me, but his trust can be earned and at the end of the day, I don't need him to fully trust me. I need Meredith to know I won't leave her. Everything else, the disappointed glares or the comments, or whatever Thatcher has up his sleeve is something I can just swallow away. I still have to talk to Meredith, but it looks like maybe, possibly, we can make this work. Together.


	27. 2008, Meredith (14)

**I appreciate your wonderful comments. Thank you!**

**I pre-apologize for this chapter.**

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><p><strong>2008, Meredith<strong>

Susan had a genius idea to take Lexie and I shopping for back to school clothes on the hottest day of the year so by the time we made it to the shopping center two towns over, our clothes were sticking to our sweaty skin and we were both in a mood. We walked in the shade to the first store, but it really made no difference. I was hot and tired and the heat made my stomach hurt. Susan offered me a bottle of water, but I shook my head. Even water seemed unappealing.

Lexie walked in first and practically screeched when the freaking cold air conditioning touched her damp skin. I shivered under the stream of air. "Well, at least it isn't hot," Susan said brightly. I was in no mood for her happiness today.

I didn't want to try on clothes, but I had nothing to wear for a fall in California. I was used to the rainy, damp falls in Seattle, not this brutal heat, so none of my sweaters or boots or scarves would work until the dead of winter. So I pulled some shirts and jeans from various piles and walked into the dressing room. I sat down on the bench for a second because I felt dizzy. I hadn't eaten anything that day, which clearly was making it harder to concentrate.

My phone beeped in my pocket and I pulled it out to read a text from Derek. _Meet me by the river when you get home._ I smiled and wrote him back. Derek was the one bright spot in my very bad day. He was leaving in two weeks for school, and while I didn't want to think about it, I was sure we'd be okay.

I figured if I shopped faster, I could get to Derek faster, so I pulled off my t-shirt and shorts and pulled on another t-shirt and some jeans. The jeans were a bit tight, but I was bloated, so I added them to the yes pile. Susan knocked on my door after a few minutes. "Find anything good?"

I handed the pile underneath the door. "These are good. I don't need them all, though." I'd chosen four pairs of jeans and eight shirts, which was excessive but I could never make a decision, so I always just had a big pile and picked from that.

"You need them all," she said. "You have nothing to wear."

"That's true. Thanks."

"Do you want to look more?"

"No, that's good."

Lexie had picked out a lot of new clothes, too, and I didn't look at the total when Susan paid, but it had to be a lot. We went shopping for shoes next and then we all got our haircut. I only took two inches off, but it made my hair feel so much lighter. As a treat, Susan took us out to lunch afterwards. There was this little bistro we'd wanted to try and it was as good a day as any.

We were seated in a glass room towards the back that was heavily air conditioned, but also was warm from the sun, so it was perfect. My stomach was still betraying me, but I decided to order a bowl of soup with some bread, hoping it helped me feel less dizzy. Lexie, as per usual, ordered a massive cheeseburger.

"Lexie, I need you to give me your volleyball schedule as soon as you have it," Susan said while stirring her iced tea. "I'm going to add them to my schedule so I can make sure I'm at your games."

"I can go to some of Lexie's games," I offered. "If you're busy."

"Really?" Lexie asked and I could tell she was excited at the thought.

"Sure. I can even drive once I have my license," I smiled coyly at Susan.

She laughed and shook her head. "Talk to your father about that one. I think you should have your license, but he's afraid you'll take out a mailman or something."

"Mailmen drive trucks. I can't take one out. Plus, mail person is more P.C."

"Nothing is actually P.C. these days," she complains. "The point is, I'm not holding you back. I think you could do with a bit more independence. We will have rules of course, and if your father sets as many as I think he will, they'll all be about not driving to San Francisco to see your boyfriend."

I smiled and looked down into my water glass. "But I can visit him, right?"

"Maybe tonight we'll have a conversation with your father. I think both you and Derek have proved yourself trustworthy this summer."

"Thank you, Mom," I said and I noticed the familiar flick of recognition in Susan's eye. I never called her mom and when I did, it always seemed to strike a chord.

The rest of lunch went by with me barely eating anything, Lexie asking if I was anorexic, and Susan admonishing the two of us. On the way home, Susan bought me a ginger ale which really helped and by the time we were walking in the front door, I felt pretty amazing. Lexie and I lugged our bags upstairs and stowed our new clothes away. Lexie came into my room afterwards and lay down on my bed.

I lay down next to Lexie and the two of us stare at the ceiling above. "Are you excited for school?"

Lexie shrugged. "It sucks being the new kid in the last year at a school. I mean, next year I'll be at the high school. It seems stupid to even learn the inner workings of the middle school."

"True, but you'll be there a lot with your sports. Plus, if you learn the inner workings, then you can sneak around between classes and hide from teachers while you smoke cigarettes and take those hardcore drugs."

"You're so stupid," she said and nudged my shoulder.

I laughed and crossed my hands over my stomach. "At least you already have friends. I don't know anyone."

"That's true. Maybe at Mark's party next weekend you can ask him and Derek to introduce you to people. I'm guessing some of the people who are going are still in high school."

"You are so smart sometimes."

"I know," she said flippantly and sat up. "When you get your license, will you really come to my volleyball games?"

I sat up as well and leaned into her. "Sure."

"Promise?" she stuck out her pinky.

I wrapped my finger in hers. "Pinky promise."

Lexie went to her room then to get ready to spend the afternoon with some of her volleyball friends and I text Derek I was home. We agreed to meet at the edge of the forest, so I headed outside, back into the heat, and rushed into the shade. I leaned against a tree and watched Derek approach. He was slow in his movements, as if he was teasing me, and he even had this cute little smile on his lips.

When he met me against the tree, he took my hands and leaned down to kiss me deeply. I sighed against his mouth and felt him press into me. I practically climbed up him, wrapping my legs around his back and clinging to his neck as he turned us and hid us behind a tree. His mouth moved down my throat and a gasp echoed from my mouth and through the woods. We didn't last long clothed, we never did, and soon enough we were both tangled in leaves, dirt, and each other, kissing and touching everywhere.

We'd both thought ahead and worn our bathing suits, so afterwards we went in to the water together, lying on our backs and floating slowly down stream. "Where does this let out?"

"Lake Morris about twenty miles away. Do you think we can float the entire way?"

I took his hand and nodded. "I'd like to see us try."

We didn't make it all the way to Lake Morris, but we did float long enough that we had to hike about 15 minutes back to our clothes, our feet freezing in the water and our shoulders baking in the heat. We sat along the water for a long time talking about nothing. I used to spend my time with my friends like this, bullshitting and laughing. I'd never really considered what it'd be like for me to do it with a boyfriend. I guess I always assumed being with someone else would mean something different.

But with Derek, he'd become my best friend. I never wanted to think of us breaking up, but I was realistic and most high school (or college, for him) romances didn't last. I knew we could make it though, but if we didn't, I liked to think that Derek and I could still be good friends. I confided in him. He knew so much about me. We were open and honest. Weren't those all the good markings for a life-long friendship?

The afternoon wore on and Derek had to head home. I was tired of being in the sun as well, so I didn't put up much of a fight. I did, however, stop us both to kiss him again long and slow. I gently touched his jaw, feeling his warm skin beneath my fingertips. I held onto his shirt, fisting the material in my other hand. He held me close and grabbed me by the back of the neck. I laughed against his lips and moved back just an inch.

"So handsy," I teased.

"Speak for yourself," he kissed my nose.

As we walked back, my stomach turned and I sighed. "What's wrong?"

"I have this stupid stomach bug. It's been bothering me all day."

Derek frowned. "I'm sorry. You should've told me."

I squeezed his hand. "It stopped bothering me after lunch and didn't start again until now. It'll pass. I'll be fine."

"Maybe I'll bring you soup tomorrow if your stomach still hurts."

"You do that." I kissed him again.

"I think my mom has this tea for upset stomachs."

I laughed at him. "Really, I'll be fine."

Derek shook his head. "It's right in the kitchen. I'll grab some. Come on."

I hadn't been in Derek's house since Michael had caught me in the closet, which made me a little nervous to go inside, but then I remembered the beautiful bed he'd created for me and I felt forgiven. I remembered the first time I'd come here and how the house had smelled of Christmas trees. Derek had told me his mother loved balsam candles and I decided I'd buy some for her next time I was over. I hadn't seen much of Carolyn lately and once Derek was away at school, I was sure she'd miss him, so I decided to be the friendly face next door.

Derek opened the kitchen door and walked in ahead of me. I was wondering if I should take my shoes off, but I never had before, so there was no reason to do so now. That's when I heard it. I heard _him_. Derek's voice cut through the room and my bones shifted in my body. His voice was primal. "Dad?" he practically shouted and by his tone I knew something was deeply wrong.

"Derek?" I asked and followed him into the kitchen. I saw the blood first.

I put my hand to my mouth and stared down at the floor where the body of Michael Shepherd laid in a pool of blood so deeply red, it didn't even look real. _He's playing a trick_, I thought and continued to stare. But he didn't move and Derek's sob ripped through the quiet house.

Derek dropped to his knees beside his father and shook his shoulders. I saw the two red circles on Michael's shirt. The fabric had been ripped through and then I realized: _bullets_. "Dad?" Derek's voice was strangled and loud. He shook his father again, but the older man didn't move. He was so pale, almost blue and his face was completely different than I'd ever seen before. I wanted to run from the room, but I stayed. I stayed and waited.

After a minute, Derek touched his father's wrist and when that didn't work, he touched his neck. He looked like he wanted to place his hand on Michael's chest, but the bullet wounds were there so his hand just twitched at his side. "Oh my god," Derek gasped and he crumbled. I'd never seen anything demolished before except on TV, but the way Derek fell to the ground and the rumbling that came from his chest reminded me of a demolished building.

I went to him then, kneeling beside him, feeling the sticky blood on my knees and wrapped my arms around his neck, drawing us together. For a minute he just took gasps of air until he began sobbing. I cried beside him, the two of us rocking as Michael's dead body haunted the room. Derek choked and sputtered and eventually pulled away from me. His face was bright red and wet with tears and sweat. He glanced at the body and his face crumbled all over again.

Derek reached for the phone and I watched him dial 911. I made sure to focus only on Derek because I couldn't look at Michael. But the pain in Derek's face was so real, I could feel it all the way to my toes. "Yes, I'd like to report a murder," Derek's voice was clipped. The dispatcher said something and his face scrunched up again. He opened his mouth to speak but a sob came out.

I walked over and took the phone from him. "Excuse me? Sir? Who's been killed?"

"My boyfriend's father's been shot and killed. M-Michael Shepherd," I managed before I threw up all across the black and white kitchen tiles.

When the police and ambulance showed up, Derek and I were sitting on the back porch covered in blood and vomit for myself. The EMTs rushed past us and the police headed in as well except for one man who squatted down in front of us. He looked kind. He handed us each a wet towel and when we didn't take them, he piled them on the steps beside us.

"Derek?" he asked, but Derek said nothing. He turned to me. "Miss, can you tell me your name?"

"Meredith Grey," I whispered.

"Meredith. I'm Police Chief Martin Hanson. You can call me Martin. Can you tell me what happened?"

I glanced towards Derek. He was staring at the woods, unblinking. His eyes were rimmed red and his mouth was downturned. "Miss Grey?" Chief Hanson asked.

I swallowed and looked at my bloody hands. I could see the vomit flecked on my shirt. "I threw up."

"It's okay." His hand patted my arm, which was clear of any bodily fluids. "Can you tell me what happened here? Were you two here when Mr. Shepherd was shot?"

"Do you know him?" I asked. This was a small town, after all.

"Yes, I've know Michael for a long while."

"I'm sorry."

He nodded seriously. "Me, too. But Meredith, I really need to know what happened."

I squeezed my hands into fists and choked back the tears. I closed my eyes and I saw Michael Shepherd's body on the floor. "Oh god," I gasped and the tears racked through me again. I could hear Derek's pleading voice ringing through my ears. I wanted to curl into him, seek comfort in him, but he'd closed himself off. He was protecting himself.

"We weren't here." I whispered. "We didn't even know…" I shook my head. "We were in the woods and we came back here and there he was. He was on the floor and blue and he was dead." I could barely get the words out.

Then I felt Derek's hand in mine and I looked up at him. His eyes were watery and his lip was trembling and I knew we'd never forget this. This would change us. I squeezed his hand back and we both fell apart, rushing into the comfort of each other's arms. He held me so tightly I thought I might break and I held him back just as hard. I gasped and cried and at one point I think I screamed.

Another ambulance came and they insisted on checking me out. I didn't release Derek's hand while the two of us walked towards the back of the ambulance. The other ambulance had been backed up along the grass to load Michael Shepherd's dead body into the back. Derek and I didn't watch. As we approached the ambulance, a car pulled into my driveway and Susan stepped out. She saw Derek and I and ran towards me.

"Meredith?" her voice was frantic. As she reached me I let her hug me and I cried and cried. "What happened?" she asked, pulling back. "Derek?" she reached for him and hooked her hand around the back of his neck. He didn't move, but his eyes slid to hers. "What's happening?"

The other ambulance began to pull away and the EMTs not riding with them came towards us. "Ma'am, can we help you?" The older of the two asked.

"This is my daughter and her boyfriend. Can you please tell me what happened?"

The EMT shook his head a little. "I'm sorry, but I can't. I need to check her out, though."

Susan's eyes were wide. "Meredith? Why?"

"It's procedure. She's a minor, so we just need to make sure she's okay."

"I'm fine," I whispered.

Susan cupped my cheeks in her hands. "_Please_ Meredith, what happened?"

"My father's dead," Derek whispered and then walked away from us and towards his house.

Susan rode with me as the ambulance took me to the hospital. She asked a lot of questions and I didn't answer any of them. I had left my phone at home, so I had no way of contacting Derek, so I just stared at my blood stained hands. When we arrived at the hospital, an intern looked me over. I didn't answer his questions either, so Susan had to. Apparently my blood pressure was really high, which is why they brought me all the way to St. Mary's Hospital. I was calm, but my blood pressure wouldn't go down. I just wanted to be with Derek.

Susan was asked to leave while they checked me over. When a doctor pressed on my stomach, I winced. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"Hurts."

"I understand you weren't in an altercation?"

I shook my head. The time to be quiet had passed. I had to answer the doctor's questions.

"Do you mind if I just check to make sure everything looks okay?"

I shook my head no again.

She brought in a machine and all I could think about was Derek. And then I thought of poor Carolyn. Did she know yet her husband was dead? Who had killed him? Would it happen again? I was afraid for Derek then. What if someone came back and hurt him? I wanted to leave the hospital as soon as possible, but my shirt was up and the doctor was running a cold wand over my stomach. I closed my eyes and focused on anything except for the feeling of vulnerability.

The doctor put my shirt back down and made a note on her chart. "Meredith, I'm just going to take a little blood, is that alright?"

I stuck my arm out and she did what she had to. After the doctor left, Susan came back in and held my hand until her phone rang and she left the room. I wanted to hear everything, but she was far away and I could only watch the expression on her face. When she returned I asked who it was, but she wouldn't tell me.

It felt like the doctor took forever to come back, but when she did, she asked Susan to wait on the other side of the ER and she'd come get her when the time was right. The doctor pulled the curtains closed around us and sat on the edge of my bed. "Meredith, are you sexually active?"

I blushed despite it all. "Yes."

"Do you use protection?"

My heart beat loudly in my chest. "Yes."

"Condoms?"

"No," I said slowly. "I'm on birth control."

The doctor nodded and looked down at her chart before meeting my eyes. She looked tired, but pretty and I wondered how this job affected her. Maybe she would've been prettier if she wasn't giving people bad news every day. I stared at her for a few seconds too long, feeling the truth already in my chest. I knew it without knowing it. So when she said it, the sob was already passing my lips.

"You're pregnant, Meredith."


	28. 2014, Derek (14)

**Hi everyone! Despite the last chapter being sad, I hope you liked it. I didn't hear from many of you and your comments always help me. There were nearly 1,000 of you reading, so at least there's that! Thank you to the few of you who did comment. It means a lot!**

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><p><strong>2014, Derek<strong>

Caroline and Lexie are due home any minute and I'm standing in the warm afternoon sun watching the carpenter measure out the new front deck. I'd expected him later in the week, but he had an opening and I took it. Mom's inside painting Caroline's future bedroom yellow (Caroline's favorite color) even though I told her not to. She's been busy since she arrived yesterday afternoon: cleaning my kitchen, dusting my sisters' former bedrooms, and even cleaning Dad's clothes from the closet. Most everything is set to be donated except for a few things Mom's kept and one of Dad's old leather jackets that I take. It fits me now.

I take a sip of my beer and listen while Rick the carpenter tells me things I don't understand. "If we lengthened the whole flat just six more inches, we'd have to put a bracket in the stand and—"

"Whatever you think is best, although I'm happy with the size of the previous porch."

"Alright," he says and shades his eyes from the sun.

I glance over at the Grey's place and wonder where Meredith's been all day. I text her last night and she text me back, but I expected to catch a peek of her today, but she's been inside all day. I turn away from the house and finish off my beer, tossing the empty bottle into the recycling can next to the house.

"Well, I think I have everything," Rick says and walks down the shaky steps. "I should have an estimate tomorrow and we can get started on Wednesday if it suits you."

"That sounds great. I'll wait for your call." Rick and I shake hands and he heads to his truck.

As Rick pulls away, Lexie's car comes into view and I can't help but smile wide when I catch a glimpse of Caroline in the backseat. The front door to the Grey's house opens and Meredith steps out. She catches my eye and smiles at me before bounding down the stairs. Caroline is already unbuckling her seat belt and struggling out the door when Meredith pulls the door all the way open and wraps her arms around our daughter.

Lexie climbs from the car and smiles at me. She looks relaxed and happy. "Hi Derek."

"Hey Lex," I smile and join the reunion on the driveway.

Caroline clings to her mother, her small hands fisted in Meredith's hair. Meredith presses her nose to Caroline's hair and takes a deep breath. "I missed you so much!"

"I missed you, too, Mommy."

"Did you have a nice time?"

Caroline pulls back and takes a deep breath. "Oh yes! We went to Lake Tay-hoe," she says, pronouncing it totally wrong. "We saw fish and we went shopping and ate ice cream for breakfast."

"Hey," Lexie says with a laugh. "Your daughter is terrible at keeping secrets."

Caroline's eyes find me and she wriggles from Meredith's arms and bolts to me. I crouch down to hug her and she practically knocks me on my ass. I laugh into her hair, hugging her tightly against my chest. She smells like lemons and she's soft and warm in my arms. "Hi Daddy," she says so quietly I can barely hear her and it makes my heart squeeze in my chest. I press a kiss to her cheek and hug her even tighter. "Hi baby," I whisper back and she giggles.

When we pull away, she stays firmly in my arms so I stand and hold her against me. I look over at Meredith and she's staring at the two of us with her arms crossed over her stomach. She is smirking at me and I would give everything to kiss her right here and now. I sigh and smile at Caroline. "Did your Aunt Lexie tell you whose here to meet you?"

She nods seriously. "My other grandma."

"Yes. Do you know who she is to me?"

Caroline thinks long and hard. "Is she your mama?"

I smile and kiss her forehead. "She is. Do you want to meet her?"

Caroline touches my shirt, playing with my collar. "Yeah."

I put her down on her own two feet. "I'll be right back."

I find my mom sitting in the window seat that overlooks the Grey's front yard with tears streaming down her face. By the time I reach her, she's completely hysterical. I pull my mom into a hug and wonder if this is the moment when she really realized my dad is gone. But she starts talking and I've gotten it all wrong. "Oh Derek, she's so beautiful. And so happy! I'm so relieved!"

I laugh and hug my mom tightly before pulling away. "She's amazing. And she's ready to meet you. Come on."

If I didn't know my daughter at all, I would've assumed she'd hide from my mother, a stranger, but I know my daughter so well that when we walk outside she marches right up to my mom and me and stares into my mother's face. She doesn't say anything at first, but finally she smiles and says, "Hi, I'm Caroline." Her voice is always melodic and beautiful to me.

"Hi Caroline," my mom kneels down in front of her. "I'm your grandma."

"My daddy doesn't look like you."

Mom smiles at her, "No, he looks like his daddy."

"Is he here?" she asks.

"No sweetie, he's gone to heaven."

Caroline points up to the sky and smiles and waves before turning back to my mom, who is now blinking away tears. "Can I call you grandma?"

My mom nods. "Sure."

"Can I tell you a joke?"

"Yes, please."

Caroline's face turns serious as she says, "What do you get when you cross a duck with fireworks?" Caroline doesn't wait for my mom to answer. "A firequacker," she says proudly and all four of us laugh right along with her.

"You're a smart little girl, aren't you?"

She nods and reaches for my mom's hand. "Do you want to play on the swings with me?"

"I'd love to."

While Caroline and my mom head off together, I help Lexie remove the luggage from the trunk while she updates Meredith and me about their weekend away. "She was perfect all weekend. No trouble at all. I thought maybe she'd be upset the first night like she was last year, but she was great. All she did was talk about you, Derek," Lexie says warmly. "She wanted me to buy everything for you. She did get you a gift, but I think it's more your style than a frog tie."

I laugh and then shrug. "You didn't have to buy anything for me."

"I didn't. You'll see," she says with a smile. "And Meredith, your present is…interesting. She's really excited about it, though, so have an open mind."

"I always do when it comes to my daughter."

I grab the luggage and carry it up the steps and inside. Susan is in the living room and smiles when she sees Lexie. "Hi sweetie," she greets and stands up to hug Lexie. "Where's Caroline?"

"Outside with Derek's mom."

"Carolyn is here? Oh, I have to see her."

Susan leaves us all behind and I continue carrying the luggage to Caroline's room. Meredith follows me and takes the bag from my hand and sets it on a wicker chest next to the shared bathroom door. I look behind me and Lexie isn't there like I expected. Meredith's eyes settle on mine and I wonder if we're both thinking of Saturday night and Sunday morning.

I take a half-step closer to her and Meredith seems to relax a bit. I hadn't noticed she was tense until right now. She walks towards me and extends her hand, which I take. "Are you freaking out?" I ask.

She nods and then laughs a little; the sound warms me. "Just a little."

"Why?"

"Aren't you?" she asks.

I shrug."No, not yet. Should I be?"

"I don't know. I mean, I just slept with my high school boyfriend, who I had a kid with, who didn't know about said kid until a couple of months ago, and I have no idea what any of it means. I mean, we both said this is real, but what does real mean to you? Are we like, a couple, or are we just seeing where this goes? I can't screw around here, not when Caroline's on the line. I have to figure this out. We have to figure this out or—"

I press my mouth to hers to shut her up because everything she is saying is beginning to freak me out. I don't know where any of this led us, but I do know I want to be kissing her again. As I pull away, her lips linger on mine and I consider how long I've gone without kissing her, so I press into her again. It is lewd making out with Meredith in our daughter's bedroom, but she has always fit against me perfectly and time hasn't diminished that, so it feels like I have to be kissing her right now.

As we break apart, Meredith whispers, "Are you freaking out now?"

"Just a little."

"Meredith, Derek!" Lexie calls from downstairs.

Meredith and I break apart and both rush from Caroline's room. We share a nervous smile and I let her go first. She walks ahead of me and I try to keep my eyes anywhere but her ass, but it's a losing battle. Lexie is already outside and I see why she yelled. In the backyard is my mom, Susan, and Thatcher, all running around with my daughter. Lexie looks back and smiles at us. "I figured you wouldn't want to miss this."

I step outside and Meredith follows. We stand on the back porch and watch while Thatcher catches up with Caroline and pulls her into his arms. She releases a squeal and manages to break from his grip and runs towards my mom, who tickles her sides, but lets her go. Susan is relentless and when she tangles herself in Caroline's arms, the two of them laugh and tickle one another for a few minutes.

I feel Meredith's fingers lightly brush mine and I look down at her. She's grinning at me. "We have the most loved little girl ever."

I nod, thinking that same thing. "Let's keep it that way."

Lexie, Meredith, and I join in the fun and all of us run and play and pretend to be children for the rest of the afternoon.

For dinner, Susan and Thatcher invite my mom and me over. Mom insists on baking dessert even though my kitchen is barely operational, but she ends up making a beautiful strawberry tart, so I don't rag on her too much. I realize as we ring the doorbell that my mom has yet to really talk to Meredith. They were too busy chasing Caroline around to greet one another, so when Meredith opens the door, they share a smile.

My mom hands me the tart and steps forward, folding Meredith into her arms. "Gosh you're even more beautiful than you were all those years ago."

Meredith blushes and smiles at me over Mom's shoulder. "Thank you, you look very good."

As my mom pulls away, she cups Meredith's jaw in her hands and really looks at her. I watch them staring at each other and I wonder what either of them might be thinking. "I'm so sorry for my part in Derek leaving." Her eyes flit to mine and she drops her hands from Meredith's face. "But I'm so glad for that little girl."

Meredith nods. "I'm glad for her, too." They squeeze hands and Meredith steps back to let us both in.

As I pass Meredith, I give her a look. I want her to understand how I wish I could touch her or kiss her right now, but I can't. Not until we've figured everything out. So I just look at her. And the look in her eyes tells me she understands. I hand the tart over to Meredith and say, "Strawberry." Her fingers brush over mine and I'm sure we're on the same page.

We walk down the hallway and into the kitchen together and our parents are loudly chatting with glasses of wine in their hands. Someone hands me a glass and the bottle and I pour a glass for Meredith and me. Lexie comes in the room then with Caroline and Mark in tow. I stare at Mark, a little surprised to see him, but then my eyes settle on his hand wrapped in Lexie's and I know. I smile at the two of them and raise my wine glass.

Caroline bounds towards Carolyn and Susan, calling their attention until they kneel in front of their granddaughter. I pull out my cell phone and take a quick picture of them. "Will you send that to me?" Meredith says quietly.

I send the text quickly. "Sent," I say and we share another look.

We all head outside for a barbecue and it's feeling strangely like that cookout we had years ago, although I can see the spot where my father should be standing and the place he should be sitting. It feels wrong to be gathering without him. I take a long sip of wine and close my eyes, trying to push the feelings away. I've spent so many years missing my father and missing my life because of my grief and I don't want to miss anything else. But it doesn't change the fact that there is a person missing at our table.

And then Caroline finds me. She pushes against my legs and I look down at her. She smiles at me and I set my glass down. I lift her up and she leans into me. "Can I tell you a secret?"she whispers.

I nod and hold her tightly. "Always."

"I got you a present," she whispers and I notice her one hand is in her pocket.

"You did? Can I see it?"

Caroline grins and pulls out a perfect rock—smooth and polished, pristinely black. "I found it by the lake. I think it might be the best skipping stone ever."

I palm the stone and can feel Caroline's heat clinging to the surface. "Thank you. I'll only skip it though if you're there with me."

"I'll be there."

I realize then that my father may have been replaced with my daughter. I love Caroline so much and while I'd never wish my father to die to make room for her, I understand that maybe the universe had to sacrifice someone to make way for my daughter. I'd like to think my father would allow himself to die so I could have her. If he'd known her, he definitely would've. It doesn't make it right or okay, but the knot in my chest loosens a bit when I think that maybe I would've never had Caroline if my father hadn't died.

Although, it doesn't change the fact that his death was much too violent and much too soon.

"I got mama a present too, but you have to give it to her."

"What is it?" I ask.

Caroline pulls out a small ring, probably even small on her hands, and places it in my palm. I smile at her. "Why do you want me to give this to your mom?"

"Because the daddies do it on TV and in movies."

I hold the ring out and shake my head. "Why don't you give this to mommy? I think she'd like it coming from you better."

"Okay!" She says brightly and wiggles from my arms, racing to find her mother.

Thatcher cooks us all dinner and we sit at a big long table like a patchwork family. Caroline sits across from me with Mark on her left and Meredith on her right and I'm sandwiched between my mother and Lexie. We pass around plates of ribs and chicken wings, fresh corn, a kale salad, fruit salad, deviled eggs, and baked beans and we make sure each other's wine glasses are full. The conversation flows easily from my mom and Meredith's parents. Mark chats with Caroline, teaching her more than she probably needs to know about the inner workings of the human body and Lexie seems to hang on every word. Meredith and I remain quiet.

I wonder what I really want from her. I know I want her again and a lot of the feelings I had for her that summer are bubbling to the surface, but I wonder if it'd be the same. Have we changed so much that our future won't be nearly as easy as it was before I left in 2008? Or maybe it doesn't matter that we've changed. Or it'll be better. It's hard to decide what I want, but as Caroline reaches up to touch her mother's shoulder, I realize I want every day with the two of them. I'll have to figure out in what capacity later, but for now, I want my future to walk with theirs.

After dinner, I help Susan clean up. She's pleasant to me and between her and Thatcher, I feel like I've fallen into _The Twilight Zone_. "Caroline will begin school in a few weeks," she says as she passes me a bowl to dry. "I believe there's a parent-teacher night. If you're free, it might be good for you to attend."

I dry the inside of the bowl. "I'd like that. I'll speak to Meredith about it."

"I went to Caroline's parent day for day care last year. There's something about a child having their parent of grandparent at school that makes them happy."

I think back fondly to my parent-teacher days and I remember loving my mother or father sitting at my desk, listening to my teacher speak. "I loved those days. My mom usually went, but I liked when my dad went better. Something about my huge, Southern father sitting in a kid's desk always cracked me up."

Susan smiles warmly and turns off the tap. "Carolyn seems to be okay."

"She's better. There are some days when it's really hard." I remember the days when we first arrived in Rhode Island and my mother did nothing but lie in bed all day, crying and moaning like a wounded animals. Those were the days that I worried I'd become an orphan, that her pain would swallow her whole. "She's strong though."

Susan dries her hands on a towel. "She had to be strong to raise five kids without him."

"Well, except for Amelia, we were all adults."

"You weren't an adult. Maybe legally, but we both know nineteen is far from being a complete adult." Her words sound like forgiveness for my leaving. "The one thing you'll learn is your children are never fully raised. You'll continue teaching them for the rest of their lives. Your mom still had some things to teach you and I'm sure she'll continue teaching you."

I smile and believe Susan is right. Even in her grief, my mom taught me how to be strong. It took me a while to learn it myself and I still struggle, but somehow, she's continued to teach me and raise me without me even knowing it.

Mark walks into the kitchen, effectively drawing Susan and my intimate conversation to a close. "Hey Susan, do you have jars? We want to collect fireflies."

"I think so," she says and starts opening cabinets.

"Your mom's not out back, Derek. Do you want to find her? I think Caroline wants us all to help. Apparently she wants to fill her room with little balls of light." Mark smirks and shakes his head, as if he's confused by my daughter. But I can tell by the light in his eyes that he completely understands her.

I lay the towel I was using to dry on the countertop and nod towards the front of the house. "I'll find her and we'll come around back. Don't scoop up all the bugs."

I walk down the hallway to the front door and would've walked out if not for the sound of my mother's voice behind the door to Thatcher's office. I'm about to open the door when I hear Meredith's voice, quieter than my mother's but fuller somehow. "I understand what you're telling me, Carolyn."

"I don't think you do," my mother says. "Derek was a child and I was moving. He didn't have a choice. And what little choice he had, he had to choose his family. I made him do that. If you could've seen him as we pulled away, Meredith, you'd understand."

"I do understand," she says again. "Carolyn, I know it all but killed Derek to leave." She's quiet for a second. "I'm sorry for my choice of words."

"It's no matter," my mom says.

"We've discussed and I know why he left and I understand it. I forgive it. The problem I have—had—is that he cut all ties. And not just for him, for everyone. Mark didn't contact my sister for years even though he lived right down the road. I had no way of contacting Derek besides the phone number I'd called and called and no one ever answered. That's the part that was the worst. I couldn't even tell him I was pregnant." She sniffles and I lean into the wall with my eyes closed.

"He left me alone and that had nothing to do with you taking him away from here. I'm glad you took him away because everything was a mess. But it's how he handled it when it left, that's the part that hurts."

"I can't make excuses for my son. Or I can, but I won't. He was grieving and people do strange things when they grieve. Maybe he thought it'd be better for you to be without him. If I know my son at all, I'm guessing he didn't want to hold you back. He didn't want to cause you any more pain."

"I understand that, but it doesn't wash away the years of not knowing if he was okay."

"He wasn't okay, Meredith, that's the point."

They're quiet and in their quiet I find my leave because I can't hear anymore. I've already heard too much. I walk out the front door and let it slam behind me. I ball my hands into fists and press them against my ribs. I can't apologize for those years anymore than I already have and no matter what, my apologies don't erase the years of pushing her away. If I could, I'd take those years back. I'd call Meredith and say goodbye and tell her I'd be back again. But I can't do any of those things and despite what she told me the other night, we'll never be able to fully move past it.

The front door opens and closes and I feel her before I see her. Meredith's shoulder touches my bicep as she leans into me. Her head is tipped up to the stars. She runs her finger along a line of stars. "Sagittarius. The archer. He was Achilles' mentor. He was a healer who formed bridges between human beings and the beasts of that time."

I glance at her. With her face tipped up, her hair falls away and her face is unobstructed. Her eyes shine in the moonlight and her mouth is a thin line. Her skin practically glows and my chest hurts just looking at her.

"You were listening."

I nod.

Meredith nods. "I told you we wouldn't speak of it again."

"Yes."

"And we won't."

I stare at her. "No?"

"None of it matters anymore. You're here now and you won't be leaving us again."

"How do you know that's true?"

Meredith holds her hand out to me and I don't hesitate in threading my fingers with her. "Because I know you." She reaches up and kisses me gently. When she pulls away, she rests her head on my shoulder. "Tell me about the stars, Derek."

I breathe a sigh of relief and search the sky for the perfect star, for the perfect story.


	29. 2008, Meredith (15)

**Thank you ALL so very much for your lovely comments on the last chapter.**

**The following chapter is the last one set in 2008 before the two part epilogue. I'll be posting one more 2014 chapter as well. The epilogue will be one part Meredith and the next part Derek (chapters 31 and 32 respectively), but I don't want to give more than that away.**

**Have a great weekend everyone!**

* * *

><p><strong>2008, Meredith<strong>

The funeral was a week later, held in the afternoon at the local Methodist church. I dressed in the morning quietly, pulling on a simple black dress and black flats. I tied my hair back and I tried to scrub the tears from my eyes unsuccessfully. Lexie came into my room not long before we were due to leave and held me while we both cried.

I was upset about Michael, of course, and upset for Derek and the way he had to find his father, but I couldn't stop being upset with myself. The doctor at the hospital had confirmed I was about five weeks pregnant and that my birth control probably hadn't completely set it when Derek and I went without a condom. I was so mad at my stupidity. I was that girl who got pregnant as a teenager. I didn't know what to do and I couldn't talk to Derek about it. Not yet.

We'd barely spoken since his father died, but he was out a lot. His sisters came into town and at night I could hear someone crying from their house as the wind carried from their windows to ours. I sat and stared at Derek's window for hours, but the light never flickered on. They were staying in a hotel at first and then they were all sleeping in the living room. I called Derek a few times and we'd talk, but never for long. Someone would need him, so he'd leave again. He was apologetic, but absent.

I couldn't tell him I was pregnant when his father was in a box somewhere waiting to be buried. I couldn't tell him when his father's blood stained the floors and my memories. I was only five weeks, so I still had time to make my decision. I needed Derek to tell me what I should do, though.

Susan came into the room as Lexie and I pulled ourselves together. She smiled at me and nodded. "We should be going."

My dad was already waiting in the car while we piled in. We didn't listen to music. We just sat in silence.

The two men who had killed Michael Shepherd had been caught trying to cross the border in to Mexico. They were from Montana originally and had no reason to kill Michael. He hadn't given them a deal they wanted, so they'd murdered him. I heard a rumor that he'd been doing this all over the country. Righting peoples' wrongs, or so they claimed, but since the murders had been so scattered, the FBI couldn't pinpoint them. They caught a lucky break with Michael's murder. It didn't feel lucky.

When we walked inside the funeral home, I found Derek right away. He looked stoic next to his mother, but I knew him well enough to know he was hurting. We waited in line and I reached Amelia first, who clung onto me. Next was Lizzie, who hugged me, then Nancy who just nodded, and Kate who hugged me. Derek was next and when he met my eyes, he softened. He reached for me and I reached for him and we gripped each other tighter than ever before. I cried into his shoulder and he stroked my hair. People moved past us, allowing us to grieve together. We'd seen Michael's body before anyone else and no one could understand how much that hurt. When we broke apart, I hugged Carolyn, but she barely touched me. I was sure she was barely even there with us.

The funeral was brutal and the hours that followed even worse. A small gathering was held at the Shepherd's house and I stood in the kitchen most of the time. The blood was gone, but I could still see him lying on the floor with Derek kneeling next to the body, begging his father to wake up.

Derek found me and the two of us left the house and walked quietly to the river. We sat with our feet in the water, holding onto one another, matching our breaths. I leaned into him and he kissed the top of my head. I've heard grief makes people act strangely, but I'd never experienced it before. Derek started kissing me then and the two of us were naked in seconds. He had this look in his eye that made me uneasy, but it was still him. I kissed him and brought him back to me. We made love and it was so much different than before. Maybe it was the baby inside me, but everything felt completely different. Not bad, just changed.

Afterwards, Derek and I walked back to our houses and he kissed my forehead to say goodnight.

He didn't call the day after the funeral.

In the early afternoon, I crossed my yard to Derek's and walked up the front porch. His truck was there, so I knocked. I waited for a minute, but heard nothing. I knocked again and no one answered. But then I heard voices inside. They were talking loudly. I knocked louder. After another minute, I opened the door and called, "Derek?" I heard the voices carrying down the stairs.

"I can't," Derek sighed and it sounded like someone was pacing.

"What option do you have? I can't be here, Derek." Carolyn sounded like she was crying. "I can't be here," she repeated. "You could stay with her, you know," she said and I had a feeling she was talking about me. "But I have to go."

"When?" Derek's voice sounded broken.

"Soon. As soon as possible."

Derek came down the stairs quicker than I expected and he was right there before me. He caught me eavesdropping and his eyes told me everything I needed to know about how he felt about it. His hands tightened and he stared hard at me. I'd never seen a look like that on his face before. I assumed he could never be so angry with me. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

Someone was crying upstairs and I thought it was probably Amelia. The voice sounded too young to be Carolyn, but maybe her youthfulness came out with her tears. "I was worried."

"You were eavesdropping."

"I didn't mean to." When he looked away and said nothing I asked, "Are you leaving?"

He said nothing on the subject. "You need to leave."

I didn't expect that. I reached for him and he allowed me to touch his waist and back. His arms reluctantly wrapped around me and he pressed his nose into my hair. I closed my eyes tightly and breathed him in.

"You need to leave," he said softer. "I'm sorry."

"I'm here for you, Derek," I said.

He nodded but stepped away from me anyway. "I know that, but I just can't, Meredith. Please, I just need some time."

I nodded although I didn't want to leave. I kissed him softly on his mouth which he did reciprocate before I turned to leave him. I cried the entire way home, angry with myself for not telling him about the baby. I'd tell him the next day.

Derek showed up at the end of the week. I was a mess since I hadn't showered in days and I was wearing my father's sweatshirt, but I wasn't self-conscious standing in the doorway. He looked like he hadn't been sleeping, but he forced a smile for my benefit. "Hi."

I almost cried I was so happy to see him. I took a half-step towards him. "Hi."

Derek opened his arms and I let him hold me. "Will you go somewhere with me? I just need… I need a day away from it all."

I nodded. "I'll go change."

"I'll wait."

I ran upstairs and took a quick shower to wash my tangled hair and I dressed in shorts and a t-shirt. I left a note for Susan and my dad explaining I'd gone with Derek for the day and texted Lexie to let her know, too. Derek was sitting on the front porch when I found him. He took my hand and we walked to his truck. He drove us along the familiar road to the mountains. I watched the scenery and snuck glances of him.

When we reached the lake, we hiked in silence for a while. I kept thinking of ways to tell him I was pregnant, but I couldn't form the words. I didn't know how he'd react. Would he be excited or unhappy? Would he ask me to get an abortion? I wasn't sure what I really wanted, but I was pretty sure I didn't want an abortion. I just couldn't stomach it. I thought we could put the baby up for adoption. Some family would want him or her.

But then I touched my stomach and I was sure I knew there was something there. Something connected to Derek and me. I wasn't sure I could give that up.

"My sisters left yesterday," he said breaking the silence.

I nodded. "How's your mom?"

He shook his head and said nothing.

"How are you?" I took his hand.

"I'll live," he said and the words sounded bitter.

I squeezed his palm. "I'm here for you if you need me."

Derek nodded and we continued hiking.

There was a picnic area just off the water and we walked past the tables there and sat along the edge of the water. I pulled my knees to my chest and rested my chin on my knee cap. Derek skipped stones. He was good, making four or five jumps before the stones sank. After a while, I leaned into him, needing to be near him, and he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I cried against his soft shirt, fisting my hands against his sides. Derek turned to pull me into him and we kissed with my tears on my lips.

We fell back against the rocks and he was above me. His hands moved over my hair and down my legs and I opened to him with a sigh. I wanted to not think about Michael or the baby or the sadness in his eyes, so I kept mine screwed shut and kissed him and kissed him and kissed him. His hands swept over my stomach and I fluttered a bit away from him, worried he'd be able to know by the curve of my stomach that there was life growing in there.

I was being a coward. I had to tell him. "Derek," I whispered, but he was relentless.

I could feel him pouring everything into me and it made me strangely want him more. I removed his shirt as he removed mine, I gasped as his hands found me beneath my shorts. I found him and he growled. But I was still pregnant and I still had to tell him, despite the clouds in my brain. "Derek," I said louder and sat up a bit.

Derek sat back on his knees. His eyes were wild. I stroked his cheek. "I have to tell you something."

The look on his face was devastating. He shook his head and looked away. "Not now, okay? I just…" He looked at me. "I just can't right now. I'm sorry. I'm trying to keep it all together, but it feels impossible, you know? I think about something good for a second—how much I love you, or how good the rest of this summer has been—but then I remember and I'm good for nothing. I just can't figure any of this out. I can't believe he's gone and you're the only good thing I have and…and…" He was crying then.

I crawled into his lap and held him while he let go. He clutched my skin and gasped into my neck. I stroked his hair and it took everything in me not to cry right alongside him. I kissed away his tears and whispered how much I loved him. When he'd tired himself out, he seemed better. We lay in the sun for a long time before hiking back.

When we returned to our houses, Derek kissed my forehead again as a goodbye. I was exhausted from hiking and crying and watching Derek cry, so I went upstairs to nap. I couldn't stop thinking about Carolyn's words. They were leaving, but Derek didn't seem to want to talk about it. There was a hotel in town that could accommodate them while they took some time away from their house. I thought about offering to clean while they were gone so when they came home it wouldn't be so bad. Even if they were in town, Derek wouldn't be so far.

I feel asleep and was woken later by a knock at my door. I'd felt sick all afternoon and I didn't know if it was the baby or the way Derek had been looking at me. I rolled over and blinked my eyes open just as Susan came in. "Derek's waiting for you downstairs."

My heart raced in my chest and I jumped up and walked downstairs. Derek was in my front yard. He was pacing. When he looked up at me, I knew something was wrong. I walked down the steps to stand in front of him.

"We're leaving," he said quickly, as if to rip off the Band-Aid.

I wrapped my arms around my middle. I nodded. "Okay. Where are you going?"

He looked like he had expected this, but it still made him nervous. He moved his fingers through his hair. "We're going to Rhode Island."

My gaze snapped to his. "Rhode Island? For how long?"

"Indefinitely." His voice was cold and quick.

"You're moving." I gasped.

Derek nodded. He looked away from me. "I think we should break up."

I held myself tighter. "What?"

"I'm leaving in a few minutes."

"Minutes?" My voice broke.

"I should get going."

I reached for him, taking is forearm in my hand. Derek allowed me to pull him back. If he had wanted, he could've broken from my grip. I cupped his jaw in my hands and stared at him until he looked at me. "You can't… Derek… I…" but I couldn't form a full sentence. My eyes were swimming with tears and I felt my breath laboring. "Derek…"

He pulled my hands from his skin. "I can't, Meredith. I have to go."

"We don't have to break up," I managed.

"We can't live three-thousand miles apart and expect for this to work."

"Why not?"

Derek shook his head. "Because it won't."

A sob pulled through me and Derek's eyes met mine. I saw him soften, as if my pain was causing him pain. He came to me then and I could still feel the rigidity in his shoulders as he hugged me. He kissed my forehead and I cried. I thought he was crying too, but I couldn't tell over my own tears. For a long time, we stood in my front yard together before he pulled away again.

"I'm no good for your like this. I'm not...me." He sounded sadder than I'd ever expected from him. He wiped at his eyes and I realized then that he was crying. "You deserve someone who will be good to you, for you, and I'm not that guy."

"Yes you are." I knew I sounded pathetic, but I was so desperate to keep him from breaking up with me.

"You're too good for me. You always have been."

"That's bullshit and you know it!"

My face was a mess and my eyes were completely wet, but I could still see the look in his eyes. He'd given up. He'd given in. He was resigned to leaving and not leaving me trailing behind. But it still wasn't fair. I wanted to be with him whether he was here or there. I wanted to convince him, but the words were stuck in my throat right along with, "I'm pregnant." If I told him now, it really would make him stay, but for some reason I knew it still couldn't convince him. I had more to tell him, but he was already walking away.

"I love you," I managed and he stopped.

"I love you," he whispered, but he didn't stay.

Derek walked away from me and he climbed in behind the wheel of the U-Haul. I watched Amelia and Carolyn slide in beside him. How hadn't I noticed the U-Haul before? None of them looked at me. None of them. And then they were driving away.


End file.
